just copying this from my dA

That writing dump I posted earlier today? I typed that from 1 to just before 3 am. I post what I type out way faster than my much older poems that I have started writing down on paper. I have more poems; I'm just too lazy to post them. I think they're better than the recent ones I put on here, so I'm not sure why I don't just post them already. 

(I also really hate my body a lot now. So now I'm even more nervous about my trip.) 

Oh. The three main "you"s in my writing dump are: my brother, my friend, and my grandma. 

I'm only going to France with my grandma. So, well, that's new for me. Just us two. Huh wow. 

But what I said in there is all true. (That's bad, S! :/ (I know)) 

I've been trying to genuinely believe I'm happy/positive/optimistic, but I keep on having bouts of anxiety (and regrets). Especially before, during, and after the previous "big" events I had this month. It kinda sucks how I can't really be "normal" like the rest of the people there. I just end up doing something I regret, and it worsens my anxiety, and I hate myself lmao. 

It be like...:
Me: I'm gonna stay happy and positive this time! I'll have a good time! 
Me: *messes up, has awkward encounter, overthinks, etc.*
Anxiety: Hey >:} 

I'm so tired of this. It's like I can't even fully enjoy anything without anxiety resurfacing. 

I'm so scared that I'm really just a burden/disappointment to everyone in my life, and that I only end up letting them all down. Especially with what I did/didn't do. 

I'm so tired of myself. I try to believe I'm better because hey, at least I don't seriously consider dying every day now. At least I'm not completely hopeless/worthless anymore. I know people care about me. 

But who am I kidding? I still find it hard to believe them when they say that. Most of the time, I think they're lying to me to make me feel better because they know how mentally screwed up I am. And when I do take their words to heart, it still hurts. Even if their words are bandages and no longer knives. 

I try to have a good time, but anxiety keeps on getting in the way. It's hard to stay comfortably happy when that's going on. I'm trying but it's not really working. 

I have wifi on the ship in France. (I'm going on a cruise there.) So there's a chance I could check dA when I'm in France. Maybe. Possibly. 

I can't think of anything else to add here. I guess that's it. Bye. 

- S.

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except at this time i'm posting on here, i'll be on the flight to paris. 

i'm very tired. bye for now.