It's late- I love sabotaging myself

For real though. I cause myself to self-destruct.

Heh. I took a long nap after school though.

I feel like crap. I can't breathe that well, and I can only breathe in something that smells like crap (which is probably also me because no matter what I do, I always smell somewhat bad). I feel like there is this invisible force putting a hand around my neck and putting pressure on my throat.

And on top of that, my hell body decided to make me start my . which means even more body aches and pains. F*cking fantastic!

So.. the news about net neutrality, huh. Well, it's the 14th now. In my time zone at least. It gets voted on today. I think.

Well anyway, without net neutrality, I doubt I'll be able to access this blog (or any of the other sites you know me on) without having to pay extra money. This blog is small and I don't get money off of it (but I could put up ads though I don't like doing that for now at least).

I know the internet won't be immediately affected if net neutrality ends up getting repealed. But like, damn.. I'm so f*cking terrified.

My life revolves around the internet. I know so many other people say that. I'm probably wording this very badly, but like.. okay- without the internet, I have/am (almost) literally nothing.

I think I probably will end up trying to severely hurt myself if something happens and I won't be able to access this blog and the various other sites you might know me on (oh and also websites for school stuff, can't forget those either). I honestly think I'll have nothing left if all of that is taken away. Taken away as in for a long time (weeks, months, years).

I still think that I deserve to die. I'm honestly not a cool, fun person. I'm being realistic when I say I'm sad, bitter, lonely, stubborn garbage. I'm not.. "good" and nothing really is "okay".

My best friends (people who actually try to understand and help me and make me laugh) are only people I know through the internet. The only actual friend I have left in person (irl) isn't really like them. Nobody makes me happier and more willing to stay alive than my internet friends. Nobody I know irl is even close to being like them. So without the internet and being able to communicate with them, I have no one I can casually talk to like that. That's like a coping mechanism, gone. A reason why I just shouldn't kill myself already, gone. So yeah, I am worried about this net neutrality stuff going on. I hate how nobody irl even knows or cares about what's going on. Oh, I'm thinking too much? No sh*t, I have f*cking anxiety.

I also use the internet for: listening to music (my paid music is old and crappy), watching TV shows and sometimes movies (ex. on Netflix; shows I see on TV aren't as good), applications (college, job), school stuff (class wikis, checking grades, writing and handing in papers...), etc.

Without the internet, the majority of my coping skills and social interactions will be gone. I'm so scared of losing you guys. God.. that must sound so stupid. I'm such a loser, I know.

But hey. At least it's Hanukkah. They even lit the candles without me. Oh.. okay...

She's leaving on the 15th. F*ck, sh*t, damn it. Ugh. Who, you ask? Not you, not saying who.

I can't stand myself. I regret and cringe at myself all the time. I constantly see myself as that kid from high school who killed themself soon after (or before, tbh) graduation. "Classmates would be devastated and all of them would notice".. yeah sorry but that's a lie. Lmao what world do people who say that live in? You don't know every story, every person. You don't know me.

But I can't actually do that. I have plans soon after graduation. I can't kill myself because I'm going to a country in Europe at the end of June. Not just that, but on a cruise. The trip sounds awesome. I can't make myself miss that. I have to stay alive, so I can go on it.

----------------------------------------------

I have a new long skit theme in mind. I was thinking of including the first part in this post, but that wouldn't really -fit in- this post and its topics.

Maybe I'll post it later today. No promises.

Bye now. <3

aight

Hi.~

We're using my new menorah. I didn't see it in so long, and so when I saw it again, I realized that yeah it's pretty gorgeous. I love it, wow.

Today (Tuesday) has actually been... not that bad. Pretty good day after school. At home.

There's officially a trip planned. Ooh yeah, that's exciting. It's during the summer. Yikes, that's far away.

Apparently, there isn't any medicine in my house. Ah, the lovely feeling of suffering. Umm.. ouch.

I woke up at 3 and kept waking up every half hour since then. Geez, I'm tired.

Should I start a new skit thing? Hmm?

I'm too tired to right now. Maybe I'll post a skit thing later.

When exactly is later? I don't know.

'Later,

~ Cutepups

hmm...

So I looked at my posts around this time last year. I apparently also felt sick on December 11th last year.

I feel sick today. I'm not doing so well.

I have a summer vacation plan now. So I have something to live for and look forward to. It's so far away though. Gotta survive through this winter hell first.

I drank more tea. Tea is good. I'm in pain. Gonna make this post short. Not gonna include a Monday skit. I'm not in the mood to, so I'm sorry about that.

Well, Hanukkah begins tomorrow. And of course I had to get sick.

Maybe this is karma coming after me. I've been a bad person yet again this year. I've done bad things. I lied and pushed people away. And those are only two examples.

