Hi. I spent the last few hours drawing a picture of Fierdan from that I dream I mentioned in the previous post. I started and finished a drawing, with coloring and a background, all in one day.
Wow, look at me go. I impressed myself. :D
I had the urge to draw Fierdan in the specific outfit I had in mind. I just had to.
heh heh heh heheheheheheheh ;)
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Yes. I imagined him wearing...:
Fishnet leggings. Short black shorts (what are they called, booty shorts? lol). I don't completely remember what he wore for his top, so I improvised 😏. I forgot if he wore a nearly see through T-shirt or crop top.. or a fishnet shirt. I decided to draw a fishnet shirt for him. What else? Oh yeah.. That. 😏
I have a thing again for imagining Fierdan wearing lingerie. I think he was wearing lingerie in my dream, but I forgot what it looked like. So I drew this lingerie top for him. At first, I tried drawing lace, but I quickly gave up on that, so now he's wearing... red straps? red leather straps? Do I know the words of things? Of course not.
I also added a black spiked choker around his neck, and a red wristband that says "F*CK" around his right wrist. Why? Because.. it's a look.
The outfit I gave Fierdan is a whole look.
😏😈😳😈😏😳 ehehehehehehehehehehehhhhhhh
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I also imagined him singing on a concert stage with light purple stage lights.
And since he's Fierdan, I felt like adding small orange and black flames around him. Fierdan showing his fire while performing at a concert... come on, he would totally do that. Well, when he doesn't have to hide from the general public for having pyrokinesis.
Plus, Fierdan was very seductive in that dream I had. In what he was singing and what he was wearing.
Fierdan out here trying to be sexy. 😳 Sexy Fierdan. 😏
Fire is hot. Flames,,,,, sexy. 🔥🔥
~ idk what else to say, so... have this unnecessary blank space ~
Hi. I have the urge to write a post about a dream I had this morning.
Damn, ok, brain. 😳
*pauses to laugh and collect my thoughts*
As you can tell from the title, I had a dream about Fierdan. I didn't have a dream about him in a while. I didn't expect myself to have in my dreams when I was getting my 5 to 6 hours of sleep I get on Monday mornings.
The dream was so unexpected. I'm... idk what to even say. XD
Uh...
I swear, too many of my posts make it look like I'm thirsting for him and no No NO. f uck_
Umm...
aNYWAY—
(I was busy attending 2 of my 3 Monday classes, so now I have time to write a stupid blog post. I have a longer break before my last class.)
hhhhhfhhffghfhfhfhfghhfhfhfierdamn
(I'm not going to include the link to the design maker in this post since I already put the link in other posts.)
The Dream >;D
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(Omg why do I have the urge to post this?? lmao)
I haven't listened to this song in a while, but it kept playing in my dream. Having the dream made me want to listen to the song, so I'm doing that. *plays song on repeat*
(idk how to write. sorry. i am trying.)
lmao ok so uhhhhh—
In my dream, Fierdan kept on calling himself both "Fierdan" and "Daniel". Even in the same sentence. I (Dream me?) thought it was odd but also satisfying how he used both names for himself.
And the people listening and watching him got confused because they were like "What do we call him? Fierdan or Daniel? I don't know! Ahh!"
It was pretty funny. I know I'm making no sense. XD
Yes, take control of your name! 🔥🔥
I know that Fierdan is my creation and all that, but it's such a pleasant surprise hearing his voice in my dreams. Hearing him call himself "Daniel" with confidence. Gosh, that makes me emotional.
I already made posts explaining his feelings on his birth name (which is Daniel). He has such a hatred, like a repulsion, of being referred to as Daniel. He disconnects himself from Daniel and becomes Danny and Fierdan.
However. Years later (probably when he's in his mid-to-late 20's; to put it in perspective, Fierdan in stories 1 and 2 is either 22 or 23), he becomes far less of a.. well.. self-destructive impulsive man full of intense anger. He eventually reclaims Daniel again. And then, he refers to himself as Daniel in addition to Danny and Fierdan (depending on who he's around: Fierdan is like an edgy "fear me" nickname, and Danny and Daniel are names used for people he's closer/more comfortable with (basically all of my other protagonists)).
Adding to that, there are lots of characters outside of the main characters I have talked about. They're all very close since they work together and are a team and all that. (I'm not proofreading this. lmao). Among them (Stella, Jack, Dawn, Ryen, Dylan, Elias), Fierdan can be more "himself" than around the people outside of the group.
"Fierdan" is like a mask, a persona. It's not the "real" him. (I just call him Fierdan most often since that's easier.)
