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Thursday, February 13, 2020

About Them Boys

Hi, I’m going to make this post quickly before I have to go to my class. I didn’t have my other, earlier class today. And I’m hopefully going to travel home tomorrow because I have a short break. So yeah. 

Tomorrow is already Valentine’s Day, huh? Dang. 

*suddenly realizes that today might be the anniversary of his (my uncle’s) death* ... oh. 

Anyway. That’s not what this post is about. Let’s get on with the content. 

*assumes you read part 1 of my most recent skit story (it’s the previous  post, come on now.)*

I didn’t intend on having the new character in Fierdan’s body set a bathroom on fire. It just happened. 

Well then. 

Wait. It might be a tribute to Duke setting the bathroom on fire in a skit in the past. He just be like that. 

And yes, this new character is a savage. He’s a savage. Yes.

For now, he calls himself Daniel. So I’m going to call him that. 

It’s weird. This character is using Fierdan’s body— this character is Fierdan— but he goes by the name of Daniel. Fierdan hates people calling him Daniel; he feels disconnected from his birth name. And yet, here’s this character, using Fierdan’s body, calling himself Daniel. Well, that sure is strange. Hearing Fierdan (his body, anyway) willingly refer to himself as Daniel feels odd. 

And just to clear up any confusion, skit Daniel is the same character as integrated Fierdan. This character is the combination of Duke and (old?) Fierdan. Two souls; one body. Now there’s one person instead of two. 

I’ve been writing it as “Fierdan: ______” because Daniel is using the same (or at least mostly the same) body as the skit character we’re all used to— Fierdan. But they aren’t exactly the same person. 

Does this sound confusing? Oh well! Suffer with me. 

Now I’m going to briefly talk about J___. Ha, ha, ha... what a guy. 

I think J___ is the most dirty-minded out of all of my main characters. In other words, he’s perverted. 

He’s not a wholesome dude. He’s just not. 

So is Duke. I guess. But J___ is worse. 

[Warning: sex mention] **

*cough* J___ has sex. Duke does not. *cough, cough*

...... with Fierdan. *cough, cough, cough* 

Hhhhh hh heck,,,,,

............. anyway. hi. 

They (J___ and Fierdan) eventually don’t have the healthiest relationship with sex. Not necessarily with them together. It’s kind of like a coping mechanism..? I don’t know. Something like that. 

[Warning: addiction mention— alcohol, drugs] **

They both have addictive personality tendencies. Duke doesn’t have it as badly. As for Duke, he does get “addicted” to... certain things, but he doesn’t have too much trouble with being able to stop. 

I know it’s not that realistic, but then again, Duke isn’t fully human. He’s the odd one out. 

In the past, Duke was pretty much “addicted” to self-harm behaviors and alcohol. He doesn’t really drink any strong alcoholic beverages though... the other adult male characters do though. And by that, I mean: Ryen, J___, and eventually Fierdan (when he’s integrated, starting in story 2). 

Out of all of them, J___ has struggled the most with addiction. He’s an addict. 

However, J___ and Ryen are recovering/mostly recovered from their addictions by the time story 2 sets place with integrated Fierdan and my girls (ahem, Stella (Twinkle) and Dawn). 

Oh yeah. Ryen suffered with alcoholism for a few years. Now he can drink alcohol— in moderation, that is. Having one drink doesn’t make him feel “addicted” anymore. 

On the contrary, as story 2 and 3 progress... Fierdan ends up having more and more addictive tendencies. He eventually becomes like an addict. 

He’s most likely to become an alcoholic at some point. Like his brother was (is?). 

Yeah. Shit gets rough. *sigh*

J___ doesn’t suffer as much from alcoholism as the brothers did/do. He is a drug addict. Ahem, hard drugs. Yeah... 

I’ll say more about them later. I have to leave for class now. 

‘Later. 

~ Cutepups ;p

Wednesday, February 12, 2020

Who Are You? Part 1

New skit story has officially begun! Nice. 

The preview parts have ended. Now it is time for part 1. :D 

Enjoy!~ ;)

[Content Warning: strong language, implied sexual content mention, possible religious mention]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Date: Late January. The same day as in the first preview, but several hours later. Location: Can’t be revealed.]

