9+10=19

Haha, that’s the date. 9/10/19. 

(Or 10/9/19 if you’re not American, I guess.) 

9 + 10 = 19

I know math. Yes. 

............ that’s the post. ok bye lol

—————————

I don’t know what else to say. I’m now on my second week of classes. Back at college. 

hehehehhhh,,

meh :T 

idk lol sorry 

Bye for now, I guess. 

~ Cutepups / Shan / ??? 

*shrugs*

Things Avoided

Things Avoided [in the Story]. 

I originally had this post idea in early-to-mid August. So it’s been a few weeks. Sorry for the delay. 

... oh right lol- what’s this all about? 

It’s a list. 

I’ve been going over the aspects of the story that I’ve been avoiding going into detail about. It mainly has to do with the fact that I still just.. don’t know enough information to write about some of these things. I’m stuck on what to say and how to explain some important details to the story. 

I also don’t really have experience of dealing with that kind of stuff. Ahem.. ^-^” 

So yeah. I know I haven’t been mentioning these things in regards to the story. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The list:

• Jobs. The jobs the characters have. Especially starting in story 2 when they’re all together.. well, for the most part. What job does Ryen have? What about the others? What work do they do? Is it the same or different from something involving their Elemental Powers? 

• Elemental Powers. The main characters have special abilities that I call “Elemental Powers” but I haven’t talked about them in ages. What can each character do with theirs? What is the purpose of having it in the first place? How do the characters benefit from using them? 

(Examples: Fierdan and fire. Stella (Twinkle) and ice-fire. Dawn and earth. Ardere and lightning. etc.)

• Medications. The majority of the protagonists gang is mentally ill and traumatized in some way. Fierdan, Ryen, and Dawn are the first characters to come to my mind. But so does J___. What medications would they take for their.. disorders? From PTSD to depression to ADHD? I just.. don’t know enough. 

• Details of Abuse. I’ve said that Ryen, Dawn, and Duke were abused in various ways during their childhoods. However, I never went into explicit detail on what those ‘abuses’ consisted of. What abusive behavior did they fall victim to? Going into detail haunts me a little. The same could be said for Fierdan when he’s a teenager, and then how that resulted in affecting Dawn. 

• The Main World. (aka- the world outside story 1). How does it work? What are the different sections of it? Different towns or cities? Different ways of life? Social classes? How does education work? Actually, about that- Ryen and J___ had vey different schooling when growing up. How did that affect them? How did the different social classes they grew up in affect the type of person they each become? 

That’s it. Yeah. I said what I said. 

I’m done. Bye. 

bad bad bad

I moved into college yesterday. The title is how I’ve been doing since then. :-} 

Anyway, I ended up waking up early yesterday morning. And would you look at that? I woke up even earlier today! I woke up before 5:30 in the morning! And my body won’t let me fall back asleep! Life’s great, I tell you! :):):( 

I had at least one anxiety attack yesterday too. So yeah. I thought my anxiety was starting to become less severe, well then.. I guess I was wrong. Was I somehow faking feeling better without even knowing I was faking? I don’t even know. 

I had trouble opening doors at first. Later on in the day, I could open them. So it’s ok. 

I couldn’t even open the bathroom door, let alone the door to my dorm. Pfft. I’m so pathetic. 

My arms also hurt. 

(I keep on waking up at 5 or 6 in the morning. I hate this! :( .)

I feel like if I get out of bed, others will think I’m a freak. That makes no sense. 

I still blank out sometimes. I think it’s called ‘brain fog’ ?? idk. 

Sometimes I would be doing something, then completely forget what I was doing (or planning to do), and have to try to remember what it was which takes around a minute at least. 

Gosh, I’m such a wreck. 

How tf am I going to be able to start my classes if I’m like this? Side effects suck, my dudes. :( 

I’m also planning on getting a job this semester. If I end up not being able to work. I will cry. At the very least. 

I don’t want to get all into that on here though. It’s a long story. 

I contacted them and told them my preferred hours. I got interviewed for it and got it. Oh god, I hope I can work. But my body and mental state still feel so off. 

I don’t know what to do! :’( 

........ ...... ....

Bye for now. 

~ Shan 

not posting as much

Hey guys. You might have noticed that I didn’t post much this August. 

Yeah.. uh.. oops. 

