So... Masking? ♾

Hi. I’m back with another post- not a poem this time.

So, about the previous post... 

It was a poem I just wrote on the spot. Yeah, I did that again. 

I wrote it to comfort myself. It’s a comforting writing piece. And like the rest of my creative writing, it’s about a topic very personal to me. 

Which brings me to this: 

So... Masking? What did I exactly mean by that? 

I found an in-depth article (academic journal?) that explains it. Masking information 

It is a behavior (set of behaviors) that neurodivergent people engage in. 

In my case, I was intending my poem/writing piece to be about autism more than anything else. 

And that brings me to this: 

Hi, I’m called Cutepups or Shan on here. I haven’t been active on this blog in a while. So many things changed in my life over these past few months. 

Including figuring this out and getting diagnosed: 

Hi, I’m autistic. 

Turns out I have Autism Spectrum Disorder. 

♾ 

So, that’s one thing. I could create more posts about other things that happened in my life this year.

Whenever I think about blogging now, I realize how open and public it is. It seems daunting to me, to tell you the truth. I don’t feel as impulsive to make posts about everything that happens in my life as I once did. Maybe you viewers don’t need to know everything about me. And that’s okay. 

That’s all I feel like saying for now. Bye. 

Mask (poem)

There is a certain sense of 

feeling disoriented in the disconcerting situation 

when your lines of reality and unreality become 

blurred so much that you realize that 

there were never solid lines in the first place.

There isn’t anything like 

staring at yourself in the mirror,

touching your face,

and finding out that 

what is staring back at you

turns out to not be your face 

but a superficial version of yourself. 

I wish it was straightforward—

the moment of realization when the mirrored face

turns from human skin to 

plastic, clay, wood— 

anything that’s not your skin,

but such a transformation never happens

since this isn’t a 

beautiful mess of a metamorphosis. 

 

There isn’t anything beautiful 

when you don’t know your true self anymore 

and all you know is suppressing and hiding 

who you really are 

in order to survive. 

There is no beauty in discovering that 

your face and reflection don’t match;

identity crisis rises in bile in your throat 

and you start questioning everything 

because you don’t know who you are anymore. 

This is an insidious type of mask 

that you could go years and years wearing 

without even knowing it,

and you don’t even receive a costume piece 

as a gift for finding out about your own mask 

because in the end, 

there is no mask.

This is ironic,

such a bad joke,

and you’ve got to be kidding me.

Finding out that I have a mask

which I can’t take off and use as a costume—

where is the silver lining?

But when you learn about your own mask,

you can’t go back,

so now you know better

since you know you have a mask,

and it’s better than being in the dark,

not knowing why you are the way you are.

There is nothing wrong with us

for being forced by society to wear masks 

in order to adapt, be accepted, and less ridiculed 

by the intimidating majority.

There is nothing shameful in

using survival tactics without being 

consciously aware of them 

since you’re so used to wearing your mask. 

But finding out that we’re not alone

and that a whole community is out there 

makes the future seem a little brighter

and worth taking those tentative steps out of the dark. 

We aren’t fake,

superficial versions of normal,

pathological liars

for wearing masks.

Know what it really is?

It’s something called

Masking. 

. . .

I

have changed

and will continue 

to change

until you, and them,

and everyone

are unable to recognize me.

I am

unrecognizable,

a force of chaos,

instability,

mental anguish;

a spectrum of emotions and colors

too wide and complex to be

fully seen and comprehended

by any human eye and mind.

If you think you know me,

you are sadly mistaken;

I am no longer that person,

nor do I recognize that version of me,

no, not anymore.

A forcefield,

too much force,

too much impulsivity,

too much 

yet never enough

simultaneously.

Played tug of war

and I pulled too hard,

causing you to let go;

then I let go

with cruel hands that only know 

harm and errors,

with my deceitful fingers that only

spin lies as truth,

and I am caught up in the web

of my lost and forgotten identity.

I have

bled and bled,

vomited up my sickness,

got myself covered in bruises—

accidental? with intent?—

had my heart break and collapse and spasm

in this void in my chest;

self-destruction and self-sabotage,

those are my specialties,

my addiction that I want to quit

but I 

relapse time and time again.

I am unrecognizable

to you, to them,

to myself;

I am unknowable;

the key is that

I am going through my very own

metamorphosis. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That is a poem I just wrote on the spot. No plan, no thoughts; I just wrote it. Simple as that.

