heyo (another very short post)

Hey guys. It's Cutepups. I'm alive. Yes. :) 

So far, so good. The trip has been great so far. 

Went to Paris and some other towns. I took lots of pictures. (hehe) 

I'll show them later though. Got a long day tomorrow. It's nighttime. 

And so...

Good night (even though the time will probably show up as 4 or 5 something). ^-^ 

~ Cutepups (but now, in France!) :p 

leaving now, see ya later :)

Hi. Ignore when I said "dA" in my last post. I copied and pasted it from a journal I wrote on my deviantart. 

Anyway, I'm leaving now. 

I hope to take some pictures for you all to see. 

That's it. Bye. 

~ Cutepups <3 

just copying this from my dA

That writing dump I posted earlier today? I typed that from 1 to just before 3 am. I post what I type out way faster than my much older poems that I have started writing down on paper. I have more poems; I'm just too lazy to post them. I think they're better than the recent ones I put on here, so I'm not sure why I don't just post them already. 

(I also really hate my body a lot now. So now I'm even more nervous about my trip.) 

Oh. The three main "you"s in my writing dump are: my brother, my friend, and my grandma. 

I'm only going to France with my grandma. So, well, that's new for me. Just us two. Huh wow. 

But what I said in there is all true. (That's bad, S! :/ (I know)) 

I've been trying to genuinely believe I'm happy/positive/optimistic, but I keep on having bouts of anxiety (and regrets). Especially before, during, and after the previous "big" events I had this month. It kinda sucks how I can't really be "normal" like the rest of the people there. I just end up doing something I regret, and it worsens my anxiety, and I hate myself lmao. 

It be like...:
Me: I'm gonna stay happy and positive this time! I'll have a good time! 
Me: *messes up, has awkward encounter, overthinks, etc.*
Anxiety: Hey >:} 

I'm so tired of this. It's like I can't even fully enjoy anything without anxiety resurfacing. 

I'm so scared that I'm really just a burden/disappointment to everyone in my life, and that I only end up letting them all down. Especially with what I did/didn't do. 

I'm so tired of myself. I try to believe I'm better because hey, at least I don't seriously consider dying every day now. At least I'm not completely hopeless/worthless anymore. I know people care about me. 

But who am I kidding? I still find it hard to believe them when they say that. Most of the time, I think they're lying to me to make me feel better because they know how mentally screwed up I am. And when I do take their words to heart, it still hurts. Even if their words are bandages and no longer knives. 

I try to have a good time, but anxiety keeps on getting in the way. It's hard to stay comfortably happy when that's going on. I'm trying but it's not really working. 

I have wifi on the ship in France. (I'm going on a cruise there.) So there's a chance I could check dA when I'm in France. Maybe. Possibly. 

I can't think of anything else to add here. I guess that's it. Bye. 

- S.

-------------

except at this time i'm posting on here, i'll be on the flight to paris. 

i'm very tired. bye for now. 

you you you

[one am poetry dump. language and sensitive content warnings. they're all true. ///] 

-x-x- 

i'm trying 

i'm trying 

i'm trying 

i'm trying so hard 

but no matter what 

it's never good enough 

it's not noticeable 

as if i didn't change at all

but i did 

i did change 

i tried 

i tried so fucking hard 

but you can't notice it

because whatever i do is

never good enough for you 

-x-x-

i've been trying 

to be happy

i tried to be happy 

but life doesn't like that 

i try to be positive 

but life doesn't like that 

i'm sorry i've let you down 

not like any one of you 

in this damn house 

cared to notice and

appreciate the difference 

i can't be genuinely happy 

i really did try this time 

but i failed 

i'm sorry 

-x-x-

i thought i knew you 

but you're just another stranger to me now 

i thought i knew you

but it turns out i don't know you at all 

guess you could say the same thing 

about me 

i didn't expect you to change that much 

i thought i knew you

you thought you knew me 

but it turns out 

we don't know each other at all 

we're not siblings 

we're strangers 

we don't know each other at all 

-x-x-

the distance started with 

a crack in the sidewalk 

and the crevice only grew bigger 

now we're nearly oceans apart 

i'm sorry i keep on doing the same 

bullshit every single time we 

speak and see 

i'm sorry i keep letting you down 

i only end up disappointing you 

i'm sorry i can't even open up to you 

i can't open up about myself easily 

i'm sorry i keep on ruining our relationship 

i keep on fucking things up for us 

i know you're trying to build a bridge 

and i know i keep on burning that bridge 

before it can even function as one 

the distance between us is too vast 

for us to close it up in one night 

i know you're sitting there next to me 

but we both know we're worlds apart 

i know i'm more a 

stranger than sister 

and you're more a 

stranger than brother now 

than ever before 

and i'm sorry 

for only offering you silence 

maybe we're not good for each other 

sorry for cutting ties 

i can't do it 

i'm sorry 

-x-x-

you told me that 

you would only like me 

if i'm drunk and high 

sorry again for letting you down 

i'm not getting drunk and high 

just to make you happy 

just to make you feel better about me 

but i'm thirsty 

and i want these thoughts out of my head 

maybe i'm not that clean anymore 

-x-x- 

i'm tired of being nervous and worrying 

all the time on a daily basis 

about some stupid shit 

i'm sick from anxiety 

but that doesn't mean i'm going to

smoke until i get high 

so you won't have to deal with my nervous ass 

and witness me opening up about 

whatever the fuck you want 

i wish i could talk more 

and maybe even be normal 

i'm not getting high for you 

i'm sorry about that too 

-x-x- 

we're just strangers 

we're nothing more than strangers 

who barely know each other 

perhaps the only thing we do know is

each other's name 

-x-x-

i drank the bottle

i drank the can 

is that good enough for you? 

are you happy now? 

no because you didn't 

force me to get myself 

drunk on the alcohol 

and high off the smoking

i'm sorry but i'm not 

doing that to erase my anxiety 

that has made a home in this thing called 

my personality 

i'm sorry 

i'm so sorry 

i can still taste it 

i drowned them 

i still taste the alcohol 

are you happy with me now? 

