Dreaming of Danger, Black Eyes, and Black Dresses

Hi, I’m here to discuss my most recent dream that I can still recall. I had it very early this morning. 

It’s interesting. And it kinda-sorta-maybe is a good transition into the topic of my next few posts. 

What’s the topic? Well, here’s the thing... *whispers in your ear* I did not forget him. He will never be forgotten. 

*takes a deep breath* I haven’t been writing any posts about him (or any of them, really) for what feels like months. Months! Can you believe it? It’s been months! 

I thought I lost the spark. I thought I had lost interest. I barely mentioned them lately. I even stopped thinking of him for entire days. I stopped daydreaming about him. 

And yes, I’m that obsessed with him. Is anyone new here? Welcome! Here’s the thing, folks. 

He’s back. Oh, he is back. 

I have some inspiration again. And it’s thanks to this app called Episode and this particular story I found on it. It’s my favorite story on the app by far. 

It fits so well. Sometimes I think it’s reading my mind. The similarities are shocking. Of course not everything is the same (it’s far from it), but it gave me inspiration. It made me think of him again. 

Sure, I decided to name the main character of the story after him. But I had no idea it would match him so well. 

Ah, screw it. I’m tired of being vague. I’m talking about him. I’m talking about Fierdan. 

Fierdan...~~ 

——————————

The Dream:

I don’t remember much from the beginning of it because I think it was boring. My hair looked longer in my dream than how it looks now. I looked feminine. My face, my body.. my voice. So, obviously, girly. 

My life was boring. I was at a college. No, not the one I really go to. Anyway, I was in a rush and forgot to bring my phone with me when I ran to my classes from what I assume must have been my dorm room. 

I don’t remember anything else from that part. After class, I joined my club for a meeting in a room in the student center. It was boring and we discussed something, which I forgot. 

Then I tried to get something to eat for lunch. Except for some reason I couldn’t..? Strange. 

I eventually stole food from the cafeteria, which made me feel guilty afterwards. 

Some time later, I’m back in my dorm. I’m alone in a dorm in my dreams this time. I’ve had a lot of dreams about dorms. What the heck. 

And then it’s the weekend. I guess? I’m never sure what day or time it is in my dreams. There’s no class. Yay. 

I meet my family (my parents and siblings) at this fancy-looking restaurant inside of a mall I don’t recall. The next thing I know is having dinner at the restaurant with my family. 

I look at the menu. I see three things I could eat: wontons, ramen soup, or this special sandwich. 

My mom is at the opposite end of the table. She orders the special sandwich. The waitress explains what is in the special sandwich. I was expecting it to be barbecue chicken or teriyaki chicken, but it was neither. The special sandwich was actually something gross. I couldn’t eat that! No way! 

I was the second to last to order. I wanted to order the sandwich too, but now I didn’t want it, so I was stuck on what to order. I first went with the ramen. The waitress told me they ran out of that. I then told her I wanted the wontons. She told me they also ran out of that. I was frustrated. I gave up and told her I was still deciding on what to get. Then my sister ordered her food. 

I don’t remember any transition. The next thing I know is I stormed out of the restaurant. I might’ve yelled some swear words at my family. Or maybe it was just my dad. I don’t know, haha. 

I go to my house. I unlock the door.. and break it. I wreck a lot of things. No, this isn’t my real house. It was a different looking house, plus my pets weren’t there. 

Something in me changed. I go upstairs, and my mind gets foggy. I black out. 

Some time passes, and my consciousness slowly returns. I feel like I’m in a haze. 

(Am I using past or present tense? I don’t know anymore.) 

I’m not in control of my body anymore. It’s moving, but I don’t know where. It’s talking, but it’s not with my voice. I never heard this voice before. 

It’s a much lower pitched voice than mine. It’s a gorgeous voice. It sounds smooth yet sharp; soft but hostile. It has to be a male’s voice. A man is talking through my body. I’m being possessed. I just let it happen. 