I couldn't bear looking at anything related to this blog or anything Blogger/Blogspot for a long time, but I knew I couldn't permanently leave this place. At least not with a proper goodbye. 

So I guess this to say I haven't forgotten this place. It still means a lot to me.

I am back. 

April 23rd: Stella’s Birthday

Hi, I’m back. 

Know what today is? It’s April 23rd. Know what I made that date mean? ;)

It’s Stella’s birthday! I made April 23rd be her birthday. :D

(Stella = Twinkle) 

Happy birthday, my blue ice-fire child! <3 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, I’ve been working on updating and organizing my original character information sheets. I changed some things. I don’t think I’ve mentioned them on here before. 

I’ve changed my characters’ ages again. Well, Stella’s age. I changed her age from 17 to 18. I think it fits better if she’s already 18 during story 1. To make things easier. That also means that Duke is 18. 

They’re 18 year olds instead of 17 year olds. Ok so yeah.

A few of my game night friends and I have been introducing each other to our oc’s. So that’s what’s been happening lately. Introducing my irl friends to my twisted mind. Uh, I mean my characters. Ha, ha...

Stella’s Intro Info Sheet: 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Name: Stella L. *(haven’t completely decided on a last name yet)*

Age: 18

Height: 5’4”

Eye color: Blue

Current hair color: Dark blue with the roots and some strands being strawberry blonde (her natural hair color)

Sexuality: Aro-spec Asexual

Assigned sex: Female

Gender: Female or feminine-leaning nonbinary? (gender questioning lol)

Pronouns: She/her

Likes: Listening to music, singing, freedom, reading, poetry, her sister, adventure, blue and silver and black, having a purpose

Dislikes: Her parents, liars, the people who want to harm her and her friends, confinement, math, double standards, being blamed for things which aren’t her fault, anxiety, depression

Personality: Reserved, quiet, nervous and worried a lot, stubborn at times, indecisive 

Fears: Her school bullies, being manipulated, drowning, being harmed, betrayal, guns and gunshots, being forced into life-and-death situations in general

Backstory: Stella’s home life is rather unfortunate. Her parents were either distant or treated her unfairly compared to her younger sister. They always preferred her over Stella. Then one fateful day a few years ago from when the story begins, she and her sister get caught in an accident turned tragedy. Since Stella was the only one out of the two to survive, her parents end up blaming her for her sister’s death. Already having trouble talking to people and making friends, her parents make it even harder by only allowing her to go to school and her bedroom. Add her personality and being deemed unattractive by most of her peers, she doesn’t have friends or any good support system, making her a target of frequent bullying. Fast forward a bit and she is caught in another freak, possibly supernatural, accident, which ends up with her being a hospital patient for a short while. Even at this point, her parents don’t express much love towards her. During her hospital stay, Stella realizes that her body is changing such as the color of her hair. The cause remains a mystery for a while until she discovers that she is developing supernatural, elemental, powers. Towards the end of her hospital stay, she fatefully meets a mysterious and fairly charming classmate who is also staying at the hospital at the same time as her. With his persuasive charm, he connects to Stella’s desire for freedom and to escape, convincing her to go on an adventure they won’t ever be able to forget.

Any extra information: Stella is the main protagonist in my story universe. There are other protagonists, but I view her as the main one. It takes her a while to figure out her Elemental Power, blue ice-fire, due to how complex it is. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bye for now. :’)

— Shan 

7 years of existence (blog anniversary)

Hi, I have returned. And uh......

It is time. Yes. >:)

Today's the anniversary of this weird blog. 

It's been 7 years. I've had this blog for 7 years now. Omg.

Damn...

...... idk what to do...

I feel old lmao.

Well, uh, I quickly drew a crow a few nights ago. Since it was Draw a Bird Day. And yes, that is a thing.

I haven't done art in so long. 

Crows are cool, huh. Corvids. Nice.

Look at this little guy. I think it looks cute.

idk what i'm saying—

(spiritixsw is my name on other online places)

I looked at this picture I took while in the gardens at the Palace of Versailles while I was in France. 

Little crow guy... :>

Yes, it was there. See?

Yeah, I'm showing pictures from summer 2018 now. *shrugs*

That was nearly 3 years ago. What the hell—

Ah, what a place... :')

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Goodbye for now. 

~ 7 years ♥ ~

Gaming Youtuber + Chocolate Factory School Teacher Dream (and other things)

Hi, I have returned. :)

Last Wednesday sure was a day. Haha yeah, it sure was. Geez.

