Confessions 1 (skit)

Hi, I’m back!

It’s time for the next part in the current skit story I’ve been working on. I have a sudden burst of inspiration. 

This part won’t be as silly and random as the previous one. It’s more heavy. I have a lot on my mind, and I finally found a way to write them down— through skits. Anyway, it’s more fun this way. Feels more entertaining. 

This and the next few skits are all in the same skit story I’ve been writing since March, but I now have a title for them: Confessions. Since this is the first one, it’s called Confessions 1. 

That’s all I wanted to say. Now it is warnings time for this post’s skit. 

WARNING: strong language (profanity), alcohol/drugs and mentions of addiction, mentions of negative body image, discussion of traumas, mentions of sexual content including sexual assault (nothing explicit).

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[This skit is taking place a few days after the events in the last one. The time of day is in the middle of the afternoon. Dawn and Fierdan are alone in a room, sitting on chairs across from each other at a round table. On the table are two teacups. They have been talking for a while, including about their mother and her Books of C.] 

Dawn: *sighs, stares into her teacup* All of this would be so much easier if I could remember. Every day I wish that I could remember. 

Fierdan: *stares at his hands on the table* What good would remembering do? 

Dawn: I was the last child of C. If I had all my memories back, then maybe I could recognize any hints she left. She must’ve written at least some parts of her Books of C. when I was young and she was raising me. 

Fierdan: *looks up* Like I said, what good would remembering do? What’s the point? 

Dawn: *meets Fierdan’s eyes* So I can help us understand our mother better. 

Fierdan: *turns his head, laughs humorlessly* And what would a child who isn’t even six years old remember about their mother’s diary? A kid wouldn’t pay attention and recognize any of that shit. This is the Books of C. weren’t talking about. No kid would be able to comprehend it, including you and me. Ryen too, I bet. *faces Dawn* Believe me. Nothing good comes out of remembering and reminiscing about the past. That I can promise you. 

Dawn: I’m not you, Fierdan. I want— no, need— to remember my past. It isn’t only about trying to understand C.; it’s so much more than that. I have to know for my own sake. 

Fierdan: And I already know that remembering everything from the past would only make you feel so much worse. *sighs* I don’t get it. Why do you even want to remember? 

Dawn: *raises voice* Because I have no sense of identity! I have no idea who I am. My sense of self is fluid and transparent as water. I just have to. I just have to remember. 

Fierdan: *also raises voice* No, you don’t! Remembering will only be a shackle, a weight pulling you down, and it’s stuck deep in your heart and back of your mind. Once you remember, you’ll do anything to forget. God… *stands up* I want so badly to forget. I’ll do anything to forget! 

Dawn: *frowns* I am not you. Look, I get it. You wish to forget; I wish to remember. I don’t need you to protect me anymore. We’re well past that. 

Fierdan: *slams his palms on the table, causing drops of tea from his teacup to spill onto the table* This isn’t about fucking protecting you! Remembering your past won’t give you all the answers you’re searching for, and they sure as hell won’t help with your identity crisis issues! 

Dawn: At least you know about your past and who you are. I don’t. 

Fierdan: Bullshit! How dare you even imply— *steps away from the table, shakes head* I need a drink. Do you have any alcohol on you? It helps me forget, and I need to— 

Dawn: You don’t need to forget. *sighs* And no, I don’t keep bottles or cans of alcohol on me. 

Fierdan: *grits teeth* Of course you don’t. You’re the good and unproblematic one. Dawn is such a good girl. 

Dawn: Oh please! You see me that way because I’ve heard detailed accounts of what happened to Ryen and Jack. Their strong desires to forget things from their pasts drove them down the path of addiction. All of us can recognize the signs, and I sure as hell will do my best to prevent you from going down that same path. You’re developing an addiction. Heck, you probably are addicted at this point. 

Fierdan: And since you can’t remember your past, you will never understand why we needed to rely on alcohol and other drugs to escape, to forget.. for our own fucking sanity. 

