let’s talk dream interpretations

... and sad tunes.

Hi folks. I feel like making a post now.

I’m going to list the interpretations of the common themes in my dreams.

Using....... http://m.dreammoods.com/site/dreammoods#2843

Why? Well you see... I’m bored.

So yeah. Let’s start talking about the dream interpretations of the common themes in my dreams.

(I was very angry in the dream I had this morning. oh-)

——————————————

• Anger:

To dream that you are holding or expressing anger symbolizes frustrations and disappointments in your Self. You tend to repress your negative emotions or project your anger  onto others. You need to look within yourself.

Being angry in your dream may have been carried over from your waking life. Dreams function as a safe outlet where you can express your strong and/or negative emotions. You are suppressing your anger and aggression, instead of consciously acknowledging them.

• Absence:
To dream that someone is absent, especially if you expect to find them, suggests that you are looking for something that is already lost to you. Alternatively, you may be looking to fill a void in your life. Something is missing from your life. 

• (this one was only in one dream so far, but-)
• Umbilical Cord:
To see an umbilical cord in your dream represents your lack of individuality. You may be expressing some anxiety about being on your own and supporting yourself. 

• Unprepared: 

To dream that you are unprepared for something indicates that you are experiencing anxiety and fear over an upcoming task or event in your waking life. Such dreams depict your lack of self confidence and self-esteem. You are afraid that you will not meet others' expectations of you.

• Coffin:
To dream of seeing a body or dream of seeing yourself in a coffin suggests that you are going through a period of depression. You are feeling confined, restricted and lacking personal freedom. There may be a dead or decaying situation or issue in your life that you need to address. It is time to end this situation or relationship.
(“seeing yourself”)

• Sad: 

To dream that you are sad suggests that you need to learn from your disappointments and just be happy. Try not to dwell on the negative. The dream may be a reflection of how you are feeling in your waking life. 

• Anxiety:

To experience anxiety in your dream is a reflection of what you may be feeling during your waking life. You may have repressed thoughts,  unexpressed emotions, resentment, or hostility that are triggering your anxiety dream. This dream also suggests that you are taking on too many responsibilities.

• Jealousy:

To dream that you are jealous of another person signifies that such feelings may be carried over from your waking life. The dream may reveal your subconscious feelings of jealousy toward that particular person. Alternatively, to dream of jealousy represents your vulnerability and your fear of intimacy. You need to work on self-love and on acknowledging your self-worth.

• Depression:

To feel depressed in your dream refers to your inability to make connections. You are unable to see the causes of your problems and consequences of your decisions. People who are depressed in their waking life often have dreams about being depressed.  Pay attention to what is depressing you in your dream and see how it relates to your waking life.

(yikes)

I know this is stupid, but whatever. Now onto the sad tunes. I mean songs.

My summer theme song:

summer depression~ girl in red 

all the kids are depressed~ Jeremy Zucker 

Nightmares~ Easy Life 

wake me when it’s over~ Vorsa 

Sad Forever~ Lauv 

Nobody~ Mitski

:( 

pics of me

ya yeet

Applestorm wanted me to post pictures of myself with my fairly new haircut. So uh, here you go.

I’m always tired and I have acne now, so the pictures are from Snapchat. They help hide my physical ugliness and severe summertime sadness just a little.

ha ha ha ,,,

Since I’m uncomfortable with the first picture being a picture of my face, have this random picture as the first one.

https://inspirobot.me/

Now onto the pictures of the person behind the blog. 

(yeehaw~~) 

*suddenly remembers something irrelevant*

omg it’s been a year since my college orientation. it happened an entire year ago now. well, the first day of it.

....... anyway.

it be me.

—————————————-

This is from the day I went to the beach. Oops, it has a location on it. What is this? Cutepups giving out the location of the beach they went to? wait, “they”?? who is this fool?! 

idk why but i always look sad whenever i take selfies outside lol 

As you can see, my hair is shorter than it was before. Stay till the end of the post for proof. 

Now these next ones have Snapchat filters to cover my face because my acne got worse, and I just look more gross and sad in general. I took them today. 

My hair’s starting to curl up, even though I didn’t get it wet. I blame the hot weather. But I’ve been inside all day. :/. The curly part of my hair in this pic is from my hair in the back. Just look at the straight hair in the front on my right side. That’s how long my hair is when it’s straight. 