no of course not 

i'll never be good enough for you 

but i really don't need drugs 

for my mind to feel as fucked up as it does now

-x-x-

i think i'm melting away 

into nothingness 

maybe i'm already there 

i'm nothing after all 

but a puddle of sweat and tears 

on my bed and all over my pillows 

-x-x- 

i really am a chronic introvert 

i can't spend the night out in public 

without crashing down 

i couldn't even do that night right 

i'm sorry for letting them down too 

maybe i can't do anything right 

i'm sorry i couldn't explain to you 

that i was having another 

stupid dumb pointless 

internal silent 

panic attack 

and it's very fucking hard 

to think you got it all under control 

that you'll be okay 

that you can stay happy and positive 

and most of all

optimistic 

when you have anxiety as your next door neighbor 

and their panic attacks as their watchdogs 

observing your every move 

i get tired too quickly 

i crash down and burn in the flames of anxiety 

whenever i spend the night out in public 

i know i'm embarrassing to be around 

i know i only burden you 

by making you concerned about me 

i tried to be fine 

that didn't work 

i try to act fine

it's not working that well either 

i'm trying for what exactly?

absolutely no fucking shit 

i try only to fail 

you think you're tired of my shit? 

try being me and living with it 

every moment of 

every fucking day 

i just want to live 

but i can't even do that right 

heh

maybe this is all a sign 

that i wasn't meant to be here after all 

i should've died back then 

because this sure as hell isn't living now 

sorry for letting you all down 

-x-x-

i don't want to burden you 

i don't want to disappoint you 

i don't want to ruin everything with you too 

i should be happy 

but i'm too busy being terrified 

of the possibility that i'll also make 

you hate me 

just like the rest of them do 

only to then deny it 

just to make sure my glass exterior 

doesn't make you bleed 

when it's all shattered on the floor 

there's already some bloody glass shards 

i made sure of that 

oh god 

please don't hate me too 

i don't know what i'd do 

if i found out i ended up only being a disappointment 

and a burden and let down 

to you 

i am trying 

please 

don't hurt me 

i'm terrified 

[youyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyou] 

you you you 

you

hey it's summer

(what are my post titles?)

Hey! :) 

The past few days, I've been focused on making sure I have everything prepared for my trip and then packing. I leave on Tuesday. That's in what- three days? Wow, that's very close. Very soon indeed. 

I had my graduation celebration dinner. It was nice. No empty seats. Everyone who said they would come, came. :) 

(I'm nervous way too much :c) 

(It's nearly 2 am, and I'm listening to music from tumblr, lol) 

I might post some old or new poems later. Possibly. No promises though. 

Some of mine have.. uh.. "mature" themes (?). Yeah, well, thoughts. Yeah uh. 

I've been wanting to write again. Maybe that'll happen for real. Maybe it won't. But hopefully it does. 

Oh. It's officially summer now. The World Cup is going on. Hmm yeah. 

I've got so many great things happening in Chapter 76. Mm.. spicy. Interactions.. oh honey, you've got a big storm coming. I started nicknaming that chapter, the chapter of interactions. Not to spoil anything, but a lot gets said and goes down in the chapter. Like.. damn. 

'Later. x

~ Cutepups

V-U-L-N-E-R-A-B-L-E (colored)

(aka my first drawing attempt at drawing a story concept of Fierdan naked in Cincernum) 

(+ more black goop. I ruined his anatomy; I know it looks awful and yeahh..)

(he doesn't wear much clothing in cincernum, pfft. when he's by himself, of course. i have more art ideas of drawing him like this. but with much better anatomy than this garbage. i'm sorry lmao.) 

(it's much harder to physically protect yourself when you don't have clothes, or anything for that matter, to protect you. without it, it can leave you vulnerable. to what? in fierdan's case, the answer is soulless.) 

(it's hard to take pictures on my phone.) 

(the hecking black goop of cincernum.) 

(what is human anatomy? pfft.) 

(his feet are in the top layer of black goop. idk how to draw feet.)

(idk what i drew that's protruding from his back.) 

(drew and colored plenty of black goop around and between his legs. because you know.. reasons.. *cough*) 

(i also gave his hair a great injustice. i hope fierdan can forgive me for drawing him so ugly when he's supposed to look gorgeous.) 

(and now i'll just wait for comments where people will be like, "wtf is this omg cutepups," but will comment like, "omg fierdan,, lol black goop,, good art!" asdfghjkl.) 

yeah so i've graduated

Yep. I've somehow graduated. I'm done with high school now. Huh wow. 

Yay! :) 

Anyway, I'm gonna post more poetry and art later. If I feel up for it, that is. 

At this time yesterday, I was at my graduation ceremony. 

At this time a week from now, I'll be in France. That's.. just whoa. One week away. Geez. 

I .... 

Bye.

june personal updates

Hi, I feel like I haven't made a post actually about myself in a while. I'm here to quickly do that now. :) 

6/17:

• Father's Day

• My brother came home this week. Because.. well.. I'll say why later in this post. 

• Played mini golf with my whole family. Haven't done that in years, I think. Playing outside in the very warm weather. 

• Our grandma came over. We discussed some things.. which again, I'll explain later on. 

• We went to a Greek restaurant. It was my first time having Greek food, and can I just say.. food is good. Mm. Yeah. 

• Went out for ice cream afterwards. Minus the two people I mentioned in the bullet points above. 

6/18:

• Didn't have to go to school till 11:30, so I slept in. Sleep is good. 

• The iPad I mentioned in my posts a few times is from school. Had mine since 10th grade. I had to hand in the iPad. So I don't have an iPad anymore. Sad. 

• My high school graduation is the next day. Got information about that at school. Got that graduation stuff.. you know.. gown, cap, tassel, club cord, tickets..

• Ok so it's so hot here. Supposed to feel like it's in the mid-90s tomorrow as well. I'm too lazy to figure out what that is in Celsius. (We get it, Cutepups. You live in the eastern part of the United States.)

• My dad says there's something wrong with the A/C unit in our house. In other words, there's been barely any air conditioning in the house, it's so hot inside, and it's getting real bad. I showered less than an hour ago, and I'm already feeling so hot (the gross kind, like the sweaty kind) again. Anyway, this sucks and we're suffering here. 