Due to how much I lied and acted like a jerk and how many times my hell brain lit up suicide as an option during this year, maybe I deserve to feel bad. I don't really deserve good things. Maybe I deserve to suffer when everyone else I know is getting festive and jolly.

I really messed up, and I don't know how to fix the thing. I'm so scared. I hate being scared.

I hope we'll use my new menorah this year. Couldn't use it last year since we were on the cruise.

I just.. want to be okay. I want to know when things are going to be okay. If that'll ever happen.

I'm scared for the 14th and 15th. Ugh, I hate these painful feelings.

I don't think I really changed that much from last year. Nothing really changed. Things got worse. Things got a little better. Things got bad again.

I can't really hear things that clearly, and I can only smell something very bad right now. Ugh, this sucks.

I slept a lot more recently, but it turns out that sleeping more makes me even more tired. I'm going to sleep early. Maybe I can actually fall asleep this time. I hope so.

Blegh ugh. Blah, blah, blah. Cutepups can't stay with the cool happy facade for long. Yet again. As usual. Smh.

I'll end it here. I'm done. Bye for today.

~ Cutepups <3

oH

Hey. Have this bad post.

By the way, the cd in that skit was from a skit I made in 2015. It's a real cd. I made this new skit where Sparkle returns it because I feel so -well, idk, very bad- about it. Actually no, I don't know what to feel. I just.. don't know. I'm not gonna link to that old skit post. Yeah eh.

I slept so horribly. I woke up so many times in the middle of the night. I feel a little sick. I have my easy classes today, and I don't want to miss school though.

My stomach feels weird. It doesn't exactly hurt. It just.. idk. I don't like this feeling.

My throat started hurting a little on Sunday. It still hurts. Barely.

I can't really breathe through my nose. Again.

I might finally have something worthwhile to look forward to in the future. Might go on this vacation in the summer. Sounds pretty lit.

Oh and by the way.. umm.. just because I've only been posting skits and stuff about those silly things doesn't mean I'm okay now and that everything is fine and dandy.

Because it's not. I'm still doomed. Nothing.. none of this.. is all okay.

December didn't cure me or make me happier or whatever. I'm still tired and stay on my bed whenever I'm home for the most part. I'm still sad, sorry lol.

I have so much freaking guilt and regrets locked inside me. And it hurts.

Unlike the past few years, I didn't make a negative reflective post on December 1st. I mean.. what would be the point of posting that? Based on the last two weeks of November (or maybe the whole month, but especially those two weeks), you guys probably know I'm not doing good at all. Finding genuine coping skills is hard since most of them don't even work. Is distracting myself through thinking about my story and characters a way I cope? Yeah probably. What could I have said? That 2017 has also been a crappy year, and that I can't bother having any high standards for 2018? That I still want to die? That maybe I've been posting happier stuff lately because I want to leave this blog on a good note, and that I take comfort in knowing that if I were to die, it'll be by me on one of these December days? That I can always escape if I really wanted to? I could have said that, I guess, but idk.

11 days late.

Well, I gotta go. School's today.

~Cutepups

Driving in the Rain (colored)

I just finished colored the drawing I posted yesterday. 

Right now, I like how it looks. Well, that's nice.

Here it is:

I chose a specific part in the skit that this drawing is from.

Duke: I still get bad dreams about what I did to him.

Ryen: It was a test that you weren't able to study for.

Uh, just pretend that the car's headlights are flashing. And of course I had to make Ryen driving a black car. Oh and the car seats are supposed to be a lighter shade of black or a dark gray. The car's outside color is a deep dark black.

Ryen is wearing a white shirt with a black collar and buttons. Duke is wearing a gray buttoned down shirt. The lines on the windshield and in the background are supposed to be drops of rain pouring down. The blue-black in the background is supposed to be the sky. It's supposed to be a dark blue sky because it's getting close to sundown (4:00 pm is the time the skit takes place and it gets pitch black at like 5 lol and plus it's raining so of course the sky is dark).

I have more skit drawings, hehe. :)

Bye for now...

~ Cutepups <3 

Driving in the Rain (skit scene)

Hey, I started drawing my favorite scenes from the past few skits I posted.

The first one I drew is a scene from the skit I posted yesterday. Here's a link to that post: http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2017/12/even-more-skit-adventures.html 

I have a sketch based on the first half of that post. It's the car scene with Ryen and Duke. It's when Ryen is driving in the rain after he and Duke left the meeting and are coming back to the house.

I also think that skit scene was disappointing and low in spirits. Nothing funny there.

So yeah, I drew that part. :)

Duke is on the left and looking out the window; Ryen is on the right and driving. It's supposed to be raining then. That adds on to the gloomy atmosphere I tried to show in that skit.