Haha, look guys. It’s me, Cutepups. Here you can see the difference between my hair curling up on one side and staying straight for the most part on the other. It might be hard to tell, but my hair now ends above my shoulders even when it’s straight. And when it’s fully curly, it’s gonna be shorter. 

And here are comparison pictures or something like that. 

I think I took this in April. As you can see, my curly hair went past my shoulders. Haha, I’m kinda dressed up in that pic. 

This is a zoomed-in version of a picture from the night I got initiated into my college’s APO and got my “fracket” (fraternity jacket). I think I said at least once on here that I have a new name, Starlight. Well, here it is. The jacket says Starlight on it because it’s my name. I’m in the Eta (H) class, spring 2019. That’s what it says on the jacket’s right shoulder. My hair looks like such a mess though. Oh well. 

There you go. That’s my face. That’s my hair. 

Ok bye. 

explaining but not really

Uh.. hi. 

I’m going to be explaining things but actually not really. So yeah.

I’m much more active on my tumblr than on here these days. You can find a link to mine somewhere on the blog. It’s really not that hard to find, haha.

So umm. Yeah. 

Less than an hour ago, I looked at my clock (not my phone) and believed it to be 11:30 something. Then I thought “huh, it’s early” because I was about to turn off the lights and go into bed, under the covers. 

But I also had the vague idea that I saw the time on the clock say 12 something (past midnight) what also seems like a while ago. 

Anyway, time is confusing, and I’m maybe a little time blind I guess. It took me a few minutes to read the time correctly and realize it was actually a little past 1:30. 

Yeah, whatever, misreading 11 for 1, no big deal. But I genuinely thought I was going to bed with the lights off early (anything before midnight is early to me) when it was actually nearly 2 am. I completely had the memory of checking the time and seeing it say 12 something slip my mind. 

I thought that was peculiar. Not a very interesting story, but oh well. There you go. 

Oh wait. I wanted to explain something. That’s right. 

Well, I’m alive. Barely. At least it feels that way. 

blahblahblahblahblahblah

I don’t plan out and write posts in advance. My blogging style, I guess, is writing on impulse. What I write is how I feel in the moment when I’m writing it. 

Like right now, I’m not fully thinking through what I’m typing. My mind feels empty, and it’s hard for me to really talk with any amount of quality these days. So uh. Huh. 

I don’t filter what I say on here. What comes out, comes out. 

(what am i even saying? wtf) 

If it’s not already overwhelmingly obvious, I felt mad and overall like a piece of shit when I impulsively typed out the last post. 

I didn’t read it over and wait for my emotions to pass by, so the result is whatever the hell I wrote in that post. 

I’m not reading over what I’m saying here now either.

I guess you can say my blogging writing style as being a raw, no filter, stream of consciousness type of thing. 

............ I forgot what else I wanted to say. Ah shit.. 

I’m on tumblr more often (because I’m pretty much a piece of shit who hates myself). 

*shrugs* idk 

I’ve been stuck on how to actually like talk to people lately. Like.. it’s really hard to? It sucks. I hate being like this. 

Serious topics. It’s so hard for me to reply decently in conversations or even reply at all. 

Talking is hard. Heck, texting is hard. Communicating is hard. 

Most of the times it’s because of all that for why I take so long to reply to your comments. 

(I seriously can’t even fully think right now, so who knows why I’m making this post.) 

Uh. I’m still alive. Ok. 

Bye guys.

sh it

I don’t care about the title of this post. Ok so deal with it. 

I’ve been debating whether or not to create a post now or not, but I can’t sleep and I can’t talk to anyone right now, so here I am. 

(I write “now” way too much; I hate myself.) 

Hi, my name is Shan, and I want to DIE. :-} 

...... I feel like total shit again, so that’s great. Life sure is great. :^) 

me: starts to feel better 

life: happens 

depressed and suicidal feelings: come back 

me: fucking hell 

oh oh oh but wait! 

My grandma somehow got all of us tickets for that broadway play, so I can’t die yet. 

oh darn. ah geez. fine. fine!! i’ll keep living, i guess. 

.............. goddamnit.

