new theme finally

Hi. It's early and I'm tired. Didn't wake up in the middle of the night this time. Nice, nice. Oh and what's this? The blog looks different now? Haha yeah, it sure does.

Hope you guys like it. Haha, the header isn't as edited as the other ones I made.

Back to being blue. I love that color blue.

The words at the bottom say, "We might not know where the road of life takes us, but it'll turn out okay in the end."

Aww. Referring to the future. I'm lost and confused and need hope, okay? 

Spreading some of that positivity. 

I don't know.

Yeah. Bye.

aj jams

Hello! Welcome back to whatever-the-hell this blog is! 😄

I can't believe Blogger put another comment in my spam folder. Geez Blogger, that wasn't spam. To that person who commented, I wasn't ignoring your comment. I just saw it now.

I just had a slice of cake. Ooh boy, all that sugar.

I'm doing pretty good today. I don't feel like dying.. heck man give me a reward. I still am an anxious wreck who regrets most words I say. ... *finger guns* :')

Yet again, I randomly woke up at 3 am. And again at 4 am. None of my pets were in my room. Yeah, even me sleeping is weird. Ah heck.

Yesterday was pretty good too. Got very bored at times though. *shrugs*

Before I go into the AJ part of the post, weird old me finds this thing kinda funny. Psst, it's not even funny. Haha sure ok. So in history class, we're learning about the Great Depression. So one question was to look up the meanings of the word, depression, and then explain what they mean. So I put up the, what I call history or business, definition which is the one about the Great Depression. And for the other meaning, I wrote sentences about depression as the mood disorder and how it's a mental illness. Right, okay. So then a few classmates share their answers. I ended up being the only one who wrote about it being a mental illness. Haha wtf this isn't even funny. So the classmates define that meaning of depression as sadness. And the rest of the class nods their head. Like yeah. Depression just equals sadness. Haha yeah.. ok. Sure. Ugh, what the heck why do I get so annoyed when people say depression is the same thing as sadness just lasting a little longer? Ugh. Same with that commercial on my TV. That's all like, "Is depression REALLY more than just sadness?" Ahdjcvlfvdfckfvcjfvscrem. Like, my dude, no. Depression is way worse than just feeling sad. Ok? Ok. Like ok, people at school have to learn that if you're feeling sad and tired just for one day, you can say you feel depressed. But ok you don't have depression then. Wtf I'm ranting. Sorry. Like a guy or girl is more quiet in class one day, and then their friends go up to them and ask them stuff like, "why the hell are you having depression today?".. ughjsxbfvjchjmd. Anyway, this guy in class then talked about the geometry definition of depression. Um.. ok. This sounded better in my head.

Anyway, onto AJ now!

I'm such a child. Ew. Playing these childish games.

AJ didn't even accept my painting yet. :(

This is another new loading screen I got. Aw, it's so cute.

Today's Jamaaliday Gift. 

I made a new winter area in my den. Much smaller area than what I did in previous years though.

And, of course, I didn't forget the RIM.

Rare Galoshes? Eh, I'll just call them rain boots. Well, that's what they look like on Precious.

I also just realized AJ has this item. I looked at the color options and screamed.

Nice AJ. Good job.

These wristbands look like the gay (homosexual) pride flag.

These wristbands look like the bisexual pride flag.

These wristbands look like the aromantic pride flag.

These wristbands look like the lesbian pride flag.

These wristbands look like the asexual pride flag. Could use some purple, but it looks close enough.

Haha wow. Assumptions or actually true? Hnngfgh, I'll say AJ is for equality.

Yeah, that's it for AJ today. I don't feel like typing up a skit about the RIM. 

I'll work on a new header/banner/whatever you wanna call it now.

Hope you have a nice day.

not doing it today

I was about to title this post "Not Today" and start singing the song, Not Today, by Twenty One Pilots. However, I decided not to.

Haha, I'm posting this on mobile. Dang Cutepups, back at it again with typing up a post on mobile. What a loser.

Wow, that last post was weird. I started it with being child-friendly and in a cheery mood, but then I changed it to me typing swear words and making fun of myself since I hate myself a lot.

As you can see, I am a terrible blogger and person in general. Dont trust my posts. I'm not child-friendly. I'm bad. Not good.

Anyway. *starts singing Echo* "What the hell's going on? Can someone tell me please?"

I feel like a few AJ bloggers who quit posting in general are suddenly coming back now. And like. Wow, that's great! I loved reading those blogs! Those bloggers made new posts! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Nice, good, great, wowie!

In other news, I won't be changing the blog theme at all tonight.

Doing that can take hours out of my time, and I don't have that much precious time to kill by doing that.