Not having only bad memories tied to hearing "Daniel".. being able to reclaim the name for himself.. saying it with confidence..... the growth. Z not tainting his name anymore. Healing from his trauma which started from Z. It makes me emotional. Fire man df 🔥🖤
(Z (Fierdan's father) made Fierdan hate his birth name. Z tainted "Daniel" and made him disconnect himself from the name. Only years later (probably after years of psychotherapy), does Z finally have less power over him. Like yes ok, Fierdan killed Z, but Z still controlled Fierdan a ton. So when he finally is like "No, fuck that. Daniel is my name. It's mine." ... it's so satisfying. Fuck you, Z.)
(omg this is so off-topic from what i intended on writing about)
Know what's satisfying? Fierdan and Jack taking off their "masks" and revealing their "real" names. No clever nicknames. No more personas. Just their authentic selves. ("Fierdan" is a nickname; "Jack" is a nickname.)
Ahem. Anyway, back to my dream. (lmao)
So in my dream, Fierdan referred to himself as both "Fierdan" and "Daniel" which confused people watching and listening to him. And why were people doing that? Well, you see...
Fierdan was a singer, performing at a concert in my dream. I forgot the context for why he called himself by his names. He referred to himself in first-person too. I forgot the details.
"Hey, it's Fierdan." "Hey, it's Daniel." ... idk what he said. Ugh, damn it. He also sounded like he was flirting. (??? idk what i'm even typing)
He looked pretty similar to this picture:
the hair,, the mouth,, what he's doing with his hands,,
He just had those vibes in my dream. XD
He was such a huge flirt in my dream too. I did not expect that.
And his singing was different from other dreams I had of him singing. The mood was completely different. There weren't depressing songs this time. In this dream, his songs were just.. well.. they were way more sexual than violent.
Damn, ok, Fierdan. Go off. 😳
my mind: hhhhhfffhfgfhfgfhfgfhfghgfhfhfhhffh (gibberish)
😳😈😳😈😳😈
I forgot what he exactly sang. I only remember him singing a cover of this song. Yes, Fierdan singing a cover of it would mean it's a cover of a cover.
I wasn't even thinking of this song. I don't know why I dreamed of Fierdan singing it.
Fierdan's singing voice. Damn. 🔥🔥(his voice is fire ;D ok heheheh)
Me: dreams of Fierdan singing a cover of this song at his concert because he's apparently also a famous singer now (??)
The song:
MONSTER - Aruvn (cover of the vocaloid song by KIRA that GUMI sings)
*laughs at myself and my hell brain*
Fierdan was very seductive at his concert too. And I.. I have no explanation for that.
I swear, I do not control him. I mean, yeah, he's my character, but I do not control all of his actions. He's just doing his own thing. XD
Oh yeah. Instead of singing the line that goes "Ah, it could've been so different between us, but then you went and messed everything up." Fierdan, being extra, had to say "fuck" in everything he sang. So he sang it as "Ah *says it like a seductive sigh*, it could've been so different between us, but then you went and fucked everything up." and him singing it like that.. god fucking damn it. Why am I falling for a voice I can only hear in my dreams? What the heck, brain? Ahhhhhh—
I want to hear it as "fucked up" now. Damn. I wish I could listen to Fierdan's version of the song again. It was such a good cover.
I love Fierdan's (and Duke's) singing voice(s). hhhhhhhh
I also realized that Fierdan started the song by saying "Let me introduce myself" in a lower octave and slower than in the actual song (the video ^). His voice: sounding like he's threatening and flirting with people listening to him at the same time. The second time he said that line he somehow said it more seductively than the first time.
And it was obvious that him saying the "Did ya?" and "Baby" parts at the beginning of the song sounded like him flirting. Like, boy, who are you flirting with? Your fans in general?
hhhhhfhhfhffhhfhfffgffhffhfhfhfhfh
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I must go. I have to get ready for class.
(I'm not proofreading this post. If only I find this post able to be comprehended, then so be it! I'm crazy!)
I've been feeling very tired all day. My head feels weird.
[???????????]
I'm so bored and lonely. :-(
The brain fog is intense today.
I slept enough hours. I drank water. I drank green tea. I walked outside.
What's your deal, body? That's not cool. :/
Anyway. Uh.
I finally go home on Wednesday. For Thanksgiving. The semester isn't over yet.
I miss my cats so much. This semester has been feeling unbearable.
Wait. Actually.
The only bearable thing was how I had "game night" usually every week with a new group of friends I made on campus. They're cool people. Nice indeed. It was fun playing games with them. :)
Anyway...~
Every day, my brain malfunctions and I go on that Picrew website. Yes, I "cope" (technically not coping but whatever) by making Picrew designs of myself and my characters.
“Are you me or are you normal?” — that’s my catchphrase that plays in my head all the time. 24/7.
