Hey, I’m back with the second confessions skit in this skit story arc. So yeah. Hey.
I was going to write this skit the day or two after I posted the previous one (Confessions 1), but I got busy. Well, I also binge-watched a few Netflix series and watched a lot of anime since I haven’t done that in a while. Eh whatever. I’m here now.
It’s been so hot out these last few days. Including today. The weather where I live. Oof. It’s too hot for April. I don’t like it.
About April, I think it’s been another year. I think the anniversary of my first ever blog post here was a few days ago. I think it’s April 11th, but I don’t feel like checking to make sure. April 11th feels right for some reason though.
It’s 2023. I started in 2014, so that would be 9 years. Wow. I doubt it counts since I didn’t blog for around a year and was inactive for months on and off for a while. And still kinda am. It doesn’t feel like I’ve been blogging for nearly a decade. I mean, it hasn’t really. It feels more like 5 to 7 years. That’s what it feels like to me. Then again, I’m not even sure if I can call what I’ve been doing, well, blogging. What other blog does the stuff that I do? This doesn’t really feel like a blog. This is just a place for me to dump out my thoughts and writing chaos.
That’s all this is. Chaos.
Anyway, it’s time to start the skit.
Warnings for strong language, drugs (well, smoking and drinking), vomiting, and brief mentions of sexual content. That should be it.
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[This skit is happening an hour after the end of the last one. The location is in one of the hallways where the main characters’ apartments are. Yeah, they live in apartments. That’s how it is. Fierdan stops pacing back and forth the length of the hallway, reaches into one of his pockets, and takes out a box of cigarettes. He isn’t aware of how tight his grip is on the box; a side of the box is dented. He takes a deep breath, staring at the box and then the ceiling.]
Fierdan: Well, I’ve been stalling for long enough. It’s time for me to face the music. I need to tell them. It’s been going on for too long. I’ll tell Jack first. He’s the safest to, and besides, he told me that he had to tell me something this morning before we left to do our tasks. I wonder what he has to tell me. *leans against the wall and looks down at the box in his hand* But first…
[Fierdan takes out a cigarette from the box, puts one end in his mouth, and stuffs the box back into his pocket. A warm yellow-orange light glows at the tip of his right middle finger, and a few seconds later, it grows into a flame just large enough for him to light his cigarette. Then he smokes. Nothing else to say about that. A small puff of smoke escapes his lips, and he plans on sticking the cigarette back into his mouth. Before he can, a sudden ringing in his ears and a wave of nausea hits him. Forgetting the lit cigarette in his fingers, it hits the floor as he presses his hands over each ear and he clumsily falls on his knees. He has a coughing fit, coughing for the next several seconds. Footsteps are heard approaching from around the corner but then stop.]
Fierdan: *finally finishes coughing* Ow, ow, ow. My head…
Stella: *walks closer to Fierdan, quickly glances at Fierdan on the floor, spots the cigarette on the floor and steps on it before gently picking it up with her fingers* What happened now?
Fierdan: *lets his arms fall to his sides, looks at the place where the cigarette must have fallen, sees that it isn’t there anymore, quickly stands up* Ah, shit.
Stella: *a pale blue light wraps around the fingertips of her fingers holding the cigarette until the very last bits of fire burn out* Hello, Fierdan. *the blue light fades away, she pinches the cold and bent cigarette between her fingers, walks toward the nearby trash can*
Fierdan: *watches the blue light fade completely from Stella’s fingers, has a blank look in his eyes as he sees the remains of the cigarette fall into the trash can* Uh.. hi.
Stella: *walks back to where she was before, sighs* I’m not even gonna bother asking what that was all about.
Fierdan: *finally realizes it’s Stella* Oh great, are you going to chastise me now? *the ringing returns and he presses his hands to his ears*
Stella: You should properly dispose of them instead of littering, and there’s no use in me telling you that you shouldn’t drink and smoke so often, but— *notices Fierdan covering his ears, rolls eyes* And you aren’t even listening to me.
Fierdan: *the ringing temporarily stops* No, I can hear you just fine. I was going to, but I.. then I… *the ringing returns, louder than ever, lets out a cry from the pain*
Stella: Uh.. are you okay? *reaches into her bag and takes out a water bottle*
Fierdan: *not looking at anything in particular* What the fuck? This fucking shit— *gets cut off by another coughing fit, tears are in his eyes*
Stella: I have no idea what’s wrong with you this time, but here, drink this. *thrusts the water bottle at Fierdan until he grabs it the moment he stops coughing*
Fierdan: *twists off the cap and drinks from the bottle for the next few seconds, then offers it back to Stella* Thanks.
