oops ahh :-}

Sorry, sorry! 

I thought I would make more posts earlier. But then I got distracted with Life. And and and........... idk. 

Well. I had a long essay due on Monday. Started working on a project on Tuesday. Went home for Thanksgiving break on Wednesday. Thanksgiving was Thursday. 

And now it’s Friday. Black Friday. ...... yeet! 

I’m home now. I got to see my pets again. Very good. Uh......... :3 

There’s new couches and flooring in the family room. It looks very nice. I like it. 

I had disturbing dreams that frightened me and made me feel weird. I know I did. But I can’t remember what happened in them now. 

I’m typing this so fast. Wow. 

I feel weird. My body feels weird. 

[cw: depression, suicidal/suicide]

.........,,,,,,,,,,,.........,,,... I hate how my sister is starting to give off that Vibe that she Knows Better and knows Everything about how to Help people with some disabilities (something something they need occupational therapy for) and Mental Illnesses. I don’t know how to put my feelings into words. So uh..... great :}! And how my family was all in shock like “whAT?!?!” or “haha that’s a red flag, what a freak. hahaha” when something something topic about someone reaching out to my sister and something about about reaching out for help and person is suicidal. Like ~ghost noises~ “someone is suicidal! what’s that?? scary!! I feel nauseous now!” was how my family reacted to hearing my sister’s story. Like. Really. Hearing that someone is suicidal made some of my family. Nauseous. What the hell. What. The. Hell. I’m. I really don’t know. And I’m like. Right there. At least my sister didn’t tell the suicidal person “Think positive!” or “Just be happy!” or any of that bs. But idk guys. She really gave off that Vibe that she knows more about Depression than the rest of the family. And how to deal with someone who’s suicidal and knows more about what it’s like to be suicidal. Than the rest of the family. Than me. Me! I’m right there. And she thinks I know nothing. I’m stupid and oblivious. Mental health who?? I’ve never heard of That, apparently!! I’m just. I can’t. She lowkey reminds me of psych majors who think they know better than people who are mentally ill. Like. Really?! Newsflash: I have depression. I’ve had symptoms of depression for a long time now, and I know more about it than someone learning about it in a classroom a few months (if even for that long) ago. I know what it’s like to feel suicidal. I’ve been suicidal every single day for months. At a time. Stop thinking being suicidal is so taboo. I’m right there. If I wasn’t so tired and deep into a depressive episode this past summer, there was a high chance I would’ve (poorly lol) attempted suicide. I’ve been at my breaking point so many damn times already. I’m depressed. So stop thinking and talking about that stuff like it’s so taboo and no one in the family could’ve possibly ever been suicidal. The only reason I probably didn’t attempt so far was because I started going to therapy and I take medication now. That’s probably it. Because I thought about killing myself most days this summer. I’m sorry. But like. If I actually did go attempting, would my family still think of suicide and being suicidal the same way they did yesterday? I really don’t know. I don’t want to know. Stop thinking you know more about my own mental health than I do! Stop making a joke about people who are suicidal! Stop assuming no one in the immediate family knows what being suicidal is like! Stop believing I can’t ever have bad days or else I’m giving in to my depression! Stop it!! 

...... I made that look illegible on purpose. Ignore me. Or read it. Whatever. I don’t care. 

I’m tired. Bye.