Ryen: *speaking to Twinkle* Hey.
Twinkle: *yawns* What? 
Ryen: Did he leave that room yet?
Twinkle: Who? 
Ryen: *crosses arms, sighs* J___. Who did you think I meant?
Twinkle: *isn’t focusing on Ryen* Oh. Right. 
Ryen: *un-crosses arms* Are you okay?
Twinkle: Yeah. *yawns* I’m just tired. 
Ryen: Dawn’s sleeping, right?
Twinkle: Yeah, that’s what she told me before she went to her room. *looks at Ryen* Look, Ryen, it’s getting late. 
Ryen: It’s not even midnight. What’s the rush? 
Twinkle: I’m tired, that’s all. It’s been a long day. 
Ryen: Yeah, I guess you’re right. 
Twinkle: Now could you stop standing in front of my door? 
Ryen: *face reddens in embarrassment* Oh, uh, right. *steps out of the way* Good night, Twinkle.
Twinkle: *puts hand on the doorknob, turns around to look at Ryen* Yeah. Good night. *turns back around, opens door, walks in the bedroom, closes door* 

[One hour later. Nearly 1 am.]

Ryen: *puts down a book he was reading on the coffee table, turns off lamp, stands up* Let’s see what you’re up to. *walks toward the room that J___ is in*

[A few minutes later. Ryen knocks three times at the door; no response. He shrugs and enters the room. J___ is standing beside a cot, staring down at it, his fingers twitching. He doesn’t acknowledge Ryen until he says his name. Then he turns around to look at the older man wearing glasses. Ryen pushes his glasses further up his nose; he is the first to break the silence.]

Ryen: I knocked at the door, and you didn’t answer. I thought that you went to bed. 
J___: No, I’m still here. What do you want? 
Ryen: Aren’t you tired? You’ve been here since the early evening. 
J___: I’m waiting for him to wake up. What do you think I’m doing? 
Ryen: *sighs* I’ve only seen you so intensely focused on anything that has to do with him. He must mean a lot to you, huh? 
J___: We mean a lot to each other. 
Ryen: I would assume so. You haven’t left his side since you walked in here.
J___: *stares back at the cot, at the comatose body lying on top of it* Like I said, I love him. I’ll be here for him when he’s ready to wake up and face the world again. 
Ryen: *also looks at the body on the cot* There’s a good chance he isn’t the same as he used to be.
J___: We’re all changing. Everyone is continuously evolving. 
Ryen: That’s not what I really meant—
J___: *breathes in, breathes out deeply* I know. I felt like you needed to hear that, anyway. 
Ryen: You act like a different person when the subject is about him. Or when he’s simply in the room. 
J___: I get you. I feel like he’s the only thing I can really focus on. He clears my head, which I bet is ironic. *laughs nervously*
Ryen: Well, you’re both chaotic individuals. You make life exciting for the rest of us, and for him as well. 
J___: I know, right? I thrive off of chaos. *winks at Ryen*
Ryen: *clears throat* Yeah, sure. 
J___: You know I’m right. 
Ryen: *laughs* 
J___: I miss his voice. I miss hearing it. 
Ryen: *sighs* You made me realize how much I miss hearing his voice. 
J___: *focuses back on the body on the cot, his eyes staring at the man’s throat, the curve that forms his Adam’s apple, his skin dry yet appearing slightly golden in the bright lighting* After everything he went through, how is he so beautiful? If he ever wakes up, he’ll be a completely different person, but... Damn. He’s beautiful. 
Ryen: *coughs intentionally* Ahem.
J___: *blushes, faces Ryen* Shit. I forgot you came in here. 
Ryen: *laughs* 
J___: Don’t laugh, Ryen!
Ryen: *his laughing fades away the longer he speaks* It’s okay. We all know that you two are lovers. 
J___: *stares at the body on the cot* You have no idea how much we love each other. His voice can give me shivers and make me melt at the same time. He can make me soft and hard all at once.  I didn’t expect his body to turn into that. God, he’s so beautiful, and I wish I could just fucking—
Ryen: *finally cuts J___ off* I would’ve stopped you after hearing you say “hard” like that, but you speak too damn fast sometimes. 
J___: *sighs nostalgically* I miss us being in bed together. 
Ryen: *sighs* You know I’m still in here, right? And how, well, I’m his brother. I got the innuendo from you a few minutes ago. *places hand on J___’s shoulder*
J___: *is startled* What the hell, man? I was being mesmerized by staring at Fierdan’s comatose body, but you ruined the moment. Thanks a lot. 
Ryen: *rolls eyes*
J___: *finally comprehends what Ryen said a few moments before* Oh, damn it! You’re his brother! 
Ryen: Yep. *takes hand off J___’s shoulder* So maybe it isn’t the best idea to start talking in a sexual manner about Fierdan since he’s my brother. 
J___: *looks disgusted at Ryen* Ugh. You’re a nasty one, Ryen. 
Ryen: *raises eyebrow* Oh, I’m the nasty one? You’re basically thirsting over my unconscious little brother right in front of me! 
J___: You two have got the superior genes, that’s for sure. 
Ryen: *glares at J___* “Superior genes” my ass! Don’t say that about either of us again, or you will regret it. *hesitates before continuing* If Fierdan hears you say that about me or himself, he’ll hit you. And not in a kinky way. 
J___: *pouts* Not kinky? That’s a shame. 
Ryen: *frowns* I’m serious. 
J___: Chill, dude. I meant it like... well, he’s hot. His body. Damn. I had to get body modifications for me to like who I saw in the mirror. I used to be an ugly fucker. 
Ryen: Uh...
J___: Now I can look at myself, not thinking I’m an ugly freak. Maybe other people see me as hot. 
Ryen: That’s no surprise. Like... *clears throat* You’re a handsome guy, J___. 
J___: Uh, well, thanks. 
Ryen: I’m not the one to go to if you want to talk romantically. I would advise against it.
J___: *laughs* You, romantic? I can’t imagine it.
Ryen: Good. Because I’m not into romance. 
J___: Got it. *yawns*
Ryen: You’re tired.
J___: I guess so. 
Ryen: Then take a break. It’s not like he’s going anywhere. 
J___: *sighs* I guess you’re right. 
Ryen: I’m going to bed. Good night. *leaves the room*
J___: *turns away from the door once Ryen shuts it behind him, faces Fierdan’s body again* I’ll do whatever it takes to bring you back to me. I’ll be here when you’re ready. *sighs* But I’m tired of standing on this hard floor. My feet are aching. You know I have to move around, right? I have to be free. *sighs again* And so do you. Go, be free. You can free yourself of these constraints, Fierdan. Even if you wake up different, I still love you. I’ll check on you again in the morning. *reaches out his arm, gently brushes Fierdan’s limp arm closest to him with his fingertips* I have to go now. Good night, my love. *pulls his own arm away from Fierdan’s, quickly stretches, and finally leaves the room at long last* 

