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Tuesday, July 9, 2019

You're Such A Doll!

Hi, have another Picrew post.

These are from two or three days ago, depending on when I'll finish this post.

So without further ado, here's the generator I used: https://picrew.me/image_maker/2521

Note: It's called flower doll. I think that the avatars are supposed to be dolls. I'm pretty sure that the designs are only supposed to be for girls, but I didn't just design my female characters on it.

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Here's Dawn. I felt like designing her based on when she was a little girl. She was kind of like the equivalent of a fragile, nearly broken porcelain doll during her childhood. Especially during the time she "lived" with Z when he was "supposed to" be a "father figure" to her in addition to his sons. I wanted to change things up a little, so I decided to design her with her hair up like that. There are only two skin tones on this avatar maker, and this one is so pale. I imagine Dawn looking pale and almost ghost-like when she lived with Z; perhaps like a doll.

Here's Fauna. I feel like using this avatar maker fit her very well. I added angel wings and a halo to her look for those angelic vibes I get from her. I actually don't think of her being an angel like I did in the past, but I feel like she would be interested in them and dressing up to look like one.

Here's Twinkle. I felt like designing her when her hair was the length it was for the majority of story 1. I like when her hair looked like this, haha. The strands of her original hair color don't look too awkward here, and I like that. As you can see by looking at her knees, this is a doll maker. The reason Dawn and Fauna don't have visible doll knees is because they're wearing tights. 

Here's J___. I love how he looks in this one; it looks like something he would love to wear. I also finally got around to designing his hair how I picture it (dyed black with the front/bangs dyed silver that fades into white). I made himself dress up as a devil with the horns, wings, and tail because I just had to have one of my characters dressed up with those items on. The marks under his eyes look pretty similar to the ones I imagine him having. If you think he looks vaguely like someone in a circus or the human equivalent of the joker card in a deck of cards, then good! That's very good! One of his nicknames is Jinx because he might have the power to jinx people, and he's pretty much a jokester and trickster. The joker card is his favorite type of card in a deck of cards because he feels like he can relate to them. Not sure how though. You'll have to ask him.

Who is this? A boy or a girl? What do you think? 
..........
...............
.....................
This one is Pre-Fierdan, who I also refer to as Kid Danny. The marks that look like black scratches on his face are supposed to symbolize him being broken and having died a long time ago (dang, that's sad). But hey, he's happy here at least. When he would hang out Dawn, they would do some stereotypically girly activities. He wasn't very typically masculine for the majority of the first decade he's been alive. In this avatar, he's wearing mascara, eyeliner (is it okay for a little kid to wear that though? that's another question..), a flower crown (probably from the garden he spends a lot of time in with Dawn), a long-sleeved blouse, and a skort (I tried to design it so it looks like one). By skort, I mean a skirt with a pair of shorts inside/underneath it. He likes flowers, so I settled on the blouse with the flowers for him. When he was Kid Danny, he didn't really have any problems with dressing up femininely. But he would hate it when his father scolded and insulted him based on his personality, interests, and appearance. He's not a girl, he's a boy.

And this one is that same boy, now older. Everything about him has turned 180. He's pretty much the opposite of how he was as Kid Danny. Here, he's in his teens, at the time when his heart became corrupt and his mind completely manipulated by outside forces beyond his control. It's also when he was a victim of the most amount of trauma and abuse in his life. Yeah, he's had it pretty rough. Fierdan was a true edgelord in his teens. I decided on making him wear the outfit (with the accessories too) he wore on the day he violently killed Z when he finally came to visit his son. As a reminder, Fierdan killed his own father. As a teenager. Yeah ok so that happened. He wore all black from head to toe. All the shoes look formal and girly, so these were the best I could find for him. He also had on black gloves and a mask to cover his nose and mouth. You know, you have to dress up real nice when you decide to kill your father.. well, that's Fierdan's logic at least. I think he also wore a black cloak with a hood that he could use to cover his head and take off with ease, but I couldn't find a cloak in this avatar maker. Just imagine Fierdan as a very angry, homicidal (and secretly very suicidal) teenager dressed up in black from head to toe with the only other color being his brown eyes with such an intense look that threaten you all on their own. That sounds pretty terrifying, if you ask me. Wait, actually I imagine there being some purple in his outfit, too.. such as where the purple is in this design. He also got a sword somehow, so that's why he has one. Fierdan mainly used his deadly black fire to kill Z (yeah, he has fire powers in case anyone forgot since I haven't brought that up in what seems like forever), but his sword also played a role in killing Z (like making sure he's very, very dead). What a pleasant boy! Hahahahahaha ahh!! 

