Confessions 6 (skit)

Hi, it’s now June. That’s wild. 

My June hasn’t been that good so far. It still feels like it’s the end of me. I’m just buying time. 

Anyway, uh, well… 

Happy Pride Month! <3 

It’s June already, and the month these Confessions skits take place is in.. what? Some point in February? March at the latest? Hmm yeah, I think so. Mid to late winter in the Northern Hemisphere. But it’s June now. I should’ve written these skits faster or more frequently, but sorry, that’s not possible. Bear with me. I’m trying, I swear. 

I finally have some ideas for this skit part. Yippee. Wahoo. *slow claps* 

And.. I’m sorry but. I lied. There will be mentions of sexual content in this part. I’ll just include it here. Get it over with. I think it makes more sense to put it in this one. 

Yeah, I’m going through it. They’re going through it. Emotions, emotions and feelings. Man. Man! 

Breathe. I need to breathe. Yes.  

**WARNINGS: strong/explicit language, (mentions of) sexual content, smoking, brief mentions of transphobia and homophobia.  

——————————————

[It’s the afternoon the day after, probably early afternoon so between 12 and 2 pm. The setting is Fierdan’s apartment. He looks like a mess and the stench of smoke lingers in the air. He’s still wearing the same clothes he did at the end of part 4: a loose-fitting tank top and pajama pants. He’s standing at the kitchen counter, pouring coffee creamer and another spoonful of sugar into his cup of coffee. After stirring, he sighs, takes a sip, relaxes his shoulders, and walks to the room near the apartment’s front door, his fingers wrapped tightly around the mug’s handle. He takes another sip of coffee and sits down on a couch, shoving a pile of papers to the side to make room. Then there’s a muffled voice on the other side of the front door; it’s hard to make out each word being spoken.] 

Jack: —Dan? You’re home now, right? … come in? I want to talk about… *digs through his pockets and pulls out a key, steps closer to the door* Aha! Knew this would come in handy. I’m going in. 

[Jack inserts the key into the keyhole and turns it. He closes his eyes as the door creaks open. Fierdan is on the couch, drinking coffee and flipping pages of a magazine. His eyes shoot up from the page he was reading, and he becomes aware of how his heart is beating even faster. He quickly stands up, stumbles over a short stack of papers, and mutters a series of curses. Then he sighs and drinks more of his coffee. Jack steps into the apartment and spots Fierdan and what he planned on saying goes over his head since what happens instead is this…]

Jack: You look like shit. 

Fierdan: *puts down his cup on the nearest flat surface to rub his temples* Thanks for the observation. *groans* Why are you even here? How the hell did you get in? 

Jack: *holds up the key* You gave me a key to your place. Remember? 

Fierdan: *glares at the key dangling from Jack’s fingers* What? No. What the fuck—

Jack: *sighs and puts the key back into his pocket* I told you and reminded you over and over. I know it’s no longer morning, but I did say we would talk as soon as possible. Yesterday left me exhausted, so I woke up a little later than I had planned. 

Fierdan: Last night.. fuck. *reclines on his seat on the couch* 

Jack: *raises his eyebrows* Did you just wake up? Is this a bad time? I’m sorry.

Fierdan: What? No, of course not. *picks up the cup of coffee, stares at it before taking a few more sips* This is my third cup of the day. Or is it the fourth? I don’t know. It’s been.. fuck, I don’t know, that’s not important. 

Jack: Oh.. Oh uh, that’s good then. That I didn’t wake you up. *walks toward where Fierdan is* 

Fierdan: *scoffs* Does it look like I got any sleep last night or this morning? 

Jack: *stands still* Well, I.. *lowers head* no. 

Fierdan: Yeah, no shit. Why else would I be drinking so much coffee? The caffeine’s keeping me awake since I sure as hell am not planning on getting any sleep any time soon. My heart feels like it’s gonna explode out of my chest, no thanks to you startling me, but that’s just the price I have to pay.

Jack: *walks closer to the couch* I’m sorry. I thought you knew. Please don’t be mad. 

Fierdan: Why would I be mad at you? *snickers* At least you didn’t enter while I was naked or some shit. 

Jack: That’s not as awkward as you think it is. I’ve seen you naked countless times. 

Fierdan: *smirks* Oh, so you wouldn’t mind sneaking into my apartment and finding myself jerking myself off? Or would that just turn you on? 

Jack: *lets out a breath, glances around the room* Your place is such a mess. *looks back at Fierdan who is crossing his legs* And so are you. *sits down next to Fierdan on the couch* Ugh, you reek. 

Fierdan: *in a flat tone* Thanks. Now could you please tell me why you’re here? 

Jack: *ignoring Fierdan* It smells like something was burning for far too long. The stench of smoke is still in the air. You and your place really do look and smell like shit. *sighs* You need to take care of yourself, Fierdan. 