Stella: *shakes her head* No, keep it.
Fierdan: *hesitates, shrugs, then takes another chug of water* Alright, well, thanks again.
Stella: I’m glad it helped. What exactly happened?
Fierdan: Dawn. *sighs* Dawn happened.
Stella: You met her for lunch or something like that, right? How is she?
Fierdan: *shrugs* Dawn is Dawn. A mystery as always.
Stella: That’s ironic coming from you of all people, considering you’ve been around each other the longest. If Dawn is a mystery to you, then what are the members who you don’t even really know?
Fierdan: Honestly, everyone is a mystery to me. Well, except Jack. Maybe. I don’t get people.
Stella: *looks at the floor* I also don’t get people. I constantly feel like an outsider. No, an imposter.
Fierdan: *gives Stella a sympathetic look, then shakes his head* What are you doing here? Why are you helping me?
Stella: I was just walking by, overheard you, and came over to make sure that you’re alright. That’s all.
Fierdan: *blushes, turns away from her* I thought you hated me.
Stella: I don’t hate you. My feelings toward you are.. complicated, yes, but I still care about you. Well, I don’t like witnessing people in pain. Of course I had to do something. I’m not a cold, heartless bitch.
Fierdan: *stops blushing, faces Stella* That’s reassuring. Good to know.
Stella: I struggle being aware of and fully acknowledging my emotions and with expressing.. well, anything really. I don’t like this cold exterior I have. *sighs* Maybe I really am heartless. Loveless. I’ve never been good with relationships. Socializing, I mean. Ugh, what am I doing? I meant to ask you about Dawn.
Fierdan: About how she’s been acting strange lately? I know at least partly why, but I’m not going to tell you. Trauma and mental health shit can really fuck you up. It makes conversations between us feel so tense and awkward. Since I know her history, and she doesn’t because she repressed her shit, dissociated from it. *sighs* I know it’s not the same thing as forgetting, but I’d be so grateful that I forgot if I were her. I’d do literally anything to forget my traumatic memories, to not even remember all those words and touches. Why would she even want to remember being violated and treated far, far less than human?
Stella: I don’t understand, but I hope she’s okay. I’m a little concerned. I just.. *her hands become fists* I hate that you two had to go through so much horrific shit. I don’t know what happened to her, but I just know it had to be a living nightmare. Based on what you’ve said. *hesitates* Is it a result of the dissociating? Because of it?
Fierdan: Something to do with dissociating. Maybe it’s dissociating itself. Dawn’s is more severe than mine. *suddenly another wave of nausea hits him* Ow, fuck! *runs to the trash can, lowers his head over the edge and gags* Get out of me, you bitch. This fucking shit— *tries vomiting but nothing comes out, kicks the side of the trash can* Fucking hell! *then he feels like he was punched in the stomach and kicked between the legs, nearly falls face-first into the trash as he vomits*
Stella: *rushes to where Fierdan is, reaches out her hand to grab his forearm*
Fierdan: *abruptly moves his arm out of her reach, grimaces, his tone of voice changes* Don’t touch me.
Stella: *notices Fierdan’s tone sounding harsh or irritated* Fine. Deal with your shit yourself. Never mind all that. If you’re gonna be an asshole again, then I’ll just go.
Fierdan: *gets up, wipes the sides of his mouth with the back of his hand, glares at Stella* What the hell are you staring at? Am I amusing you? Do you find my pain entertaining? Like every other mother fucker—
Stella: *glares back at Fierdan* What the fuck is your problem? I thought we could finally talk and have a decent conversation. I guess I was wrong. You fooled me once again! Good for you! *tears appear in her eyes, clenches her fists*
Fierdan: *grits teeth* It fucking hurts. What did she do to me, that bitch? Fucking Dawn. *kicks the trash can harder and punches the wall behind it*
Stella: *gets up close to Fierdan and slaps him across the face* Dawn is not a bitch.
Fierdan: *his eyes burn with rage* You bitch!
Stella: *takes a deep breath* No, I’m not going to fight you. I’m not—
Fierdan: Do you want to fight? Fight me, bitch!
Stella: Don’t call me a bitch. If I hear you say that one more time, I’ll make the pain you felt earlier feel like bliss compared to what I’ll do to you.