Dawn: I don’t want you to turn out like your brother or boyfriend! I care about you, Fierdan, I really do. 

Fierdan: Then why won’t you listen to me when I tell you it’s better to not know than do? Listen to your older brother. 

Dawn: *rolls eyes, says sarcastically* Oh, aren’t you such a great older brother? You and Ryen are such great role models. Especially you! Should I give you a gold medal?

Fierdan: Shut up, I did so much for you. 

Dawn: Like what? Traumatizing me? Because you did a really good job at that. *quickly finishes her cup of tea, gently places the cup back on the table* I hate to admit it, but even after all this time, you still scare me. I’m afraid of you. I doubt I’ll ever not be. 

Fierdan: *continuing his point before Dawn cut him off, his eyes are blazing as he faces Dawn* I killed Z. for you. You were a great motivator for me to. *stretches his arms* But of course you lack any of the context since your brain blocked out all the memories of what he did to you. 

Dawn: You violently murdered your father. I stood there helpless, unable to do anything. Of course I’m scared shitless of you. 

Fierdan: If you knew what Z. did to you and so many, including our mother, would you still see me as a monster? Someone beyond saving? 

Dawn: I never said you’re a monster. 

Fierdan: I know that’s what you think. I don’t blame you. I split part of myself to create Duke, I had that whole thing with Soulless… Fuck, was Soulless ever real, or am I just so fucked up that I…

Dawn: Of course Soulless was real. Sure, it was way more attached to you and the two of you spent years in isolation in the realm you call Cincernum, but Soulless definitely existed. I vaguely remember Soulless being a kind of teacher for us when we were still little kids. I can remember fragments from the past, just not.. well.. everything. *sighs* Having dissociative amnesia isn’t a good thing. Having large parts of your life erased isn’t fun. I really don’t have any fucking sense of self since I don’t remember so much from my childhood. From before then. Forgetting isn’t all good. 

Fierdan: I’m not sure if I should be relieved that you know who Soulless was and not just from me talking about it. You have your own memories of Soulless. It’s not just something my twisted mind conjured. *sits back in his chair, stares at his hands again, starts shivering* 

Dawn: *arches eyebrow* What’s up with you now? 

Fierdan: I.. I… *laughs* Of course you don’t know! I’m so glad you can’t remember! 

Dawn: What? Remember what? 

Fierdan: Just because our minds can’t remember something, it doesn’t mean that our bodies did. *shivers harder* Body memories are the worst. *buries his face in his hands* I hate how the ghosts of Soulless and Taurel’s touches never left my skin. No matter how much I clean myself, the marks never left. I’m tainted and violated, and my body won’t let me forget. I’ll do anything to make sure you don’t have to go through the same thing. Once you know everything, you won’t be able to un-see and un-feel the marks all over your body and inside your body. Sure, no one else can see the marks, they’re no longer physical, and yet.. and yet they won’t fully go away and disappear. *slouches deeper in the chair* It’s like the blood. There’s always blood on my hands. I’m the only one who can still see it. But it’s there and will never wash away. I have bloody hands, and I’m an impure tainted creature of sin.

Dawn: I never knew you feel that way. I… 

Fierdan: I’m a man, yet I had people touch me like I was a doll, an inanimate object. Not a human being. *raises head* Like how Z. treated you. 

Dawn: *shakily picks up the teacups* I.. I’m going to get us more tea. I need more *pauses* tea. 

Fierdan: *ignoring Dawn* What’s fucked up is I wasn’t a girl; I’m not female. This shit doesn’t happen to boys and men, yet it happened to me several times. I feel insecure in my masculinity as it is because of my fucked up body, and my trauma from Soulless doesn’t help. I hate how well I can make myself look androgynous or like a woman. Sure, I like to wear feminine outfits sometimes, but it doesn’t automatically make me not a man. And what Soulless— others too but especially it— did to my body shouldn’t make me feel any less of a man, but it does. 