Fierdan: Hey, I do take care of myself. I showered earlier, and I took my meds. *sighs* Well, I had another breakdown after midnight, and… *groans* 

Jack: *looks sympathetically at Fierdan* Oh, you poor thing. You really can’t sleep alone, huh? You need to sleep with me in order to not… *gestures vaguely* 

Fierdan: Yeah, yeah. I’m a wreck without you. I’m too clingy and dependent. I can’t be left alone. Whatever. 

Jack: *stares at the shirt Fierdan is wearing* By the way, is that mine? 

Fierdan: *looks confused, glances down at the shirt* Huh? Oh, this? 

Jack: *nods* You borrowed it from me that one night. 

Fierdan: Okay so, do you want it back? 

Jack: Well, yeah. I forgot you still had it. 

Fierdan: So it’s not another gift from my boyfriend. Darn. 

Jack: That’s not what I intend—

Fierdan: Fine, it’s fine. Have it. *takes off the tank top, hands it over to Jack* 

Jack: *digs his fingers into the fabric, gives it a quick sniff and gags* Yep, this is going straight into the wash. I need to do laundry soon anyway. 

Fierdan: *picks up the cup again and quickly drinks the rest of his coffee* 

Jack: I just realized something. I shouldn’t be insulting the state your place is in. You spend the majority of the time outside of it, and most nights you spend at my place anyway. Was last night the most recent time you slept in your own bed in.. who knows how long? 

Fierdan: Yeah, I guess. It’s been a while. *stands up* It’s fine. I know this place is a mess. *kicks a short stack of papers* I don’t know why I have so many papers all over the damn place. 

Jack: Want me to help you clean up? 

Fierdan: What do you mean? 

Jack: The papers. All this shit you have lying around. 

Fierdan: *looks skeptical* Since when do you care about being neat and organized? 

Jack: I don’t. No, not really. But.. damn it, Fierdan. *inhales and coughs* There’s still so much smoke in here. And on you. 

Fierdan: It comes with pyrokinesis. Fire, burning, smoking. 

Jack: Or would you rather have me be useful another way? 

Fierdan: *faces Jack* And what way would that be? 

Jack: Do you want me to.. uh.. bathe you? Or help clean you in the shower? 

Fierdan: *smirks* You want to have shower sex, huh? 

Jack: *blushes, stammers* N-Not what I exactly meant, but if you—

Fierdan: I’m kidding. Besides, I seriously don’t want to be touched right now. Even by you. *sighs* I’m sorry. I don’t think I can tolerate physical contact. 

Jack: No, no. That’s completely fine. No wonder why you weren’t affectionate when I came. 

Fierdan: Hmm.. yeah. Late last night and this morning have been rough. Sorry.  

Jack: No need to be sorry. 

Fierdan: *nods* Well, I’m going to take a shower. Stay or leave, I don’t care. You can watch me shower as long as you don’t touch me. I feel like a ticking time bomb. 

Jack: *picks up one of the stacks of papers, frowns* I’ll try to make your place more habitable. 

Fierdan: Well, thank you. I’ll be back later, hopefully looking and smelling a lot better. See you in a bit. *has his empty coffee cup in one hand, raises his other arm to wave while his back is turned to Jack as he walks into the kitchen to put the cup and spoon into the sink before walking to his bedroom and then the bathroom* 

[During the next 20 to 30 minutes, Fierdan spends the time in the shower or drying himself afterward. In the meantime, Jack moves a few stacks of papers, magazines, and similar items from the couch and all over the floor to better places such as on top of an office desk. He also gathers scattered papers and makes a new stack out of them. He doesn’t observe them too closely nor does he wonder why Fierdan has so many. He is just glad to help. Jack then takes out the note that Fierdan left outside his door, reads it again, and flips it over to where he wrote “Tell him about Dylan” in blue ink (Fierdan wrote in black ink). Jack stuffs the note back into his pocket just as Fierdan enters the room, this time wearing dark gray jeans and a black hoodie.]

Fierdan: *looks around* Oh wow, you really did help clean up. Damn, Jack, thanks. 

Jack: *nods* Yeah. And you.. uh.. look better. *inhales, exhales slowly* Smell better, too. 

Fierdan: *grins* Glad to hear it. *walks over to the couch, sits down next to Jack* So. 

Jack: *looks confused* Yeah? 

Fierdan: There. *points* In your pocket. What do you have? 

Jack: Huh? The key? 

Fierdan: No, not that. The other thing. 

Jack: *swallows* Oh. You mean this? *takes out the note, unfolds it* 

Fierdan: *stares at it, bites lip* Yes. 

Jack: Well, you left it under my front door at some point last night. I know it’s yours. It’s in your handwriting. No one else would say anything like this anyway.  