Eventually, I have control of my body again. I see myself standing in front of a bathroom mirror. It’s just me and the mirror. And then I notice it. However, it’s with my right eye. 

The iris of my left eye didn’t change. It’s still the same shade of brown. I can’t say the same for my right eye. The iris of my right eye is black. Even though it’s now black, the iris can still be distinguished from the pupil. I don’t know how else to explain it. My eye didn’t hurt. It was just black now. Oh, you thought I was going to say I got hit in the eye and got a black eye that way? Haha, nope. 

Then I noticed the intricate pattern surrounding my right eye. I stared at my reflection in the mirror in awe. The pattern was beautiful and terrifying. I don’t know why it was scary; it just was. It’s hard to describe what it looked like, but I’ll try. It looked like someone used black ink to draw a pattern around my eye. It looked beautiful. 

Three curved lines over my eye, between my upper eyelid and eyebrow. All those lines ended in big dots, kind of like these • things. Slightly below my lower eyelid, three equally curved lines going in the opposite direction as the three on top. The bottom three lines ended in arrows, kind of like <— but they looked beautiful. Everything about the design was beautiful, but there was something else to it. To the right side of my eye was an intricate web-like design. Like a spider web. It covered the majority of the upper right side of my face. Well, it went around my eye and lower forehead at least. 

My mind went foggy again, but I didn’t fully black out. I grinned, to my surprise. I wasn’t controlling my actions. He was. I think he complimented my appearance or something. His voice made me want to shiver or melt. That’s what his voice does to people when he wants to be intimidating. He sounded satisfied but hostile at the same time. 

Something in me changed. I felt stronger. I felt powerful. And I felt.. angry. So, so very angry. It was as if part of his anger mixed into my own mixing pot of emotions. Why did I feel so angry? I felt angry at the world. I wanted to do violent things. I wanted to destroy everything. I wanted to tear everything apart. I wanted to kill everything I could find in this forsaken house. 

I don’t know when I made the association. Maybe it was when I first saw my new-looking eye. Maybe it was when I heard his voice again. Or maybe it was when I could easily break furniture and the stairs. 

The voice never told me his name. Yet my mind came up with a name for him. I stared at my black eye and the design surrounding it. It could only be him. Fierdan. It was Fierdan. He took control of my body. He made me stronger, powerful, and he made me be furious at the unforgiving world. 

Mostly everything was broken in the house when my family came home after eating at that restaurant. I couldn’t feel Fierdan in my body or mind, but I knew he was still there. Maybe we merged together or something. I became a new person. 

I yelled swear words at my family. I attacked them with weapons I made out of the broken furniture. I was stronger than them. They were beneath me now. 

I don’t know what the aftermath of that was. The next thing I remember is it being a few days later. Ever since my family returned to the house, I had Fierdan’s voice. I was the one speaking but it was with his voice, not my own. 

Time passes. I’m back at college. I’m in my dorm. I rush out the door because I’m running late for a class. I have my phone and everything else I need with me this time.

I speak with my own voice again, but I feel confident and.. arrogant? My personality changed ever since Fierdan became a part of me. Not as a different person or character; we were part of each other now in the vessel of my body. 

Later that same afternoon or evening, I remember this party my club was having in one of the student center rooms. I look up to where that room is and see the club members (well, the girls) wearing short black dresses with short black sleeves. Oh no, I totally forgot about that! We all had to wear our black dresses! I didn’t bring mine with me. I was just wearing ordinary clothes: a white T-shirt or tank top and jeans. 

I checked my phone. I lost points for forgetting to wear my black dress. Since I don’t want to lose points, I meet my fellow club members at the party. I’m very late to the party, but none of them become that upset with me for being late or for not wearing the black dress. 

I don’t know if they notice my right eye. No one tells me. 

And that’s my dream. I hope I wrote it out to make it sound like a story. 