Fierdan: *tries setting parts of his body on fire but the sparks don’t grow into flames, so a faint trace of smoke hovers over his skin* Ugh, what the fuck? *the ringing in his ears and the pain in his stomach return, he stumbles, gripping the edge of the trash can to prevent falling, stands there for several seconds, breathing slowly, sweating*
Stella: *shakes head* No, I can’t fight you. Not like this. *stands right behind Fierdan*
Fierdan: *whispers* I hate my mood swings. That shit really had to trigger them. Damn it. *his fingers loosen* I feel so weak. I’m so.. tired. *his fingers slip, he starts falling since his feet aren’t in any position for him to stand upright*
Stella: *catches Fierdan the moment before his face hits the floor and his head collides with the trash can* I got you.
Fierdan: *is too tired and weak to fight off Stella as she helps him sit down on the floor a few feet away from the trash can and against the wall, his eyes are closed and his head droops*
Stella: There, there. *brushes the strands of hair out of Fierdan’s face, takes out a tissue from her pocket and wipes the spit and vomit from around his mouth, tosses it into the trash can* You’re okay. You’re safe.
Fierdan: *slowly opens his eyes, whispers* I’m so sorry. I don’t know what overcame me. My mood swings are so sudden and so intense. My splitting or whatever it is. I hate my brain. I hate how I am this way. I have to do better. I’ve hurt you enough. I’m sorry, Stella.
Stella: *takes a step back, sighs* We’re both fucked up. What even happened to us?
Fierdan: You found out that I’m a monster. I am a bad person, after all.
Stella: I’m not going to argue with you over whether or not you’re a bad person.
Fierdan: It’s fine. I know I am.
Stella: No, I mean the binary of people being either “good” or “bad”— it’s stupid. No one is entirely “good” or “bad”.. and yes, that includes you. At least that’s what I believe.
Fierdan: Hmm, I see. Thanks, I guess.
[A few minutes later. Fierdan has calmed down and has enough energy to stand and walk again. Stella is standing next to him. They’re both leaning against the wall.]
Stella: By the way, why were you so pissed at Dawn after you threw up? You were so chill before, but then you just snapped.
Fierdan: It’s nothing.
Stella: It’s obviously not nothing. Tell me what’s going on.
Fierdan: *sighs, puts his arms behind his head* Fine, okay. When I was at Dawn’s place earlier, we had tea. You know, the tea she almost always has on her.
Stella: Yeah, and?
Fierdan: The ringing in my ears, the body aches, the nausea, the vomiting… It just.. I don’t know, I started believing Duke’s skeptical thoughts about Dawn’s tea. He had a hunch and maybe he was right. That he wasn’t just being a paranoid, untrusting guy.
Stella: I find it funny how you refer to Duke like he’s a totally different person, meanwhile he is you. You’re Fierdan, yes, but you’re also Duke. Duke is a part of you, and you share his memories. They’re yours.
Fierdan: *sighs, stares at the ceiling* Yeah, I know. I swear, you understand it better than most people.
Stella: Of course. Duke and I were very close. Well, for a while anyway. And I was there. You know, when it happened. The stabbing, the execution.
Fierdan: *suppresses a shudder, or at least there being more than one* Ah.. yeah. That.
Stella: *changes the topic since she can tell he is getting uncomfortable* Wait. What does Duke’s thoughts about Dawn and her tea have to do with what you said about her?
Fierdan: *looks at Stella* Oh, right. When Duke first met Dawn and she offered him tea, he was skeptical of her and it. It was before he got my memories of my history with her; he didn’t understand why he felt so drawn and connected to her; of course he was confused.
Stella: Hmm, and then what?
Fierdan: I’ll just get to the point. Duke didn’t trust Dawn at first. He thought Dawn attempted to poison him when she offered him a cup of tea. And.. well.. I started thinking that maybe she put poison in the cups she gave me. That the poison took a while to kick in, and it’s why my mind feels weird whenever I’m around her when I’m drinking it. And it’s why my body hurts all over. Oh and the ringing in my ears. It’s so painful. It really did hurt like hell. Not the worst shit I’ve experienced, of course, but it came out of nowhere. I didn’t expect it.
Stella: *laughs*
Fierdan: *frowns* What’s so funny?
Stella: *her hand covers her mouth* Sorry, it’s just funny how you don’t know. Well, you’re probably just doubting it. You have to know. You can’t be that clueless.
Fierdan: What? What are you talking about?
Stella: *lowers her hand* Dawn didn’t poison you. Come on, think about it. Why would she? You and I know her very well, and we know she wouldn’t do that.