Fierdan: *frowns* Of course it’s mine. You read it, I assume? 

Jack: *hesitates before nodding* Yeah, I did. Look, we can talk about—

Fierdan: It’s stupid. I should’ve known it couldn’t be me. 

Jack: Let me explain. I mean.. uh.. do you want me to? 

Fierdan: Yes! *shakes head* No. *his hands form fists* I don’t know. 

[“Don’t trust the master manipulator.” plays over and over in Fierdan’s head. Jack notices Fierdan appearing a lot more distressed all of a sudden, and he gives him a concerned look. Fierdan glares back at Jack, nearly jumping off the couch to increase distance from him. Then he puts a hand into his hoodie pocket, taking out a pack of cigarettes before opening it and grabbing a cigarette before sticking it in his mouth.]

Jack: *frowns* You just showered and got rid of the smoke smell. Are you sure that you want to do that right now? 

Fierdan: *responds by lighting his cigarette, smokes, one hand pressed firmly to the nearest wall after he stuffs the pack back in his pocket* 

Jack: What happened to you? Why are you smoking so often these days? 

Fierdan: *grabs the cigarette between his index and middle fingers, exhales and a puff of smoke escapes his lips, and he frowns at Jack before aggressively sticking it back in his mouth* 

Jack: What the hell? Why are you doing this shit? 

Fierdan: *takes out the cigarette* Don’t be a hypocritical piece of shit. And don’t shit with how I cope. 

Jack: I.. I’m sorry. Please, Danny, just tell me what’s wrong. You can talk to me. 

Fierdan: *leaves to dispose of the cigarette* No thanks. I can’t handle this shit. I’m done. 

Jack: What do you mean? 

Fierdan: *grits teeth* I mean I’m done. I am fucking done!

Jack: No, you have to tell me. What is it that I did wrong? 

Fierdan: Everything! What don’t you get? Go to hell, you toxic and manipulative son of a bitch. 

Jack: *rubs his temples* Your mood swings are such a pain. They’re much faster and severe in intensity now than they used to be. Maybe you need the dose of your medication adjusted.  

Fierdan: I can’t.. I can’t take this shit anymore! Fuck! *kicks the wall* 

Jack: *flinches at the noise of the wall being kicked* Your words hurt, you know. Fierdan, you can really be an asshole. 

Fierdan: You just came to my apartment uninvited to torture me! Of course I’m mad! 

Jack: *frowns deeply* That’s right. You are mad. Not just as in angry. You’re crazy. 

Fierdan: To nobody’s surprise! Who doesn’t already know that at this point? 

Jack: *takes a deep breath* Alright. So you want to know why I came. Yes? This is why. *flips the note over and shows Fierdan* 

Fierdan: *reads* “Tell him about Dylan” means what exactly? 

Jack: I was going to tell you, but since you’re being an ass, maybe I won’t. 

Fierdan: I spent a few hours last night with Dylan and Stella. Does it have anything to do with that? *panic replaces hostility on his face* Oh shit, did they tell you what I said? I was just messing around. It wasn’t serious, I swear! 

Jack: Do you still want me to go? 

Fierdan: Ugh, stop manipulating me. You’re a dick. 

Jack: So are you. 

Fierdan: Ugh, just tell me already! 

Jack: I’ll tell you after you calm down. 

Fierdan: *sighs* Fine. Fine! 

[For some reason, Fierdan thinks about some things Stella and Dawn told him in recent conversations. Then he starts thinking about how Dylan reacted to some things he said last night. And some things Dylan said as well.] 

Fierdan: *takes a deep breath* Okay. You can tell me. 

Jack: Nope. Not yet. 

Fierdan: What do you mean, no? Do you want me to get all pissed off again? I have a quick fuse. 

Jack: I know. It’s just that it’s a long story. I need to provide context. 

Fierdan: Okay? Then do that. 

Jack: Okay so. Remember what I said that other night? 

Fierdan: You have to be more specific than that. 

Jack: You’re right. Remember what I said about Dylan and me? Be.. Before you really entered the picture? 

Fierdan: Uh.. *scratches head* I think so? You told me you used to be close friends.. I don’t know about best friends.. but I knew you said you two were close and hung out a lot. Probably doing nerd shit. 

Jack: Nerd shit? 

Fierdan: You know what I mean. Playing video games, card games, board games.. shit like that. 

Jack: *frowns* So you think playing games is nerdy. I thought you enjoyed playing them with me. Am I not cool enough for you? 

Fierdan: Ugh, you’re making it seem like I said something offensive. 