[A half hour before sunrise on the following morning. Everyone, including J___ and Ryen, is still asleep. The focus shifts back to the room with the body on the cot. The body jerks; the person sits up on the cot. Two hands go up to his face; he rubs his eyes and slowly blinks a few times. Then he studies his hands— the backs and fronts of them. The skin is so dry. The man yawns and gently rubs his throat afterwards. His throat is dry. Everything about the body is dry and cold. The fingers on one of his hands stops at his Adam’s apple. His other hand rests on his chest; it rises and falls with his breathing. Slow and steady. The fingers on his Adam’s apple lower to his collarbone. The fingers on the hand over his chest reach up, and he feels the heart beating in his chest. The body feels foreign to him, yet it also feels like his own. He can’t tell which one it is. Maybe it’s both. The man sighs and grips the sides of the cot— to the left and right of him— and his bare feet touch the cold, hard floor. The feeling is new. He sighs again and forces himself to walk to the door. He breathes a sigh of relief that he didn’t stumble and fall. He struggles a little with the cold doorknob, but he is able to twist it and open the door. He doesn’t know where to go next, so he stands in the dark hallway. He swallows and pays attention to the feeling in his throat as he does so. He decides to test his voice.]

Fierdan: I. Hi. 

[A few minutes of him testing out sounds later...]

Fierdan: *thinks* I remember who I am. I know my name. It’s... it’s... 

[His thoughts cut short. One of his hands touches his head; he twists a few strands of his hair around one of his fingers. He looks at it. His hair is a dark color. It looks black. He sighs and lets it go, watching the strands of hair fall in front of his face. Suddenly, the thoughts come back.]

Fierdan: *thinks* I remember who I am. I know my name. It’s Daniel. 

[Daniel.]

Fierdan: *tries speaking out loud again* I... I am Daniel. 

[The man eventually gets used to the body. When the sky lights up as the sun rises, he dusts his hands on the front of his thighs. He enters the closest room.] 

Fierdan: *stares at his reflection in the bathroom mirror— his hair, his jawline, his eyes* My name is Daniel, and I have finally come out of the lions’ den. *he turns on the tap, cups one of his hands to collect some of the water, brings it to his lips and drinks the water from the palm of his hand* I tamed all the beasts. They have succumbed to my authority. *turns off the faucet* I have written my own Book of Daniel, but I am no prophet. I defy God. 

[He takes a few steps back from the sink and grins. The irises of his eyes look very similar to rings of fire. Maybe they were all along.] 

Fierdan: I rise above it all. *takes a deep breath* I heard you. I freed myself. We’ll meet again, my love. 

[When he leaves the bathroom, the room is full of flames. The man’s face is determined, rings of fire trapped in his eyes.] 