• My brother came home for the week to attend my graduation. Same grandma is also coming. Yeah. 

6/19:

• I graduate! Aaaahhhhhh!!!!

• Practicing in the morning. 

• I complained about school so much on this blog (not as much for this school year), and now it's finally over. High school is just about over for me. It's been four years. Whoa. 

6/23:

• The day I actually go celebrate my graduation with my family. 

• The restaurant better be amazing. It sounds like it is though. 

6/26:

• I leave for my just-over-one-week trip to France. 

• I barely know any French though lmao. 

• It's a cruise type of trip once we're in France. 

• The places I'm going to visit sound amazing, and I'm hyped. So excited! Nervous as always, but so very excited! 

• Just going with my grandma. Yeah. She's amazing. The best. Like.. goals. 

That's my general updates for the rest of this month. 

I can finally say I made it. 

I made it. <3 

I made it to these moments. :')

That's just beautiful. 

one more thing before sleeping

(We get it, Cutepups. You're tired.)

Ok that's true. But anyway...

Hi, hello! 

I'm surprised I didn't get any angry comments at all yesterday because of my last post. I really thought I'd get some. Guess not lmao. 

Fier-fvcking-dan. Fier-damn. Fier-fvck. 

I have a better plan for him in Chapter 76 than the one I made months ago. I think it makes sense to write it then than the mess I had planned before. 

His POV is still going to be a huge mess though. I just feel the pain from his POV as being more logically disturbing than confusingly disturbing. 

There might be slightly more violent body horror in this new plan I have though. Haha, haha, ha ah hh. 

Oh and I finally have a good enough plan for the POVs of Dawn and Duke. And omg geez. 

Them!! They!! These two!! Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!

(Please stop screaming, Cutepups. Aren't you tired?)

Yes, very. :) 

(Then why..?)

I'm able to scream about my characters at any given time. :')

(Whatever you say, Cutepups...)

:-) 

Oh and yesterday I saw this young silver cat named Brock. When I read his name tag, I gasped. He's Brock. Cat version Brock. He's beautiful. 

Oh and yeah that too. It's Father's Day. 

That's it, bye now. 

~ Cutepups 

faint (kid danny) + fierdan the fu(heh)ck

h-him,,,,,,, 

Hi. 

Words and stuff: 

http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2018/06/fierdan-skit-explanation-22.html?m=1

This is the only sketch I drew from the Kid Danny half that I don't hate.. as much. 

(I just fixed it up now, but shh...) 

(I started it so long ago, actually.) 

By the title, you should probably know by now that I'm showing the part where Kid Danny fainted (*coughs* and dies *coughs*) after viewing all his future memories. 

I like how I drew his eyes. Wide, panicked, frozen, blank stare... 

His hair is supposed to be a mess. Because he fell headfirst onto the floor. He's on the floor. His hair is a mess. Because he's on the floor. Yeah. 

I drew him looking older in this sketch than my other ones from the Kid Danny skit half. Because, you know, seeing a montage of fvcked up memories guaranteed to screw you over just makes you age a couple several years. 

Hmm, that's it about that. I still want to talk about Fierdan though. 

Viewers: Omg we get it. :/ You love him, he's your boy, you love him......

Me: Ok but shh! 

Viewers: -_-

I decided to color that Vulnerable Fierdan drawing I posted. It still looks terrible though, haha. But now it's colored. 

I don't know why I butchered his legs. Like I drew them so badly and idk why. 

And what's going on with his crotch? Because idk what I was thinking when I was outlining. 

I added some black goop onto him. Because.. black goop, man, it's everywhere in Cincernum. 

(yes i did say crotch) 

(damn, wish i knew how to draw like anything) 

Psst.. I wrote explicit because well.. it's, it's uhh.....

It's fvcking Fierdan for crying out loud. 

Me: *slams my sweaty hand down onto my pillow* What did y'all expect from this Boy? 

Ok but it's because he's, he's.. vulnerable. 

Viewers: What the FVCK does that mean?! 

Me: It means....

Alarm: *goes off*

Viewers: Fvckin' hell! 

Alarm: *in robotic voice* Spoilers alert, spoilers alert! Can not go forward with explanation because spoil--

Viewers: *go to the alarm, kick it while yelling profanities* 

Me: *gasps* My alarm! 

Alarm: Code red... *hecking dies* 

Me: *cries*

Viewers: .... just tell us. 

Me: .... fine. 

It's because I drew him naked. But now I added black goop, so it's like cover--

Viewers: Omg we knew that, you fool! How dumb do you think we are?! 

Me: I, uhh... *runs away* 

Viewers: *chasing after me* Finish your post, damn it! 

Me: Don't tell me what to do! 

Viewers: CUTEPUPS! 

No cover up = no ability to pretend = vulnerable = naked = my more recent story idea to reveal that Fierdan has physical scars and maimed body parts and the more I think of it the more explicit I think it is...

Viewers: Uhh.. well.. ok..? 

Me: What?

Viewers: Umm....

Me: Omg what is it? 

Viewers: ........

Me: .... ok? 

I think about Fierdan a lot, I'm sorry. 

.... it has to do with Soulless, too. 

I have an idea of a conversation between the two of them. It's.. quite something. 

Ok, that's it. Bye. 

Viewers: W-W-Wait! Explain!

Me: Yeah sorry, but this post is now closed. It's over now.

Viewers: But--

Me: It's over! 

hi i'm very sleepy

Very short post! 

I got new chargers. Yay. :) 

Tomorrow (Thursday) is most likely gonna be my last day of school. Of attending my classes, I mean. 

No reason to go to my classes after that. 

And then there's graduation practice and graduation. And.. that's it. School is almost completely over for me. Wow huh. 

Hmm.. I think the name of my roommate is cool. I.. I like it. (lol hnnfghhh) 

I keep on procrastinating on finishing my mermaid drawings. :( 

Anything new with you guys? 

(idk i'm sorry) 

'Later.

,,

I would make a longer post, but I don't want to risk the chances of my phone not charging, so I'm keeping this short. 

That last skit.. well idk. I wanted to make a skit about Brock. Like a Brock arc. All about Brock. Uh.. sad bitterness. Yeah. 