Jack: That’s because you did. I’m a gamer. Not as much as I used to be. *sighs* All this work and these missions, and just.. you. You’re such high maintenance. I mean, I know that and always did, but like.. god. *sighs again* I love playing games. No, not toxic manipulative mind games or whatever the fuck you were on about. I wish I had more time to play. Dylan is obviously a gamer too; it’s not like he hides it very well. Him and I.. well.. we used to play games together all the time. I mean, very often. 

Fierdan: So.. why don’t the two of you still play together? Or like, at least hang out since you’re good friends? 

Jack: We.. We can’t. 

Fierdan: Why? 

Jack: Because.. *breathes out slowly* Because of you. 

Fierdan: Because of.. me? 

Jack: *nods* That’s right. Well, also because of what became of us. It’s just.. I don’t know. Things got awkward fast and so complicated. I’m sorry. 

Fierdan: Stop saying sorry and just tell me already! So much build up, and it’s probably no big deal. 

Jack: No big deal? I.. I don’t think so. 

Fierdan: That’s what I said. Dylan and I talked last night, and I might already know what it is that you’re struggling to tell me. I have my suspicions.  

[Some time passes. I’m not sure how long exactly. It could be anything from 5 minutes to an hour. Jack has been explaining things to Fierdan about himself and Dylan. Fierdan has become more mentally stable, or at least he gives off the impression that he’s calm and relaxed.] 

Jack: To be completely honest, Dylan and I weren’t always ‘just’ friends. Not long before you came here, the two of us had this.. this special arrangement. 

Fierdan: You can just tell me you were—

Jack: No! We never dated. We were never in a romantic relationship. Dylan set that boundary in stone and kept making sure I knew it was nothing more than what it was. 

Fierdan: I know that, dumbass! Dylan is aromantic and romance repulsed. 

Jack: *rubs the back of his neck, laughs awkwardly* Oh, you knew. That’s good. 

Fierdan: *sighs* Do I have to say it out loud for you? *pauses* But then again, it would be extremely awkward if I’m going to the wrong conclusions. 

Jack: *takes a deep breath before facing Fierdan* Okay. Okay then. You deserve to know. It’s been far too long.

Fierdan: *is about to say something then decides against it and keeps his mouth shut* 

Jack: For a few months, Dylan and I were friends with benefits. We stayed in a friends with benefits relationship until.. until just before you and the rest of them arrived here. We cut things off, and there’s nothing between us anymore. *pauses* Wait. Do you know what friends with benefits means? 

Fierdan: *sighs* Who do you take me for? 

Jack: *looks worried* Umm…

Fierdan: Of course I know. 

Jack: *blurts out* I’m sorry for hiding it from you for so long. Oh god, this is so awkward to talk about. Like.. you guys. Fire and water. Opposites. And I had sex with both of you. Ugh, I’m sorry. Why can’t I shut up? Please don’t hate me for this. It was a long time ago. 

Fierdan: Well, yeah, I feel weird and awkward as hell if I think about it in detail. I mean, you’re my boyfriend and we’ve been together for several months now, and he’s a friend of mine as well now.. I mean, acquaintances. Are we friends? I’m not sure. But like.. we know each other and see each other often. It’s not like we’re strangers by any means. 

Jack: Ah yeah, that’s fair. *fidgets with his hands* Dylan found out that I talked to you about our friendship, then he found out I never told you that big detail, and he put pressure on me to tell you. I mean, it is better for me to tell you than him, I suppose? He probably could say it more eloquently, but it’s fine. This is fine. Now you know. Please don’t kill me. Or him for that matter. 

Fierdan: Stop overthinking. I don’t hate you for what you did, and I’m not going to kill anyone. Slow down and breathe. 

Jack: So.. So what do you think? 

Fierdan: *arches eyebrow* And what’s that supposed to mean? 

Jack: Just.. how does learning all this make you feel? *taps fingers on the edge of the couch* 

Fierdan: Why do you care so much about what I think? We weren’t together when you were having sex with Dylan. We probably didn’t even know the other existed back then, so tell me. Why the hell would I give a shit? 

Jack: Because we’re a couple now. And.. and…

Fierdan: Look, Jack, here’s the thing. I don’t have enough fucks to give to get all caught up and emotional over everyone you fucked or got fucked by before me. I know the list is longer than just Dylan and myself. You’re acting silly. 

Jack: Ah yeah, that’s true. You know me well. I guess I got so worried because it was with Dylan and not with some random guy you never met or heard of. And.. well, it’s stupid but…

Fierdan: Hmm? *scoots closer to Jack on the couch* 

Jack: I’ve been in rather shitty gay social circles in the past. And I just know that if they ever found out that I had sex with Dylan, they would say I’m a fraud and shouldn’t call myself a gay man. So what if I’m attracted to men only and Dylan is a man? That’s not what they’ll think. *sighs* They’re transphobic pieces of shit, those guys, but they messed me up badly and I’m paranoid they’ll find me again. I shouldn’t care what they think, and I disagree with them on so many things now, but.. I’m scared he’s going to find me again. I’m a white cis gay. I have privileges. I’m just scared of them finding out about my friends, those I care about.. you. 