Fierdan: *walks away from the bathroom without looking back* 

[The smoke detectors in the building go off. A thin trail of smoke and a few dying embers follow behind the man. Noises are heard upstairs by the bedrooms.] 

Fierdan: Well, I guess it’s time to say hello. *grins* This will be fun. 

Sunday, February 9, 2020

God Killer Fierdan! Episode Story AU (2)

Hi everyone, I'm finally back with part 2 of Cutepups-rambling-about-an-Episode-story! How fun! And there will be pictures this time! Yay! ;D

First of all, here are some links:

what app am i referring to? it's this one.

The Episode story is called "H & V: Bad to the Bone" by Lee Funk (@/LeeFunkTheAuthor).

The story isn't mine, obviously. However, I found some similarities between the main character in this story and how Fierdan in my own story behaves. And of course, I named the main character of this story, Fierdan.

here is part 1 in case anyone has to catch up or wants to read some context. or any other reason.

Alright. Those are the links. Now let's get on with it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fierdan: I want you dead and stop acting like this temporarily alliance is anything more. 

This Episode outfit is the one that looks like what Fierdan wears in my story canon. I like how it looks on him. Black and purple clothing. A cape. Those kinds of clothes. He doesn't have piercings when he mainly dresses like this in my story (when he's in Cincernum... minus the black goop, isolation, and being cursed... *coughs*) though. I think he looks nice with piercings, haha. 

And this scene is similar to how my Fierdan is regarding a special someone. ;) (you know who) ... it's Soulless. 

Oh wait. Let's back it up a little, shall we? 

Fierdan: Y-you aren't dying Zion. I don't want you to die. 

This is from an earlier chapter than the previous picture. I made Fierdan wear the same outfit, even though this chapter takes place in a snowy land. This is God!Fierdan so he can dress up however he pleases. He is a god who gives no fucks. :)

The red hand on the tree if supposed to be blood. Haha yeah. This is one of those violent Episode stories. 

Like I said before, the main point of this story is for the main character (Fierdan) to kill his fellow gods and goddesses. Fierdan, who is also a god, wants to kill the rest of them. Or at least he wants them all dead. He doesn't get to kill them all. 

So yeah. Fierdan is a god killer. Ah, my fiery disaster man! Always having to kill, huh? Yep, that's my man!

 Zion is the first person Fierdan finds and puts on his team. At first, Fierdan had no feelings except "gotta murder the gods!"...  and Zion was an annoying but vital part of Fierdan's team. But then as the story progresses, Fierdan gains feelings (except confusing justice with violence) and grows attached to Zion. Hence, the picture of them above.

By the way, I think it's ironic how the tall guy is named Zion. Since, well, it starts with a Z. And we all know which character in my story has a name that starts with Z— Fierdan's father. And I originally named his father, Zios. Oh hmm... 

But Zion is a good guy. He can be quite a nuisance and makes some stupid decisions, yet he is still appreciated. Heck, even Fierdan appreciates him. 

Z though? Not at all. Z is hated through and through. 

Onto more pictures and rambling now! 

Fierdan: Consider our bromance over. 

It's the boys again! Their relationship is so beautiful. Fierdan admits that their relationship is a bromance. Oh no, it ended! Damn. That's tragic. </3

I know this an Episode story, but I perceive the characters' emotions and body language so strongly. Like, this right here? Such a classic. I love them.

...... and honestly, these characters kinda remind me of Duke and Brock in my skits. *wink, wink* ... oh, come on. we all know they had something going on. Duke and Brock. Umm? Yes! XD

Moving along now........

Fierdan: You don't want to be like me. 

Yeah, that's Fierdan's entire character in a nutshell. It goes beyond a single story universe. Wow, that runs deep! 

The girl he's talking with is a demigod named Carys, if I'm remembering correctly. She and the demigods join Fierdan's team of fighting and killing the gods and goddesses. 

Also, this outfit? What a look. Fierdan slays all his outfits. Slay! (oh heck, he has knives. get it? slay? hahaha. yeah.)

Fierdan: I can't cry. I can't form emotional bonds and I certainly can't feel love for someone.

Now Fierdan is talking about how he's emotionless and can't feel love. Hmm... mood? This scene makes me wonder if the main character in the story is possibly aromantic..? 

He means all types of love. But like. This scene! *screams*

Fierdan... ;-; hhhhhfffgh. 

Anyway. Let's continue. 

Fierdan: Oh boo-hoo. 

Every time I look at this picture, I think it's so fucking funny. Fierdan, damn, he's so iconic. What a legend. 

"Oh boo-hoo." That dialogue. Damn, this Episode Fierdan is a savage. I love him!