Fierdan: How do you know?
Stella: *stares at him* I just know. She isn’t that kind of person. She’s not like you and Ryen— men caught up in anger, vengeance, and grudges.
Fierdan: *frowns* Hmm.
Stella: Just be grateful that you can meet with your siblings easily now. You know very well that I can’t with mine. That it’s a lot harder. Being in different realms and all.
Fierdan: Okay, fair. You have a good point.
Stella: Of course I do.
Fierdan: Hey, maybe you’re right. My body felt lighter when I was drinking the tea. I felt good for a while afterwards. *frowns* But then the same could be said for alcohol. I feel great when I’m drunk, but the hangovers are shit. It’s the price to pay. *sighs*
Stella: You’re not immune to hangovers? Don’t you drink most days of the week?
Fierdan: That has nothing to do with it. I still get them. I wish I didn’t, but I’m no god. *pauses* Remind me of that when I forget.
Stella: Before I forget what I planned on saying again, let me just say that I’ve had her tea plenty of times. I’m not sure why it makes you feel weird but pleasant. Maybe it has to do with your history. I don’t know. What I do know is her tea helps with my pain temporarily. It isn’t a drug or made with drugs.. you know the types I’m thinking of.
Fierdan: Hmm, I think I get what you mean. Okay.
Stella: *takes a deep breath, faces Fierdan* I have another reason why Dawn didn’t poison you. And why she won’t.
Fierdan: What is it then?
Stella: Dawn is a healer. She doesn’t fight like you and I do, like most of us do. She heals people. That’s where the abilities of her Elemental Power lies, where her strength lies. Whenever she wanted to fight, she used weapons, relied on other people like the two of us. *scratches the back of her neck* I know you and Duke saw her as a witch. Maybe you’re right. I can see the resemblance. She works with plants and can manipulate them, she makes things out of them.. she is able to relieve pain from others.
Fierdan: Dawn’s a witch? Is that what you’re saying?
Stella: No, I’m not saying she is one. But you have to admit that she shares some traits with witches. Not all witches are evil. She would be a good witch.
Fierdan: A good witch, huh? *laughs*
Stella: Why don’t you ask her if she’s a witch? See what she says.
Fierdan: You’re so funny, Stella.
Stella: I didn’t mean to be funny, but I’ll take this over you yelling and swearing at me.
Fierdan: I’m sorry about that.
Stella: Sure you are.
Fierdan: No, really. I want to fix what’s broken between us. *hesitates, swings his leg back and forth* I heard what you said before. You mentioned wanting to talk about some things and have a decent conversation. Did we do that?
Stella: I mean, we are having a decent conversation now. But it isn’t what I wanted to talk about. Not entirely.
Fierdan: And what did you want to talk about?
Stella: *avoids Fierdan’s gaze, stammers* Uh.. it’s.. umm…
Fierdan: Is it about feeling like an outsider and imposter?
Stella: That’s one thing.
Fierdan: Why do you feel that way?
Stella: *uses her arm to cover her face* I just do, okay? I feel like I don’t belong here. That it shouldn’t be me. *sniffs, rubs her eyes* I don’t know why it’s me. How it’s me. Why does it have to be me? It’s too much. I didn’t ask for this.
Fierdan: None of us asked to have superpowers.
Stella: I know, I know. I just… Fuck, I’m trying not to cry. Why do I have to be the one with ice and fire as my Elemental Power? How did I become the person with the combined type? Damn it, why! Why do I have to be the special one, the chosen one.. the “key” to saving the world? *lets out a laugh* Well, this one. At least stop the divide between us and them. Somehow. Maybe we were always meant to be on opposing sides. You and Soulless destroyed the other world. And I’m meant to be the one who saves this one.
Fierdan: Maybe not save.
Stella: *lifts head* What do you mean?
Fierdan: Maybe you’re meant to be the one who provides true peace. And if that never happens, as in it can’t just be put on you as the only one responsible, then maybe you’re the “key” to creating a new world for us. Where we can live and thrive. Be safe. All of us.
Stella: It’s so much pressure. I don’t know if I can.
Fierdan: Well, we’ll be right there with you. You’re not alone. It’s what we’ve been working towards. *puts his arms behind his head* Supposedly. At least that’s what they said.
Stella: Heh. *faces Fierdan* Thanks.
Fierdan: *nods* Is there anything else you wanted to talk to me about?