No promises but I want to draw him. Brock, I mean. So you guys know what he looks like. 

My phone charger is just about broken. So is my iPad one. I gotta return my iPad and charger to school in a few days. I really need new chargers.  

I'm afraid to move my phone. Hmm... :/ 

I'm only going to school tomorrow to finish and bring home the shirt I've been sewing. I have no other reason for staying.

Uhhhhhhh....................

I have a roommate now. For college, I mean. Wow. 

I actually feel pretty adequate and okay with myself. You could maybe say I'm happy. 

I think I'll be okay. That it'll all be okay. 

By this time next week, I would have graduated high school. My graduation is next Tuesday. 

Wow, I grew a lot over the years. Started this blog before I was even in high school. And now I'm just about done with it. So I guess it's been four years. Crazy thought. 

Bye now. 

~ Cutepups 

Brock, I'm Sorry (new skit)

Hi, I enjoy writing sad bitter feelings in my skits now. Funny skits who? 

[Is the time of this skit a few hours or a day after the one I wrote last post? Who knows. You decide!]

[Location: Outside Brock's room. Duke is knocking and then slamming his hands on Brock's bedroom door. He is a desperate boy, that's for sure.]

Duke: *repeatedly knocking on Brock's door* Brock, I am so, so sorry I didn't know. Open the door, please. 

Brock: *ignores Duke* 

Duke: *pleads* Please, Brock...

Brock: *continues to ignore Duke* 

Duke: I know what happened. Come on, I can go get Finny, and we can all talk it out. He knows how to handle the kind of thing you're going through. 

Brock: *sounds nothing like his typical skit self, sounds bitter* And what do you know? What do you actually know about me, Duke? 

Duke: Well, I know it was wrong of me to assume you were doing fine and not suffering. You don't have to hide your feelings from any of us, and that includes me. 

Brock: About me, Duke. Me. Not you and your self-absorbed ass. 

Duke: *lets his arms fall to his sides, sighs deeply* I know you're in a lot of pain. You haven't been around as much for the past few months because you couldn't successfully hide behind your mask of false humor and happiness. *hesitates before saying* Your heart, it's aching. You're suffering from heartbreak. 

Brock: *is angry* Who told you?! 

Duke: Heh. I have my ways of knowing. 

Brock: Who told you?! 

Duke: Fine. Sparkle did. 

Brock: Damn it. Thought I could trust her. 

Duke: You can trust us.

Brock: Trust you? After what you did? 

Duke: *tone changes, sounds threatening* If you're referring to the day Soulless invaded me and nearly killed Fierdan, then I will break down your door and set your whole god damn room on fire. 

Brock: *gets up from his bed, unlocks his door* Exactly my point. *opens the door to see Duke standing right in front of it* 

Duke: *steps right past Brock and enters his room, plops himself down on Brock's bed* 

Brock: What the hell, dude? I didn't invite you in. 

Duke: I do whatever I want. *stretches out his legs on top of Brock's bed*

Brock: *sighs* Okay fine, whatever. What did she tell you about me? 

Duke: She got the news from that cashier girl from the store. They've become friends, apparently. 

Brock: Yeah, I know that. But what did you hear? 

Duke: I heard Cashier-Girl-No-Lady broke up with you. She meant everything to you, and now you lost her.

Brock: Oh, so you did know. That's not all of it though.

Duke: Huh? Not all of it? 

Brock: My heart isn't aching just because of a breakup. Finny might be able to console me since he did in fact deal with breakups himself, but it won't make me happy. I doubt I ever will be.

Duke: It's okay to grieve! You loved her, and now she's out of your life in that way. You'll find someone else--

Brock: *is frustrated with Duke* I haven't been around as much to bother you not just because of her! I know I'll be able to handle that. We can still be friends, so it's fine. 

Duke: Oh, that's good then! 

Brock: No, it's not good. 

Duke: *sits up, looks right at Brock* 

Brock: *sighs* Compared to you and the rest of you guys, my reason for being.. sad is nothing. No one has ever took me seriously, so I doubt you would. And like you said, "my pain is a joke to all of you." 

Duke: Come on. No human can even be alive if they've suffered the same level of pain as I have. Of course what I've been through is worse than any ordinary person's experiences, but that shouldn't invalidate your need to talk about your feelings. You're really human, Brock, I'm not. 

Brock: *contemplates to himself whether or not to tell Duke, decides to* The real reason I've moved myself in with you guys is because without this place, I wouldn't have a home. I would be homeless. And I know what you're gonna say. You didn't have a home yourself. You slept on the roofs of city buildings. You slept in trees. You were constantly on the move to avoid being caught and interrogated and eventually tortured. 

Duke: Okay, true, but I really only slept on one rooftop. 

Brock: Ugh, Duke! 

Duke: *shrugs* Just saying. 

Brock: My parents- and yes, I actually do have parents- aren't doing so well. I'm so worried about them. I live with you guys and not with them because they're not able to take care of me. 

Duke: So.. parents.. interesting. 

Brock: My mom has severe memory problems. I visited her in the hospital a few days ago, and she didn't recognize me at all. 

Duke: Oh...

Brock: She doesn't remember her own, her only, son. I used to be her entire world. Now she doesn't even know who I am. 

Duke: What about your dad? 

Brock: I haven't seen my dad in a few years. A month or two, I found out he.. that he...

Duke: *looks concerned* Brock? 

Brock: He's gone. He wouldn't visit me because he could never wake up. 

Duke: Your dad died?

Brock: No, even worse. He's stuck in a coma. I didn't know for so long. I thought he just ditched mom and me, but he was actually here with us. Just stuck in a hospital. No one ever tells me anything. 

Duke: *doesn't know what to say* So.. umm... 

Brock: My parents are just about the equivalent of brain-dead now. I don't have any other family. So what better choice do I have than to just live with you guys? 

Duke: So that's why you moved in. You had nowhere else to go except the streets. 

Brock: Ryen is a good man. I told him my situation, and he let me stay here. 

Duke: Yeah, Ryen is pretty nice. *suddenly goes up to hug Brock* 

Brock: Oh! I'm.. uh... 

Duke: I'm here for you, Brock. You hear me? No matter what. 

Brock: Thanks, man. 