My self-esteem is so low that I think my cousins that are younger than me are way better than me (I’m including baby cousins too) and I wasn’t and still am not good enough for anyone in this goddamn fucking family. fuck fuck fuck,,,, I really have no self-esteem. 

it makes me feel so sick that virtually everyone in my family is better than me. it doesn’t matter what. it’s everything. i’m never good enough. i’m an afterthought. no one likes me. no one wants to talk / talks to me. the baby cousins are doing a ton more of good stuff than what i was doing at their age. 

It’s Fact. Don’t come by and say some bs like it’s the depression talking or whatever the fuck. it’s fact that i’m never good enough, people don’t remember me like they do everyone else (including my siblings which makes me want to rip my skin off), and everyone is good at something while i was/am goddamn awful at it. 

I’m so tired and repulsed and I want to die so fucking badly. like,, holy shit?? everyone hates me!! why the FUCK am i still alive if no one cares??!!?!

and and and and and and and

I can’t even go to my doctor or another one until the end of August. so basically I wasted another summer. 

I REALLY HAVE TO DIE. FUCK THIS SHIT FUCK THIS SHIT FUCK THIS SHIT 

hahahahahahaha,,, I guess the possibility of me getting professional help for my shitty mental health before heading back to college can’t happen. 

I can’t even do anything. 

fuck it all, fuck everything. 

I don’t even have the basic amount of motivation and energy to even work a regular job. I’m so fucking tired of applying to jobs and not hearing back from any of them (and the ones I did hear back from soon became disinterested in me). 

job this, job that..... only ask me about getting a job. that and college. talking about those things make me want to kill myself. 

(wow, i’m suicidal. what else is new) 

oh and now i’m pretty sure i’m (irl) romance repulsed, which makes me hate life even more. romance is everywhere. just about everyone i know irl assuming i’m cishet. assuming i’m like them. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it!!! i’m not that!!!!!!!!! 

and knowing not everyone in my family would be supportive of my identity if I ever come out just kills me. (not in the good way)

gggggooooodddddddd

I swear I’m like a ghost. People don’t even notice me until it’s beneficial for them to. 

and to put the icing on the cake.......

My sister has 2 birthday cakes. She can’t take them back with her, apparently. 

My mom remembered to get her a cake when she wasn’t even home yet. 

And yet when I’ve been home for a few days, you still forgot to get me a cake for my birthday? 

(oh hmm. hmmmm)

I bet to an outsider, this sounds so stupid and petty. but like, you guys don’t know how annoying and in-my-face my mom is about it. 

Like I get it, mom!! Sister has two birthday cakes now! What are we gonna do with all this cake?! 

She brought up birthday cake so many times, if I think of keeping count I think I’ll lose my goddamn mind. 

You remember to get cake for everyone else in the family, but not me. I guess I don’t count. I’m not good enough to deserve a birthday cake, I guess. 

SHE WASN’T EVEN HOME YET, BUT YOU STILL REMEMBERED IT WAS HER BIRTHDAY. MEANWHILE I WAS HOME A FEW DAYS BEFORE MINE, AND YOU FORGOT ABOUT MINE. THAT’S NOT ALL. YOU’RE OBSESSED ABOUT GETTING HER GIFTS YET I STILL DIDN’T GET A GIFT FROM YOU FOR MY BIRTHDAY. YOU ARE LITERALLY ENFORCING THAT DEPRESSING THOUGHT CYCLE I HAVE THAT I DON’T DESERVE GOOD THINGS. OR ANY THING FOR THAT MATTER. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

“Is this what you call a family? Is this what you call a family? Is this what you call a family? Is this what you call a family? Is this what you call a family? Is this what you call a family? Is this what you call a family? Is this what you call a FAMILY? FAMILY!” - a trophy fathers trophy son by sws 

but i’m still one of the lucky ones, right? 

*the trigger to the imaginary gun in my head is pulled* 

what’s up / what’s new

Hey guys. What’s up? 

It’s been a few days since I checked here. Well, I’m back now. Yes. 

Anyway, I’m here to talk about a few things. 

————————— 

I’ve been playing around on Picrew a lot these past few weeks. In addition to the pictures I posted, I’ve been trying to make avatars of myself and/or my characters with avatar makers I didn’t post about. But I didn’t save any of those pictures since I don’t like them that much. 