Dawn: Sexual assault is not just a thing that happens to girls and women. Anyone of any gender can be affected. *pauses* It wasn’t hard for me to know that’s what you’re getting on about. I had my own share of that kind of trauma and you don’t want me to remember and no longer dissociate from those memories, right? You don’t want me to fully remember whatever Z. did to me. 

Fierdan: *nods a few seconds after Dawn finished talking* You got me. You’re right. 

Dawn: *smiles sadly* Of course. I’m Dawn after all. 

Fierdan: *whispers* I’m sorry. 

Dawn: For what? 

Fierdan: For making you be afraid of me. For not knowing what you were going through when the abuse was happening. Yeah, we were very young, but you’re my little sister, even if we didn’t know we have the same mother back then and didn’t find out for many years. And you know what? That too. For not protecting you from him.. from all those sick fuckers. I’m so sorry. 

Dawn: Oh please, don’t add any more guilt. I couldn’t save you from Soulless or Taurel or anything related to the two of them. I’m really sorry you had to go through so much shit, but I can’t be guilty for something totally out of my control. 

Fierdan: *glancing at another part of the room* I.. I guess. *sighs* I hate how my body can’t let go of the ways it was abused. I hate how I can’t forget the ways Soulless touched my body, all over and inside. Fuck… *dips a finger into one of the drops of spilled tea on the table* Jack is respectful and listens to me and.. he’s just an amazing partner, but I can’t help feeling self-conscious of how I flinch and just can’t handle him touching my body in certain places or in certain ways. I want so badly to replace the harmful touches of Soulless and Taurel with his, but I can’t and hate myself for it. I want to open up my body fully to him like he did for me, but… *frowns, sighs* Having so much trauma really fucking sucks. 

Dawn: Definitely. Being severely traumatized sucks ass. *stares at a part of the wall, zones out* What’s my personality? What do I really look like? What’s my role? Even Shan doesn’t know for sure. I used to have light brown hair; now it’s dark brown. Shan can’t decide on what my body looks like— skinny or curvy? How short am I? Sometimes I think I’m fat, but am I really? What’s my body type? Who even am I? 

Fierdan: *is distracted* Huh, what? I was thinking about how my traumatized and fucked up piece of shit self really frustrates me sometimes when it comes to Jack and me in sexual contexts.. the foreplay and the actual having sex. Stupid trauma not liking certain places and ways my body can be touched. I hate how it can trigger me, how my body treats it like an act of violence and my brain dissociates from everything. Like damn, tell my brain and body to chill. I’m just trying to have sex with my favorite person. I love him. *shakes head* So complicated. 

Dawn: *turns around to face Fierdan, her eyes are unfocused, she grins* Shan really made us exist to be creatures of lust, and that’s all we’ll ever be. Something sexual involving us always follows us. We originally came into being because of lust. We can’t escape it! *laughs coldly* 

Fierdan: *shakes head, grimaces* Why the fuck did I say that to you? Fucking hell.

Dawn: Impure tainted sinners violated of our innocence. That’s what we are. 

Fierdan: I mean, it’s true, but are you okay? You’re acting weird, Dawn. *gets up and walks toward her* 

Dawn: *shakes head* Huh? What the… Oh yeah! The tea! Why does tea always have to be involved whenever we’re having a deep conversation? What is with my tea? *shrugs* At least it tastes good. Sure, let’s continue bonding and confessing things over tea. *picks up the cups again and leaves to refill them* 

[Several minutes later. Dawn comes back with the two cups of tea. She places them on the table, passing one to Fierdan who is sitting back at the table. Then she sits down in her chair at the table.]

Dawn: *cups her hands around her cup, slowly takes a sip of the tea* 

Fierdan: *does the same thing* Your tea really is good. 

Dawn: Of course. It’s a symbol of us connecting over something. 