Fierdan: *covers Jack’s fidgeting hand with his own, gives a gentle squeeze* Those guys are pathetic assholes. They’re the ones in the wrong if they think Dylan is a woman. *sighs* Trans men are men, trans women are women, and nonbinary people are, well, whatever genders they say there are. 

Jack: Heh. I just know that those shitheads will hate you too. If you’re not a white cisgender gay man or lesbian, they’ll hate you. *sighs* Yeah, they were racist. 

Fierdan: So they would hate me for being bisexual? It really is such a crime to not be exclusively attracted to the same sex, huh? What a sad life they must live, believing bigoted exclusionist shit. *puts one of his legs over Jack’s* And not just that. Are you saying those pricks would also hate me for being mixed? That’s fucking sad. *pauses* Where did you even meet and get involved with people like that? 

Jack: Yeah, they were bad. I hope they changed their ways, but I have no motivation to check. I’m probably dead to them already for so many reasons. Especially him. *his hand starts trembling* 

Fierdan: *squeezes his hand again* It’s okay. If they consider you dead, then they’re dead to us too. Except if you want to be ghosts and haunt them. I’d be up for that. 

Jack: Thanks for the support. *looks up at the ceiling* As for your questions, I met them a long time ago. I forgot how many years it’s been since then. *sighs* I had a rough journey to come to the point where I am now. Like, you know, being so accepting and not a bigoted asshole basically. It also took me years to embrace my sexuality and not see it as a source of shame and trauma. I did lots of things I regret because of it. I didn’t really deny it, but I suppressed it and kept it to myself for my own safety and survival for years. And me being a closeted kid who didn’t know any better, who lived such an isolated life and didn’t know anything beyond that small world.. when I finally did find a gay social group, they ended up being bigots with the only difference being these ones were gay. I didn’t know any better. It definitely didn’t help that the world I grew up in was very.. not diverse. It was very old-fashioned, stuck in the past. Like, decades upon decades in the past. 

Fierdan: I don’t know what to reply with, so can I give you a hug instead? 

Jack: *looks down, faces Fierdan* Are you fine with that? 

Fierdan: I’m the one who offered. And no, I don’t feel like my skin is on fire anymore or that any touch will scar me. I’m better now. *closes his eyes as he smiles* 

Jack: *smiles back* Okay then sure. You can hug me. 

Fierdan: Great! *climbs into Jack’s lap, his arms wrapping around Jack’s neck or shoulders, his legs wrapping around the other man’s torso* 

Jack: *blushes* Oh, you meant this. And.. *grimaces* Be careful where you’re sitting, damn it! You’re on my groin. 

Fierdan: *grins deviously* I’m feeling horny again. I need to be touched. Only by you. 

Jack: Damn it, Fierdan. 

Fierdan: What? Do you not want to? I can stop—

Jack: *blushes more* No, don’t stop. It’s just that your sudden changes in mood, emotions, attitude.. all of it.. can give me vertigo. It’s a rollercoaster. I need time to process. Sure, my mind is usually racing and lots of trains of thought are happening at the same time, but still. 

Fierdan: Yesterday.. god, you have no idea how much you fucked me up. We can discuss the note I left you later. I still need to talk about it with you, but now.. *brushes his bangs away from his forehead* we have more pressing matters. 

Jack: Fuck… Why do you somehow look even hotter when you move your hair like that? It should be illegal. 

Fierdan: I’m already illegal, darling. *pauses* Shit, shit, shit. Not like that. 

Jack: Because of what we do. Because you were a wanted man and a killer. Because you’re you. Hell, I did lots of criminal things myself. 

Fierdan: Yes, that. That’s exactly what I meant. 

Jack: We’re adults who are nearly the same age. What else would it be? 

Fierdan: *responds by leaning close to Jack so their foreheads touch, then pulling away and giving him a quick kiss on the nose*  

Jack: A nose kiss? I didn’t expect that. 

Fierdan: Darling, I’m unpredictable. You should know this by now. 

Jack: Yeah, of course. If you wanted to know how my nose piercing felt on your lips, then who am I to stop you? You do you. 

Fierdan: Well.. hmm.. it tastes like metal. 

Jack: *laughs* You’re so silly, Danny boy. 

Fierdan: It’s so cute when you call me Danny. It’s like yes. I am your Danny boy. 

Jack: *kisses Fierdan on the lips* 

Fierdan: *blushes when Jack’s tongue slips into his mouth, starts moving his hips while sitting on top of Jack* 

Jack: *pulls away several seconds later* Now that’s how it’s done. 