How exciting... 

The End 

Dear Anxiety: December 12 Poem

This is my poem for December 12th in that poetry challenge I mentioned. 12/12. 

I think I’ll go with it having this title. It fits. 

The prompt: personifying something and talking back to it. 

In my poetry class at college, I wrote a poem called “Anxiety” before I wrote this one. 

Unlike that poem I wrote for class, this one is more of a power poem. 

Power. 

Giving power back to you. 

You are strong. You are capable. You are powerful. 

I have so much more to say, but I’m making this post exclusively about my poetry. 

Since I’m copying and pasting my poems from my Notes app, I decided to change the font for the actual poem. It makes them stand out more. 

Without further ado, here’s the poem! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Anxiety 

Anxiety—

You cruel and greedy beast,

never satisfied, only wanting more and more.

You're so greedy that you took my life away from me.

You take the appearance of a caring friend,

a friend who only wants the best for me.

Then you stab me in the back and in my chest,

and you call it Love.

Deceptive, manipulative, distorting my reality,

I can't tell the truth from the irrational because of you.

You and your twin, Depression, are the worst abusers

that I've unfortunately gotten to know all too well.

You two took my life away for your own personal gain.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you and

I will defeat you.

At least I can trust Fear, unlike you,

who took advantage of us.

I thought we were friends, that I could trust you,

but you filled me with irrational fears

with no real reasons behind them.

Your pet, Dread, is a parasite who burrowed itself

in the bottom of my stomach.

You've ruined me.

You're the first villain in my story.

Anxiety, I'm breaking out of your chains,

and I'm finally breaking free from you.

List Poem + Exploring Season: December 11 Poem

On Habitica, I also wrote a few poems for a December poetry challenge. I will show that poem in this post. 

But first off.......

Unrelated updates! (... heck.)

I forgot to add that being under anesthesia is also a weird feeling because you can’t feel anything. You can’t feel pain. It’s just... nothing. Did I mention it feels weird? Because it does. 

Well, I hope that was rather obvious. Because it’s general anesthesia and all. 

*cough, cough* Ahem. So yeah. That happened. 

There’s also a chance I’ll make a post called “Please Don’t Take My Sunshine Away”... and no, it isn’t about where that line comes from. If I make that post, it’s going to be all about Sunshine. If you don’t know Sunshine, she is my dog. My 14 year old dog. 

Honestly, it’s been rather hectic these past couple of days. Sunshine hasn’t been feeling like her usual self. Luckily, she started feeling a little better than before a few hours ago. 

I want to take her to the vet, but I’m also sad and conflicted. My parents, especially my dad, refuse to take her to the vet. My siblings and I have tried convincing them to take Sunshine to the vet. 

It’s frustrating to say the least. 

Anyway, here is my poem. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Winter:

the season of death,

the time of year when life is dead,

the haunted bride drags her long white gown along the path,

freezing anything and everything that comes in contact with her,

Persephone is with Hades in the Underworld,

short days, long nights,

outside is cold and dark,

warm jackets, gloves, hats, scarves,

sitting by the fireplace,

hot chocolate— perhaps with marshmallows and peppermint,

the holiday season,

house lights and streetlights shining the street,

pouring light into the dark,

yin & yang, optimism & pessimism at war,

and winter is both

the last and first season of the year.

Update 1: Oral Surgery

Hi. I haven’t made a post in a while. Again. 

I have a few updates that you guys may or may not be interested in knowing. 

The first one is what I’ll be mentioning in this post. 

Last Tuesday, I had oral surgery. I had all of my wisdom teeth removed and had part of my lip fixed. 

I’m almost done with my antibiotics. Taking them was a pain at first, but I eventually got used to it. 

I didn’t need the painkillers that much, which I’m thankful for. 

I had to go under general anesthesia. This was my first surgery, so I was scared about that at first. But it turned out fine. 