Classes were canceled. I felt sick that morning. I felt terrible. So much pain. 

Big oof. :(

Then I took a nap since I didn't get that much sleep that night. And my dream sure was interesting. 

This is what I still remember from that dream:

I had a popular Youtube channel which connected to my blog (yes, this one). I played games and sang songs on my channel. I remember playing Animal Jam in several of my videos, but it was like a cooler and more competitive game version. I also played other computer games, but I forgot which ones. I had lots of videos and subscribers (wow, Cutepups is so successful and popular in their dreams XD).

About the songs, I also sang songs on this Youtube channel. In the dream, I rewatched a bunch of my own videos, and wow, I really liked my voice. It made me happy. It wasn't high-pitched and squeaky. I remember my voice sounding androgynous, maybe even masculine. And it pleased me. I liked that. My gender was ambiguous because of my voice. Gosh, if only that could also happen in real life.

When all of this was happening, I also dreamed that I worked at a chocolate factory in this chocolate universe. So while I was working there, I looked back at my old Youtube channel from when I was 14-18. I don't know why I quit making videos. It kinda reminded me of when and how I quit making Animal Jam related posts lmao. I could also remember recording my Youtube videos on my bed at home, which I thought was funny since my room was so messy.

I was a school teacher in this chocolate factory/universe. Chocolate school teacher, hehe. ;P

I forgot the rest. I don't remember the other details. Oh darn. 

Now for other topics! 💫

♦♦♦

It's the end of the day. But whatever. It still counts. 

Only my time zone matters, of course. (just kidding lmao)

It's April 3rd. </3

If Sunshine (my dog) was somehow still alive, today would have been her 16th birthday. Her sweet sixteen. 

It made me a bit emotional earlier. :'(

I still miss her so much. 

♦♦♦

I'm out here thinking about these campus cats. I love them. :')

Lots of them remind me of Thelma. Small tuxedo cats. Must be Thelma's long-lost twins, huh.

Look at them. They're so cute!

The cat in the first picture kept following me. To be fair, I also followed it. I was able to pet the cat in the second picture. Such a nice kitty cat. :3

And the last two pictures are of a cat family meeting. The tuxedo cats and black cats are having a meeting. I saw cats and kittens there. I saw at least eight cats that day (I saw the tabby on the same day). 

(We get it. You love cats.)

Of course I do! 

♦♦♦

I've been thinking about my lightning golden boy lately. 

Ardere. I mean that kid. Lightning boy. 

This boy.

Why was I thinking about him? Ha! Like I would reveal my secrets. >:)

(You've revealed so many of your secrets on here, Cutepups.)

Just... shh. Shh. Hush now. 

He has golden eyes. Gold irises. I love my handsome, wholesome boy. :)

I'm thinking about what happens to him, what becomes of him. So many possibilities. 

I'm emotional over my ideas. Damn.

Would it be funny if Duke and Fierdan only assumed [redacted] happened, but it actually didn't? Would I provide further context? Of course not!

Duke/Fierdan. Ah geez, these fools will be the death of me. 

It's just a saying! Ahhhhh—

♦♦♦

Have some songs. Why not. 

I've been playing some of these songs on repeat a lot. >;)

🎵🎵🎵🎵

Lovely~ Lauren Babic and Seraphim (cover)

Nowhere To Run~ Stegosaurus Rex (slowed down)

Brave New World~ Kalandra

Same Old Song~ The Jon Hill Project and Tilian

I See You~ MISSIO

Control~ Zoe Wees

♥♥♥

Some Random Pics: Picrew, Cats, and More!

idk what to title my posts anymore—

Hi again. It's been yet another week. 

I feel dead or that I'm being killed, but I... that's just a sad excuse of a metaphor. 

College... ugh. So much work. So much stress. And I'm falling behind in most of my classes. 

Yeah haha, I'm totally thriving! /*sweats sarcasm*

idk what to say here anymore—

Ahem, ahem. Have some random pics, I guess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Link 1: https://picrew.me/image_maker/684058

It's supposed to be me with short hair and space makeup (the stars and moons look cute).

Jack looking cheerful. The lines under his eyes are the closest thing I could find to his small "x" tattoos on the lower outer corner next to his eyes. And yes, he is blushing. uwu

Fierdan... wait, he actually looks pretty normal? wow. Black and red suit him well. What do you think? Yeah uh, he's just there. 

