It's so cold here.

I can't think of a title, it's very cold, so that's the post title. Yeah sure.

I don't know what this is.

I haven't been checking this blog and any notifications I have for this one as much lately.

Yeah. I'm not sure why, but I think it might be because I'm kinda ashamed of my posts.

I don't know.

--------------

My ears hurt a little bit.

I was watching a video with my earbuds in, the volume suddenly became high (even though I had it on low), and this very loud static noise blasted into my ears.

It still hurts after all these hours.

-x-x-

When there's snow everywhere and when the sun is out, everything is so bright outside.

The other day, it hurt my eyes.

I got headaches.

-x-x-

I have short poem ideas.

They're not long at all.

They're short in length.

Let's see if I'll actually post them.

-x-x-

I'm having dreams that distress and disturb me.

Yes. Again.

I don't know what they could mean.

I just want them to stop.

Please stop.

Please.

-x-x-

oh hmm

Hi there.

(It's 7 am, Cutepups. Shouldn't you be going to school now?)

Well, here's the thing. I don't have school today, too. Yeah wow, got another snow day.

So yeah, here I am now. :)

Anyway, I made this post to be a (lazy) reflection of how I've been.

(?????? yeah idk just go with it).

I'm probably gonna regret how I started this year when it comes to how I've been posting. Oh well lol.

For the past few posts, I've been typing them when I feel very tired. And so, the quality of the posts isn't that great. Dang it, Cutepups, why must you start the new year with bad posts? Pfft.

I'm tired now, too. I'm probably gonna try to go back to sleep after posting this.

I first woke up because of my alarm for school, and then it was difficult for me to fall asleep because I heard loud noises outside my window. But the loud noises are gone for now, so maybe I'll be able to fall asleep again.

Yeah, I'm tired. Heck.

That skit on the previous post was so lazily done. It's so stupid. Geez.

(My skit quality is declining. Help me.)

Hmm.......

I technically do have things I could post that actually do have some quality. It's just that.. well.. I've been too tired whenever I open the create a new post page. Oh and quality posts are longer and require serious effort. So.. uh.. I'll get to posting those good posts soon. I'll try. I will.

(My friend and I are so bitter over our new class project. It's so much work, and it was assigned the day we got back from break. Projects are annoying and a hassle to complete. School makes me even more stressed, sad, and tired. Heck.)

Oh hmm....

I found this old post from last January. It was supposed to be my new year resolutions for 2017. Now I'm gonna check off them to see how much I accomplished in a year.

(Oh woe is me. Oh heck man is hecked. The weather is a wild card. It's windy and cold. It's currently 9 degrees F. In an hour, it'll drop to 8. The low is 2. The low tomorrow is -4. That's hecking cold. My room is always warm, I feel, though? Huh.)

The post lol: http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2017/01/improvement-seeking.html

Well, I was right when I said 2017 would be a difficult year for me. It was. But I bet (and definitely know as a cold, hard fact) that 2018 will also be a (much more) difficult year for me. It just will be. That's how it'll be. Life.. heh.

Anyway, time to check off what I listed in that post! ;')

1. Write more poetry- I did but only at the end of the year really, and they've all shared a theme of pain.

2. Write short stories- never did that. I did write some story chapters, though. 

3. Draw more- I guess I did? I'm not really proud of the art I made in the past year, though. 

4. Develop my OCs more- yeah, check. I've come a long way with it. In 2017, I developed all my main story characters a lot from where I left off the story in 2016. 

5. Draw different things- I drew my characters differently? But other than drawing them, I don't think I really drew anything else. I thought of drawing some fan-art from various shows, but I never did. 

6. Draw in different mediums since I have plenty I rarely use- I just used the same mediums I've always been using at home (pencils, colored pencils, markers, Sharpie). 

7. Be scared of people less- I'm still pretty darn scared of people. I've been thinking a lot more lately that I should seek help for my social anxiety or whatever the heck I actually have. 

8. Talk to people I consider my friends more instead of distancing myself away from them- okay, check. I've gotten a closer to a friend of mine irl in the past year. I've gotten even closer with my online friend/s. Definitely one. I try not to isolate myself from my friends, for the most part. I feel that makes me clingy, though? 

9. Not listen to the negative and destructive voice in my head- it's been very hard to block that negative and destructive voice out. Well, I could block out the destructive one by not actually doing anything physically destructive to myself (no matter how much I wanted to). It's been (and still is) very hard to silence my negative thoughts since they seem the most realistic and rational. Even though they're not. But to some degree, they are realistic and rational, and I know I've been feeling negative like that for a reason. I can't just.. ignore them. The future definitely exists, and I can't exactly reject its existence. 

10. Not be such an irritable jerk to my family- I'm still somewhat of an irritable jerk to them, but I've been trying to not act out as badly irritable as before. Doing that is hard though since I'm honestly always sadly jealous and irritable to some degree. 

