two days of posts in a row- oh wow!

Hi. Ah yes. *glances up at the title I gave this post* 

Two days of posts in a row- oh wow! 

Haha yeah. Hi again. I’m still not dead. 

I can feel my heart beating fast, so I know I’m very much still alive. *slowly does a thumbs up sign* 👍 

Anyway. Guess what, guys. I had a dream about Fierdan. And it was kind of like what I brought up in my last post. 

Well, kind of. 

In my dream, there was a comparison. Something that happened with Fierdan in around 2016 when I made him so dramatic and immature in the skits. Then there was the same scene playing in 2021, and he calmed down and became more mature and better at handling his trauma. The scene in the dream was of Fierdan at a doctor’s appointment and talking with his doctor. Come to think of it, I can see the dream being a little similar to the skits I wrote about Duke and Fierdan in therapy. Those were interesting, haha oh gosh. 

The earlier version of Fierdan in my dream was so loud and dramatic. He had no chill. I remember him yelling to the doctor about how he never sleeps and doesn’t need it. He was severely sleep deprived.

The later version of Fierdan surprised me so much. I remember thinking “Omg is it really him? He changed so much!” He stopped yelling at medical professionals and being a cynical, angsty drama king. He spoke calmly but still confidently to his doctor. Ahahaha, I’m so proud of him. :’) 

I don’t even know how I knew it was Fierdan in my dream. I just knew. I don’t even have to think about it. In my dreams, I’m like “Oh yeah, that’s Fierdan. Cool.” 

When I have dreams with Fierdan, I realize I’m not an actual character in those dreams myself. I either watch the dream in third person and observe Fierdan do his own things, but I’ve also had times when the dreams are in first person but they’re in Fierdan’s perspective instead of my own. It’s so weird and interesting. It’s like I have the occasional ability to “become” Fierdan and “live” his life in my dreams. They don’t even feel like my dreams; they feel more like Fierdan’s. But he’s just my character. So.. huh. 

I can’t control when I have Fierdan dreams. Sometimes they happen when I think about him before sleeping, but I’ve also had times when they happened when I haven’t thought of him or my other characters at all before sleeping. It’s hard to predict. 

What else? Hmm.......

I zone out a lot more often. For the past year, I realize I dissociate more frequently than I used to. Most of the time, it’s just zoning out for a few seconds to a few minutes. 

But I’ve also had times when I experienced derealization and depersonalization. The former more than the latter. 

Dissociation can be scary. It’s unsettling and unpleasant. I don’t like the feeling. :(

Oh and my doctor believes there’s a good chance I have ADHD and OCD after I explained my symptoms and experiences. So I’m not saying all of this out of the blue. I keep learning more about both of them. I’ve been questioning whether I have ADHD for over a year now. Most recently, I’ve been wondering about how I’m probably more hyperactive than I initially thought. I keep noticing signs of hyperactivity and neurodivergent behavior in general in myself now. I’ve been seriously considering whether I have OCD since around September after opening up to a few of my friends. Apparently, having the types of intrusive thoughts I get isn’t just another depression thing. And how I react to the thoughts. It’s probably OCD. Haha oop.

So all of that has consumed my mind a lot over these past few months. I’m still trying to figure out my mental health issues. It’s a long process. 

For so long, I thought I have primarily inattentive ADHD, and now I’m not sure. I might be combined type. I think there’s a higher probability that I have ADHD than don’t have it at this point. 

I was supposed to call psychologists and reach out to my university’s counseling services. But I still didn’t do that. Oof. Sorry doc. 😓

Well, I’m very tired. I’ll be back.

When? Who knows, not me. ;)

Ok bye.