more avatar makers but this time they’re me

... yeah. more avatar makers but this time they’re me.

I found more Picrew generators while wasting my life away on tumblr dot com.

I only made avatars of myself this time around.

pride-wrath month version !!!1!!1!

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From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/9264

oh boy that be me with those space ace vibes 

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From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/92653

heck yeah- ace and aro vibes. my aroace self is pleased. 

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From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/89533

oh worm? it’s me as an aro worm! 

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From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/92776

:0 !!! 

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From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/92310

rat with a hat. oh heck yeah!! 

(btw i hope you’re checking the links to the generators. it has info on who the artists are and where to find them- kinda sorta. ok, one more to go!)

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From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/38734

owo uwu 

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That’s all of them! :D 

........ the only activities that give me joy these days are making avatars of my characters and myself on Picrew, and watching/playing/reading the stuff by Nicky Case. 

https://ncase.me/ - Finally, I found something good to waste my life away spend time on. 

In other news, I feel sick. Sleeping the majority of the day but still feeling tired, despite not going anywhere all day sure.. well, it sucks. To be fair, my sleep quality is poor. It’s hard to sleep good when my nose is acting broken and refuses to let me breathe at all. It’s hard to breathe. My ears also hurt. Allergy medicine and ibuprofen didn’t help. I am still suffering. It’s been hours, and I tried them both more than once. But the pain is still here, dammit! It hurts! 

I also feel like I’m getting more and more depressed by the day, and if I have more energy and motivation to do anything physically in the “real world” I would say I’m getting more and more suicidal and having the urge to make my thoughts more than just thoughts by the day. 

I am directionless. I feel like a liar who manipulates people all the time. I avoided people who tried to help me. I can’t be saved if I refuse to save myself. I want, no I need, to get help, I have more resources now, but I’m a coward who can’t bring myself to talk to anyone irl about it in depth. 

me: shows nearly all the symptoms of a depressive disorder 

also me: are you sure you’re not just thinking yourself into being sad? 

(it’s not just being sad) 

It’s already July, and I still can’t get a job. I’m doing nothing. I see no point in doing anything. Every day I’m thinking about how much I have to die. Like, I have to. Even just changing something or that it’ll “get better” aren’t options for me anymore. My cursed brain thinks doing stereotypical self-harming behavior and then attempting suicide are rational things to do and the only option I have left at this point.

Thinking of going back to school makes me feel so restless and suicidal. Just bringing it up makes me want to die so badly. 

I’m tired of being this way. I’m tired of being me. 

But hey, creating avatars is something to do. I’m not sure if I can call them fun, but they’re pretty cute. 

Who cares about how I feel? I’m a failure, and that’s a fact! I screwed up so many things, and I hate myself for it all the time. 

I’m not like him! I hate myself for that too. I want to tear myself apart. 

I hate not being good enough. 

I don’t matter. I don’t deserve to. I’m a waste of space. I’m useless, worthless, hopeless. 

You can think I’m a good person, but I’m pretty sure I’m a bad person in the end. Every damn time. 

,,,,,,,,, bye.