more avatar makers but this time they’re me

... yeah. more avatar makers but this time they’re me.

I found more Picrew generators while wasting my life away on tumblr dot com.

I only made avatars of myself this time around.

pride-wrath month version !!!1!!1!

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From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/9264

oh boy that be me with those space ace vibes 

-x-x- 

From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/92653

heck yeah- ace and aro vibes. my aroace self is pleased. 

-x-x- 

From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/89533

oh worm? it’s me as an aro worm! 

-x-x- 

From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/92776

:0 !!! 

-x-x- 

From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/92310

rat with a hat. oh heck yeah!! 

(btw i hope you’re checking the links to the generators. it has info on who the artists are and where to find them- kinda sorta. ok, one more to go!)

-x-x-

From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/38734

owo uwu 

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

That’s all of them! :D 

........ the only activities that give me joy these days are making avatars of my characters and myself on Picrew, and watching/playing/reading the stuff by Nicky Case. 

https://ncase.me/ - Finally, I found something good to waste my life away spend time on. 

In other news, I feel sick. Sleeping the majority of the day but still feeling tired, despite not going anywhere all day sure.. well, it sucks. To be fair, my sleep quality is poor. It’s hard to sleep good when my nose is acting broken and refuses to let me breathe at all. It’s hard to breathe. My ears also hurt. Allergy medicine and ibuprofen didn’t help. I am still suffering. It’s been hours, and I tried them both more than once. But the pain is still here, dammit! It hurts! 

I also feel like I’m getting more and more depressed by the day, and if I have more energy and motivation to do anything physically in the “real world” I would say I’m getting more and more suicidal and having the urge to make my thoughts more than just thoughts by the day. 

I am directionless. I feel like a liar who manipulates people all the time. I avoided people who tried to help me. I can’t be saved if I refuse to save myself. I want, no I need, to get help, I have more resources now, but I’m a coward who can’t bring myself to talk to anyone irl about it in depth. 

me: shows nearly all the symptoms of a depressive disorder 

also me: are you sure you’re not just thinking yourself into being sad? 

(it’s not just being sad) 

It’s already July, and I still can’t get a job. I’m doing nothing. I see no point in doing anything. Every day I’m thinking about how much I have to die. Like, I have to. Even just changing something or that it’ll “get better” aren’t options for me anymore. My cursed brain thinks doing stereotypical self-harming behavior and then attempting suicide are rational things to do and the only option I have left at this point.

Thinking of going back to school makes me feel so restless and suicidal. Just bringing it up makes me want to die so badly. 

I’m tired of being this way. I’m tired of being me. 

But hey, creating avatars is something to do. I’m not sure if I can call them fun, but they’re pretty cute. 

Who cares about how I feel? I’m a failure, and that’s a fact! I screwed up so many things, and I hate myself for it all the time. 

I’m not like him! I hate myself for that too. I want to tear myself apart. 

I hate not being good enough. 

I don’t matter. I don’t deserve to. I’m a waste of space. I’m useless, worthless, hopeless. 

You can think I’m a good person, but I’m pretty sure I’m a bad person in the end. Every damn time. 

,,,,,,,,, bye. 

updated some blog pages

... and by that, I mean three of them. 

Anyway........

It’s the 4th of July. 

(ha ha haa haaa aaaaaaaaaaa)

I’m just here to tell you folks that I...

1. Made a new page with my music playlists. It’s called “Music Playlists” which fits. Yeah. Sure it does.

2. Updated my “Audio” page.

3. Updated my “Interactive” page. 

So I did that. 

The “Audio” and “Interactive” pages can be found from the “Support Page” one. 

I put more apps and games on the list. 

But I felt sad after finding out the quiet place project doesn’t work anymore. None of the links for it work. 

................... God I feel awful. 

I loved using the quiet place project a few years ago. I didn’t even notice it was down. 

And one of the online games on my list went down, which in turn, made me feel down. 

But it’s ok because I found a new link to the same game. 

Yeah. Ok. Sure. 

I’m thinking of adding more games to the list. 

Games are fun. They kinda fill the emptiness within my heart. 

ayy~ :^) 

Will I come back? I don’t know. 

I feel awful. 

I want to leave. 

So yeah. 

(ha ha oof)

Goodbye. 

~ Cutepups 

oop s

No, I didn’t write a skit at 2 am. I still didn’t write a skit. Sorry to disappoint y’all. 

My house lost power and wifi for a few hours though. So, uh, that kinda sucked. 