I'm bad at drawing cars. I looked at some images of cars, so that helped me draw this car at least a little decently. I know I drew some parts of the car off and messy. I tried fixing it, but I couldn't make it exactly right.

I think this is the first time I drew Ryen without his face looking so big. It only looks slightly bigger than Duke's here because he is facing forward and Duke is looking to the side. Ryen is also taller than Duke.

Honestly, I have a few older drawings of Ryen. I don't want to finish them (color them) because I don't like how I drew his face in any of them. His head isn't really that big, pfft.

Right now, I like this drawing I sketched out. It's better than the several other things I drew recently, that's for sure. Well, things I didn't post. 

So yeah. That's it. Bye for now. 

~ Cutepups <3 

Even More Skit Adventures

[Date: December 1st. Time: 4:00 pm. Location: A car that Ryen is driving with Duke in the passenger seat; they're going to the house. They are almost at the house, but then it suddenly starts raining. Duke sighs tiredly, and he messed up his hair so it's no longer neatly gelled back. Ryen tightens his grip on the steering wheel and turns on the windshield wipers.]

Ryen: *sounds bitter?* Ah great, now it's raining.

Duke: *speaking quietly* I'm sorry I ruined it.

Ryen: I knew this would happen.

Duke: Oh, you did?

Ryen: Yeah, kind of. They just have to get out of their emotional numbness.

Duke: *speaking slightly louder* I don't get how they don't know. It's universally known that emotion fuels fire in people. Anger, frustration, rage... passion, love... those emotions drive fire. To be devoid of all strong emotions, fire can not be created from the body.

Ryen: I really think that they didn't mean it like that. Showing emotions is healthy, but it's only healthy in the right situations. Where they and I work, showing too much of any one emotion outside of our base could leave other people suspicious and getting hints about our work. It could end in every single one of us getting arrested, and at worst, killed. Having Elemental Powers and working with them is strictly illegal and against the government and their views on how society should be. Being discovered is a wound that won't ever heal; there is no reverse to it.

Duke: What does that have to do with the fact that that intimidating person forced me to flashback to those days I spent with Taurel in complete isolation? *looks outside window and watches the pouring rain* I wasn't allowed to see the sun for a week. *sighs* I still get bad dreams about what I did to him.

Ryen: *turns steering wheel so the car turns right at the corner* It was a test that you weren't able to study for. I didn't know they would do that to you, and I don't think the other two expected it to happen either. They just wanted to check how much emotion you could contain before.. being unable to control it any longer. How easy it is for you to spill emotions due to having pressures against you to go break away from the professional atmosphere.

Duke: I know I'm too emotional. I show emotions too easily. Maybe they can help me to suppress my feelings and repress my memories.

Ryen: Emotions aren't bad. You just have to learn to control them.

Duke: *still looking out the window, crosses arms* Mm.

-x-x-

One Week Later.

[Date: December 8th. Time: 3:00 pm. Location: The store where a certain skit character works. Sparkle is wearing a fuzzy-looking light pink jacket on top of her outfit because it's December and it's cold outside. She is carrying one of her larger pink purses. She enters the store and walks toward an employee of the store. When Sparkle is in front of the employee, she takes a cd out of her purse.]

Sparkle: *tries to hand the person the cd* I would like to return this, please.  

Employee: *arches eyebrow* Sparkle, is that you?

Sparkle: Yeah, it's me. *pushes cd across the counter to the employee* I want to return it.

Employee: *chuckles* You bought that over two years ago! You can't return an item that you already opened and used, it's the store's policy.

Sparkle: I don't want this anymore. I'd rather return it to the store than have any of the guys burn it or worse.

Employee: *smiles, leans over, and puts elbows down on the counter* Brock told me that you no longer make weekly commercial skits. Haha, no wonder you haven't been around here in months.

Sparkle: And I can't believe you're still talking to Brock. *sighs nostalgically* Remember when we first met? Brock wanted to date you so badly... I guess his dream came true. 

Employee: Oh, how are you and Finny doing? I heard you two started to become a couple--

Sparkle: Oh.. yeah.. we broke up. Several months ago, in fact. I guess nobody told you.

Employee: Oh...

Sparkle: When we first met, Brock would only call you Cashier-Girl-No-Lady...

Cashier-Girl-No-Lady: *chuckles* Yeah. I'm so glad we finally gained our chance to mature a little since then. 

Sparkle: Well, Duke and Dawn definitely have matured a little since two years ago. *chuckles* Those two were crazy back then.

Cashier-Girl-No-Lady: I missed all you guys. Tell them to stop by sometime, okay?

Sparkle: Sure, but uh, what about the cd?

Cashier-Girl-No-Lady: We're friends, so I'll take it from you.

Sparkle: Thank you so much! 

Cashier-Girl-No-Lady: *smiles and picks up the cd* 

That's it! Bye! ":D

~ Cutepups