Being under anesthesia is.. it’s.. WEIRD. It’s such an odd feeling. You can’t remember and process the amount of time that passes. You don’t dream. One moment you’re awake; the next you’re passed out. I wake up with four of my teeth missing, gauze in my mouth, and a stitch or whatever it was on my inner lip. Damn, that was so weird. I’m glad the needle they stuck in my arm didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. I had a mask and an IV. I think that’s what it’s called.

 So yeah. I’m alive. I survived it. 

I have so much I have to catch you guys up on. I feel like I’ve been abandoning this blog. 

Hopefully, I’ll return sooner than last time. 

Bye for now. 

~ Shan 

Untitled Poem: November Day 12

Continuing from the same challenge thing I mentioned in the last post. 

This is my poem for the 12th of November. 

. . . / . . . / . . . 

... I’m tired. 

———————————-

The dilemma of staying in the known

or venturing into the unknown. This comfort zone isn't actually comfortable,

but it's all I know. To stay or leave? To stay in the dumps

or rise up? Those are the real questions. Do I want to get better?

Or do I want to have Anxiety and Depression to accompany me

throughout my life? I'm indecisive, so indecisive, it sickens me.

The way I'm strapped into myself,

I can't escape.

I can't trust my mind.

Self-destructive tendencies.

What am I doing?

Why can't I stop?

Why can't I just get better

be okay

be normal? I'm told to simply

"Wake up and be a better person!"

It's a lot harder than that. I want to break out of these ties,

but I keep on getting pulled back.

Please believe me when I tell you

I tried.

Untitled Poem (as of now): November Day 2

Hi, so I have a bunch of poems I quickly wrote while participating in a poetry challenge on Habitica. 

All of them are untitled as of now. Coming up with titles is difficult, okay? 

So anyway, this is my poem for day 2 of November. 

True story! ;) 

*sighs* ~~

———————————

Driving to the store, she's in the passenger's seat.

I turn the dial–

the audio is blaring.

Feeling overwhelmed, feeling frustrated,

take me away from here.

Senses are in overload;

irritability returns to me and sits on my tongue.

Oh, would you please just—

Shut. Up.

Repetition, repetition, repetition.

She repeats herself over and over.

I get it! I heard you the first time!

"Shut up."

I don't think much of it; it's only a bad habit.

I want to break it,

but I say it on instinct.

Saying it feels natural;

my irritability phantom followed me for years.

I shove it away, but it returns each time.

She stops. I feel relieved.

She looks hurt. I hurt her.

Guilt joins irritability—

suffocate me.

This silence doesn't fit.

The music is louder than ever.

I drown in it.

———————————

That’s all for now. Take care of yourselves! <3 

~ Shan 

First Day of the Decade

Hi, it’s 2020 now. Oh wow. 

I don’t know what else to include in this post. Uh...... hmm............. 

Ideas for things to do in January- blogging addition: 

• Finish that drawing of J___ I first showed as a rough sketch in August. I think it was August..? That was a while ago, huh. 

• Draw Dani Soot. XD 

• Write more poetry and share it on here. 

• Share some poems I wrote a month (or few) ago on here since I feel like I’ve been neglecting this blog lately. 

• Do some basic exercises. Start another 30 day planking challenge. Maybe do some daily crunches..? Hmm. 

• Read more. Read books I’m not required to read for college. 

• Notice my self-talk more. Reframe negative thoughts into neutral or positive ones- more often and more easily. 

• Write at least one full blog post about J___ so you guys can actually know who he is. It would be cool to know things about him, I suppose. 

• Possible new skit story. Possibly? Maybe? (We’re begging you, Cutepups. Please.) 

Ok that’s all I can think of right now. Oh wait, they aren’t all blogging related. Oops.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy New Year! Happy New Decade! Happy 2020! 

That’s all for today, folks. 

~ Cutepups / Shan (/ who am i?)