I have to wake up at 6 am tomorrow. What the heck, that's a little after the time I have to wake up for school. It's to go to a college open house. I visit college open houses every other Sunday, it seems. And this one is farther away than the other ones I went to. And we're picking my grandma up along the way because she wants to join us. Then after all that, we're going to a supposedly fancy-ish restaurant for my mom's birthday. Yeah. Happy birthday, mom.

Oh and I'm keeping the music playlist as it is. So what if it isn't November anymore?

I forgot to add this last post. So I'll say it now. Every time I write something in Duke's POV or him saying anything in the story, I always think of his voice being this actor's voice. I can't even say who. I don't know who. It's just like. I imagine his voice being in a certain way. Definitely not a 14 year old voice, I can tell you that. So like. Writing anything in his POV feels so intense.

Damn it, Duke.

And yes. Of course I remember the times of Puke and Tinkle. Those were the best.

Anyway. I think I'm intentionally causing myself harm again. Ayy lmao what a loser.

I swear this blog isn't even a blog anymore. It's a coping mechanism. I post about certain dreams I had. So I keep this blog as a dream journal. I vent a lot. So I keep this blog as a, um, vent journal. Mm why yes, I sure love to post all my depressing and anxious thoughts on this blog that's for the public. Mm, mm, mm. What a healthy coping mechanism. Such healthy. As healthy as my mental stability. Which isn't stable and consistent at all.

The only way I can move on from Twinkle's Story pre-Chapter 52 is if I turn it into a self-deprecating joke. Where I just roast everything about it. So that's what I'm doing. It's kinda working.

But at the same time. I could just be harming myself even more. The stuff I roast myself for caused me to have a lot of guilt and stress. And just bad times in general. And I'm bringing it back. But like. I have to move on from it. Just laugh at the past and move on.

If only I could just laugh and move on from the traumatic things I caused myself in my first ten years of life. Ha, ha. School. Myself. What a messed up loser.

I'm returning to posting new chapters every once in a while because I didn't feel satisfied if I just permanently ended Twinkle's Story with Chapter 51. I had so much more to add. So I decided I'm going to finish it for good one day.

Or maybe not. I don't know.

I also think I hurt myself by staying on the computer for five hours straight. I don't go on my computer much anymore. And yet today I spent hours on my computer.

And now my legs hurt a lot. My head and stomach hurt just a little now though. They ache so easily now.

I'm not healthy lmao.

Oh and I forgot to add. In that dream, McDonald's was in the hotel basement. It wasn't a regular McDonald's.

I'm such a hypocrite. I have a fear of abandonment but only from a select few people. However, I still constantly ignore and not answer texts right away from the few people who still actively communicate with me.

Man, I suck.

I'm kinda scared to sleep because I'm scared I'll have another bad dream. Or that I'll wake up sick in the middle of the night. Ugh man that's so great.

And just like how it is when I think about my future, my mind is at a blank for what else to include in this post.

Phew, that's it for the posts on December 3rd.

Using three different signatures for three different posts on the same day is cool.

Bye.

Jamaalidays!!! and Twinkle's Story talk

Hey look, I'm finally here with a post on the computer. Ah, Animal Jam nostalgia. ☺

Whoa, this emoticon option is so cool. You can draw a smiley face to search for a specific smiley face. That's so cool, wow!

Wow!

Anyway, I went on AJ. My favorite time of the year to go on- the Jamaalidays!

I definitely won't be able to post every day this month, nevertheless for AJ. This time I don't have any pathetic excuses to not go on AJ this Christmas. Because I'll be away on vacation then. Gone for Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year's. ...

Sorry, I'm so excited for winter break. ;v; hhhhngh

That somehow reminded me. I can't believe it's been a whole year. Well, at least on the 4th it will be. I was away on my DC trip this time last year. I can't believe it's been a year already. Whoa. I did so much work there. 

That was like the one time I felt alive during my sophomore year. 

Guess that means that time is passing by. 👍 

I just found out that my hands are cold. Huh. My hands together are warm, but my hands on my arms are cold. I don't understand this because I'm a stupid frick. 👐

lol these handssss 👐

Ok, ok. Onto AJ. 😆

Aw, look at all those festive animals.

Loading screens I got when I was on:

So cute! 

Since this is the first time this month I've been on AJ, the first two gifts are grayed out. But here's the third one.

Hmm, so it does end on the 31st. Oh ok. 

And here are the gifts for today:

I also changed Precious's outfit to be more suitable for the holiday season. ;v;

She's ready for the Jamaalidays, hehe! ^-^'

She also tried on some members-only clothing items:

Picking the best colors for her, as always.

And now for the latest Jamaa Journal:

Yes, daily gifts.

No blue arrows for this picture. The gingerbread house and the Jamaaliday Rescue seasonal Adventure are back.