I’ve been focusing more on my own mental health and trying to get better than thinking about my characters. Sorry, but I don’t have any new skit or chapter or anything like that. 

I go back to college soon. Summer break has come to an end. It’s been very long and I didn’t do much. Oh darn. 

I guess that means I didn’t end up killing myself over the summer. I’m still alive, apparently. 

Well anyway, this is my last night at home. I’m gonna miss my pets. :( 

For the past few days, I’ve been waking up very early. Let’s see if it’ll happen again. I’m probably not gonna tell you guys, but whatever, let me talk to myself on my blog. 

You know what? I’ll just say it now. 

The only skit idea I had was to have it start with Fierdan or Duke gazing out of an open window in the middle of the night with them saying something depressing. Something about feeling empty if I remember correctly..? idk, it was to reflect how I’ve been feeling. 

Yeah, that’s not very exciting. 

When will my next post be? I don’t know. 

Bye. <3 

stuff and things

It looks like I haven’t made that many posts this month. Oops. 

Hi folks. How’s it going? 

Anyway.. you know what’s funny....

I’m taking the same medication as my sister (different dose right now though). Like, guys, isn’t that so funny? My garbage brain invalidating her not that long ago? And how we’re on the same meds now? Hilarious. 

And I know my previous post might sound dramatic, but I really had a case of brain fog a lot during my first few days of starting the medication. I looked up more side effects, and brain fog is another fairly common one. Phew. 

I’m coping much better now. I’ve been on it for almost a week. Yay, progress, wahoo. 

I’m starting to feel less “on edge” or irritable now. Well, it’s getting there. Ever since I started taking the medication, I don’t feel angry-for-no-actual-reason as much or at all. 

I’m still stressed and worried about going back to college (for several reasons), but now it feels like.. like, “hey, maybe I can handle this?”... more optimism, I guess?.. yeah. 

Uh ok, thanks for reading my update about taking an antidepressant. 

:) <3 :) <3 :) <3 

August 26th

Hi, I have several posts I have in mind, but I keep forgetting about them. That makes no sense. 

Uh, I mean, hello. 

My parents finally listened to the Hamilton the Musical soundtrack. Gosh, I still love it. 

I’m seeing that play with my family in the near distant future. 

Ooh ahh ,, exciting !!!! 

I was able to fall asleep these past two nights. That’s a good sign, I guess. I don’t feel as bad today either. Physically, I mean. 

My siblings both left to do whatever they’re doing with their lives. (she’s going back to school; he’s going back to work in the city he now lives in). ok. 

Ok so here’s the main reason I made this post: 

Today’s August 26th. At least where I am. 

And it might be Dawn’s birthday. 

(I changed my mind since the Zodiacs post I made about my characters’ birthdays.) 

I keep on forgetting the birthdays of my characters. I am a bad creator. :( 

Character birthdays list (eh.. sorta): 

• Duke/Fierdan- December 19th 

• Twinkle- April 23rd 

• Dawn- August 26th 

• Finny- January 22nd 

• Sparkle- early February 

• Ryen- late September 

• J___- early June 

That’s all I have for now. I thought I would figure out all their birthdays by now, but I haven’t. 

(I know some characters aren’t even included in that list. I can’t decide what their birthday months are.) 

I go back to school in a week. My classes start next week. :’( 

I don’t know how to put it in words, especially just through text, but. Deeply thinking is kinda harder for me to do now. And especially a few hours after I take my medication and in the mornings. Later on in the day, my mind feels less.. empty? foggy? idk how to describe it. 

I feel the most like myself today. I don’t feel too weird. 

Today, the nausea isn’t really there. My stomach still hurts, but it hurts not as much now. I’m not as drowsy either. I’m still tired though. 

(idk what i’m even trying to say) 

*forgets what I wanted to say* 

..... *remembers part of it a minute later* 

When I try and think back to my first two years of blogging, I don’t know how I was able to write posts like that. 

I know that can be about a thousand things, but this time I’m really referring to how I was able to read more easily. I could write long paragraphs (sometimes not even that many separate paragraphs) and read them over so easily like it wasn’t a problem. Well, haha, now that’s kind of a problem for me. Reading large amounts of text without spaces or paragraphs is a lot harder for me to do now. Reading is hard. This sucks, man. 