I’m not normal. Never was. Never will be.
//ARE YOU ME OR ARE YOU NORMAL?//
“!! hyper! happy! energy! :D” (short amount of time later) “... lowkey feeling suicidal. i have the urge to kill myself.” (switching between these multiple times a day).
What’s the real me? What’s my identity?
I don’t fucking know! My mind is a carousel and full of static. I keep on feeling dizzy only inside my head.
I love you. I hate you. I love you. I want to kill you. I want to kill myself.
//HIGH. LOW. HIGH. LOW. HIGH. LOW. HIGH. LOW.//
I read very disturbing and graphic content for my classes. Most of my reading assignments are like that.
//IT GETS IN MY HEAD. AND IT STAYS THERE. MY MIND DISTORTS IT AND I’M THE PREDATOR. I’M REPULSED. WHAT IF I’M CAPABLE? I’M CAPABLE. WHAT IF? I DON’T TRUST MYSELF. I DISTRUST THESE HANDS.//
//KILL. KILL. KILL. KILL. I’M A MURDERER IN THE MAKING. AND I’LL BE MY FIRST VICTIM.//
I want to throw up all the bad. I want to stab a knife through my head. Feel the blood dripping down my forehead.
Expel the evil out. Bad person. Bad friend. Bad blogger (or whatever the fuck this place is).
Spiraling. Relapsing. Regressing. I’m going nowhere. No progress. Not even making any effort to.
They’re not coming back! They’re gone! God damn it.
//SHE DIED. SHE DIED.//
Trauma. Trauma. Trauma. Trauma in the stories. Trauma in the memories. Trauma in the records. It’s not okay! That’s not okay!
it’s not it’s not it’s not it’s not it’s not it’s not it’s not it’s not it’s not—
//TRAUMATIC. TRAUMATIZED. THEY FUCKED ME UP. I CAN’T TRUST MYSELF. I DON’T KNOW THE REAL ME. THEIR WORDS ARE BULLETS SHOT OUT OF GUNS AND I’M COVERED IN BULLET HOLES. NOT EVERYONE HAD THAT SHIT HAPPEN TO THEM. NOT EVERYONE LIVES IN FEAR OF PEOPLE THEY LOVE. NOT EVERYONE HAS A COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR LOVED ONES. WITH THEIR BLOOD.//
I impulsively overshare.
I regret it.
And I do it again. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Again.
//THEN I PUSH THE BLADE IN...//
~*StATiC*~
This isn’t real. This is a simulation.
Make it stop moving. Make it stop!
I don’t exaggerate. But...
Welcome to the show!
The commercial break is over.
Welcome back.
//WAKE THE FUCK UP!//
And go back to sleep.
This isn’t you. This isn’t me. This isn’t you. This isn’t me.
//WHO ARE YOU? WHO AM I? WHO THE FUCK ARE WE?//
Peel the skin around my fingers off. Pick at scabs. Tie a noose with my guts. Put my hand inside my chest and take out my heart.
Take it out! Turn it off! Make it stop!
I have no identity. Chronic emptiness. I feed on others’ feelings.
Give me something. I need it.
//I NEED IT. I’M OBSESSED. I’M ADDICTED. I NEED IT.//
This post will cover lots of sensitive topics. Reader discretion is advised.
Content warning for sexual mention stuff, mental health stuff, murder, csa (I guess?), more mental health shit, and drugs/addiction. I think that’s it. (*Everything listed after the first time I put “mental health” is only put in fictional contexts.)
+ Oh and I swear a lot in this post.
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Wtf is wrong with me? Wtf am I doing? wtf—
Why—
Why did I suddenly remember a few minutes before I decided to make this post about those specific horny Duke posts I wrote?
I’m—
😳 No! No linking to those posts. I shall not. 😠😤
(These emojis better show up, I swear to [redacted].)
Uhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhggghggdgsgsgsgahha
Why the fuck have I been feeling so physically 🦏🐃🐂
(What the fuck does that mean, Shan?)
Shh. Be quiet, hypothetical blog viewer.
Me? Feeling like a liar and a fraud? More likely than you think!
My mental health has been absolute shit lately. I’m losing it, lads.
I have anxiety/panic attacks, sensory overload, fast mood swings, and seconds to minutes straight where I zone out pretty often now.
Shit. I’ve been staring blankly at the closet thing in my college dorm for around a minute, and I forgot what I was going to say next. 😶😐
Earlier this week, I felt dizzy a lot. But also not dizzy. It felt like my brain left my head, and fog and static filled the hole in my head. Since my brain left it. That’s what it felt like. I’m not even kidding. That’s how it felt. And no, I wasn’t even moving when these moments of dizziness hit. I was just lying on my bed when suddenly my brain felt like it was either spinning in circles in my head or left my head.
