whew feels

Hello. That exam killed me. I'm dead lmao.

I want to briefly talk about my morning. Ok lol.

I was sleeping. Everything was fine, but then it happened. What happened? My freaking dream turning into a nightmare happened.

I woke up nearly an hour before I usually do with my heart racing.

Thanks, hell brain. :-)

The dream: I was driving my car on a road that I usually drive on. It's the road that leads to the place where I practice parallel parking with my dad. Except my dad wasn't there. I was driving alone. But then out of nowhere, this car comes speeding toward mine. It's in the same lane I'm in. Then dream me was like, "oh crap" and I prevented a head-on car collision. And then the rear of my car exploded. :-)

Haha yeah, it's that dang anxiety. My birthday is in 20 days. The heck?
And up until 12 when my exam started, I was on full-mode anxiety. Ouch, body pains.

After that, I died lmao. It (exam) killed me lmao. Haha, ha, ha, haha.

.................

Me: Anyone say story rambling time? ;)
Any viewer: No. No one said it, Cutepups. :/
Me: (Cutepups...) That reminds me! :0
Any viewer: Ugh, what now. :/
Me: Hey, that's my line! >:0
Any viewer: Stop including keyboard faces. :/
Me: No! >:D
Any viewer: Okay, what is it? :/
Me: Read below. :)

I know I'm referred to as Cutepups on here. On this here cursed blog site. But like. Cutepups is a weird name. Pretty childish. It's about cute puppies, come on. I like how I turned Cutepups into a cool (lol you wish, fool) blogger name, but for a while now I've been conflicted. I kinda want to keep my name as Cutepups, but I also kinda want to change my name to Spirit. Or, haha, Ghost. But Cutepups has been my name for so long. It's my blogger brand name. Ugh, what to do. What should I do? Heck man, if you're out there, please help me.

Anyway, here's some more of my story rambling.

So, haha, I was on YouTube. Then I found this song. And then this other song.

Me and my story-obsessed with spoilers trash brain thought the following:

"Wow.. guys.. this song reminds me of Duke. I mean yes, I know I have 100+ songs that remind me of Duke. But this song? It's such a 70s arc and 80s arc mood."

I have to stop doing this lmao. I thought that when I was halfway through the song when listening to it for the first time.

The song: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=I3Ezq1fCQCM

Most songs that remind me of Duke and Fierdan are rock songs with screaming parts. That's them lol ok. No calming and quiet songs for these boys. Definitely not for Duke. Maybe for Fierdan. Lol what.

*mind blanks out for a second and throws you a skit*

Me: Gosh, Twinkle's Story is getting long.
Me: *looks at manga*
Manga: 140+ chapters
Me: I feel better now..?

Now I'll end this post by throwing random story spoilers in no order and with no context at you. ;D

....................

"This is the Lightning Bug. It is also known as the Firefly."

"Electro fly..."

"This particular one has been genetically modified, which gives it the ability to electrocute you at my will."

¤¤¤

"You killed my friend!"

. . . .

"You killed my friend!"

(two different times said by different people)

¤¤¤

F-O-X. Z-I-O-S.

¤¤¤

Safety shelters.

¤¤¤

What if parallel worlds exist? What if the way we've all been living wasn't the truth?

What if Soulless never existed? Then only one person would be dead because of me.

What if we weren't reborn? Then I really would be nineteen. That would mean I never turned twenty-four.

What if Dawn never killed me when I was twenty-four and when she was twenty-three?

What if...

¤¤¤

" That sound. I know that sound.

. . . .

The buzz of the razor. Memories resurface.

. . . .

He's mutilating me! He's breaking me!

. . . .

He took it all away from me. "

¤¤¤

"What the hell was that?"

"No. No..."

*flames vanish; falls; in pain*

"NO!"

*sparks appear; flames return, stronger than before; struggling to move*

"Ardere. ARDERE!"

¤¤¤

♡♡♡

aaaaaaugh

It's May. How did this happen? Why did April have to end?

Well, hello there. Now that it's May, stress week has officially begun.

Tomorrow is my first exam of the week. I've been stressing out, and now I feel a little sick.