So yeah. Basically, I’ve been using Picrew a lot. 

I don’t like any of the ones I’m finding that I haven’t used and posted pictures from already. 

I’m not sure if I’ll post more Picrew. Maybe I will since I’m lowkey getting obsessed with them, who knows, pfft. 

-x-x- 

I think by now you guys know that I posted about my mental health a lot. 

But then I realized something. 

Even if I didn’t make posts about that type of content, I think I’ll still keep my support page up. 

I recently clicked on some of the links I haven’t checked in at least a year. And wow, I like going to those websites. They’re so good. I like them a lot. 

Yes! :) 

I also added more games to the interactive page. 

Woo! Games! Yay! :D 

....... oh, that’s right. I wanted to talk about that, too. 

I also think it’s a good idea for me to have mental health related pages on here because of my story with the characters and conflicts and all that stuff. 

There’s so much distressing stuff in my cursed story, and the majority of my characters aren’t exactly mentally healthy. 

So, I guess, those pages can count as places of comfort. They link to content that I find comforting. Uh.. ok. 

-x-x- 

Ok so. My sister came home a few days ago. Her birthday was yesterday, so that’s why. 

We (my family, I mean) went to the beach yesterday. That was nice. 

The day before that, I got a haircut. 

Anyway, my point is... 

My hair is a lot shorter. It’s not pixie cut short, but it doesn’t reach down to my shoulders now. 

Somewhat new hair style? Mm.. perhaps. 

And my hair got straightened, so it’s a little longer now than what it’ll look like when it’s curly. 

me: rambling about my hair yet again 

you guys: uh.. ok.... 

-x-x- 

So, you know how my online nicknames have pretty much always been words. 

Ahem: 

• Cutepups (cute + pups = cutepups) 

• Blue 

• Ghost

• Spirit 

Anyway, I’ve been thinking...

For a nickname that’s basically not just another word, I’m thinking of going by Shan. 

It’s my real name shortened too, haha. 

I’m beginning to like how that looks and sounds. 

me: hey, call me shan in addition to cutepups. ’kthxbye 

(Plus, “Shan” sounds pretty gender-neutral to me, which I like quite a bit.) 

~ Shan 

(haha nice) 

-x-x- 

 

That’s all I really wanted to cover in this post. 

I’m going to my kid cousin’s birthday party later. 

well, uh, ok. 

Until the next post- bye. 

You're Such A Doll!

Hi, have another Picrew post.

These are from two or three days ago, depending on when I'll finish this post.

So without further ado, here's the generator I used: https://picrew.me/image_maker/2521

Note: It's called flower doll. I think that the avatars are supposed to be dolls. I'm pretty sure that the designs are only supposed to be for girls, but I didn't just design my female characters on it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's Dawn. I felt like designing her based on when she was a little girl. She was kind of like the equivalent of a fragile, nearly broken porcelain doll during her childhood. Especially during the time she "lived" with Z when he was "supposed to" be a "father figure" to her in addition to his sons. I wanted to change things up a little, so I decided to design her with her hair up like that. There are only two skin tones on this avatar maker, and this one is so pale. I imagine Dawn looking pale and almost ghost-like when she lived with Z; perhaps like a doll.

Here's Fauna. I feel like using this avatar maker fit her very well. I added angel wings and a halo to her look for those angelic vibes I get from her. I actually don't think of her being an angel like I did in the past, but I feel like she would be interested in them and dressing up to look like one.

Here's Twinkle. I felt like designing her when her hair was the length it was for the majority of story 1. I like when her hair looked like this, haha. The strands of her original hair color don't look too awkward here, and I like that. As you can see by looking at her knees, this is a doll maker. The reason Dawn and Fauna don't have visible doll knees is because they're wearing tights. 

Here's J___. I love how he looks in this one; it looks like something he would love to wear. I also finally got around to designing his hair how I picture it (dyed black with the front/bangs dyed silver that fades into white). I made himself dress up as a devil with the horns, wings, and tail because I just had to have one of my characters dressed up with those items on. The marks under his eyes look pretty similar to the ones I imagine him having. If you think he looks vaguely like someone in a circus or the human equivalent of the joker card in a deck of cards, then good! That's very good! One of his nicknames is Jinx because he might have the power to jinx people, and he's pretty much a jokester and trickster. The joker card is his favorite type of card in a deck of cards because he feels like he can relate to them. Not sure how though. You'll have to ask him.