Haha! That sure was disorienting! ;P
I’m real. I exist. I’m real. I exist. *starts crying*
Yes, I’m bitter that they got rid of the air conditioning in my dorm building (and obviously my room). It’s been in the 60s and 70s Fahrenheit this week. Temperature in the 60s feels warm to me. Having a small fan and the windows opened barely helped me feel any better. Today hasn’t been as bad. But earlier this week? Oh gosh, that was awful. I felt like I was suffocating in my dorm. I swear the heat made me dizzy and have headaches.
Yes, ugh, I have been sleeping and drinking water. Ok. Goddddd 🙄
........ it’s murder time! 😈 🔪
haha jk. unless 😳
I’m kidding. Probably.
My shitty father character who doesn’t deserve to be called a father because he’s so shitty and terrible, Z. He, you see, was a murderer. Well, sort of.
Unlike Fierdan, who I emphasized so many times on here already that he violently killed Z himself (damn, that’s fucked up, yo!), Z had lots of social power that he ordered people who worked for him to kill people for him. Z ordered people to kill lots of other people. Z probably never killed anyone himself though.
I guess the term for Z is being involved in several murders by proxy. And he was the one who ordered for the murders to be committed.
People included in the list of deaths Z ordered for include C (the mother of Ryen, Fierdan, and Dawn) and C’s new husband (Dawn’s father). Yes. Z sunk that low. Z had no ounce of empathy, sympathy, or compassion in his soul.
Fun fact! ;) If I think of everything Z did, I risk having intrusive thoughts and feeling sick to my stomach. Fun fun fun!!!!!! ;D (i’mnolongerfeelinghornyfornodamnreason)
Z did very fucked up things. I hate him. He is the scum of my story universe. If he was buried in a grave in the earth, I like to imagine Fierdan and Ryen pissing on his grave. :-)
............. csa stands for childhoodsexualabuse
In addition to all the homicides he ordered for, Z was also a child abuser. He abused his sons and Dawn (who pretty much should’ve filled the role of daughter for him). A lot.
Z was a terrible, terrible man. >:(
....... Z was a child molester. He molested at least one child. Dawn.
Not because of sexual attraction or desire. Oh, no no no. Z wasn’t a pedophile. He only decided to sexually abuse her because he had so much more power and control over her.
Dawn was a filthy rag to Z. He felt like he could use her as he pleased.
Z might’ve also sexually abused Ryen when he was younger before Dawn became part of their lives. But in a, well, different way.
I can’t even go into extreme details because the story ideas for this stuff is very disturbing (as you can probably imagine lol). This stuff could like actually trigger me. But it’s part of my characters’ histories anyway! Because I said so. Fuck my mental health. Who gives a fuck about me? I sure don’t.
Pre-Fierdan (Kid Danny) being the sweet and naive boy that he was sure was oblivious to the horrors his brother and half-sister faced. :’(
So yes. A reason Fierdan killed Z was for him to take revenge on Z for all the horrific acts Z did to Dawn and Ryen.
I’ve touched on Fierdan having PTSD, and I want to emphasize that Ryen and Dawn also have PTSD. They just show symptoms differently. They’re all severely traumatized.
All because of Z. 😠 🔪
Mental health shit (continued):
I’m having a hard time deciding whether I should make Fierdan have depression in addition to his PTSD.. or bipolar disorder. Hmm....... yeah, I don’t fucking know what to do for him.
I know Ryen has depression, specifically major depressive disorder, in addition to his PTSD. He’s also a recovering alcoholic. He used to suffer from alcoholism.
Then in a rehab center, he met Jack. They got to know each other well. Especially regarding their addictions. For a long while, they’ve helped each other out on their journeys to try and quit their addictions. They held each other accountable.
And it’s ja boi time! ;D
All I know for sure is that Jack has ADHD and is a recovering (at least he’s trying his best) drug addict.
He didn’t really cope with his ADHD and get properly treated for it when he should’ve had. Instead of getting proper medication for his ADHD, he sought street drugs.
I’m still not entirely sure which drug or drugs Jack used and eventually got addicted to. Probably stimulants.
Jack is also a smoker, but he only smokes occasionally when Fierdan (and company lol) enter the picture. Or when Jack enters the picture. It doesn’t matter.
......... I’m leaning towards having Jack be a cocaine addict. And possibly addicted to other drugs. But yeah. I don’t know shit.
That’s it. I’m done.
College makes me want to kms. *knife emoji knife emoji knife emoji knife emoji*
🔪🔪🔪🔪
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Oh shit. I forgot to mention that Dawn has a dissociative disorder. I’m not that sure which one she exactly has. But she has one. I know that much.