I really don’t know how I could manage writing posts with just a large chunk of text. Thinking of reading my old posts could might as well give me a headache now, haha. 

(I think that was what I wanted to say about that. It’s hard for me to think clearly and remember everything. Like I said, I don’t really know how to explain it.) 

........ I know I shouldn’t say this (cognitive distortions?), but.. uh.... 

I feel so stupid now than how I was in the past. Like yeah, I have more life experience since I’m older, but still. To me, it feels like 2017 through 2019 just merged into one year-like time thing. Ok, not ‘year’ I just don’t have the words for what I’m trying to say. 

What have I done? I don’t know, man, everything’s a blur. 

I’m pretty sure I have some of my memory erased. I can’t remember so many things. And lots of memories I just remember vaguely or the overall pictures of instead of in details. It kinda feels like I can’t recall.. living those memories. And that messes me up. I feel so twisted up inside, and it’s not just because of a pill I take. 

It’s weird to say, but it feels like the only true stability I have in my life is my characters. Not necessarily any story; just the characters themselves are a form of stability in my life. They’re always there. They didn’t leave my mind. They didn’t leave me physically. I haven’t gotten away from them (because of college or even because of my symptoms of mental illness gradually becoming more severe (though I’m not sure if they’re even actually labeled ‘severe’ on the scale things) or.. maybe something else as well). 

(Ugh, what was I saying?) 

It doesn’t physically feel like I suffered any brain damage. At the same time, it feels like my brain is damaged. That parts of my brain haven’t been working properly. *cough* my poor mental health. 

And so yeah, I feel stupid. Like a big dumb-dumb. :-( 

It’s just such a feeling. It’s not just me who thinks I have a depressive disorder. That me feeling depressed isn’t just a fleeting feeling. 

Same goes for anxiety. 

Who would’ve thought? My ways of.. being aren’t normal. Thinking what I do isn’t healthy. 

Some months are better than others, but now I know that even if not every day feels like hell, I’ve still been suffering all this time. 

Mental health professionals think I have anxiety and depression. So there. 

(Am I leaving other things out? Maybe? We don’t know enough. ?? uh, what? ...) 

I originally planned on making this post just about Dawn, but I changed my mind obviously. Haha, I change my mind at the last second. 

*mind blanks out, can’t read words on my screen* 

... ... ... ... ... ... 

*comes back* 

By “starting medication” I have the feeling you guys know what I’m referring to. So I’ll confirm it now. 

I started taking an antidepressant. 

There, I said it. 

I’m going to try and refrain from going into too many details. Because doing that feels weird. Uh.. 

*forgets anything else I might have wanted to include in this post* 

uhhhh hhhhhhhhh 

/////////////////

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

//////////

\\\\\\\

/////

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

mind: error message in static 

Yet again, this post was written in a ‘stream of consciousness’ type of way. I didn’t take a long break from the start of the post to this point in the post. 

Bye for now. <3 

~ Shan 

(idk if i want to keep signing off all my personal posts with my aj name. so i’m starting to use my real (shorter?) name. ok.) 

bye now. <3 

~ Shan 

it’s been a day

Yeah. It sure has been a day. 

~whew~ 

Update: I started my meds. (... yeet.)

(umm ok whatever, cutepups, idc.) 

....... shut up, hypothetical blog viewer. 

Went out to eat at restaurants last night and today. Probably doing that again tomorrow. 

Restaurants,, so many,,, wow,,,, 

Anyway, the answer is yes. I’m intentionally writing poorly. 

About that.. I haven’t written that many paragraphs in my posts for a while. It feels that way. I feel like I’m just writing sentences and pressing ‘Enter’ a lot. 

My brain is being all dumb-dumb. : ( 

//this bich can’t think// 

You know what? Hopefully, I won’t have a night of insomnia again when I go to bed. When I get into my bed. As of right now, I’m typing this up while lying down on my bedroom floor. 

Like. I Could Not sleep last night / early morning. I tried so hard to, but my brain was all like “haha nope”. 

The earliest I possibly went to sleep was at 5 something in the morning. And I woke up around two hours later. 

What a day. What a night. What a life. 

I’m tired but in a way that kinda feels different than normal. This tired feeling. Huh. 

...... I think I’m being over dramatic? Am I too dramatic? Why am I so sensitive? 

*mind static noises* 

uh ok well 

goodnight 

(zzz)