Duke: And thank you for telling me. I'm glad that you let out some feelings and thoughts you've been hiding for quite some time. 

Nostalgic For You (new skit)

Finally, a new skit! Enjoy! 

[Date: June 10th. Time: 3:00 pm. Location: Duke's room. Duke is lying on his back, his head on the pillow. Then he lifts his head and upper half of his body up, so he can take both of his socks off his feet. He holds both socks in his hand, crinkles his face in disgust at the stench, and throws them in the direction of his laundry basket. One makes it in; the other falls a few inches too short. He sighs and is about to get up to put the sock in the basket when he hears a knock at his door. It can only be her. He wanted to talk with her. Just them, in the privacy of his room. Just himself and Twinkle.] 

Twinkle: *decides to open the door herself, stands right at the entrance of Duke's room* You wanted to talk. What do you want this time? 

Duke: *without saying a word, he picks up the sock and puts it in the laundry basket* 

Twinkle: *is getting impatient* Well, what is it? 

Duke: *finally indicates to Twinkle that he knows she's there* Twinkle. 

Twinkle: Ugh, you're wasting my time. I could be doing better things right--

Duke: *interrupts* Right now? Like what? School is basically over for us now, and we're the only ones home at the moment. 

Twinkle: Where is everyone else? 

Duke: Why'd you think I know? I have no idea where they are. 

Twinkle: You love getting on my nerves. I'm leaving. 

Duke: Wait! 

Twinkle: *sighs, walks more into the room instead of leaving*

Duke: For the past week, I've had these thoughts stuck in my head. You're the only one I can have this conversation with. 

Twinkle: *starts to become curious, walks toward Duke* What conversation? 

Duke: This one. *sits on his bed, motions with his hand for Twinkle to sit beside him*

Twinkle: *shakes her head, but sits on his bed anyways* Go on. I'm all ears.  

Duke: *looks up at the ceiling, speaks softly all of a sudden* Don't you ever miss it? How things used to be? 

Twinkle: *is caught off guard* Huh? 

Duke: Do you ever just miss ourselves? Who we used to be? What we used to look like? 

Twinkle: It's called growth. I'm glad I don't look the same as what I looked like a few years ago. 

Duke: *looks at Twinkle* That's not what I meant. 

Twinkle: *suddenly looks apologetic* Oh, is this about your trauma? I'm sor--

Duke: *interrupts again* No. It's not that either. 

Twinkle: *breathes in relief* Just say what you mean already! 

Duke: I miss.. us. 

Twinkle: Oh no, no, no. We're not going there again. 

Duke: *continues as if he didn't hear Twinkle* I miss your strawberry blonde hair. I miss watching the sunlight hit your hair as it rolled down your shoulders. I miss your sweet awkwardness. I miss.. being able to talk to you without being afraid. 

Twinkle: You're afraid of me? 

Duke: *speaks louder* I miss us! I know we both killed our pasts and watched them die, but I still.. I still... 

Twinkle: We can't ever go back to how things used to be. 

Duke: And you think I don't know that? *speaks with a sad type of frustration* Want to know something, Twinkle? I think I would do anything to go back to how things used to be. From before we moved in here. From before anything happened with us. 

Twinkle: What are you talking about? 

Duke: I'm so disgusted with myself. I hate myself so much. I just want everything to stop. 

Twinkle: *sounds less condescending* Duke... 

Duke: I wish I could take back everything I turned into. I want my lighter brown hair back. I hate how I can't wash away this disgusting hair color I now have. I hate every goddamn thing about me! 

Twinkle: I didn't come in here just for you to vent to me. 

Duke: God, Twinkle, what the hell happened to you? 

Twinkle: You happened. My parents happened. 

Duke: *sighs* Do you ever feel nostalgic for how things used to be? Do you ever miss your hair? Your old self? 

Twinkle: Not at all. 

Duke: Heh yeah, that's it. Of course it's that. You didn't turn into the Duke Fierdan. You didn't watch your friend die. You didn't carry your old friend's dead body--

Twinkle: I watched my sister die. I brought her body back home. 

Duke: Ok but you didn't turn into a monster. You didn't lose your humanity like I did. You didn't kill someone. You didn't go through so much pain. You weren't shot at, you weren't stabbed, you weren't--

Twinkle: Ugh, I get it. You had it a lot worse than me. Whatever. 

Duke: Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. 

Twinkle: Yeah, Duke, you did. *gets off the bed* I'm not letting my hair grow out, and I'm not dyeing it the color it used to be, just to make you happy. If you're disgusted with yours, just dye it. 

Duke: That won't fix anything. *realizes Twinkle left the room* Not like you care. 

-x-x-

Brock: *leans against wall just outside Duke's room* What were you two talking about? 

Duke: *is annoyed* When did you come back? 

Brock: Just a few minutes ago, actually. 

Duke: *mutters to himself* You've got to be kidding me. 

Brock: Nostalgia is a selfish liar. The past might appear a lot better than how things are going now, but it's really not. 

Duke: Huh? What do you know? 

Brock: Two or so years ago, I was nostalgic for how things used to be like in my life. Later on, I realized I was happy that I changed from how I was before then. The past kinda sucks, Duke. 

Duke: Duke, huh? You must be serious since you're actually calling me my name. 

Brock: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. 

Duke: You know what? Screw it. What more can I lose? 

Brock: Huh? 

Duke: I'm disgusted of who I am. You're right, Brock. I am nostalgic for myself. For Twinkle as well, I suppose. I miss how we used to be. Now it's like we can't even talk to each other without bothering the hell out of each other. 

Brock: Going to the past won't solve any of the problems you have today. 

Duke: Believe me, I know. I just don't know what else to do, where else to turn, anymore. 

Brock: You've got to think more posi--

Duke: More positively? 

Brock: Well, yeah. 

Duke: *snaps* Well, I'm sorry I can't just be happy and positive! It's hard to be when everyone f*cking hates you and is wary around you! It's hard enough having my eyes sting every day, but on top of that, everyone's scared I'll "turn into Soulless" again. It's hard to be positive when you can't sleep for that long without reliving your trauma in your dreams. It's hard when no one in this goddamn house takes me seriously! My pain is just a f*cking joke to all of you, is that right? 