Fierdan: Uh.. sure. *takes another sip of tea* So… 

Dawn: It’s so weird. Having amnesia I mean. Like I could remember parts of our childhood better than you, yet I can’t remember other parts of it at all. 

Fierdan: Soulless manipulated me and gave me some kind of amnesia or some shit. You helped me get out of it and remember. Again, thanks for that. Truly. 

Dawn: Are you thinking about those gardens that Z. let us play in so we wouldn’t bother him and Ryen? 

Fierdan: Yeah, and how we would attempt to make flower crowns and how we would feel the blades of grass beneath our bare feet and between our toes. And how I would dance with the insects among the flowers. *smiles* It had to be the best part of our childhood. I miss how I was back then all those years ago. *drinks from his cup of tea for a few seconds* 

Dawn: See? The past wasn’t all awful. I still find it incredible how you refused to hurt any creature, a boy who wouldn’t kill a fly or ant, grew up to be.. well.. you. 

Fierdan: Gee thanks. *drinks more tea* 

Dawn: How are you drinking it so quickly? Mine’s still so hot. 

Fierdan: It’s fine. I have pyrokinesis. Heat is nothing to me.

Dawn: Says the one who nearly had heat stroke. 

Fierdan: Hey! I was Duke back then, and it happened right after the black flames consumed him for the first time. Some Duke evolution and breaking the amnesiac barrier between me and him. Black fire is especially hot and painful, even for us.. Duke and me.

Dawn: *slowly sips her tea* Sure thing, whatever you say. 

Fierdan: Just another thing that happens to me, the fire man. But instead of being a firefighter, I create fires. *laughs* 

Dawn: Fire man, huh? How about I start pronouncing your name like “Fire Dan” from now on?

Fierdan: Oh no, please no. I hate that. *blushes and drinks the rest of his cup of tea* 

Dawn: Okay, Fire Dan. 

Fierdan: Stop! It sounds.. sounds… *breaks out in laughter* It sounds so stupid. I’m not that cheesy, I hope. 

Dawn: Seeing and hearing you and Jack trying to be wholesome out in public is making me not sure. You two made the other become such a softie. Heck, maybe if I met Jack a few years ago, he would intimidate me like you do. Maybe he would scare me more than you do since there are no gardens memories with him and me.

Fierdan: If only we could bring him there. *smiles* 

Dawn: Trying to be funny, huh?  

Fierdan: No.. I… *rubs eyes* What the hell is Shan doing to us? Our dialogue is strange. Anyway uh.. the memories of the gardens and flowers are great and all, but there are details from your past that I wish you didn’t recover so you didn’t have to relive them again. 

Dawn: You don’t need to protect me. I’m older now and can handle them. 

Fierdan: I know, I know. I just don’t want to see you so miserable and in so much pain ever again. Is it really worth it to know the details of what Z. did to you, including how you entered our lives? He stole you from your parents. He ordered for them to be killed. He did unspeakable things to you. 

Dawn: I’m not going to enjoy the memories if I ever remember them, but at least having a fuller picture of my past will make me feel less as a person full of holes in my identity or someone who just came into existence at a random age beyond young childhood with no past context. I can feel real, more like an actual person. *shakes head* I can’t phrase it any better. *drinks tea* 

Fierdan: Back to C.

Dawn: I just feel sad that I can’t remember anything about her and my dad. I hate how I can’t remember them at all. I like to think that they were good parents who loved and cared about me. But I just.. I can’t be sure. I’ll never know for sure. Mom sure was a character, but my dad? I want to believe he really was a good guy. A good person. But was he? 

Fierdan: Your dad was probably a good man. He had to be better than mine, right? 

Dawn: That’s not saying much. Z. was… I can’t even come up with adjectives that serve him justice* 

Fierdan: Like you said before, I killed him. So the father-son relationship wasn’t the best, I say. 

Dawn: Well yeah, patricide shouldn’t be normalized. But yeah.. it was Z. 