He got knocked to the ground, and yet he looks so chill. For someone whose main goal in life is to kill his kind (the gods), he sure looks calm and collected. He's just there. On the ground. Looking like that. Damn son.

The woman is Irene, the goddess of peace and justice. Well, if I remember correctly. It's very ironic that she's the goddess of peace. Because like... Irene, she's an interesting one.

She likes fighting, and of course fighting Fierdan. She has a grudge against him. I mean, who wouldn't? But she's Irene. 

She wanted to kill her husband, then she wanted him to suffer, and she also wanted to create an army to fight the demigods. Sounds peaceful, huh! Yeah, no. 

Now let's get to the good stuff! >:D

Fierdan... wait no, it says Ash Beast. Ash Beast, possessing Fierdan's body: I will win. What do you want anyway? 

Evil, evil, evil. This character is evil. 

Ash Beast can control Fierdan's body and do things that Fierdan opposes. Does that remind you of my story at all? 

Oh yes. Soulless! That demonic bastard. Can't forget that demon. 

When the Ash Beast takes over Episode Fierdan's body, he becomes more powerful. Oh and by the way, Ash Beast apparently created the gods. So there's that to keep in mind. 

In my story, well... When Soulless manipulates Fierdan and controls his body, Fierdan becomes stronger than he is without Soulless possessing him. And Fierdan, under the influence of Soulless, gives off more inhumane and evil vibes than he is on his own. 

And hey, look at these pictures. *winks* 

Ash Beast: Then I am going to take it by force. 

This is what the Ash Beast looks like... outside of Fierdan's body. Hmm. I think Fierdan is hotter though. :/

Ok but Fierdan looks like a tall child in comparison. Why is he smiling? I don't get it. Episode is strange. :/

Anyway, Ash Beast dude wants to take full control of Fierdan's body. I think that is what they are arguing about.

It kinda reminds me of Fierdan and Soulless spending time in Cincernum. They argue a lot. I mean, hey, that's understandable. Soulless wants to take full control of Fierdan's body and Duke's as well. Soulless also wants to possess Fierdan's body permanently "by force" so... yeah. I see similarities here.

The similarities between Episode Fierdan and Ash Beast & my story Fierdan and Soulless are strong here. Damn.

Fierdan: My actions... are rarely my own lately.

Oh no, the boy is sad! The god killer is sad! :'(

He doesn't have full control over his actions. Ash Beast is making his body do things he doesn't want to. 

*thinks of Fierdan and Soulless, and sweats* h-heck,,

Fierdan: I believe he's trying to make himself seem less like the enemy, but he's the one who wants to take over my body.

Oh fuck. This made me so emotional. I screamed when I first read/played this chapter. The similarities between my Fierdan and this Fierdan have me screaming. What the hell is this?! Ahh!

Fun Fact: At first, I thought Fierdan was naked or wearing underwear in this scene. He's not. He has pants on. Don't worry.

However, in the next few chapters Fierdan has scenes when he's walking around in his underwear. So, well, there's that.

The smoke effect gives me even more Soulless vibes. God... damn it.

Now let me bring that picture back. And add context. 


Since Fierdan is wearing a different outfit, this takes place in a later chapter. Fierdan,, yes boy,, call that bastard out! Yes!!

This Fierdan wants the Ash Beast dead. He wishes Ash Beast would die. He's so over the "temporarily alliance" they supposedly have.

Well... huh. That sure reminds me of my Fierdan and Soulless. 

Fierdan wants Soulless dead. He wants Soulless to go away for good. Forever. They also had something like an alliance. I mean, Soulless helped Fierdan survive when he was initially dropped in Z's project world. Soulless was kind of like Fierdan's (and Dawn's too, to some extent) mentor. Soulless was like a twisted up teacher. And of course, Fierdan and Soulless had to have some type of alliance, otherwise the DUKE Fierdan (Duke) wouldn't be created and born. 

So yeah. Hmm. 

I'll make a part 3 of this at some point. 

Thursday, February 6, 2020

J___ at the Bar

First of all, I started this drawing a long time ago. I mean August.. which feels like a long time ago now.

I colored some more of it today. Anyway, I’m giving up on working on it. I don’t have motivation to draw stuff myself. It’s too much effort, and I’m too impatient.

blah blah this post blah blah

It links to the post where I put the beginning sketch.

My art sucks. :(

It’s just the facts. :/

It’s supposed to be at a bar. But I gave up on the background. Where are the drinks? I don’t know, okay?!

J___. Ja boi. Jack. Jax. Jinx. JJ. Jojo. Jumanji. Joker. *insert any other name that stands out to me that starts with J*

......... What am I doing? Hmm...