11. Think and figure out a basis for what I want to do in college- well, I applied to colleges. I guess that's something? I didn't apply to any "prestigious" schools or anything. Yeah but I'm still not exactly sure what I'll do in college. And in that way, I'm still screwed for the future. Ahh. 

12. Not push people away- I don't think I pushed my friends away? Not as much as I used to, at least? I still push my family away sometimes. Opening up to people that are physically close to me is a whole lot harder than opening up to people online, and I don't know why? 

13. Not invalidate myself- to be honest, I invalidated myself a lot more this past year. It's hard not to. My brain can be such an @ss sometimes, and I hate the way I think about certain stuff. I'm still questioning my identity and the validity of mental health issues I might probably have. But I'm trying to accept them more. I invalidate myself a lot still, unfortunately. 

14. Ask for help if needed- maybe not when it comes to messaging my friends, but out loud and in person? I failed doing that. I probably really need help (for certain things), and I hate being scared of actually talking about those things even though I know I shouldn't be. 

15. Less hate, more love- I feel this way when it comes to my friends. There hasn't been much actual hate in 2017, I feel? I'm not sure if I showed more love in general, though. I kinda feel like I can't show love no matter in what form, and that I don't deserve love. So, that's that. 

And yeah. That was my list from last year. Wow. 

As for this year, I don't know if I have any new year resolutions. I'm still pretty hopeless and unmotivated, and I'm starting to not believe in new year resolutions that much anymore. We all end up breaking them a few weeks after January 1st, anyways. 

But I guess my main resolution is to.. survive. 

Because I know 2018 will be a year that'll try to break and kill me time and time again. 

Gotta survive despite it all. 

That's not really a resolution, but I can't really think of anything better at the top of my head. 

Maybe I'll just refer back to what I said last year. Specifically, numbers 1 and 11 to 15. 

There needs to be more love in this world. There's been too much hate in the past year. 

I still don't have that much emotional stability. My mood changes a bunch of times every day, and it tires me out. 

I'm still tired. It's almost 8 now. 

Hmm ok. Bye.

~ Cutepups <3 

New Year 2018 Skit (part 1)

[Date: January 1st. Time: 7:00 pm. Location: The usual skit scene (which would be based around the couch downstairs in the vague house's living room). Whatever happened to a holidays skit? What happened to doing that, Cutepups? I got too lazy and unmotivated to make a skit about that. Sorry pfft. Have this instead.]

Brock: So it's been two years since then.

Twinkle: Since what?

Brock: Our last new year's skit.

Twinkle: *looks at Brock, confused* It's been two years?

Brock: Yeah.

Twinkle: That would be January in the year of 2016.

Brock: Yep.

Twinkle: Okay.

[By the way, all my skit characters are in this skit thing. Supposedly.]

Duke: *wheezes?* Oh my god, that old skit. Yikes!

Finny: *looks at Duke with concern* Are you ok--

Brock: *interrupts Finny because he's so rude* Stop being drunk, drunkie!

Duke: *slams fist into couch cushion?* I'm not drunk, square head!

[Sparkle and Dawn enter the room.]

Sparkle: Why are you guys so immature?

Dawn: *sighs and joins them on the couch, sits next to Twinkle*

Brock: In the last new year's skit, Duke was actually drunk. And he was only 16.

Duke: *sighs* I'm older than you, Brock.

Brock: That's true, but I don't care.

Dawn: Hey Brock, when's your birthday?

Brock: I.. have no idea.

Dawn: You have no idea when your birthday is?

Brock: Nope!

Dawn: *looks at Brock with a weird and deeply concerned expression* Well.. uh.. okay then.

[I'm so tired. Why am I typing this now? Hmm.. Fierdan, Ryen, and I don't know who else enter the room skit scene. Oh mm.]

Duke: We were so naive back then. Remember what I said?

Ardere: *he entered the room with them, I guess* No. I wasn't even in that 2016 skit. Where was I?

Fierdan: Yeah, I wasn't in that skit either. Where was I? *stares at Duke* Were you trying to impersonate me, you fool?

Ryen: Oh and I was called Night back then. Why was I even called that? Night isn't my name. It's not even close to being my name.

Twinkle: *is so cool, so casual* Brock didn't know your name, Ryen, so he decided to call you, Night. Until your name was revealed, that was what we decided to call you.

Brock: Oh hey, Night. What's up?

Ryen: I don't know why I let you call me that.

Fierdan: *is no longer staring at Duke who is sitting obnoxiously on the couch* Yes, I have no idea why Brock decided to refer to you as the same name as my black bird affiliate.

Finny: Your what?

Fierdan: *sighs* My pet.

Duke: Oh, not this "pet" nonsense again.