Who is this? A boy or a girl? What do you think? 

..........

...............

.....................

This one is Pre-Fierdan, who I also refer to as Kid Danny. The marks that look like black scratches on his face are supposed to symbolize him being broken and having died a long time ago (dang, that's sad). But hey, he's happy here at least. When he would hang out Dawn, they would do some stereotypically girly activities. He wasn't very typically masculine for the majority of the first decade he's been alive. In this avatar, he's wearing mascara, eyeliner (is it okay for a little kid to wear that though? that's another question..), a flower crown (probably from the garden he spends a lot of time in with Dawn), a long-sleeved blouse, and a skort (I tried to design it so it looks like one). By skort, I mean a skirt with a pair of shorts inside/underneath it. He likes flowers, so I settled on the blouse with the flowers for him. When he was Kid Danny, he didn't really have any problems with dressing up femininely. But he would hate it when his father scolded and insulted him based on his personality, interests, and appearance. He's not a girl, he's a boy.

And this one is that same boy, now older. Everything about him has turned 180. He's pretty much the opposite of how he was as Kid Danny. Here, he's in his teens, at the time when his heart became corrupt and his mind completely manipulated by outside forces beyond his control. It's also when he was a victim of the most amount of trauma and abuse in his life. Yeah, he's had it pretty rough. Fierdan was a true edgelord in his teens. I decided on making him wear the outfit (with the accessories too) he wore on the day he violently killed Z when he finally came to visit his son. As a reminder, Fierdan killed his own father. As a teenager. Yeah ok so that happened. He wore all black from head to toe. All the shoes look formal and girly, so these were the best I could find for him. He also had on black gloves and a mask to cover his nose and mouth. You know, you have to dress up real nice when you decide to kill your father.. well, that's Fierdan's logic at least. I think he also wore a black cloak with a hood that he could use to cover his head and take off with ease, but I couldn't find a cloak in this avatar maker. Just imagine Fierdan as a very angry, homicidal (and secretly very suicidal) teenager dressed up in black from head to toe with the only other color being his brown eyes with such an intense look that threaten you all on their own. That sounds pretty terrifying, if you ask me. Wait, actually I imagine there being some purple in his outfit, too.. such as where the purple is in this design. He also got a sword somehow, so that's why he has one. Fierdan mainly used his deadly black fire to kill Z (yeah, he has fire powers in case anyone forgot since I haven't brought that up in what seems like forever), but his sword also played a role in killing Z (like making sure he's very, very dead). What a pleasant boy! Hahahahahaha ahh!! 

And that's all of them. Thanks for reading all about my cursed characters! :-)

midnight music time

Hi, I feel like making a post where I just spam videos of songs I like.

It's midnight where I am right now.

This means it's midnight music time.

So yeah. That's cool.

Uh..........

Bye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪

Quarter Past Midnight~ Bastille

Doom Days~ Bastille

Youth~ I See Stars (cover)

(this song reminds me of all of my main characters for some reason. it's the pain,, not the original either-)

We Never Asked For This~ Crywolf

Nobody Can Save Me~ Linkin Park

(sorry ;; )

Ghost of You (Acoustic)~ Sad Heroes 

I Can't Save the World If I'm Not Happy~ Eliza Grace

(I can imagine Twinkle singing this song; it reminds me of her so much...)

A Trophy Fathers Trophy Son~ Sleeping With Sirens

("is this what you call a family? is this what you call a family? is this what you call a family?")

Leave It All Behind~ Sleeping With Sirens

MZRY~ Crown The Empire

[it's 1 am now, but who really cares? lol]

The Other Side~ LEAV/E/ARTH 

Otherside~ Post Malone

Shameless~ Colorblind

(this song reminds me of Duke and Fierdan a little..)

Goodbye~ WVNDER 

(. . . . .)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's it for this music spam! 

Yes, they're all in my character music playlists. *cough, cough*

............... *rips my hair out* ok-

BYE