And that's all of them. Thanks for reading all about my cursed characters! :-)

Sunday, July 7, 2019

midnight music time

Hi, I feel like making a post where I just spam videos of songs I like.

It's midnight where I am right now.

This means it's midnight music time.

So yeah. That's cool.

Uh..........

Bye.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪

Quarter Past Midnight~ Bastille

Doom Days~ Bastille

Youth~ I See Stars (cover)
(this song reminds me of all of my main characters for some reason. it's the pain,, not the original either-)

We Never Asked For This~ Crywolf

Nobody Can Save Me~ Linkin Park
(sorry ;; )

Ghost of You (Acoustic)~ Sad Heroes 

I Can't Save the World If I'm Not Happy~ Eliza Grace
(I can imagine Twinkle singing this song; it reminds me of her so much...)

A Trophy Fathers Trophy Son~ Sleeping With Sirens
("is this what you call a family? is this what you call a family? is this what you call a family?")

Leave It All Behind~ Sleeping With Sirens

MZRY~ Crown The Empire

[it's 1 am now, but who really cares? lol]

The Other Side~ LEAV/E/ARTH 

Otherside~ Post Malone

Shameless~ Colorblind
(this song reminds me of Duke and Fierdan a little..)

Goodbye~ WVNDER 
(. . . . .)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's it for this music spam! 

Yes, they're all in my character music playlists. *cough, cough*

............... *rips my hair out* ok-

BYE

Saturday, July 6, 2019

more avatar makers but this time they’re me

... yeah. more avatar makers but this time they’re me.

I found more Picrew generators while wasting my life away on tumblr dot com.

I only made avatars of myself this time around.

pride-wrath month version !!!1!!1!

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From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/9264

oh boy that be me with those space ace vibes 

-x-x- 


heck yeah- ace and aro vibes. my aroace self is pleased. 

-x-x- 


oh worm? it’s me as an aro worm! 

-x-x- 


:0 !!! 

-x-x- 


rat with a hat. oh heck yeah!! 

(btw i hope you’re checking the links to the generators. it has info on who the artists are and where to find them- kinda sorta. ok, one more to go!)

-x-x-


owo uwu 

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

That’s all of them! :D 

........ the only activities that give me joy these days are making avatars of my characters and myself on Picrew, and watching/playing/reading the stuff by Nicky Case. 

https://ncase.me/ - Finally, I found something good to waste my life away spend time on. 

In other news, I feel sick. Sleeping the majority of the day but still feeling tired, despite not going anywhere all day sure.. well, it sucks. To be fair, my sleep quality is poor. It’s hard to sleep good when my nose is acting broken and refuses to let me breathe at all. It’s hard to breathe. My ears also hurt. Allergy medicine and ibuprofen didn’t help. I am still suffering. It’s been hours, and I tried them both more than once. But the pain is still here, dammit! It hurts! 

I also feel like I’m getting more and more depressed by the day, and if I have more energy and motivation to do anything physically in the “real world” I would say I’m getting more and more suicidal and having the urge to make my thoughts more than just thoughts by the day. 

I am directionless. I feel like a liar who manipulates people all the time. I avoided people who tried to help me. I can’t be saved if I refuse to save myself. I want, no I need, to get help, I have more resources now, but I’m a coward who can’t bring myself to talk to anyone irl about it in depth. 

me: shows nearly all the symptoms of a depressive disorder 
also me: are you sure you’re not just thinking yourself into being sad? 
(it’s not just being sad) 

It’s already July, and I still can’t get a job. I’m doing nothing. I see no point in doing anything. Every day I’m thinking about how much I have to die. Like, I have to. Even just changing something or that it’ll “get better” aren’t options for me anymore. My cursed brain thinks doing stereotypical self-harming behavior and then attempting suicide are rational things to do and the only option I have left at this point.