Masterpieces are for everyone now. Yay!

Nonmembers can view the chat history now, which is great news. There's also this Jamaaliday gift bag thing going on.

The Jamaaliday Jam party and pet reindeer are back.

Reindeer regular animals are coming back to Jamaa soon. There's also a new Sketch Jam video about drawing a pet reindeer. I was browsing YouTube the other day, and saw the Animal Jam channel. I think the Sketch Jam artists's name is Taylor. Not sure about the last name though. I watched this Sketch Jam video over on YouTube. I also saw a video with snowyclaw and artymis on the channel. That video was pretty cool.

Well, that's the Jamaa Journal.

Here's the chat history. It isn't grayed out for nonmembers anymore.

I also spent around an hour working on a drawing in the art studio program. I clicked the "Create Den Item" button first, so I don't have an actual picture of the drawing now. I have the masterpiece item in my den though.

I put it under two art plaques in my den. It's an art corner now.

And that wraps up the AJ part of this post. 

Honestly, going on AJ and posting this is kinda fun. 

I'm skilled at being happy, sad, and mad all at the same time. (ayy lmao)

lmao means laughing my anxiety off 

shh shh no "bad words" here 

just kidding cutepups is a bad influence 

I'll be saying "bad words" below. Just saying. 

I mean it. 

...

...

...

...

I suddenly remembered how in December 2014 I made a post where I put in language warnings for saying "heck" and "hell". And now I type those words in probably all my posts. Pfft, I even put in actual swears in my posts this year. Wow, what a change. 

I'm growing old. 

I can't help but feel like Duke is two or three years older from the start of Twinkle's Story. I started the story with him and Twinkle being 14. But looking back at it now, that just feels so weird. Like ok, I started the story when I was 13. Almost 14. So that kinda means I meant for Duke and Twinkle to be a few months older than me, maybe even a year older. So it's been either two or three years since I began the story. Anyway, I keep on thinking of Twinkle and especially Duke growing older at the same rate as me. Which means today in 2016, I keep on thinking of Duke and Twinkle as being 16 or 17 year olds. That would make so much more sense for them to be that age for all the things they did. Haha yeah. That could also be an explanation why their behavior and language keeps on changing. More complex. 

And for Chapter 52, I kept on feeling as if several months passed by since the events of Chapter 51. But that's just in real life time. In the story, the events between the two chapters is just a few days. Probably between two and five days. Maybe a week. I'm not sure. 

I'm not sure if I actually said it yet, but I thought of Duke and Fierdan's birthdays being on December 19th. So that means I'm soon gonna constantly think of Duke being 17 or 18 while Twinkle is 16 or 17. 

Sorry this probably sounds confusing. I just can't think of them being 14. Fourteen year olds are like little kids to me now. That's so young. Fourteen.

And when I was typing up Chapters 52 and 53, it was so hard for me to remember that I use different words for swear words. Or less extreme swear words. For example, I repeatedly make the characters say "gosh darn it" throughout the story. That translates to "god damn it". It always took me a few seconds to remember to switch it to "gosh darn" instead of "god damn".

Same with saying "paw" instead of "hand". 

Oh and I have a more specific example. So in Chapter 53 when Duke notices his mother and Soulless is talking in his head again about his conflict with life and death, he shrieks "Shut the hell up!", right. So anyway, I originally typed for Duke to say "Shut the fuck up!" there. I remembered to change it as I was in the middle of typing a sentence a few paragraphs later. 

I keep on imaging Duke and Fierdan saying "fuck" and "shit". For them to just swear by saying things like "gosh darn it", "piece of poop", and "what the heck" feels so fake to me now. I guess in a way this is showing how I'm growing up from this story. 

Anyway, past chapters involving Duke in general. They're so messed up. What the hell was wrong with me? I swear I was such a naive little frick.

First off, Duke somehow got detention nearly every day in school. Yeah, what the actual hell. If you get a certain number of detentions in a certain amount of time, you won't just get detention. You'll get suspended and then expelled.

Actually, the school in general was just weird. Was it a middle school or high school? What grade were they in? Why were they learning simple history like the beginning of Jamaa at their age? 

And then the whole thing with Admiral. Like one day she just goes up to Duke and kisses him on the lips. Like, I'm sorry, but like. What the fuck. Isn't that technically a form of sexual assault? There was no consent. I'm crying, I was so messed up typing these old chapters.

And then in the Duke flashback chapter. The guys thought it was weird if not all of them were shirtless in the pool. What, what the hell. Man, talk about being transphobic. Them being like "oh no you're not a real boy if you feel uncomfortable taking your shirt off in the pool". Like, what? Some boys swim with shirts on. What the hell was with me in the past? God damn it.