Ryen: *coughs*

Fierdan: What the f*ck, Duke? No.. what the hell.. no! *shakes head*

Duke: Oh.. wait...

Fierdan: *sighs and takes out a loose thread on his shirt* What is it?

Duke: You think that Brock calling Ryen the word, Night, vaguely refers to our black bird affiliate.. which was kind of like your pet.. that we call Night Crow.

Fierdan: Wow, you figured it out. Finally.

Duke: I'm slow sometimes, okay? You don't have to be so rude about it.

Fierdan: You're a fool for forgetting about Night Crow.

Ryen: In his defense, none of us have seen or talked about the bird in a long time.

Fierdan: Shut up, nerd.

Ryen: *rolls eyes* You're never stable in these skits.

Fierdan: F*ck you! I'm never mentally stable!

Fauna: *sighs, she also entered the room with them* We get it, Fierdan. You're bitter that Duke took up both his and your identity in that old skit. I wasn't in that skit either. *faces Duke* What were you saying before?

Duke: Oh.. uh.. yeah. It was stupid of me to say that I was excited that 2015 was over. Because.. well, y'know.. 2016 ended up being a terrible year. Cutepups tried to erase us all from existence. That's worse than death.

Twinkle: 2016 was an awful year. We didn't know how much that year would suck back on the first day of the year.

Sparkle: 2017 was technically a little better, but that year was also one of the worst ones I remember experiencing.

Dawn: *sighs* Well, don't jinx it for 2018! This year has to be good! It has to, I tell you!

Duke: It better not be another bad year. I'm sick of all this sh*t.

Brock: You're sick of it?

Duke: Yes. Yes, I am.

Twinkle: *sighs* Why do you two keep on doing that?

Brock: Doing what?

Twinkle: Asking Duke.. like that.. when he says a sentence about how he feels.

Brock: Oh, I don't know why.

Twinkle: *sighs* 

[Finny suddenly jumps off the couch.]

Finny: I just realized something!

Duke: What is it, dude?

Finny: Way back then, Cutepups didn't refer to any of us as humans in the skits.

Duke: Oh god, those were dark times, my boy.

Finny: They seriously were.

Duke: Reminds me of the story universe. *shudders*

Dawn: Well, we're all humans in skits now.

Sparkle: Thank god.

Twinkle: Yeah, glad that's over.

Ardere: Oh, so that would mean--

Finny: Yeah, yeah.

Ardere: Huh? Okay.

Fierdan: I'm offended. Why was my brother in skits back then while I wasn't? I'm a more popular character than him.

Duke: Back then, Cutepups saw us as basically the same character. Their thoughts on us as characters has changed a lot since then. And so, we're two distinct characters in skits now.

Fierdan: Hmm...

Duke: Hey, that's the truth!

Fierdan: Okay.

[Cashier Girl No Lady has now arrived. Somehow. Yeah, just go with it. I got this, guys.]

Cashier Girl No Lady: So, umm.. it's the new year. Shouldn't we talk about that? For this year, I mean? It's 2018. We all know the past two years were horrible, but we have to live in the present. The past is in the past.

Brock: Wow, you're so beautiful and smart. I love you, Cashier Girl.

Cashier Girl No Lady: I know you do.

Fierdan: Oh hell no, we aren't ending the skit like that. There's no need to flirt right now.

Cashier Girl No Lady: What are you talking about?

Fierdan: There is no need to put straight romance into this.

Dawn: What are you talking about?

Fierdan: I'm stopping it before it starts.

Dawn: Before what starts?

Fierdan: Oh, you know...

Dawn: No, I don't.

Sparkle: *briefly laughs* There was straight romance at the end of that 2016 skit.

Twinkle: The past.. what a time. Yeet! *gets up off the couch*

.............

*nearly falls asleep on my keyboard*

Bye, ily!

~ Cutepups

huh....

Hi. I forgot to make a post yesterday, but I'm here now.

Well, my winter break ended. I had school today.

I already have this long and complicated and time-consuming project to do. 

*sighs* Ah...

But now I don't have school tomorrow. Snow day.

The hecking weather.. wow.. hmm. It's cold.

Anyway, I remembered I made a new year's skit in 2016 (and I really thought I made it in 2015, but apparently I did not).

I'm going to make a new 2018 new year skit. I forgot to type up that skit yesterday. Things happened, oops.

Sorry for the bad quality in my past few posts. I keep on posting when I'm really tired. 

Uh.. I'm going to post part 1 of the new skit. Now. Before I forget to again.

If anyone wants to diss past-me, here's the old 2016 new year skit post. I'm referring to it in my new skit.

(eww, past-me is gross, lmao.) http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2016/01/new-years-skit.html 

(read it so we can suffer together <3)

Yeah ah eh heh.