Oh yeah. It’s art time! XD

This is my attempt at trying to draw J___. 

I sketched and outlined this a few months ago. Oof. The anatomy is terrible. 

Is there anything good about this? Can someone tell me? Guide me to the light. 

...... I keep on getting distracted. Geez. 

Yeah. I think that’s all I have to say for this post. 

Surprise! It’s an art post. :D 


Oh yeah. I added in a cigarette. He’s a smoker. 

(Stop making your characters be bad influencers, Cutepups. Omg. >:/)

............... welp. heh, heh, heh. heck.

Wednesday, February 5, 2020

Emotional Songs Relating To My Characters (2020 #1)

Hi, I'm giving up on naming my posts. I can't do this anymore.

Ok so, this post is going to be me basically throwing videos of songs at you guys and saying how they especially relate to my characters. These songs hit me in the feels. Ouch, feelings. And this is my first music post of the year, so I added a "2020 #1" into the title. Deal with it.

Y-A-Y

Yeah ok. Let's start.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

;-; <3 ;-; <3

Innocence~ Nathan Wagner

This song reminds me a lot of Fierdan (versions: Kid Danny to integrated Fierdan) and Dawn. Since I'm obsessed with them, of course I can hear Danny/Fierdan as the male voice and Dawn as the female voice. This song reminds me of their entire relationship- and wow, there are a ton of feelings there! Like.. from when they're little kids and hanging out in the garden, to Fierdan's "darkness" (figuratively and literally) consuming him, to the aftermath of pretty much everything that happens to them. Their relationship is so complicated- friendship? siblings? family? ... lovers?- it transcends all of that. I don't know how to properly explain it, but gosh.. their relationship is quite something. 

Lyrics that hit me (female voice in italics): "Bring me to the garden where'd we go and cleanse my soul, cleanse my soul. Free me of this anger that I hold and make me whole, make me whole. ... Darling, won't you let it go? You don't have to let it hold you. Listen to the light. Don't let the darkness take you. ... Always in this inner fight: Do I listen to the voice that says "I'm worthless, never will be right" ... these daggers going through my chest. Can't you see the devastated souls, the remains of my own foolishness? I'll bring you to the garden where we'd go and cleanse your soul, cleanse your soul. I'll free you of this anger that you hold and make you whole, make you whole. ... and your memories aren't your destiny. ..." [that long "oh" part] "If I looked you in the eye and showed the broken things inside, I won't run away ... If you saw my darkest parts, the wicked things inside my heart!" 

Yeah. This is such an emotional song that I could replay for hours. :') ... but I won't this time. 

Onto more songs! 

-x-x-

I'm not going to write on and on about the other songs. But these songs also remind me of my characters. High chance of one of those characters being Fierdan (+ Duke). Because... them. 

-x-x-

Lonely~ Nathan Wagner

This song is part of the song I mentioned before this one. It doesn't remind me of a specific character or characters, but it kind of gives me vibes for all of my main ones. Some lyrics remind me of Fierdan (of course), other parts remind me of Ryen, and other parts remind me of Stella. (... I mean Twinkle.) *coughs* J___ as well. 

-x-x-

Overcome.~ barnacle boi 

"I just want to run away from it all."

This song reminds me of Duke, Fierdan, Stella, and J___. Duke and Stella because they run away from their "homes" (more like where they lived with their parents).. and they have their mess of conflicting emotions. That's an obvious one. As for Fierdan, it's more like a "I want to run away from myself and the past" kind of thing. And J___ well.. he runs away in his teenage years. 

J___'s life before meeting Stella, Duke, Fierdan, and the others (including Ryen) was rough. But more on a relatable level of rough than compared to what Fierdan, Ryen, and the rest of them had to deal with.  

But to put it very short, J___ runs away from his family, his home, his neighborhood, and he does lots of questionable things (ahem, illegal activity). Where J___ is from is the most like how society is today, while the birth places of Ryen, Fierdan, and Dawn were more in this.. futuristic (? not sure how to describe it) society. Z and C (the parents of the three) were very powerful and influential people. J___ is from a regular family compared to the kind of people that Z and C were. 

Oh and J___ quits high school. In today's terms, he runs away and leaves his past life behind when he's a junior in high school at age 16. 

His current age (when the story takes place) is 22. Fierdan is also 22. So.. now you know my decisions on their ages in early 2020. Nice. 

Wow, I'm going off-topic. Oops. 

-x-x-

Interlude~ Breathe Carolina

Reminds me of Duke/Fierdan and J___. 

