idk what this is either (january 2023 version)

Hi. It’s January 2023. 

idk what this is either (january 2023 version)

It’s now been a whole year since Mr. Zo died. Can’t believe it. (He was my grumpy boy cat.)

Blogger signed me out when I try to comment on my blog. And other Blogger blogs. Again. Gotta check the settings. Again. *sigh* :/  

I have no idea how I’m feeling physically and mentally right now. Not good?? Neutral?? idk!! 

I’m at that weird state where I haven’t obsessed over my characters in months, but I still add songs to their Spotify playlists since songs still remind me of them. Also, lots of times when I’m trying to fall asleep, I randomly get thoughts of them. And I feel like an intruder spying on them. Yeah, I just.. I don’t even know. 

I also still design them on various Picrews. I even have a Picrew from the middle of last year where I created avatars of many of my characters. I keep forgetting to show it here. I’m forgetful and busy, haha. 

Special interest weird zone these days. I feel so weird…

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[Setting: Bar but it’s nearly empty. A few people are sitting on stools at the bar. I don’t know how to describe things anymore. I feel blank—]

Fierdan: *wraps his hand tighter around his nearly empty beer glass* I don’t know. Is it irrational of me to fear being forgotten? 

Jack: Well, I—

Fierdan: *cuts Jack off (smh), stares at the last drop of beer in his glass* But at the same time, I’m too tired to care. I have no more energy left to care. 

Jack: We’ll all be forgotten some day, but being afraid of it… I wouldn’t call it irrational. *sighs* I’ve been feeling tired lately as well. Apathetic. *takes a long sip of beer from his glass* 

Female voice from the entrance to the bar: Stop projecting onto your characters, Shan— 

Jack: *turns to face that direction* Oh. Hey, Dawn. 

Dawn: *walks over to them* Hey. 

Finny: Did she just break the fourth wall? Also, who’s Shan—

Me: *randomly appears sitting on another stool* I did not expect myself to be here, but okay. Where’s the bartender?

Ryen: There is no bartender. This is a liminal space you created for us— and for you— to exist in. 

Me: Ryen? What are you doing here? This is a bar! 

Ryen: Liminal space. 

Me: What? 

Stella: *points to Fierdan* You have abandonment issues. 

Me: Wow, so blunt. 

Fierdan: Yeah, I know. *finally drinks the last drop of beer in his glass* 

Me: Wow, such a chill response. 

Finny: Sorry, but who are you again? 

Stella: You can’t just say that, Finny. 

Finny: Huh, why? 

Stella: You just can’t. It’s common courtesy. 

Me: *is at a total loss for words* 

Fierdan: Well, it has been a while since we, you know, talked. Things changed. Like, I’m more chill now. 

Stella: *scoffs (is that the right word?)* More chill. Ha! 

Jack: *rolls eyes* You have to admit it. All of us are not as emotionally charged as we used to be. We’re less of a collective wreck than we used to be. 

Dawn: Yeah, that’s true. There hasn’t been drama in a while. 

All: *nod in agreement* 

Me: *stares at everyone blankly*

Finny: *points to me* Is this Shan person okay? 

Me: You can just talk to me. 

Finny: *gasps, stares at the ceiling* 

Me: Uh… okay. 

Fierdan: I’m just so tired. 

Dawn: Shan, go to bed already. 

Fierdan: Like, where’s the passion? The motivation? Who am I without—

Jack: You’re my boyfriend, and I love you.

Me: *gasps* Romance! In this liminal space?

Stella: I know right. Anyway, go to bed. Listen to Mother Dawn. 

Me: *looks even more confused* Mother—

Dawn: Want me to make you my famous tea I forgot the flavor of? 

Me: Uh—

Dawn: Well, too bad. I can’t even do that now. 

Me: What? Why? 

Ryen: Liminal space. 

Fierdan: *stares blankly at Dawn, Stella, and me* I was going to say vengeance. 

Random Girl: You were going to say “anger” actually. 

Me: Who was that? Where’d she go? 

Fierdan: *startles* I didn’t know you were joining us, [redacted]! *sighs* I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that. 

Me: To what?

Redacted: Just appearing. Saying anything really. 

Me: Uh… okay. So what’s your name? 

Other Random Girl: You haven’t named us yet, so you’ll only hear our names as [redacted]. 