Ryen is also just standing there. Sometimes I imagine him wearing an oversized white or beige coat. That blue-gray shirt also reminds me of him for some reason. The color does, I mean. He looks less annoyed in this Picrew. Good for him.

☾☾☾

(moon barrier- ha!)

Link 2: https://picrew.me/image_maker/140200

I designed Dylan and Jack here. Dylan is a bitter, short-tempered boy. He has no time for bs. Here, he's annoyed with Jack. That height difference though. It's more exaggerated in this Picrew, I'll admit. And look, the background is water. Heh, heh... nice.

☾☾☾

Link 3: https://picrew.me/image_maker/603740

First of all, this Picrew is adorable! I love it. I designed myself wearing a cat hat and a clown outfit while holding a frog toy and thinking of frogs. cats + frogs + clowns = what's on my mind. hehe :3

☾☾☾

Link 4: https://picrew.me/image_maker/598865

I also really like the style of this Picrew. It's cute and funny. I like the clueless and lost vibes in some of the Picrews. It kinda reminds me of the meme where the anime boy doesn't know what a butterfly is. The blank look in the eyes staring at nothing, the smile, the hand position. Haha yes. Where am I? Well, I guess I'm in the sky. There are both clouds and glowing stars. Hmm, that's interesting. 

☾☾☾

That's enough with Picrew for now. 

So now it's cat time! ;D

Ok so last Monday, I found this cats spot on my college campus. And me, being a cat lover, was thrilled to see all the cats. They're small cats and some are tuxedo cats, so they remind me of Thelma (my tuxedo cat). 

Seeing cats gives me serotonin that I desperately need. Haha... oof.

Here are some of the cat pics I took over the past week. I visited the cats spot a few times. :3

Look at them relaxing in the sun. The weather has been warm and sunny lately. Not now though. It's currently windy and raining. 

There's a gazebo with a few benches as well as a small pond and little stream in this place. It's so peaceful. It's such a nice spot. Then add cats and it's even better. I love it.

These tuxedo cats were relaxing on the bench opposite of where I was sitting. They remind me of my Thelma. They're so cute. :')

<3 <3

☾☾☾

Now it's time for the ??? Miscellaneous part of the post. >;)

With pictures of course. Will there be context? Eh, who knows? 

Ok, let's get on with it. 

☾☾☾

Screenshots from a story on Episode called "The Darkness Within" which I played in November. 

I kept forgetting to put them in a post, so I'm doing that now. Sure.

Danielle = female Fierdan (Daniel). 

These screenshots remind me of when Fierdan (going by Danny at the time) starts to become vulnerable with Jack and confides in him. The start of their close friendship which eventually becomes their romantic and sexual relationship as well later on. But they stay as good friends for a long while before all that. 

Fierdan has lots of nightmares and flashbacks as a result of his PTSD (his own trauma and Duke's). So he doesn't like sleeping alone. 

So then Jack lets Fierdan hang out at night in his room. And that's what they do: hang out. Sometimes they watch movies. It's pretty cute. Then Fierdan starts staying the night there, so he won't sleep alone. He has someone by his side. It supposedly helps with his nightmares and abandonment issues. *shrugs*

By the way, "Jack" is another one of his "J" nicknames. He really likes using Jack because of its connotations (jack of all trades, the jack cards in a deck of cards). He's kind of like a Joker. A fool, a jester... and he has the ability to be evil like the Joker villain. Hehe, he has a dark side. 

ja boi !!

The screenshots:

My heart... ;~;

Don't mind me imagining ja boi with purple contacts and purple hair. I can totally picture him appearing like that at some point. 

Jack is also very twisted. Fierdan isn't the only one who's twisted and sinister. Jack also did some pretty screwed up stuff. He ain't a saint.

~ all the hair dye, tattoos, and piercings to separate himself from his past. moving on from his old self. ja boi, you're having an identity crisis. i know you are. ~

What else..?

I miss writing skits. I haven't made one in ages. 

I don't know where to begin. How to start again.

I miss seeing my characters interact with each other. They all seem stagnant without any new skits. What are they up to? I don't know.

To me, they're alive. They live in my mind. They have their own thoughts and lives. 

Hahahahahaha fuu—

I still add songs to their Spotify playlists. Because... music... yes. Music, my beloved. (the meme- yes).

Ok, I'm too tired to continue this post. I'll end it here.

Bye, bye. 

~ Shan / Cutepups