Brock: Do you seriously think that? 

Duke: It's the truth! None of you can even stand to stay with me. I can't even talk to anyone without them walking away from me. *hands start trembling* I'm so terribly lonely. 

Brock: Want to know something? I'm not happy all the time either, Duke. No one is. I could be suffering, and nobody would even bat an eye. I'm just the comic relief, right? I don't have the right to my own feelings. 

Duke: I.. I... 

Brock: *turns around and walks away from Duke* 

Duke: *cries out in desperation* Not you too! Don't leave me too! Don't walk away from me! *screams* Brock, don't turn your back on me! I'm sorry! 

-x-x-

Duke: *slams door shut behind him* 

V-U-L-N-E-R-A-B-L-E

Hi,

here. 

Quickly drew a Fierdan story concept. 

Warning: bad art not meant for all with explicit ...

:^)

... fuck. 

I wanted it to look neater, but then I messed up the line-art. It gives more of a"messy/fears (?)" feel since the art just looks like a mess. So.. ehh.. ok. 

I'm not explaining anything. 

((fuck))

I can't draw anything else, it seems. I tried to work on my older drawings, but I just can't right now. 

Ok whatever. I got tired and frustrated, so now this looks like a piece of vent art. 

I'm fine lmao. 

I have vulnerable Fierdan ideas in my head. 

Vulnerability. 

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ʖ̯ ͡°)

///fuck me up///

I have a new idea for Fierdan in the story. Umm.. ow. 

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)

{{them scars tho}}

[[show the real self]]

Be vulnerable. 

Prom Pics

Hello. I said I was going to prom on Friday (yesterday). 

I don't give a heck anymore. I'm no longer afraid. Of showing me to you. Being my real life self on here. 

Hi,

here. 

I look so different now. It's probably all just my hair though. It looks (and feels) so much better now. 

So, without further ado, here's some pics of me (just me) from yesterday/last night. :) 

<3 xx <3

@ park 

@ park 

@ bathroom. able to see my nails that i have painted. my friend made our friend group's corsages (the flower thing). 


@ open area outside prom room. there's actually water going down the wall i'm standing behind. 

I have a lot more pictures, but I don't want to show them here. These are probably enough, anyways. 

Hmm, I still look like an awkward dork. No matter what, I'll always be and look awkward. I look even more awkward in some of the other pictures, but I still look very awkward in these ones. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi, my name is S. Short for...... 

Shannon. 

That's what they call me 'round here in this place off the internet. 

Face and name reveal, huh? Wow... 

Haha yeah. I really don't give a heck anymore. 

Now you don't have to wonder anymore who really is that person making those weird, unlike-any-other, posts. 

Yay. 

Bye for now. I'll be back soon. 

(and those are the rest of the names i'm called) 

But yeah. The S stands for Shannon. That's my name, haha, imagine people in person calling me Cutepups. 

(Omg stop lying to us. Your real name is Cutepups522.) 

Oh, shoot, that's right. Of course. 

Yeah so. Me. That's me. 

(whom tf?!)

umm.. me. 

them videos of heckin boneless cowboys

Since Anon wants to see the videos, I will do just that! 

Warning: they ruined me by making me laugh so much 

You have been warned. 

(omg why tho) 

I lose it every time she says "running man" and "cowboy hip hop" like it's just so damn funny to me I can't take it 

The guy's face and body omg I can't take it 

I'm laughing all over again, damn it. 

Like out of all the videos on YouTube, my teacher got bored and shows us these two. 

Well before that, we saw this intense motivational video about sports. And then a song from The Little Mermaid. 

...... umm ok wtf. 

It's true, I swear! When June hit, all my classes (except my classes with mostly freshmen lol hhh) like.. they end. Senior year, all the work ends. I don't even know why I still go to school because I only actually still do work in one class each day (A and B). 

Anyway, cowboys are hilarious to me. Their words and sayings like, "yehaw", "y'all", and "y'aint" are just so funny. 

.... why is "yehaw" so funny to say? XD 

There was also an assembly yesterday telling us seniors to go "find our high", and I think mine was repeatedly watching these two stupidly funny and cursed energy videos. 

"don't do drugs, kids. find your High instead!" 

....... and then there's my lal class. that class is a hecking messy sh¡tpost every class. literally. no joke. 

End of senior year..... yeahhh boiii!!!!!!! 

"laughter is the High." 

It's the end of senior year and nobody gives a heck anymore, so lol............

Hi, my name is S. Short for......

Shut the f up, Cutepups! Like please, I am begging you. Shut up. 

Just kidding. 

My name is..........

Numbers included and everything. 

me: *laughs my worries away* hahahahahahahahahahaha 

dangg boyy

Hi. It's after midnight. Yeah. I know. 

Haha! I told you! I remember saying how the ending of that Fierdan skit is heartbreaking and very sad. 

Damn it, Cutepups! Let him be happy without pain for once! D:<

I can't believe I didn't see it before, but I realized something else about the skit just now. The first half is all about Fierdan (Danny) being unable to handle his past as C Fierdan (Fierdan), and the second half is about Kid Danny (Pre-Fierdan) being unable to handle being himself after knowing the older versions of himself as Fierdan. First half is about being afraid of the past; second half is about being afraid of the future. 

This dumb skit ruined me. ;~; 

About skits, I commented a skit on my first half skit explanation. 

(lmao omg) 

Duke: *sitting in a chair at the kitchen table, holding glass of water* 

Brock: *goes up to the table, speaks too loudly* Hey, Duke! 

Duke: *starts chugging the glass of water* 

Brock: *says the worst joke Duke could have ever heard, then smiles at Duke* 

Duke: *gives Brock a look that's a combination of a glare and a look of pity/exhaustion/grief, puts glass on table*

Brock: Did you like my joke? *smiles*

Duke: *is just so done, looks right at Brock, chokes on the water he didn't swallow yet* 

Brock: Haha, I am a funny guy. 

Duke: *says in a raspy voice* No. *chokes more severely, hecking dies* 

Brock: I am peak comedian material.

*cough, cough* 

Anywayyy,,, other updates!!! 