Oh and then with me typing for a long time about Duke self harming right after that. Like, man, I was typing about that for a long time. What the fuck, past me. What. The. Fuck.

Like no. Just no. Why though. 

Same with Twinkle in another chapter. 

I'm screaming and crying about this. That wasn't an okay thing to do. Oh god.

I keep on proving to myself that I should redo the first half of the story. But I'm a lazy frick who won't do that. Oops, my bad.

And then when Duke was even younger, he just walks to his aunt's house by himself. And he's what? Four? And he finds out his aunt and uncle committed suicide. Like, what? Why? 

Jfc this story is a shitstorm. 

Oh that one too. Did Duke even have a home in the beginning of the story? How did he still look good then? Why was he randomly carrying sleeping bags with him? Why and how did he even have alcohol? Why did he mix alcohol with soda? Why would he trick Twinkle into drinking alcohol? My god, Duke, you're such a bad influence.

Oh and again with tricking Twinkle. Tricking her into thinking you're like another guy. Making her think you're not as sexual as other guys. Such lies. Playing the innocent card around Twinkle. My god, Duke. You're not innocent. For one, getting detention all the time should be a hint that he isn't a good person. And Twinkle is in denial and thinks Duke's the best. Newsflash, he isn't a good person. He's bad. He's nothing but bad. Damn it Twinkle, he killed your sister and nearly yourself. Funny how you think Duke isn't into being hardcore romantic and sexual. That time with him and Dawn. Being alone. Damn it, they took their clothes off. And then before that he tricks Twinkle into thinking they did more than make out in Chapter 40. 

God damn it, Duke. You need help.

Haha, I love roasting my past self with this cursed story.

I've been typing this post up for almost three hours. I'm not sure if I'll change the blog theme tonight. 

Sorry about that.

I'm so tired. 

Bye.

aaauhh

Hi. ^-^'

I'm going to try and work on changing the blog theme today.

I hope so.

Um.

I had a very intense dream this morning. I don't remember most of it though.

I woke up sweating and my heart beating fast.

It was half dream, half nightmare.

I bet it was about abandonment and not feeling good enough.

Another car dream. Driving. Was it me driving? Maybe. On a highway. Round and round. Lost. Didn't know where I was going. Alone.

Again and again. The same dream happened before.

The abandonment part was before the car part.

Hotel with family again. Accused of lying. Them? Me? Everyone. They said they would be gone for an hour. They were gone all day and night. I was alone. Had to work at McDonalds. Weird lol. Those people were nice.

Yeah. That's all I remember really.

Dreams reveal subconscious thoughts, huh.

Mine though.

Haa.

Bye.

mmmfgh

Hey. It's December. Wow.

I went to sleep but woke up an hour earlier.

What why me.

That feel when it's midnight and I'm trying to sleep. But then here come the thoughts.

And by that I mean I have story ideas. That I want to draw. But drawing them is hard. I can't draw them how I visualize them. And yet I want to draw entire scenes.

What why me. Why are you like this? 

I wish I knew.

Ugh. School.

Oh. That November song on the playlist doesn't make any sense now. It's not November anymore.

I gotta go. Bye.

dang back at it again

I swear I do this every year...

It's now December! What?! Where did the time go? November is over. It's December!

Shocking news, isn't it?

One more month left of this awful year.

Haha, remember when we all thought 2015 was the worst year? Oh man, wasn't that funny.

It's almost 2017. I'll turn 17 that year. Wow, I'm getting old.

It's midnight. I'm still up. Posting this stupid post. But it's okay. I can't sleep anyway.

I mean. I could try. But nah.

I keep on waking up in the middle of the night. And I toss and turn a lot.

Unhealthy sleeping activated.

For example, I woke up at 3 am yesterday. I got out of bed. To check the time. 3 am. Wow.

The same thing happened at 5 am.

I went back to sleep afterwards though.

Wow, my health is bad. Uh.. lmao.

I also realized that in regards to classwork, I finish mine much slower than the rest of my classmates. It took me so much longer to finish my answers to the writing prompts than others. Mine weren't even long. I'm just slow and bad at concentrating on important things.

I'm so bad lmao.

This week, I have a test and/or a quiz every day. At least one. Every day. Lots of studying. Yeah man, school sucks.

I'm tired but can't sleep.

Because of despair and stress.

Mm fun.

In the afternoons, I try so desperately to make myself happier that I just laugh too long at dumb things on the internet.

What a life I live.

Anyway. I'm such a flawed human being. Much failure from me.

Mm everyone's better than me.

Mm what even is this.

Hahahahahahaaaaa.

Freaking test tomorrow.

This guilt and despair will probably never fully leave.

So just keep on smiling and laughing.

:)

Until things don't go your way again.

/