Me: Wait, what—

Random Girl: You’re not that good at deciding on names, Shan. 

Other Random Girl: *nods* Yeah, Shan really isn’t good at choosing names. 

Me: *looks to one and then the other* Wow, you two— Are you—

Jack: Twins? Yes. 

Other Random Girl: *rolls eyes and sighs* Yeah, me and [redacted] are twins. 

Me: Ah, I see. Okay.

Jack: *is suddenly behind the two girls, wraps his arms around their backs like an awkward group hug or something* They’re members of the cool kids group. *clears throat* I mean they also have psych-manipulation as powers. 

Random Girl: I don’t feel comfortable with all this attention on me. 

Jack: *takes large step away* Oh, right. I can’t believe I keep forgetting. 

Random Girl: It’s only natural. You’re just trying to introduce me to Shan. 

Me: Uh… *raises hand and waves* Hi. 

Random Girl and Other Random Girl: Hello. 

Ryen: *blinks slowly* Yeah, they tend to do that. 

Finny: *still staring at the ceiling* Yep. 

Fierdan: Well, it’s refreshing to not be the only one—

Stella: You make no sense. 

Fierdan: Yeah, I know. Being so hypervigilant and yet the twins startle me every time they appear.

Stella: Yeah, you should work on that. 

Other Random Girl: Well, with our— [redacted] and my— powers, it’s not that weird. We’re pretty much spies, so…

Me: Wait. Spies? 

Finny: Yeah. So crazy. 

Me: *nods, doesn’t know what else to say* 

Fierdan: Does this mean I’m not forgotten? That none of us are? At least not yet? 

Ryen: Ah great, I’ve turned you into another philosopher! 

Me: I can’t tell if that was sarcastic or not. 

Ryen: Neither could I. 

Me: Uh… okay then. So, uh, you and Fierdan? You get along now? 

Ryen: Well, kind of. Things got better. 

Fierdan: We don’t want to kill each other, so I’d call that a major improvement. 

Ryen: Yeah. We’re not at each other’s throats anymore. 

Me: *suddenly has tears in my eyes* That’s beautiful. Like, actually… wow. 

Ryen: Uh… yeah, sure. 

Fierdan: I mean, we both do find philosophy interesting. Because, you know… *gestures vaguely* 

Me: What? 

Fierdan: I’m tired and don’t have energy. Words are hard right now. 

Random Girl: Projecting. You’re projecting, Shan. 

Me: *sighs* Okay, okay. I’ll go to bed. 

Dawn: Even I knew you were projecting. 

Me: Okay, okay. Geez… 

Jack: *whispers to Fierdan* Are you really tired, or—

Fierdan: *steps away to talk to Jack privately* Tired. I have no drive. Not tonight. 

Random Girl: *snickers* 

Fierdan: Well, I’m glad I still exist. I don’t know my personality right now, but I know for sure we all still exist. Shan hasn’t forgotten us, so that’s worth celebrating. *remembers [redacted], turns to face her* Can you stop that?

Random Girl: It’s hard to turn my brain feature off. I can’t exactly drink either because… well, you know why. 

Fierdan: *sighs* Fine. 

Jack: *grabs Fierdan’s wrist* Come on, let’s head to my place.

Fierdan: *nods, follows Jack out of the liminal space bar* 

Dawn: Are we gonna go? I forgot why we all decided to stay here. 

Stella: *rolls eyes* Main character Fierdan syndrome. 

Dawn: No, I legit forgot. *gestures vaguely* 

Stella: Oh, shoot, sorry. 

Me: What just happened?

Dawn: I don’t know, but I think we should all go to sleep. Good night. 

Me: Fine, I’ll go to bed now. 

Stella: Finally! 

Me: Why are you so rude, Stella? 

Stella: *shrugs* You made me turn out this way. 

Dawn: Stop it. *yawns* This isn’t the time. 

Stella: Okay, fair. *looks at Finny* Are you okay, dude? 

Finny: *rubs eyes* Yeah, why? 

Stella: Well, you were staring at the ceiling for a while. 

Finny: Oh, right. No, I’m fine. I’m gonna head back to my place.

Stella: Oh, alright. Good night, Finn. 

Finny: Good night. *leaves* 

Me: *yawns* Good night, characters who changed while I was gone. 