I have my prom on Friday. This Friday. Oh heck, I'm nervous. And excited. Aahhh!

I don't really have any schoolwork to do anymore. I'm exempt from my finals- including my math one. What I mean by that is at my school, if your grade average for a class is 90% or above, you can be exempt from taking the final your senior year. Which I am. Yay! :) 

But I technically still gotta finish making my shirt and making sure my other art projects are okay. Heh.. 

But about school yesterday.. *wink, wonk* ;) 

In one of my classes, my teacher showed my class these two very weird, very funny (well to me at least) dance tutorial YouTube videos. Said it's to practice for dancing at prom. 

The first one was called "country hip hop" and there's this dance step called the "cowboy hip hop" ...... and I'm laughing about it all over again. I was laughing about it for so long, but I felt like I had to inform the rest of my wonderful blog viewers about it. 

And then he (my teacher lol) showed us a video called "no bones dance" and uhhhhhhhh..........

Comment if you are interested in seeing the videos. They are very informative. Yehaw! 

Oh and one more thing about skits. Whenever I'm not writing new skits, the life of my characters in the skit universe is decent. They're doing fine since I'm not doing anything bad or foolish to them. They get to live and breathe easily when I'm not there. Haha! 

(omg stop it with the messed up spacing, blogger! :/) 

I'll end the post here. Bye. 

~ Cutepups (who is Still not over cowboy hip hop and Fier-damn-Fierdan) 

(dang boy hot damn) 

Fierdan skit explanation (2/2)

Hey, so I want to make more skits, but then I just remembered I never posted part 2 of my Fierdan skit explanation. Well, I'm here to do that now. 

I can't seem to draw what happened in the second half of that skit good enough to my standards. I don't like my drawings, whoops haha. So, no drawings to accompany my ramblings. 

The links: 

the skit

first half explanation

It's been a while, heh. 

Alrighty! :) *folds hands together (just imagine me doing that, ok)* 

-----------

Time. The second half of the skit is all about time. Not just regular, ordinary times in the story and skit universes. Weird time. Nonsense time. Metaphorical time. 

(It's all just a metaphor, really.) 

The fog adds on to that confusion. What time are they in? Who's who? Is this happening in an alternate timeline? 

Until the end of the skit when I mentioned a white tiled floor is there any clue of a location. It grounds, it stabilizes, a location. It's still very vague, I know, but it gets rid of the thought that the location is an endless void with no ground. There's a floor, which means they aren't just floating in mid-air or on the fog itself. 

In addition to Time, there are: Naivety. Unreality. 

Up until the end of the skit does that all go away. The time of naivety and unreality. 

I think it's pretty sad, this skit. The ending pains me. But I doubt I'll ever be able to put it into words exactly as I would like. Excuse my terrible explanations. 

Ok so, from the start of the second half. Kid Danny has found himself lost and all alone in this strange place. He can't pinpoint a location since he can only see this swirly misty fog. The fog can also symbolize his naivety because it covers the floor, which can be the present reality. The floor isn't revealed until the end of the skit. 

Before he became Fierdan, he was just about the polar opposite of what people perceive him as being. Fierdan is so different than Pre-Fierdan (called Kid Danny in the skit). 

Kid Danny.. well, he was a pretty darn lonesome fellow. He never really had anyone close to him in his life. Until Dawn came along, he only really had Ryen and their father. And, well, Kid Danny got left out a lot. He wasn't really allowed to go out and become close friends with anyone. That's probably due to the high status he and his brother were born into, having been the children of the two incredible doctors, Dr. Z and C. And because of that, Z (their father) raises them as being "better" than just about anyone else. 

Let's just say that Dawn didn't exactly get that high life luxury. Z pretty much treated Dawn like crap. No, worse than that. 

Back to the skit. Kid Danny is lonely and desperate to make a friend. He suddenly sees a boy standing in the fog, and he runs up to him. 

A little later, I reveal that other boy to be Kid Duke. And oh, what's that? The time of unreal occurrences? The time not making sense? Haha, oh yes. 

Kid Danny is being, well, a little kid. Kid Duke is the same age and height as Kid Danny. 

(But wait, Cutepups? Wasn't Duke only able to come into existence after Fierdan created the DUKE fusion with Soulless and himself? How can Duke be there if Kid Danny didn't even become Fierdan yet? He's not even vicious and strong yet.)

Yeah, that doesn't add up now, does it? But then again, the Duke that Kid Danny sees isn't exactly a real person. He's somehow a product of Fierdan's imagination. He glitches and fades away partially whenever Kid Danny touches him. He already has the bruises over his body, but Kid Danny doesn't understand the meaning of them and how they got to be over his body (psst, Fierdan might have to do with it). 

On top of wanting a friend, Pre-Fierdan (Kid Danny) refused to take part in violence. He didn't like seeing and was afraid of seeing others in pain, and that also includes himself. He was a gentle soul who wouldn't harm, and definitely not kill, anything or anyone. 

That, of course, all totally changed after he became Fierdan. Being thrown into a world of destruction, suffering, torment, and of having to go through such intense pain every day for years and years made him stop being a stranger to pain. As that saying goes, "pain changes people." 

And finally, onto the ending. I said Fierdan's imagination and not Kid Danny's imagination for why Kid Duke was there. If it really was just Kid Danny and not any older version of him, then Duke wouldn't have been there at all. Instead, the weird foggy place makes it so that the time is unclear. It helps to disconnect Kid Danny from any of his life after that. Fierdan can only remember being that innocent, naive little kid before his life turned into hell. He lost his whole Fierdan identity. 

That is.. until the fog disappears and the white tiled floor is revealed. By that time, Fierdan knows everything else that became of him. With the fog gone, the naivety and unreality are gone. The time isn't stuck in the past. 

Kid Danny was so desperate not to have Kid Duke leave him because he was all alone and didn't want another person he got to know to, well, abandon him. Fierdan (well, Post-Fierdan Danny) might have some abandonment issues. But that's for another post. I mean like.. with his mom, and.. yeahh. Ouch. 

Right after that, Kid Danny cries out for Kid Duke to not be hurt. By that point, he begins remembering all the severe pain and violence that happens to Duke. I like to think of him visualizing C (whom Kid Duke mentioned earlier in the skit) physically hurting Duke, which left him with the bruises. 

