sh it

I don’t care about the title of this post. Ok so deal with it. 

I’ve been debating whether or not to create a post now or not, but I can’t sleep and I can’t talk to anyone right now, so here I am. 

(I write “now” way too much; I hate myself.) 

Hi, my name is Shan, and I want to DIE. :-} 

...... I feel like total shit again, so that’s great. Life sure is great. :^) 

me: starts to feel better 

life: happens 

depressed and suicidal feelings: come back 

me: fucking hell 

oh oh oh but wait! 

My grandma somehow got all of us tickets for that broadway play, so I can’t die yet. 

oh darn. ah geez. fine. fine!! i’ll keep living, i guess. 

.............. goddamnit.

My self-esteem is so low that I think my cousins that are younger than me are way better than me (I’m including baby cousins too) and I wasn’t and still am not good enough for anyone in this goddamn fucking family. fuck fuck fuck,,,, I really have no self-esteem. 

it makes me feel so sick that virtually everyone in my family is better than me. it doesn’t matter what. it’s everything. i’m never good enough. i’m an afterthought. no one likes me. no one wants to talk / talks to me. the baby cousins are doing a ton more of good stuff than what i was doing at their age. 

It’s Fact. Don’t come by and say some bs like it’s the depression talking or whatever the fuck. it’s fact that i’m never good enough, people don’t remember me like they do everyone else (including my siblings which makes me want to rip my skin off), and everyone is good at something while i was/am goddamn awful at it. 

I’m so tired and repulsed and I want to die so fucking badly. like,, holy shit?? everyone hates me!! why the FUCK am i still alive if no one cares??!!?!

and and and and and and and

I can’t even go to my doctor or another one until the end of August. so basically I wasted another summer. 

I REALLY HAVE TO DIE. FUCK THIS SHIT FUCK THIS SHIT FUCK THIS SHIT 

hahahahahahaha,,, I guess the possibility of me getting professional help for my shitty mental health before heading back to college can’t happen. 

I can’t even do anything. 

fuck it all, fuck everything. 

I don’t even have the basic amount of motivation and energy to even work a regular job. I’m so fucking tired of applying to jobs and not hearing back from any of them (and the ones I did hear back from soon became disinterested in me). 

job this, job that..... only ask me about getting a job. that and college. talking about those things make me want to kill myself. 

(wow, i’m suicidal. what else is new) 

oh and now i’m pretty sure i’m (irl) romance repulsed, which makes me hate life even more. romance is everywhere. just about everyone i know irl assuming i’m cishet. assuming i’m like them. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it!!! i’m not that!!!!!!!!! 

and knowing not everyone in my family would be supportive of my identity if I ever come out just kills me. (not in the good way)

gggggooooodddddddd

I swear I’m like a ghost. People don’t even notice me until it’s beneficial for them to. 

and to put the icing on the cake.......

My sister has 2 birthday cakes. She can’t take them back with her, apparently. 

My mom remembered to get her a cake when she wasn’t even home yet. 

And yet when I’ve been home for a few days, you still forgot to get me a cake for my birthday? 

(oh hmm. hmmmm)

I bet to an outsider, this sounds so stupid and petty. but like, you guys don’t know how annoying and in-my-face my mom is about it. 

Like I get it, mom!! Sister has two birthday cakes now! What are we gonna do with all this cake?! 

She brought up birthday cake so many times, if I think of keeping count I think I’ll lose my goddamn mind. 

You remember to get cake for everyone else in the family, but not me. I guess I don’t count. I’m not good enough to deserve a birthday cake, I guess. 

SHE WASN’T EVEN HOME YET, BUT YOU STILL REMEMBERED IT WAS HER BIRTHDAY. MEANWHILE I WAS HOME A FEW DAYS BEFORE MINE, AND YOU FORGOT ABOUT MINE. THAT’S NOT ALL. YOU’RE OBSESSED ABOUT GETTING HER GIFTS YET I STILL DIDN’T GET A GIFT FROM YOU FOR MY BIRTHDAY. YOU ARE LITERALLY ENFORCING THAT DEPRESSING THOUGHT CYCLE I HAVE THAT I DON’T DESERVE GOOD THINGS. OR ANY THING FOR THAT MATTER. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

“Is this what you call a family? Is this what you call a family? Is this what you call a family? Is this what you call a family? Is this what you call a family? Is this what you call a family? Is this what you call a family? Is this what you call a FAMILY? FAMILY!” - a trophy fathers trophy son by sws 

but i’m still one of the lucky ones, right? 

*the trigger to the imaginary gun in my head is pulled*