Fierdan: I.. I see. *stops moving, tries to regulate his breathing* Damn, my heart is still beating so fast from all the caffeine. You’re also making my heart race, so rescue it if it beats out of my chest or explodes. 

Jack: Take off your hoodie. 

Fierdan: Good idea. We should unbutton our pants while we’re at it. 

Jack: I mean, yeah, we should at this rate, but just your hoodie is enough for now. 

Fierdan: Sure. Hold on. *takes off the hoodie, revealing a T-shirt underneath* Want me to take my shirt off too? 

Jack: It’s good enough. 

Fierdan: For what? 

Jack: *presses his palm to Fierdan’s chest, closes his eyes as he feels his heartbeat* Mm, I’m not sure what a fast heartbeat really is anymore because of my meds, but I’m pretty sure yours is beating faster than it usually is. I assume so anyway because of all that coffee. And myself. 

Fierdan: Do you feel it? It’s so fast. Maybe we should stop. Ugh, I don’t want to though. 

Jack: Stop exaggerating. Your heart isn’t gonna explode. At least I highly doubt it. 

Fierdan: *rolls eyes* Wow, you’re so reassuring. 

Jack: *grins, starts touching Fierdan in other places* 

Fierdan: *blushes again* Oh.. oh fuck! 

Jack: Hmm? *bites lip seductively* 

Fierdan: Is it fucked up that I’m feeling this way after you told me the news about you and Dylan? Did I curse myself? 

Jack: *face looks blank for a few seconds* Oh.. fuck, I don’t know. 

Fierdan: Also, when you told me, I had to stop myself from saying “I figured”—

Jack: What? You’re still thinking about all that while we’re—

Fierdan: Ugh, I’m sorry. It would’ve been weird of me to say “I figured” in response to you telling me you two were friends with benefits. That’s just weird. 

Jack: *arches eyebrow, frowns* And you mentioning it now, in the middle of our.. activities, is less weird? *shakes head* Was it that obvious that we had that kind of relationship? Or did he just end up telling you himself? You spent hours together last night, right? 

Fierdan: No, no. Dylan never told me outright. It was just easy for me to come to that conclusion based on how he reacted to some things I said. 

Jack: What the hell did you two talk about? 

Fierdan: I was just messing with him, that’s all. You know how he is. 

Jack: What did you do last night, Fierdan? 

Fierdan: No more ‘Danny boy’ then? 

Jack: *looks annoyed* Fierdan! What the hell did you do? 

Fierdan: See, it’s funny. I asked him if he wanted to have sex— not anything romantic, of course— like a hate fuck to release some.. tension, and he freaked out. He was all like “I have standards” and that killed me. Then I kept dragging the joke on— after I told him I wasn’t serious and how he isn’t my type, mind you— and then he got in on it, and we both ended up joking about me fucking him. It was just a fucked up joke. He even made a comment about me giving you head. Sucking your cock. It was hilarious. He’s a dirty, sly bastard like we both are. 

Jack: *frowns* So you still want to fuck him? Because you found out I used to? 

Fierdan: No, no. I started saying that shit before I found out. 

Jack: So.. So what does that mean? 

Fierdan: Nothing! It was just a joke.

Jack: *yells* Who the fuck says that kind of shit? What the fuck is your problem? 

Fierdan: Why are you so worked up? 

Jack: Because you really are an asshole! *shoves Fierdan off his lap* 

Fierdan: *rubs his side* No need to be so harsh. 

Jack: *laughs coldly* You’re funny if you think I’ll still be willing to have sex with you. 

Fierdan: What? Why? 

Jack: The fact that you’re asking… *punches a cushion on the couch* Fuck you, Fierdan. Fuck you. 

Fierdan: I could only assume that you and Dylan shared some.. history after I saw his reaction when I talked about how sexual I am with you. It would be better with more context, but this is what I basically told him: “It further proves how much Duke is influencing me. Except not really. Duke can’t take all the credit. I’m sexual enough without Duke interference. Ask Jack.” And he.. hearing me say your name in that context made him react. Like, oh shit. There had to be something going on. And my suspicions were correct.

Jack: You are really testing my patience. 

Fierdan: I’ll explain then! You should also know that my current state of existence.. this version of myself.. is a combination of my Duke self and my Cincernum era self. At different times, it feels like they’re controlling or influencing me more than the other. I mean, I’m still my own person. I’m not either of them, not exactly, but I have like two souls and sets of memories now. I don’t feel like I’m a single entity. I’m not normal. I know that. Hey, are you even still listening? 

Jack: You’re not normal. You’re insane. What else is new? 

Fierdan: What are you on about? I’m talking to you about how my mind works. 

Jack: Good for you. 