And after that happens, a sped-up video recording plays in Kid Danny's mind of all the pain he went through and what he did to others when he grew older. Just imagine years and years of severely painful events (abuses, torture, murders, all the spilled blood and broken bodies, injuries, all that with Duke, creating DUKE, violence, more blood, more violence, ending DUKE, etc., etc.) playing out in Kid Danny's mind over the span of up to five minutes max. 

Imagine having no memories of those messed up, horrifying, violent af things that happened to you.. and then suddenly having every single one of those memories flood back into you all at once. Imagine having believed you're just a little kid who would never dare to hurt a thing, never mind kill anybody (like your father *cough* Z *cough*), only to then find out you did so much worse than that. Just like imagine it. All the screaming, blood, crackling flames, stabbings, shootings being heard and seen in vivid detail. And when you think the worst part is over, something even more fvcked up happens. And you become connected with the older parts of yourself. You're not a little kid, you're a young adult now, and everything you once knew about yourself is gone. 

That's what happened to Kid Danny at the end of the skit. He couldn't process what became of him once he became Fierdan and everything after that. It all goes against what he believed in. He, the child afraid of being hurt and hurting others, gets severely hurt and severely hurts others.. to the point of unpleasant death.

Bearing witness to all that results in Kid Danny freaking out over "time" and repeating the word over and over again. The time is no longer unreal. Time after time again do Fierdan and Duke get hurt. The pain never seems to end...

Kid Danny can't accept what he grows up to be. The fog is gone. The white tiled floor is visible. Kid Danny faints and falls, back of head first, onto the floor. 

Witnessing all the pain broke him. He's broken. He's unable to stay alive knowing what he's done. 

Knowing who he really is kills him. Kid Danny can't be his current self if he now has all the memories of everything that happened to him as Fierdan. 

The skit ends with the death of Kid Danny. He died. He's gone. He can't come back. His memories as Fierdan make him unable to function. They killed him. 

But even the Kid Danny skit character isn't a real living person. It's just the bunch of thoughts he is made up of all before Fierdan. Kid Danny as an individual, living human is long gone, long dead. 

He faints, hits the back of his head, and his skull breaks. His mind breaks. His head breaks. 

The Kid Danny is just a part of Fierdan's past. He gets shattered and killed because of the painful, truly fvcked up memories. 

He remembers everything. He's now the Post-Fierdan (aka the version of him after story 1). The end. 

Yeah ahhhhh. Ouch, my heart. 

Bye! 

damnitcpup

Hi. 

For the past 2, 3 days, I've randomly been thinking about Fierdan in Chapter 67. 

(Chapter 67)

(damn it c pup why now) 

I love him (lol he's like a ghost boi) so much in this chapter. Like, I'm still not over this.

He's not even being a "good person" character in the story yet, but yet I still love him. So much. 

I wanted to draw him in this chapter ever since I wrote it. But of course I didn't do that lmao. 

Drawing poses and facial expressions is hard. Plus, I'm afraid that if I draw a story scene, it'll turn into more of a stupid joke because that's what my art style is (it's a stupid joke.. it's bad in quality tbh). 

I want to draw my fire boy. I have so many art ideas to draw Fierdan in. So many. Geez. 

Hmm, kinda wish I could know how to draw and color in that painterly art style. Where the art.. is good. The people look attractive and like actual people, and not ugly and awkward looking. 

Sorry but it's been bothering me a lot lately. I just want to draw them good and not bad. 

Hmm. If I have more time later, I'll try drawing and posting sketches of Fierdans. 

One of which includes merman Fierdan (my man). I want to draw him as a merman (aka boy mermaid). 

I have some.. uhh.. interesting (?) art concepts for him. But, welp, can't exactly draw any of those if I still suck at drawing anatomy. 

me thinking about fierdan: ffffufufffuuu *cough* ck heck

every single of you: @ this post: thanks! i hate it 

I'm going back to bed. My eyes are burning. I'm too warm in this too warm room. My fingers feel weird and achy. 

It's time for sleep time. You'll better be sleeping. 

<(o)> <(o)> 

(those are my burning eyes watching you. .... i wish i could draw eyes that look.. hot.) 

Sleep time! Time for sleep! 

bye lmao 

(ffffufufffuuu *cough* ck heck)

uh yeah wow

It's June! It's officially time to start screaming in panicked excitement! Yeah! 

Well, hello there. I finished the things I've been most worried about for the past few days. It's over with for now. Now all I have to do is wait and hope everything will go okay. 

Haha, ha, ha. Yeah. 

-x-x- 

Anyway, I was listening to a song I first heard on one of the TV shows I watch. Then I kept on listening to the song on repeat when I found it on YouTube. 

And now I can vaguely imagine it playing as a new season trailer for my story 1 (which I named "Twinkle's Story"). And it being full of action with some angst mixed in. 

Ruelle.. she's great!! <3 ;~; 

But before I go more into that, I decided I want to include this picture I took on Monday at the riverside. 

:) 

Ok so yeah. 

It's this song (oh heck me up): 

Fire Meets Fate~ Ruelle 

I love the songs she does for Shadowhunters. They're so good. I.. I love. 

The "gravity from underneath" part that's mentioned kinda reminds me of Twinkle- Chapters 75-76. 

The "in our blood" and "destiny" parts remind me of Fierdan and Duke. But also Twinkle. I get a bunch of Twinkle vibes from this song. 

And of course I can't not be reminded of the scene in the TV episode when and where the song is played. Ahh,, oh no..

For what I plan on doing for Twinkle in Chapter 76, I love her so much. Oh damn, my blue child. Just.. damn. 

I am annoyed that I can't draw Fierdan as gorgeous as he deserves to be. Because his looks, I've come to realize, are like.. goals. And he's gorgeous. But I can't draw gorgeous boys without them turning out ugly. But I don't want to draw him ugly. :( 

I still have so many art ideas for Fierdan. But I can't ever seem to draw him "correctly" to my standards. Like, I imagine him looking a very specific way in my head. And it bothers me so much that I can't draw that. 

Hmm.... 

Well, good night.