——————————

mind: blank

Goodbye 2022

Wow, it’s already the end of the year. That’s crazy. 

2022… whew, what a year. 

I wasn’t here for most of it. lmao

So, uh, yeah. Happy New Year! 

Hoping 2023 will be better than 2022. At least for January. 

Eh, I doubt it tbh. I ain’t an optimist. 

Anyway—

Goodbye 2022! Hello 2023!

~ Shan / Shyrah / whatever my name is 

idk what this is nor why i’m writing it

So… it’s December. The winter/summer solstice happened. It’s officially winter now. Wow. 

It’s been yet another hot minute since I stepped in here. Made a post. So, uh, I’ll say “hi” to the void. Hi, void. Hello, world. 

I’ve gone through lots of changes lately. It’s almost 2023. That’s crazy. I have a part-time job, and I’ll be starting a Real Job (that’s also remote which I like) pretty soon. It might be the closest thing I ever had to a “dream job” I have to admit. 

I feel like we’ve all grown up. I never really counted myself as part of that, but yeah, I really have grown up. I’m starting, slowly but surely, to feel more like an actual adult. Barely, but now it’s way more than 1%. 

I’ve also been working on my Etsy shop. I put up two new listings a few hours ago. So… that’s something. 

I think it’s crazy that I keep remembering December 19th as being Duke’s/Fierdan’s birthdays. I swear, it’s become a date I just randomly remember, like how I remember the birthdays of the friends I lost or my former classmates that I haven’t been in contact with for years. Anyway, December 19th was a few days ago. It wasn’t a good day for me, if I’m being honest. Not all bad but… well, I had lots of frustrations and inconveniences that day. December 20th was much better. And today (December 21st) was just “meh”. 

About Fierdan, I remember I kept saying that I see him as a 22 year old but that he’s also always gonna be a few years older than me. And now it’s 2022 which means I’m 22, and… this all sounds so crazy. In my head, of course; this is probably irrelevant to anyone else. But recently, I started visualizing Fierdan as being my peer, my same age or very close to it, and… it doesn’t feel weird or creepy anymore. It just… is. 

Know what’s also crazy? I haven’t been obsessing over him or my other characters for a while now. As in a long time. I’m a bit afraid that I’ll forget them and everything I created involving them. It’s a pretty scary thought. Like, what if all of this is a phase and it’s ending soon? Yeah, uh, sorry about that. I’m not making sense, am I? 

What else, what else? … It’s Hanukkah. I sometimes daydream about Ryen saying “Happy Hanukkah” which feels absurd yet comforting to me. Don’t ask why; I don’t know. 

*rapidly changes topics again* Oh and I’m autistic. It’s a totally unsurprising confirmation of a surprise if I say so myself. Can’t understand that last sentence? Exactly. That’s the point. 

I’m not sure if I ever actually said it on the blog since I got my diagnosis, so there it is, out in the open. I feel like it probably explains a lot of my behavior and my obsessions in my blog posts over the years. Like, geez, no neurotypical blogger would blog like this (*gestures vaguely at my whole blog lmao*). 

Also, confession time: I lost the number of times that I felt scared of checking anything having to do with this blog. Another unsurprising surprise. I can’t believe I felt so much shame, embarrassment, and fear over this very small corner of the internet that I created for myself. And for what? Why did I let this happen and not do anything about it for so long? 

To anyone who commented anywhere on this blog in 2021 and 2022 and never received any acknowledgment from me… I’m sorry. I kept running and hiding away from here. I refused to see you. But now I do. I see you. 

… I have no idea what I’m even writing tbh; just go with it. 

This has to be both and equally the best and worst thing I’ve ever created. What exactly? All of this. Everything. 

Etsy Shop and related accounts added

Hey, I'm here just to say I finally added the links to my Etsy shop and the social media accounts I created for it (trying to do some promoting lol ahh-) to my Contact Me page. 

Now they're all on one place on this here blog. Yay! :)

And of course, here is the link to the page: https://shyrahwritingspace.blogspot.com/p/contact-me.html 

Ok so yeah. There it is. 