Lyrics that hit me: "Everybody doubts me now. Everybody likes me less. ... And I'm fucking running, I'm running away. I'm running away. ... And I heard you say that it hurts inside when you see me this way. Do you want to change? ... At least for me."

-x-x-

Narcissistic Cannibal~ EarlyRise (Korn cover)

For some reason, I can imagine Dawn singing this about Fierdan (and Duke too, maybe). This singer's voice reminds me of Dawn. Hmm...

Oh wait. I can also imagine Dawn singing this about Z. 

-x-x-

The Mystic~ Adam Jensen

Maybe this song isn't as sad/emotional as the others, but how it ties in J___'s character, yeah.. feelings. 

-x-x-

The Kid~ Adam Jensen

And this song reminds me of J___ when he's a teenager. 

"Nothing's gonna stop this kid." Ain't that right. 

-x-x-

That's it for this post. Hope you enjoy the music. 

LOL OK

Bye for now. 

Monday, February 3, 2020

02022020 +1

... was on Sunday. 

Yep. ;D 

02/02/2020

That was the date on Sunday. 

Cool, cool, cool. 

So what’s happening ?! 

Well... uh... 

February 2nd was Groundhog’s Day and Thelma’s birthday. 

Oh my gosh, my baby tuxedo cat is 8 years old! How did this happen?! My baby is growing up so fast! Ahhhhhhhh- :0 

....... anyway. Here is a list of names that will be in the ongoing skit story. 

Hmm...

List of names I don’t think I’ve ever put in a skit before- as characters speaking in the skit: 

• Daniel
• Aeryen 
• Stella
• Jack / (the) Jack 
• ... and of course there’s Dawn 

This integrated skit Duke and skit Fierdan is going to be a little different than the non-skit version of my plans for their integration. 

Random Viewer: Does that mean Jack Daniel’s? 
Me: Uh.... No. 

I’m still not set on a true name for J___ but Jack is one of his nicknames and something like a role he plays. 

“a game of jacks” “play a game with me” 

....... those aren’t quotes or anything. idk why i typed that. 

So yeah. That’s all I wanted to say in this post. See ya. 

Saturday, February 1, 2020

psych-

Oh look, it’s now February. Geez, January felt like such a long month. 

*takes a deep breath and sighs* Well, here goes nothing. I’ve been delaying this kind of post for way too long. 

Time for a psychology post. And tying it into my characters. 

And perhaps there’s something more to it..? ;D

...... yeah, no. 

Anyway. Let’s begin, shall we?

——————————

For a while when I wasn’t posting as much, I’ve been thinking of the mental health states of my main story characters. I feel like I update their.. well, disorders I guess you could say, every couple of months. 

I don’t know why I’m obsessed with their possible mental disorders, but I am. I think about them often. 

I’m saying “mental disorders” because not all of them are actually mental illnesses. There are differences. 

*the “The More You Know” rainbow meme thing pops up on my screen, your screen, everyone’s screen* 

Now it’s time to bring up the ongoing skit story. 

Nothing is absolute. Everything is hypothetical. I write skit stories to help organize my thoughts about my characters. And yeah, I mostly just mean Fierdan when I say that. He’s such an interesting character, and I wish I could explain him in a way that gives him justice. 

The Help person is supposed to be a therapist or mental health counselor. In parts of my skits, I’m not sure if I’m doing it on purpose or not anymore. I don’t know if I’m making the Help person be a joke of a therapist, perhaps a parody of one, intentionally or if that character simply just ended up being the way he is. And yes, it’s a male therapist that works with Fierdan and Duke. 

*takes a deep breath and sighs* I think I mentioned it before this skit story as well. Anyway, one theme in this skit story is on integration. I guess I should actually try and explain what I meant by that. 

Integration has many definitions. However, when I’m referring to integration in terms of Duke and Fierdan, I’m basing it vaguely on integration when it comes to DID. No, Fierdan doesn’t have DID (Duke doesn’t either). So no, it’s not the same. It’s not close to being the same. 

The only character in my story that is most likely to have DID is Dawn... and she doesn’t have it. 

Integrated Fierdan, also known as Integrated Danny, is Fierdan (minus Duke) + Duke. 

Duke is his own person. He’s a character separate from Fierdan. He’s a physical person. So.. there’s that. 

Duke, however, is part of Fierdan. Deep down, they’re the same one character. 