Nice going, Cutepups. :/

I feel stupid and like a failure. This week is going to metaphorically (or not? hahaa) kill me. Anyone there? Kill me.

And now I have a history project to do. Gotta love this month. Gotta love May.

Been studying for hours over the weekend. Still feel stupid af and like a disappointment to myself/everyone.

Even before it actually happens, I'm gonna say it. I'm sorry for being like this.

The only thing I really live for is blogging (and my blogs are awful) with my Twinkle's Story+ (which is a confusing and terribly written story) that I fantasize about changing some things about it in order for me to perhaps turn it into a book some day in the distant future.

Haha yeah. That's why I've been getting passionate about the story again. I can only dream.

Anything else regarding my future, and I don't have a clue.

Cutepups having a future? What's a future? What's that? Pfft, so unrealistic.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Okay, well, I guess I have other reasons to live. Of course I do. It's just that blogging and the story are my creations. Only I can continue them the way I want to. They're my own things.

Ayy lmao. Why do I feel like it's my fault when someone is tired and in a bad mood? Why did I think I could pass off as smart when I'm really just an idiot? Why do I hate it when other people say they want to die, but I want to when I think about exams and the future?

Your posts are unhealthy and toxic to viewers, Cutepups. Why won't you learn that you're not the only person who feels the way that you do? Stop it already. :/

I'm turning 17 this month. What the f*ck.

I'm not ready for this, that, or anything. Not okay, this is not okay.

Freaking end me.

Anyway, hope you like that writing piece I posted. I'm a bit disappointed in it. Then again, I'm disappointed in all my art. So whatever.

To put it simply, I'm trying to say that the true theme of love surpasses actions that are seen as romantic or sexual because love is so much more than just that.

I'm not a good writer though. Or artist. Or, well, being a person in general.

I want to draw and post Duke's Five Stages of Grief, but it's all major spoilers. Haha yeah, things get intense. Ooh.

I have plans for Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. That's all five. I already have plans for them even before writing the actual chapters.

Only Anger, Bargaining, and Acceptance are the ones I have detailed plans for. The other ones are more vague.

I've been thinking about Duke a lot lately. Especially his character and all that pain.

I don't know if I'm going to survive tomorrow. This might be the end. Finally lmao.

(lmao = laughing my anxiety off)

Cutepups is an anxious fool.

I probably won't even major in this at college. Despite what my dad thinks.

I live to disappoint.

:) :)) :)))

Goodbye.

~ Cutepups

Love (first draft)

What does it mean to be in love? How do you know it's love?

It's when you care about someone. It's someone who is a part of you, who changed your life for good.

It's a feeling that many people don't understand. It's a feeling that makes the acts of romantic and sexual love seem meaningless. It's a feeling that runs through your veins and lights up your core.

Love is the bond between you and someone else. It's that person you call your soulmate.

What is a soulmate?

A soulmate is someone who shapes who you are. They impact your life in so many ways.

A soulmate is someone you love no matter what. It's that someone you treat differently than everybody else.

A soulmate is someone who cares about you and wishes you the best. It's that someone who will always be there for you no matter how many times you might've screwed up.

They might not always be there physically, but you know they're still there with you. Whether that be in life or in death.

It's that one person who will continue to support you when everyone else left your side. It's someone who rights your wrongs without you even knowing.

It's someone who knows you more than any other. They're a part of you, and you're a part of them.

Being in love means a lot of things. It's emotional intimacy and maybe physical too. It's deep sympathy, empathy, and compassion.

Your soulmate is your best friend. It's someone who can be your friend, your significant other, your sibling, or maybe a person who originally meant nothing to do. The bond between you two doesn't matter. It's that extremely powerful connection you have with another person. It's a connection that surpasses any other.

It's that feeling you get for a person you want to protect, to remain safe, no matter what. It's that person who makes you happy and safe when nobody else can. It's when you know something is wrong with them without you even being with them.

It's that feeling when you want to harm anyone who is causing your soulmate pain. You would beg and plead to trade their pain and suffering for yours. You would kill for them. You would sacrifice your life for them.

A soulmate can enter your life, but they can't leave without taking a part of you with them.

That is how I would describe love.

- - - - - - - - - -

First draft of a project I'm working on.