I'll end this post with some pictures from my shop to make it more interesting or whatever. I'm selling these items. Yes, yes. :D

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** All products listed here belong to me (Shan, Shyrah, @spiritixswart). **

Lights in the Dark (poem)

Well, here is the poem I referred to in the last post. It’s a hopeful poem about creativity. Hope you enjoy it. Something positive~ <3 

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Lights in the Dark

Ideas emerge like random sparks of light

in the abyss of my creative soul.

The void— the emptiness, the darkness stretching for what seemed like infinity— felt like home to me;

that it was all I would and ever be.

Yet brief flashes of light have recently returned,

shining brightly in the dark.

Inspiration, motivation, creativity— I thought these lights burned out long ago,

never to flicker on again.

And somehow, the lights are turning on again.

Brief flashes at first, random sparks in the dark, 

slowly gaining confidence and glowing brightly for longer as the days pass by. 

I don’t know for certain, but I think it is possible 

for my heart to feel less heavy,

and for my soul to light again. 

——————————————

Alrighty! That’s my new poem. :D 

~ Shan/Shyrah 

Already October 20-something

Dang. It’s already October 20-something. Huh.

Well, I’ve been busy. Preoccupied with other things, anyhow. Been working on my Etsy shop. Created new items, came up with new ideas, packed and shipped my first few orders (to family members), etc. I also started a new in-person job this month. Started working there at the beginning of the month, so it’s been a few weeks now. I’m not as anxious about work as I used to be, though the anxiety hasn’t fully gone away and I doubt it ever will. It just be like that. So yeah. Life stuff. Trying to earn money. Takes a while. So, that’s what’s up in my life lately. 

Hmm, what else… 

Oh, right. I plan on adding the links to my Etsy shop and the Instagram account I made for it to the Contact Me page. I forgot to update it sooner. I’ll get to it. 

(I’ve been more active on my personal Instagram account this year. I don’t feel like sharing it publicly since it’s my personal, real-life account. All that stuff. But if we’ve been online friends for several years at this point, then I don’t really care if we become friends/mutuals/followers on there too. I’m fine with that. It’s chill.) 

What else, what else…

Well, my family and I went on a short weekend vacation earlier this month. The second weekend in October. I have lots of cool and spooky pictures I could share. Lots and lots of pumpkins. The pumpkin carvers are very talented. 

About pumpkins, I’m currently in the process of making my own pumpkin clay pins. Yeah. I learned how to make clay pins. I got the materials for them. So far, I finished making clay pins of ghosts and skulls. I think they’re a little cute and spooky. They’re decent for my first time doing this thing. 

About creativity, I recently wrote a poem about it. It might be a shock to read, but it’s true— I have lots of art ideas. I have things I want to draw. I want to try to design my first zine. Like, I’m pretty excited about everything. I’m inspired and motivated to work on art. I’m not used to feeling like this. This is new. 

I’ll make a post with the new poem later. Not now. Later. Some time in the distant future. Ok, ok. 

*hesitates on whether to write about something else* hmm, hmm, hhhhhhh mmmmmm 

……. hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Ok, I just have to say. Since early this month, I’ve been having quite a number (several in fact) of dreams that have Fierdan in them. Yes, him, he’s back in my dreams. And of course, they’re not all pleasant. I’ve also had a few dreams with Duke, Ryen, Jack, and Dylan in them this month. It’s October, and the boys are back. 

(Ok but really. It can’t be that surprising that Fierdan is on my mind again. Come on now.) 

I don’t remember the details in the majority of these dreams, as unfortunate as that may be. (Some of the dreams were disturbing, so maybe that’s fortunate. idk lmao) 

:-) he— 

Well, I’m getting sleepy but probably won’t sleep for another hour or so. Good night. Good timezone to us all. 

~ Shan / Shyrah / the fool in the cat’s pajamas (it’s really me!) 

My New Etsy Shop !!

Hi, I'm back. I haven't been checking here as much since my last post. I've been busy with other things, such as...

... making my Etsy shop public and making my first few shop listings.

(I did it! Yay! :D)

Here is the link: https://www.etsy.com/shop/SpiritixswArt

Please check it out. I am Knowable. I am Known. I Exist. Please look. Thanks so much. 

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Well, I have to leave now. But first, here is the picture I made for my shop profile. I think my handwriting looks decent. I made it using my Copic markers and a Sharpie. 

~ Shan/Shyrah 

<3 <3 <3