Fierdan: Are you being passive aggressive on purpose? 

Jack: Me? Passive aggressive? Oh no. 

Fierdan: Stop that! You’re starting to get on my nerves. 

Jack: You shouldn’t have said that shit to Dylan or me. In what world do you think I would let that shit pass? You need to be called out for it. Damn it, it’s not fucking okay to do that! 

Fierdan: Why are you so angry? 

Jack: You’re one to talk about anger. You and your brother… *laughs coldly* 

Fierdan: Jack, wait. I’m sorry, okay? I love you more than any—

Jack: If that’s how you act when I’m not around, then how can I trust you? 

Fierdan: Trust? What? 

Jack: Do I have to define ‘trust’ for you? 

Fierdan: Of course not. *glares at Jack, tone of voice changes, stands up* You really are a fucking hypocrite. You talk about trust and how you can’t trust me when.. when you… *tears form in his eyes* How can I trust you when you’re constantly tormenting me? Am I a puppet again? Are you my new puppet master? 

Jack: *stands up and takes a few steps back* What are you pulling now, Fierdan? 

Fierdan: No. What are you pulling? Manipulating is what you do best. It’s how you survived in this cold, cruel world. Creating illusions, messing with people’s perceptions.. that’s what you do. *sighs* You are the master manipulator. I was warned not to trust you. I’m done. I’m sick of being treated like a toy that everyone can mess around with. I’m fucking done! You hear me? I am done. 

Jack: *looks less angry and more scared* What are you talking about? I wasn’t manipulating you. It’s not a lie. 

Fierdan: How can I trust you? You’re the master manipulator, after all. 

Jack: God.. what does that even mean? Who told you that? 

Fierdan: Why should I tell you? *sighs* They did. 

Jack: Who? 

Fierdan: You should know. I know what you did. 

Jack: And what did I do? 

Fierdan: *yells* The dead should stay dead! 

Jack: Fierdan, I mean it. What are you talking about? Are you struggling with psychosis again? It’s not real. Or Soulless is haunting you again. It’s gone now. Soulless can’t hurt you anymore. 

Fierdan: It wasn’t Soulless! It was them. Those three who died. I didn’t exactly murder them, but they all died because of me. I miss them, yeah, but it doesn’t mean you have the right to trick me and the rest of us into thinking they’re still alive or somehow came back to life. That’s not right! 

Jack: You are sleep deprived and running only on caffeine. I’m going to leave, so you can rest. Okay? 

Fierdan: You can’t just leave now! What the fuck? 

Jack: *grabs the shirt* Oh, really? Then watch me. *opens the front door and exits through it, closing the door behind him* 

——————————————

What a rollercoaster. 

That was a lot. 

End of Confessions, part 6. 

~ Shan / Shyrah 

End of May (Me) + Characters Trash Thoughts ???

 Hi, I'm back. *insert some kind of intro here* 

Alright so, I found out something. I'm able to comment signed in to my Google account when I'm on my computer. So that's good. But my phone said no. My phone won't let me. So that's not good. It's annoying and I have no way to fix it. 

*sigh* cowboy sad *sigh* 

(... what?) (just go along with it)

I'm typing this on my computer. I haven't done this in ages. Yes, I've been typing all the skit posts on my phone. I have problems, okay.

Anyway, what did I want to talk about? Hmm...

Well, it's the last day of May 2023. It's already June in most places, but I'm in America, so.. yeah. 

Where did the time go? I have no idea. My birthday was around a week ago. I'm a year older now. That's crazy. I keep getting older, and I hate it. I hate being an adult and having to do adult responsibilities. Also like, who and what the heck am I? I have no clue. Inside my head feels clouded and like there are fish swimming around in circles. 

About my mind, I realized something a few weeks ago. It's this: I have a few brain cells left. And each one is a character in my recent skits. 

They are constantly bickering in my head and thoughts. It's funny, yeah, but it's also obnoxious. Look, I get that he's an asshole. That's the point. I hate him lmao. *cough* Fierdan *cough*

Oh wait. Let me start over. My last few brain cells are these: Stella, Dylan, Fierdan, Ryen, and Jack. There is a ton of conflict and bickering. It's funny though. Like hahaha, you know? 

My last three brain cells: Stella, Fierdan, and Dylan in my recent skits. Yes. It just is. 

They are all very different from me, but they're also all me. It's weird and makes no sense, but that's just how it is. 

(Yeah, I'm not okay right now. lmao XD)

... I feel like clarifying the ages of my characters in my skits yet again. Okay so, this is how I view their ages:

- Fierdan: 22-24 years old 

- Jack: 23-25 years old (is a few months to a year older than Fierdan)

- Dawn: 20-22 years old (is nearly 2 years younger than Fierdan)

- Ryen: 26-28 years old (is 4 years older than Fierdan)

- Stella: 18-19 years old 

- Dylan: 19-20 years old (is around a year older than Stella)

Uh.. so yeah. Those age ranges. Mhmm. 20s vibes. Yeah. Mhmm. 