It's a writing piece inspired by that "What's a Soulmate?" audio clip. ( https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TSU8Zs0VvmI )

Twinkle's Story+ main theme: Love

heh okay

Hey.

I almost typed up Chapter 74 last night. Keyword being almost. I didn't for a few reasons.

I guess that means there won't be a new chapter for another week or two. So probably in two weeks, I'll be able to post the full chapter.

I want to write it so badly, but I can't. I have too many other things to do. Too many important things to worry about. Especially now.

I might make a reminder post later. And then you guys will be confused. Haha. Knowledge.

I might also make a preview post of Chapter 74. Like what will happen. But vaguely.

Yeah sure lol.

Well anyway, I'm almost at 1000 posts. Wow, what a number.

Um.. I feel like I have an irl friend now. Nice.

Gotta go. Bye.

Demon Duke again

Quickly drew these lol.

I like to think of the scenes that lead up to Duke in this spoiler form lol. Pain lol. :')

The words are important story things lol.

The pain look. Oh yes. My poor boy. 

<3 ;; 

Bloody mouth in a lot of these lol. 

Oh and lmao. The three Duke forms. 

Not all the quotes are said by Duke. Some are though.

A lot of things have to happen before Duke actually looks like this in the story. 

I just love thinking about him suffering. :'^) 

Pain is a great factor. 

Ok bye lol. 

lol cool

That last post though. Another one where I try to write half-poetically. I was going to post it yesterday, but then I didn't.

I was stressing out yesterday. Lol how fun.

Anyway, I'm going to talk about some good things that happened today.

Good.. sure lol.

I'm leaving for my SAT class in a few minutes though. That's not fun. Test taking is never fun.

*sigh* :/

Ok so anyway. There were a lot of field trips going on today, and it was Bring Your Child To Work Day. So I got to see my teachers' kids. Haha yeah.

It's so warm out. Tomorrow is going to be even warmer. ... Can we just skip to summer break? Um lol.

So there's this park near my high school. In gym today, we walked all the way over there.

We passed the dog park. Like yes. Dogs. Amazing.

Then we went to the animal enclosures. And in my head, I'm like. Yes, animals, nice!

That fluffy white chicken though. That squawking goose though. The goats though. That pretty turkey though. That peacock though. Those pigs though.

Animals.. cool lol. Gotta love them.

My school sent out an online letter about that.. *clenched fists* .. Netflix show. And after I read it, I was like, yes!

It was about how the show romanticizes suicide and doesn't talk about any possible mental health issues.

Yeah lol that show.

I feel kinda good today lol. At least so far today.

I'm tired, but I gotta do this SAT thing. Ugh why life.

I also had an hour long conversation with my irl friend. With a call.

Wow, that's something new. Haha yeah.

Oh and there might be hope for my future now. I might be interested in this major and its courses.

I'm still ashamed over my writings though.

So.. heh.

Screenwriting sounds pretty cool. My dad did it lol. That's not his job though lol.

Ugh, I don't want to go.

Oh and some story stuff. Gotta type this really quick.

The way that Duke [dies] for my story plans now is so much better than the plan I had two years ago. Like wow. That old plan is gross. This one is so much better. No actual suicide. Yeah lol.

The same thing goes for the violent action scenes. The plans I have for them are so much better now. I like thinking about them, gahh.

Bye.

tired.

I can't post later, so here I am now.

I'm gonna drift away from story stuff for a little bit.

So anyway, I'm tired. Want to know what's tiring?

Feelings. Feelings are tiring.

I'm tired of them.

I'm tired of the range of emotions I get every day.

They leave me tired.

I'm tired of the thoughts I get because of them.

I hate it all.

I hate not knowing. I hate feelings.

I don't know. I don't know.

Waking up with my stomach hurting every day because of things. Tired of it.

Tired of myself.

Not knowing what I want or where I'll go. Doubting how I'll live past the age of 18 sometimes.

Feeling not good enough.

Feeling like I'm ruining my life.

Feelings saying that it'll be better if I die.

And at the end of the day, I'm not panicking inside. Not falling apart. Not anymore.

It's tiring. Life is tiring.

I'm tired.