Also went to visit a family member in the hospital. (he’s fine though) 

idk what else to put here lol 

I’m still adding songs to my playlists pretty often. Some of them are over 24 hours long. ;) i’m-obsessed *cough* 

*tries to think of anything else to say*

........ ok, got something. 

My characters sorted into Hogwarts Houses. (well, actually two that fit each of them the best. each person gets two houses because fu— because i said so.) 

• Duke/Fierdan (I’m counting them together): Slytherin / Gryffindor 

• Twinkle: Gryffindor / Hufflepuff

• Ryen: Ravenclaw / Slytherin 

• Dawn: Hufflepuff / Ravenclaw 

• Ardere: Hufflepuff / Gryffindor 

• J___: Hufflepuff / Slytherin 

• Fauna: Ravenclaw / Hufflepuff 

(yeah idk lol)

...... ok, that’s all I’m doing. 

~ Cutepups 

more characters in avatar makers

More characters in avatar makers- yes.

I felt like making avatars of these characters.

So that’s why. Ok.

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From this generator (again): https://picrew.me/image_maker/42843

Ardere! :D 

I love how this Ardere one turned out. My boy,, <3 

Dawn! :’) 

Heck yeah, she’s in a suit. <3 

(or like, a school uniform, but whatever..)

-x-x- 

From this generator (again): https://picrew.me/image_maker/19138

(who is he?)

Well, uh....

He’s supposed to be J___ at the boring business job that Ryen and Fierdan from this avatar maker work at. J___ looks dead inside lmao omg. He doesn’t like boring work, pfft. His dark circles have gotten darker. He hasn’t slept in ages. He already falls asleep very late (so does Fierdan), therefore having a 9-to-5 hour workday isn’t working that well for him (and Fierdan). Save him... 

At least he kept his tie on. But his shirt isn’t buttoned all the way. Dang it. 

J___ here also looks a bit similar to at least one of my other characters. Ahem, one of my un-named ones. 

Hmm, maybe he looks unhappy because his hair isn’t dyed and is in a boring haircut. 

(so boring ikr, so unlike him ikr)

-x-x-

Here’s a bonus! :)

From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/42680

(who are they?)

This character was originally supposed to be Twinkle, but when I was almost done creating this avatar, it turned into J___ a little bit. I think it looks like both of them, haha. 

And so, this avatar is a combination of them. It’s the two of them as one person. 

Oh gosh, I love them. ;w; 

.... they both see blood, bleed, and deal with blood. ok- 

I guess the hat and necklace count as a costume for them. 

And yes, I’m using they/them characters for my Twinkle/J___ combination character. 

*going on a tangent* 

I think about the relationship between J___ and Fierdan a lot because theirs is very strong. (they eventually become lovers on top of best friends, get with the program..)

But like. J___ and Twinkle have a (totally different type, mind you) connection as well. 

*cough* J___ “saved” Twinkle, Duke, and Fierdan (story 1 and 2+). *cough, cough* 

(what does “saved” mean? idk, in a variety of ways and no this has nothing to do with romance actually what no-) 

........ though J___ and Fierdan do at some time in the hypothetical future get something that might be romantic if I even have the ability to define it (me and my dumb aro ass). 

............... they’re also rather.. lustful? on their stats for the seven deadly sins, it’ll probably be like this: 

Fierdan: wrath, lust, greed 

Ryen: wrath 

...... actually, that’s all I’ve got. 

(wait, where’s J___?) 

uh what- 

Fierdan at some point in his 20s becomes rather very sexual. hMM PROBLEMatic!!!1!1!!1! 

Anyway, J___ is a good friend. Towards Fierdan, towards Twinkle, towards the majority of the protagonist characters squad. :) 

............. it kinda amuses me how I might have gotten you guys interested in J___ while I never properly wrote anything that he’s in. 

He’s pretty problematic himself. He’s not a G-rated character. He’s like, idk, R-rat rated. Maybe a strong PG-13. 

(that’s only supposed to be rat joke that’s only for myself.) 

..................... don’t worry, I never write these days. 

*gets the urge to write a skit at 2 am* oh 

well, uh, bye! 

~ Cutepups 

It’s July apparently

For some reason, I think I made a post with the same title but with a different month. ... yeah idk. 

Anyway...

Hi. It’s July, apparently. Time sure is passing by... quickly... great...... 

(the text is supposed to be getting smaller in size ^^)

So, uh, the party was good. I guess. *shrugs*

What else? Uh...

Well, I made different characters with the Picrew generators I recently posted. Now I have more avatars of my characters, haha. I’m not going to post them now though because I’m typing this on the app, and it doesn’t allow me to insert images into my posts on here. So, you know, whatever. I’ll do that later. 