Thinking of going back to school makes me feel so restless and suicidal. Just bringing it up makes me want to die so badly. 

I’m tired of being this way. I’m tired of being me. 

But hey, creating avatars is something to do. I’m not sure if I can call them fun, but they’re pretty cute. 

Who cares about how I feel? I’m a failure, and that’s a fact! I screwed up so many things, and I hate myself for it all the time. 

I’m not like him! I hate myself for that too. I want to tear myself apart. 

I hate not being good enough. 

I don’t matter. I don’t deserve to. I’m a waste of space. I’m useless, worthless, hopeless. 

You can think I’m a good person, but I’m pretty sure I’m a bad person in the end. Every damn time. 

,,,,,,,,, bye. 

Thursday, July 4, 2019

updated some blog pages

... and by that, I mean three of them. 

Anyway........

It’s the 4th of July. 

(ha ha haa haaa aaaaaaaaaaa)

I’m just here to tell you folks that I...

1. Made a new page with my music playlists. It’s called “Music Playlists” which fits. Yeah. Sure it does.
2. Updated my “Audio” page.
3. Updated my “Interactive” page. 

So I did that. 

The “Audio” and “Interactive” pages can be found from the “Support Page” one. 

I put more apps and games on the list. 

But I felt sad after finding out the quiet place project doesn’t work anymore. None of the links for it work. 

................... God I feel awful. 

I loved using the quiet place project a few years ago. I didn’t even notice it was down. 

And one of the online games on my list went down, which in turn, made me feel down. 

But it’s ok because I found a new link to the same game. 

Yeah. Ok. Sure. 

I’m thinking of adding more games to the list. 

Games are fun. They kinda fill the emptiness within my heart. 

ayy~ :^) 

Will I come back? I don’t know. 

I feel awful. 

I want to leave. 

So yeah. 

(ha ha oof)

Goodbye. 

~ Cutepups 

Wednesday, July 3, 2019

oop s

No, I didn’t write a skit at 2 am. I still didn’t write a skit. Sorry to disappoint y’all. 

My house lost power and wifi for a few hours though. So, uh, that kinda sucked. 

Also went to visit a family member in the hospital. (he’s fine though) 

idk what else to put here lol 

I’m still adding songs to my playlists pretty often. Some of them are over 24 hours long. ;) i’m-obsessed *cough* 

*tries to think of anything else to say*

........ ok, got something. 

My characters sorted into Hogwarts Houses. (well, actually two that fit each of them the best. each person gets two houses because fu— because i said so.) 

• Duke/Fierdan (I’m counting them together): Slytherin / Gryffindor 
• Twinkle: Gryffindor / Hufflepuff
• Ryen: Ravenclaw / Slytherin 
• Dawn: Hufflepuff / Ravenclaw 
• Ardere: Hufflepuff / Gryffindor 
• J___: Hufflepuff / Slytherin 
• Fauna: Ravenclaw / Hufflepuff 

(yeah idk lol)

...... ok, that’s all I’m doing. 

~ Cutepups 

Tuesday, July 2, 2019

more characters in avatar makers

More characters in avatar makers- yes.

I felt like making avatars of these characters.

So that’s why. Ok.

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From this generator (again): https://picrew.me/image_maker/42843

Ardere! :D 

I love how this Ardere one turned out. My boy,, <3 

Dawn! :’) 

Heck yeah, she’s in a suit. <3 

(or like, a school uniform, but whatever..)

-x-x- 

From this generator (again): https://picrew.me/image_maker/19138


(who is he?)

Well, uh....

He’s supposed to be J___ at the boring business job that Ryen and Fierdan from this avatar maker work at. J___ looks dead inside lmao omg. He doesn’t like boring work, pfft. His dark circles have gotten darker. He hasn’t slept in ages. He already falls asleep very late (so does Fierdan), therefore having a 9-to-5 hour workday isn’t working that well for him (and Fierdan). Save him... 

At least he kept his tie on. But his shirt isn’t buttoned all the way. Dang it. 