Stella: Maybe another time. I feel embarrassed to talk about the other stuff now. It’s getting late anyway. I should get dinner.
Fierdan: I don’t think I can handle food. *picks up the water bottle, twists off the cap, drinks from it*
Stella: Ah yeah, that’s fair. Perhaps you can take medicine for it? If it’s still bothering you, I mean. Or maybe something for the ringing in your ears. Or your cough. *pauses* Or was that because you smoked?
Fierdan: I doubt it, but who knows? *shrugs*
Stella: Well, are you still in pain?
Fierdan: I’ll just say that I can tolerate it now. *steps away from the wall* I should take a shower. I feel gross.
Stella: Oh, right. Totally. *steps away from the wall*
Fierdan: Want to talk more afterwards? Like, in a few hours? Or is tonight too soon?
Stella: Don’t you spend the nights with Jack?
Fierdan: He’s away on a mission somewhere with Elias and the twins today. He told me that he’ll probably return well after midnight. And I don’t plan on studying my parents’ books for the rest of the day.
Stella: Maybe you should just relax. Spend some time alone.
Fierdan: Alone, ha! That’s a good one. *swings his arms* If I’m too tired after showering, then I’ll nap or sleep for the night. Well, if my insomnia lets me get any sleep.
Stella: *nods* That sounds like a good plan.
Fierdan: But if I’m not, then I’ll knock on the door to your apartment, you’ll open the door, let me in, and you will tell me what’s bothering you. Something is, I can tell.
Stella: *blushes* I’m not sure…
Fierdan: No. Ever since we came here, we’ve been ignoring each other. I want the tension to end for good. We will open to each other. I will listen to you.
Stella: But why? I said rude things to you. I acted like a jerk. I’m also to blame for things falling apart between us.
Fierdan: To be fair, Duke is gone. That has to play a part, right?
Stella: Heh, you’re right.
Fierdan: About Duke, maybe I want us to talk and spend more time with you because.. because *blushes* Duke is influencing how I feel. You two became close friends. Duke.. he.. Duke loved you. Despite everything. He wouldn’t have done the things he did.. or not do the things.. if he didn’t care about you, if he didn’t love you.
Stella: *blushes more* What are you saying? We broke up long ago. We couldn’t last; we both know that. And.. and you have a boyfriend now. Don’t you love him?
Fierdan: Of course. More than anyone.
Stella: And you— Duke— still loves me. Somehow.
Fierdan: *hesitates then nods* Yes.
Stella: How? Why? Don’t fucking mess with me.
Fierdan: I’m not.
Stella: If it’s because I’m the only girl you were ever attracted to, and you’re too attached to give up the bisexual label instead of going “hey, maybe I’m just into men” then.. then…
Fierdan: That’s not it. Sure, you were the only girl I ever had a relationship with so far, but I’ve been attracted to others. Not as many crushes, though it’s occasionally happened. But I’ve thought many were hot, and I would sleep with them if I could. I’m definitely attracted to both men’s and women’s bodies. Both are hot. *pauses* Personality also matters, of course. But I could totally have sex with another man or woman and not have any romantic feelings for them. If I was single, I would have hooked up with some of the women at that bar. Maybe a few men, too.
Stella: *turns around, blushes* Okay, okay. I get it. Sorry.
Fierdan: No, I was rambling. I’m sorry.
Stella: *starts walking away, speaks softly* I’m sorry I couldn’t love you— Duke— properly. I’m sorry for ending it so abruptly and not talking about certain things with him when I had the chance. I’ve been an asshole, I admit it. *stops walking, takes a deep breath* I felt left behind. I wanted to know what love was like, but I was just tricking myself. I.. I don’t know if I ever loved you. I was just so desperate to not be alone. I wanted a friend, and if friends can become lovers, then so be it. But did I ever genuinely have romantic feelings for Duke? I don’t know. I wish I knew what genuine love and romance felt like. And.. and… I’m sorry for messing with you with my loveless heart. The ghost of Duke’s lips on mine haven’t left, and I can’t forget, but I can’t love properly. Something is wrong with me. Fierdan, Duke, I’m so sorry. *runs away*
Fierdan: *scratches the top of his head with a fingernail, sighs* Well then. A tiny part of me feels rejected, but most of me doesn’t care. No, not care. I think she’s too hard on herself. She doesn’t need to apologize for who she is. *looks down at his shirt* Damn. I need a fucking shower. *leaves to go to his apartment and shower*
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End of Confessions 2.
More confessions coming up.
~ Shan/Shyrah
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