On a random note- my nose hurts all over, even the bridge of my nose feels weird.. and as per usual, it feels like i can’t breathe through my nose. 

thANKS BOdy!!1!1!!!one!! :-} 

It’s been like this since yesterday too. Ugh..

me: *stares at my phone, considering whether or not to mention that other stuff i might think of including in blog posts* 

also me: nah, i’ll do that another time. 

cycle: *repeats over and over again* 

I spent the last few hours on YouTube watching videos on disorders and disabilities. Why? I don’t even know. 

Haha uhhhh ok,,,,, 

oh oh oh wait—

I had a stressful dream, but there was this giant dog with dark brown fur and a lighter brown chest and paws and a white muzzle or just around that region in general in it, and that dog was huge and had a :3 face. Haha, that was the best part of that dream. 

........... yeah uhh huh—

Alright, alright. Goodbye. 

~ Cutepups 

Spoiler: My mental health isn’t the best (or, like, my health in general *pfft*), and I’ve been using avatar makers in order for me to visually show you guys what my characters look like because I hate everything I draw these days.... just kidding, I haven’t been drawing much lately. But seriously, my health is far from the best, and I’ve been making those characters as avatars from X or Y generator posts to distract myself from posting about more... serious things, let’s say. 

Ok! That’s it for now. 

Goodbye. <3

oh huh time huh

Finally, a post not about making avatars of my characters. 

...... Why am I making a post again? 

Well.. uh.... umm...........

June is almost over. It’s almost July. 

At this time last year, I was in France. 

That was a year ago. It’s been a year. 

Wow. 

Well, folks.. a lot changes in a year. 

.... haha oops. I still barely posted any of my pictures from that trip. 

According to my phone, I was at Giverny and Vernon on this date (June 29th) last year. 

I keep on forgetting to show my pictures. oof- 

...... The point of this post is to emphasize how much I obsess over the past. :-) 

.... sorry, what was that? what? ///////////-//////-////;-:/;///

And today, I’m going to a cousin’s party. 

So.. yeah ok. 

............. I feel like I haven’t been using this blog as much. Huh, this is a weird feeling. 

...... Picrew was like the only thing that entertained me the past several days. Maybe that’s why I’ve been using the generators on it so often lately. 

umm ok,,,,,,

Anyway, I think of my characters as being their own people. Like, they exist outside of the plot of a story. They have their own lives. Their poor mental health affects how they live. And it’s not just because of one event or even a series of events. I don’t think it’s just a plot point. 

I had that line of thinking for a few days, so I felt like just putting it in a post. 

that makes no sense, but ok. 

Disclaimer: Even though I think of my characters so much that I imagine them as complex people that exist outside of the story’s plot and conflict, I still don’t think they’re anywhere on the same level as real people that live in the real world. They’re fictional, but since they’re my characters they seem so “real” to me. I want to make their mental health struggles be as realistic as I can make them be, I don’t want to romanticize any of the... immoral content and anything regarding mental health/illnesses/disorders.... but that doesn’t mean fictional characters and real people can be comparable or be equivalent to each other. They are not the same. 

If you refuse to understand that, then I’m wary of you. 

................... uh ok well uh, thanks for that, random line of thinking I’ve had in mind for days now. 

That’s it for this post. Maybe I’ll return later. Who knows. 

Not me. 

~ Cutepups 

Mad Sad Bros- as working adults

By mad sad bros, of course I mean Ryen and Fierdan. XD

Using this avatar maker makes me think of them looking a little older than their (or around their) current ages.

It also makes me think of them having business jobs for some reason..?

(uh ok sure thing, cpups...)

From this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/19138

Ryen

Fierdan 

Omg what is this?! Ryen smiling and looking somewhat happy while Fierdan is not? That's so different!

Haha, I felt like changing it up. :')

Ryen is pleased to wear his business suit, but Fierdan is too tired to wear his tie and have his shirt buttoned up to the collar for the entire work day. (that's probably a run-on sentence, but oh well!)

Fierdan looks so annoyed and/or uncomfortable, and I find that adorable!

They both have dark circles under their eyes because they definitely never get enough sleep. *cough* they're both traumatized and depressed brothers *cough* like bro...

I like the lighting and shading features in this generator. I think it kinda makes their skin look more.. realistic? yeah idk.

...... If Ryen's eyes were brown, he would look very much like Z. (hmm :/)

oof-

Sometimes *cough* yesterday morning *cough* my body refuses to work the way I want it to, and that annoys me greatly. :/ 

I went driving on the turnpike today. (gotta go fast!- sonic)

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.... bye bye-