~ Cutepups

First Day 2018

Yeah, it's 2018 now. Huh wow.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

I don't have anything to post about right now, but I felt like posting something today.

Yeah umm. Hi.

I did stuff today. Nice. :)

Winter break is almost over. Not nice. :(

I might create a new year's skit tomorrow. Or one of these days. Well, soon.

2017 has finally died. I'm hoping this year doesn't suck.. as much.

So many things are gonna happen. Things that involve me. Yikes.

Heck...

Bye for now.

~ Cutepups <3

End of 2017

Hi, so it's the end of another year. Can't believe it's already been a year.

I spent today totally different than last year. Well, that's pretty obvious.

I don't have much time to type up a blog post, but I don't want to forget to make a new year's post.

It's 9:30 right now in my time zone, so in two and a half hours it'll be 2018.

2018.. wow yikes.

I really would like for 2018 to be a positive year.. but I doubt it.

A lot is going to happen this year. And it's all stressing me out.

I'm glad I didn't spend today alone. It's been a pretty good day.

Last year, I was waiting and celebrating new year's on a cruise. So that was nice. Pretty memorable. What I did today was also something new from what I did in previous years. So that's good, I guess.

Here's what I hope to post in 2018:

- more poetry
- more art of my characters
- start to draw fan-art
- what I call Twinkle's Story "season 3.. or 4" (I call the months' breaks between chapters "season breaks" lol)
- better writing in general lol (poems, stories, skits)
- posting about my life but with less sadness and death talk

Yeah, all that is pretty vague. I hope I can keep these basic promises.

I'm going to possibly try to improve and get help in this upcoming year. Actual, this time.

I was thinking of making a post about a specific topic yesterday, but then I lost track of time and forgot to make that post. I'll post it soon.

2018 just has to be a decent year. It just has to. But will it? I don't know. I don't want to hold any false high hopes.

About Twinkle's Story, I noticed a typo I made in Chapter 75 just today. I feel dumb for not noticing it before.

When I wrote, "conservation", I meant to write "conversation". I don't know why I mixed up the placements of the "s" and "v". It's bothering me now, ugh.

For each year I've been blogging, my end of year posts have been very different. I've definitely changed a lot from my first year of blogging. Those old times.. oh geez.

Oh heck.

I don't know what else I could say right now.

Happy New Year! :D

~ Cutepups <3

for possible future use

Wow, I'm typing this when I'm on the couch downstairs. I usually create posts when I lock myself in my room, so.. that's different. I'm sitting next to my sleeping dog who snores pretty loudly. Her head is in my lap. Aww.

Yesterday was a crappy day. It was.. mm.. bad.

Don't try to understand what this post is about, unless I explicitly inform you on what it's about. You won't get it.

That's okay, though. It's okay.

--------------------

- shattered
- hollow
- emptiness
- broken
- fragments
- desperate
- clinging
- trust (issues)

- love
- hate
- indifference
- stardust
- black holes
- void
- galaxies
- celestial
- iridescence
- worth(less)
- help(less)
- hope(less)
- worth(y)
- help(ful)
- hope(ful)
- contradictions
- change
- constant
- stagnant
- care(less)
- care(ful)
- emotion(less)
- emotion(al)
- spirits
- ghosts
- life
- death
- dawn
- dusk
- sunrise
- twilight
- sunset
- midnight
- morning
- afternoon
- night
- mourning
- grief
- alive
- dead

- black
- white
- blue
- bruises
- violet
- violent
- violence
- blood
- scars
- red
- crimson
- gray
- silver
- gold
- bronze
- spectrum
- thoughts

- cats
- dogs
- my pets
- dreams
- nightmares
- pain
- sorrow
- beginning
- ending
- start
- finish

- drowning
- burning
- water
- fire
- peace
- war
- youth
- old
- young
- fragile
- strength
- weakness
- illness
- health
- cold
- heat

- can't
- can
- won't
- will
- angels
- devils
- disguises
- manipulation
- anxiety
- breaking down
- error
- euphoria
- dysphoria
- hatred
- resentment
- sensitive
- apathy
- empathy
- sympathy
- compassion

- 12/31/17
- 2017
- 2018
- loneliness
- alone
- agony
- swords
- bones
- organs
- muscles
- skin
- fat
- skinny
- suicide
- homicide
- natural
- too soon
- too young
- (non)existent

- music
- soul
- meaning
- purpose
- inspiration
- art
- poetry
- stories
- fictional
- nonfictional
- realistic
- reality
- fantasy
- utopia
- dystopia

- rain
- sunshine
- snow
- light
- darkness
- stop
- go
- cloudy
- sunny
- winter
- spring
- summer
- fall
- healing
- recovery
- family
- friends
- support
- rejection
- acceptance
- cycles

...............................

~ Cutepups <3