Yeah. I don’t know. I’m trying.
Trying to figure this stuff out. Trying to not be too pessimistic.
I’m not as optimistic as I was earlier about this whole ~putting ads on my blogs~ thing. I’m a pessimistic person. I doubt it’ll actually work. I’m tired.
Man, this whole process is complicated. I feel like I have some ~violations~ or ~restrictions~ because.. uh.. *gestures to my blog*. And like. Some things about this whole thing confuse me. It says to insert a code, I did that, yadayadayada. Other people talking about the same thing (AdSense) say to not manually insert the code yourself if you’re applying through the Earnings tab on Blogger. I don’t know. I’m dumb and confused.
I edited the HTML code for this blog when doing that, and it ended up messing up the mobile format of the blog. I don’t know how to change it back. It won’t let me or something. Same thing happened with my other blog. I really don’t like this. It got rid of the background colors and the different colored text, so now it’s just a plain white background and black text in a boring font. Well, at least it didn’t ruin how the blogs look on the website/computer version. *sighs*
I found another website where ads can potentially be put on blogs. I think I’ll finish that whole signing up process after I change the blog link and all that jazz. I have a lot of work ahead of me.
Blogging work, I mean. I still don’t have an Official Job TM. I might have gotten a referral from my cousin who works at a job for a company I might want to work for (same career field and all that). So, hopefully good news..? idk, I’m pretty much a pessimist. It’s hard for me to feel optimistic about anything.
I’m also trying to find my blogging personality again. I know it can’t be the same as before, but.. idk. I’ve been struggling with identity and personality stuff for a while. For different reasons unlike my 15 and 16 year old self this time around. A lot has happened. But also, not much has happened. I don’t know what to think.
I also came back here because my mind wouldn’t let me leave permanently. Thoughts of blogging again kept plaguing my mind for months. I even had a few dreams about blogging and about my story and characters while on that long break. And so, I’m back. Yay.
Oh and… I also left for so long because I lost one of my online friends, and that person kinda reminds me of this blog and still does to some extent. So.. blogging feels weird somehow. Friendships end and the memories that keep replaying in my head f— messed me up. A lot.
Well, it’s been over a year since then. I’d like to think I’m doing much better now than back then in the early days. But alas, I do not know. How about I just insert a shrug emoji and move on? Ok? Ok.
What even are my plans for this blog? Posting some pictures here, possibly making a photography blog, writing some updates about all the life crap that happened in the past 10 months or so (I lost count and I’m bad at counting), attempting to write poetry and skits again..? I guess.
Is this good enough? Am I worthy enough? Am I worth anything? Is any of this worth it? I don’t know.
I just wish I could be me. I wish I could be myself unapologetically. I’m tired of constantly having to hide and suppress myself. I want to be loved and cared for unconditionally. I’m tired of not being listened to and understood by the people in my life who should be the closest to me. I just want to be accepted and feel like I belong in my [family; life].
Lots of crap happened this year. So much. Too much.
It’s been a long day. Thursday was better.
You all can still call me Shan btw lol
Shyrah is just something a little more personal and meaningful to me.
Better posts coming soon. Hopefully. Maybe. Probably.
I definitely relate with being pessimistic, and in the rare times when something does work out I always feel like I don't deserve it and feel like it's a matter of time until things go wrong again
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if this is the issue/something you need to bear right now and I get that it's probably very cliche/cheesy "advice" (and maybe I'm just misunderstanding) but about the identity/finding your blogger personality stuff - I think the best way I can say it is don't try to conform. There will only ever be one you, one Shan/Shyrah, so you should be *you*
I know you touched on this at the end which probably makes it confusing why I'm saying this but what I'm trying to say is this should be your space to be who you are. Write things how you want to write them/how you "naturally" would. It's your blog and that's the best part about it, it's your space to be you. I wish I did that more with mine. I tried to exaggerate parts of my personality because I thought that's what my viewers liked, and up until recently I did the same with people in general. I tried to act different depending on who I was talking to because I feel like I'd be more likable to each person that way. I think when we do that we lose who we are, in a way
I relate so much to the part about friendships ending and the memories from that messing you up. I'm trying to avoid venting as much but my best friend was like my world, and it feels so... i have no idea how to describe it. A lot of stuff I'm into and a lot of stuff I own that I keep in my room was because of them. I can't get rid of it, but sometimes it hurts to look at or even think about. It's all like a reminder of what once was, and it hurts
As for what you should do with this blog - again, cheesy advice, but what you should do is what you want to do. Make the posts you want to make, write about what you want to write about. That's what makes it your blog. It's only worth it if you're doing what you want to do
I really relate with wishing I could just be me too. I want to be loved and cared for unconditionally too. Today (last night?) I realized I've been hurt so badly by my "best friend", the only person who ever truly let me be myself and made me feel special, that I don't feel like I ever can be close with anyone again. It's too painful going through a cycle of having a best friend, finally opening up to them, feeling like our bond is unbreakable, and then being tossed aside. It's messed me up permanently and I sincerely hope it's not like that for you
You are not dumb Shan, but you are confused and I would be too if I had to figure out how to get approved for ads on your blog. You're doing okay! And you are valid to doubt and be pessimistic. But good on ya for not trying to let your pessimism get the best of ya <3
ReplyDeleteMate, take your time to find your roots again <3 You are allowed to explore and find your personality and voice on your blog again- and please don't force yourself to do too much. Take it one step at a time. I don't want you overwhelming yourself so soon, k mate? <3 You are pretty and talented no matter what you do! You are enough. <333
Thanks for the kind words <3
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