Fierdan: Yeah. Killing him really did fuck me up though. Like yeah, I did go through with it and have Soulless pressure me constantly to do it, but still. He was still my father. Family bonds.. they fuck me up. Having a normal family— what’s that like? 

Dawn: I’m the last person you should be asking. 

Fierdan: Okay yeah fair. I should ask.. uh.. Brock. I bet he has a normal family and a healthy relationship with his parents and siblings if he has any. 

Dawn: Wasn’t he involved in some argument involving his family a while back? 

Fierdan: What? Really? 

Dawn: No, I don’t know. My memory is shit. 

Fierdan: Oh. *laughs* 

Dawn: It’s not funny. We were talking about how I wish I could remember stuff. I wish my memory wasn’t so inconsistent. I feel like my brain makes zero sense. 

Fierdan: Well, my brain makes zero sense too, so I can’t help you with that. 

Dawn: *finishes drinking her cup of tea* Hmm… 

Fierdan: What? 

Dawn: Just thinking about how much my tea affects you. 

Fierdan: What do you mean? 

Dawn: You just seem more chill and relaxed since you drank your cup of tea. 

Fierdan: *arches eyebrow* Did you drug me? 

Dawn: *sighs* No, but—

Fierdan: But what? 

Dawn: Shan never really talked about it, but do you also have issues with physical pain? Chronic pain of some sort? 

Fierdan: Huh.. I guess. Some parts of my body almost always hurt. I bet it’s the trauma from Taurel and Soulless putting my body through absolute hell. 

Dawn: No, that makes sense. Anyway, did your pain ease or become a little less severe ever since you finished your tea? 

Fierdan: Uh, I think? Probably. Slightly. 

Dawn: Ah, that’s good. I use the tea to help with my own pain. I think it’s the anti-inflammatory properties. Probably other stuff too, but Shan doesn’t know much. 

Fierdan: Shan doesn’t know much, huh? 

Dawn: Shan just has to think about things more. Like yeah, it shouldn’t be a surprise that we have issues with pain. Our severe, traumatized as shit selves. 

Fierdan: And it’s probably another reason why I have urges to drink alcohol and do other drugs—

Dawn: Hmm maybe. 

Fierdan: Am I an addict? 

Dawn: I can’t tell you. If you really are concerned, maybe talk to Ryen or Jack about it. 

Fierdan: *scratches the back of his neck* Good idea. 

Dawn: We care about you and your health, you know. 

Fierdan: Huh? We? 

Dawn: Not just me. All of us. 

Fierdan: Oh.. oh okay. 

Dawn: *stands up* Well, thanks for spending time with me this afternoon. It’s been a while since we talked, just the two of us. 

Fierdan: *also gets up* Yeah, it’s been way too long. This was nice. Being able to say stuff that I bet the others wouldn’t understand. 

Dawn: Yeah, definitely. I feel the same. There are some things that even Ryen can’t fully understand since he didn’t experience what we did. You know? 

Fierdan: Yeah, I get it. *swings arms back and forth* So.. are you still scared of me? 

Dawn: Our relationship, our history, is complicated, but in this moment, I can only see you as my first and closest friend. I can’t fear the version of you in front of me right now. 

Fierdan: *smiles* I’ll take that as a compliment. Well, I should go. I should work on some tasks. 

Dawn: Does that mean hang out with Jack? 

Fierdan: *is about to leave the room* No.. uh.. maybe. 

Dawn: *rolls eyes* Whatever. See you around. 

Fierdan: Dawn, you’re the kindest and most understanding woman I know. I’m so grateful that you’re still a part of my life and still involved in it, even though I’m a massive neurotic jerk at times. Well then, that was sentimental. All of this. Take care.

Dawn: Alright, have fun with Jack. 

Fierdan: *blushes* Uh.. right! Yeah. *leaves the room* 

Dawn: Well, that was odd.

Fierdan: *mutters the word “confessions” to himself as he walks away* 

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I don’t even know. I’m sleepy now and my head feels kinda weird. 

Good night.