you you you

[one am poetry dump. language and sensitive content warnings. they're all true. ///] 

-x-x- 

i'm trying 

i'm trying 

i'm trying 

i'm trying so hard 

but no matter what 

it's never good enough 

it's not noticeable 

as if i didn't change at all

but i did 

i did change 

i tried 

i tried so fucking hard 

but you can't notice it

because whatever i do is

never good enough for you 

-x-x-

i've been trying 

to be happy

i tried to be happy 

but life doesn't like that 

i try to be positive 

but life doesn't like that 

i'm sorry i've let you down 

not like any one of you 

in this damn house 

cared to notice and

appreciate the difference 

i can't be genuinely happy 

i really did try this time 

but i failed 

i'm sorry 

-x-x-

i thought i knew you 

but you're just another stranger to me now 

i thought i knew you

but it turns out i don't know you at all 

guess you could say the same thing 

about me 

i didn't expect you to change that much 

i thought i knew you

you thought you knew me 

but it turns out 

we don't know each other at all 

we're not siblings 

we're strangers 

we don't know each other at all 

-x-x-

the distance started with 

a crack in the sidewalk 

and the crevice only grew bigger 

now we're nearly oceans apart 

i'm sorry i keep on doing the same 

bullshit every single time we 

speak and see 

i'm sorry i keep letting you down 

i only end up disappointing you 

i'm sorry i can't even open up to you 

i can't open up about myself easily 

i'm sorry i keep on ruining our relationship 

i keep on fucking things up for us 

i know you're trying to build a bridge 

and i know i keep on burning that bridge 

before it can even function as one 

the distance between us is too vast 

for us to close it up in one night 

i know you're sitting there next to me 

but we both know we're worlds apart 

i know i'm more a 

stranger than sister 

and you're more a 

stranger than brother now 

than ever before 

and i'm sorry 

for only offering you silence 

maybe we're not good for each other 

sorry for cutting ties 

i can't do it 

i'm sorry 

-x-x-

you told me that 

you would only like me 

if i'm drunk and high 

sorry again for letting you down 

i'm not getting drunk and high 

just to make you happy 

just to make you feel better about me 

but i'm thirsty 

and i want these thoughts out of my head 

maybe i'm not that clean anymore 

-x-x- 

i'm tired of being nervous and worrying 

all the time on a daily basis 

about some stupid shit 

i'm sick from anxiety 

but that doesn't mean i'm going to

smoke until i get high 

so you won't have to deal with my nervous ass 

and witness me opening up about 

whatever the fuck you want 

i wish i could talk more 

and maybe even be normal 

i'm not getting high for you 

i'm sorry about that too 

-x-x- 

we're just strangers 

we're nothing more than strangers 

who barely know each other 

perhaps the only thing we do know is

each other's name 

-x-x-

i drank the bottle

i drank the can 

is that good enough for you? 

are you happy now? 

no because you didn't 

force me to get myself 

drunk on the alcohol 

and high off the smoking

i'm sorry but i'm not 

doing that to erase my anxiety 

that has made a home in this thing called 

my personality 

i'm sorry 

i'm so sorry 

i can still taste it 

i drowned them 

i still taste the alcohol 

are you happy with me now? 

no of course not 

i'll never be good enough for you 

but i really don't need drugs 

for my mind to feel as fucked up as it does now

-x-x-

i think i'm melting away 

into nothingness 

maybe i'm already there 

i'm nothing after all 

but a puddle of sweat and tears 

on my bed and all over my pillows 

-x-x- 

i really am a chronic introvert 

i can't spend the night out in public 

without crashing down 

i couldn't even do that night right 

i'm sorry for letting them down too 

maybe i can't do anything right 

i'm sorry i couldn't explain to you 

that i was having another 

stupid dumb pointless 

internal silent 

panic attack 

and it's very fucking hard 

to think you got it all under control 

that you'll be okay 

that you can stay happy and positive 

and most of all

optimistic 

when you have anxiety as your next door neighbor 

and their panic attacks as their watchdogs 

observing your every move 

i get tired too quickly 

i crash down and burn in the flames of anxiety 

whenever i spend the night out in public 

i know i'm embarrassing to be around 

i know i only burden you 

by making you concerned about me 

i tried to be fine 

that didn't work 

i try to act fine

it's not working that well either 

i'm trying for what exactly?

absolutely no fucking shit 

i try only to fail 

you think you're tired of my shit? 

try being me and living with it 

every moment of 

every fucking day 

i just want to live 

but i can't even do that right 

heh

maybe this is all a sign 

that i wasn't meant to be here after all 

i should've died back then 

because this sure as hell isn't living now 

sorry for letting you all down 

-x-x-

i don't want to burden you 

i don't want to disappoint you 

i don't want to ruin everything with you too 

i should be happy 

but i'm too busy being terrified 

of the possibility that i'll also make 

you hate me 

just like the rest of them do 

only to then deny it 

just to make sure my glass exterior 

doesn't make you bleed 

when it's all shattered on the floor 

there's already some bloody glass shards 

i made sure of that 

oh god 

please don't hate me too 

i don't know what i'd do 

if i found out i ended up only being a disappointment 

and a burden and let down 

to you 

i am trying 

please 

don't hurt me 

i'm terrified 

[youyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyou] 

you you you 

you