I’ve been thinking of it like this: 
• Duke is a version of Fierdan that is the most divergent out of all of the Fierdan versions. 
• Fierdan never had anything close to having an adolescence. In his teenage years, he was being heavily manipulated and frequently abused. Fierdan never went to a high school. Duke fills out that blank space. Duke has something like a typical teenage boy life. Duke goes, I mean went, to high school. 
• Keeping that in mind, Fierdan created Duke. Fierdan is human. Duke, at his core, is not. 
• Anyway, Duke is part of Fierdan’s personality- that got split off when Duke was created. Duke has his own memories and soul. In order for Fierdan to become whole, or at least the most like his original self from the beginning, he has to gain back Duke. In that process, Fierdan gains back Duke’s own memories and soul. As a result, Fierdan becomes integrated. Duke’s soul and memories combine with Fierdan’s, making integrated Fierdan have two souls and sets of memories. 

This sounds complicated. That’s because it is! ;D 

And here is a list of the different versions of Fierdan:
• Baby Daniel (Fierdan’s birth name is Daniel)
• Kid Danny (he doesn’t like being called Daniel so he insists on being called Danny instead)
• Kid Fierdan (when he first changed his name after leaving his home against his will with Dawn... blah blah blah all that messed up stuff)
• Teenage Fierdan (when Fierdan becomes the most fucked up; when he’s the victim of the most manipulation and abuse; Fierdan kills his father in this version of himself- yes, he murders Z when he’s still a teenager.)
• Cincernum Fierdan (how many years is this? no idea. his age? a mystery. revival? a pause in ages? it’s a mystery. ;) *coughs*) 
• DUKE Fierdan (the Duke version of Fierdan. a version of Fierdan that’s himself but slightly to the left, diverged a lot off the original Fierdan path)
• Integrated Fierdan (which I basically explained earlier in this post) 

And that’s pretty much it. :) 

All my lovely Fierdans! Gotta love them all! <3 

....... and here we go. 

The more I think about Dawn and everything that happened to her, I’m considering her possibly having a dissociative disorder. 

No, not DID (or a type of OSDD). I’m considering dissociative amnesia. 

I’m going to provide some links. But first off, what do I mean by DID? Well, it stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder. 

So yeah. Here are some links. Links.. fun, fun, fun.....



Information. Yay for learning! .......... *crickets are heard chirping* 

In addition to all that....

The more I think about Duke and Fierdan (well, Fierdan for the most part).. and Z (yes, the shittiest father TM), I consider themselves possibly having traits of cluster B personality disorders. 

I say “traits of” because I don’t think they actually have enough symptoms to be officially diagnosed with the personality disorders I’m thinking of them having. Or any for that matter. 

However, Fierdan and Z have more traits (maybe I should just call them symptoms? eh whatever) of the personality disorders than, let’s say, the average person. 

Note that the following does not mean I think they actually have the personality disorders. They just have symptoms of them that stand out to me. 

Well, here goes nothing. 

• Fierdan has BPD traits. 
• Z has ASPD traits. 
• They just have more traits of those personality disorders than most people. This does not mean they really have them. Everything is potential. Nothing is definite. I’m just trying to organize this whole big mess called my characters. 
• Z has ASPD traits, but I also don’t like saying that. I prefer saying it like this...
• Z has psychopathic traits. He is a psychopath. And by that, I do mean the actual definition of a psychopath. 
• People who don’t know Fierdan well believe him to be a psychopath. I mean, Fierdan does brutally kill his father. He does lots of questionable things. In addition to Z, he also traumatizes Dawn. Despite all that, however, Fierdan is not a psychopath. 

BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder. ASPD stands for Antisocial Personality Disorder. Both personality disorders are under cluster B of personality disorders. 

I know I haven’t really written anything official about Fierdan and abandonment, but he has severe abandonment issues. He likes to pretend he doesn’t, but he does. He does so, so much.

It becomes a lot more obvious in story 2. Especially when it comes to thinking of his mother and brother. And even Dawn. Yes, her too. 

All of them technically abandoned him. But so did he. Anyway, trace the line all the way back and it goes to his mother. 

C. The mother of Ryen and Fierdan. C, who abandoned Ryen and Fierdan to be raised by Z alone. C abandoned her children. She left them with an abusive father with extremely dangerous world-views. Oh and by the way, Z is a huge bigot. A bigot in a position of power. 

The parents are terrible. -10000 on the parents rating scale. They’re awful, awful people. 

Also, Fierdan definitely has troubles in relationships. He has lots of issues when it comes to relationships. 

There’s nothing to romanticize about any of these disorders. 

Oh look- more links! 



(Note: Not all- honestly, I think it’s most- people with ASPD are criminals. They aren’t monsters. They are people. Having ASPD does not make one inherently an abuser.) 


Well, have fun reading all of that. So much information. Wow. 

And wow, it’s getting very late. 

This post seems long enough. I’ll end it here and go to sleep. 

~ Shan