J___ here also looks a bit similar to at least one of my other characters. Ahem, one of my un-named ones. 

Hmm, maybe he looks unhappy because his hair isn’t dyed and is in a boring haircut. 

(so boring ikr, so unlike him ikr)

-x-x-

Here’s a bonus! :)



(who are they?)

This character was originally supposed to be Twinkle, but when I was almost done creating this avatar, it turned into J___ a little bit. I think it looks like both of them, haha. 

And so, this avatar is a combination of them. It’s the two of them as one person. 

Oh gosh, I love them. ;w; 

.... they both see blood, bleed, and deal with blood. ok- 

I guess the hat and necklace count as a costume for them. 

And yes, I’m using they/them characters for my Twinkle/J___ combination character. 

*going on a tangent* 

I think about the relationship between J___ and Fierdan a lot because theirs is very strong. (they eventually become lovers on top of best friends, get with the program..)

But like. J___ and Twinkle have a (totally different type, mind you) connection as well. 

*cough* J___ “saved” Twinkle, Duke, and Fierdan (story 1 and 2+). *cough, cough* 

(what does “saved” mean? idk, in a variety of ways and no this has nothing to do with romance actually what no-) 

........ though J___ and Fierdan do at some time in the hypothetical future get something that might be romantic if I even have the ability to define it (me and my dumb aro ass). 

............... they’re also rather.. lustful? on their stats for the seven deadly sins, it’ll probably be like this: 

Fierdan: wrath, lust, greed 
Ryen: wrath 

...... actually, that’s all I’ve got. 

(wait, where’s J___?) 

uh what- 

Fierdan at some point in his 20s becomes rather very sexual. hMM PROBLEMatic!!!1!1!!1! 

Anyway, J___ is a good friend. Towards Fierdan, towards Twinkle, towards the majority of the protagonist characters squad. :) 

............. it kinda amuses me how I might have gotten you guys interested in J___ while I never properly wrote anything that he’s in. 

He’s pretty problematic himself. He’s not a G-rated character. He’s like, idk, R-rat rated. Maybe a strong PG-13. 

(that’s only supposed to be rat joke that’s only for myself.) 

..................... don’t worry, I never write these days. 

*gets the urge to write a skit at 2 am* oh 

well, uh, bye! 

~ Cutepups 

Monday, July 1, 2019

It’s July apparently

For some reason, I think I made a post with the same title but with a different month. ... yeah idk. 

Anyway...

Hi. It’s July, apparently. Time sure is passing by... quickly... great...... 

(the text is supposed to be getting smaller in size ^^)

So, uh, the party was good. I guess. *shrugs*

What else? Uh...

Well, I made different characters with the Picrew generators I recently posted. Now I have more avatars of my characters, haha. I’m not going to post them now though because I’m typing this on the app, and it doesn’t allow me to insert images into my posts on here. So, you know, whatever. I’ll do that later. 

On a random note- my nose hurts all over, even the bridge of my nose feels weird.. and as per usual, it feels like i can’t breathe through my nose. 

thANKS BOdy!!1!1!!!one!! :-} 

It’s been like this since yesterday too. Ugh..

me: *stares at my phone, considering whether or not to mention that other stuff i might think of including in blog posts* 
also me: nah, i’ll do that another time. 
cycle: *repeats over and over again* 

I spent the last few hours on YouTube watching videos on disorders and disabilities. Why? I don’t even know. 

Haha uhhhh ok,,,,, 

oh oh oh wait—

I had a stressful dream, but there was this giant dog with dark brown fur and a lighter brown chest and paws and a white muzzle or just around that region in general in it, and that dog was huge and had a :3 face. Haha, that was the best part of that dream. 

........... yeah uhh huh—

Alright, alright. Goodbye. 

~ Cutepups 

Spoiler: My mental health isn’t the best (or, like, my health in general *pfft*), and I’ve been using avatar makers in order for me to visually show you guys what my characters look like because I hate everything I draw these days.... just kidding, I haven’t been drawing much lately. But seriously, my health is far from the best, and I’ve been making those characters as avatars from X or Y generator posts to distract myself from posting about more... serious things, let’s say. 

Ok! That’s it for now. 

Goodbye. <3