... I'm joking about the brain cells. You know that, right? Right, guys, right? I'm not being completely serious. 

It really does feel like those three (Stella, Dylan, Fierdan) are different sides to my personality/self-perception. They're all so different, so it's pretty funny. Yeah lmao, I have no idea who or what I am. Identity issues, woo! *insert a keysmash here*

Stella is probably most like me but off. There are major differences between me and her. So maybe I'm most like Dylan. We're similar but not the same. Like okay, if I wasn't ace/ace-spec and am a binary trans guy instead of nonbinary gender *flails hands and shrugs* genderqueer, then yeah, maybe I would be Dylan. 

Oh, I know! My thoughts about my sexuality are on a metronome ticking between Stella and Fierdan. I thought I was like Stella. Lots of what she is and says resonate me (being asexual and sex-repulsed or averse). But for a while now, it's been confusing for me to figure out. Like, screw it, maybe I'm bi or pan. idk anymore. I'm not straight, that's all I know lmao. 

Of course I'm not like actually like Fierdan because.. come on, he basically fulfills the role of my impulsivity (violent and self-destructive edition). Impulsive thoughts toward sex, maybe love (??), and drugs and alcohol. Yep, that's him. Oh and the relationship difficulties and identity disturbances (well, kind of). He fills that role. I like to put all that shit onto him, and he makes it his own until I don't see myself in him anymore (or at least no one else can). 

Fierdan also really just embodies my intrusive thoughts, but in another way from how Soulless and Taurel do. Like, he suffers from intrusive thoughts from all his trauma, but his existence also makes up my intrusive thoughts (the violence, the homicidal intrusive thoughts, the urge to burn everything (destroy it all), the borderline of becoming an addict). Yeah sorry, it's hard for me to articulate. I doubt I'm making any sense. Oh well. 

He doesn't have OCD though. I've been wondering if Dylan and/or Ryen have/has OCD, but I'm not sure yet. 

Does Fierdan suffer from psychosis? Maybe? Who the hell knows? *shrugs* Mentally unstable.. mmmffghfghfh.

... So far, this is the only dialogue I have planned for the next Confessions skit part. I haven't decided which character says it yet. (lmao)

Character @ Fierdan: You look like shit. 

Who says it? I'm not sure. Will it be Jack, Brock, Dylan, Ryen, or some other character I haven't thought of yet? Well, only time will tell. *shrugs*

And what's Fierdan doing? Why does he open his front door? Does the other character just barge into his apartment? I don't know. I can imagine Fierdan drinking coffee or smoking a cigarette when it happens. 

It's funny because Fierdan was just dissing Dylan's outfit the night before and the next day he looks like shit and smells like burnt trash. How ironic. He looks and smells like shit. Take another shower, Fierdan, please. *smh*

I also can't decide on whether to make Fierdan and Jack's first interaction be silly and not-that-serious, or if I should crank up the angst and hide my tears from falling down. It's a disaster, and they're impulsive as hell with histories of being manipulative just in different ways. Problematic impulsive couple for real! Ahhhhhh—

I have lots of thoughts about Dawn as well. I'd rather keep them to myself for now though. 

Dawn, making me question my sexuality. *smh, smh* Why is she so pretty and gorgeous and lovely? Like, shit, you have no idea. Damn..!!

And we all know how I (mostly as a joke, I swear, but it's not entirely, even I know that) have a crush on Fierdan. We all know, okay (*crying, sobbing, rolling on the floor*). 

But like it's gay. With Dawn, it's gay. With Fierdan, it's gay. I am girlboygirlboygirl boygirl but also nothing. Yes. Me. 

But with Dylan now too. Because.. he! His attitude, his personality.. how he's also autistic. Like, mm okay. 

... *head is empty, stares at screen with a blank look in my eyes* huh.

~*void*~

Picture time! Wahoo!!

*insert self advertisement here about how these are my products (they're mine!) and something about my joke of an Etsy shop :3 meow meow meow~*

~more void~

!!!

I took these pictures on her birthday this year. My kitty cat baby is 11 years old! My Thelma baby (wahhhh)!! <3

I bought the tuxedo cat stuffed animal because it kinda-but-not-really looks like Thelma. 

No, every tuxedo cat I meet looks like Thelma. They're all her. Every cat is the same. *smh, smh* (am kidding, please laugh like hahaha :) yes)

meow meow meow meow meow me—

... "Oh deer!" haha I'm so funny. mood. that's me. you look at me and go "oh dear!" but it's a deer, so it becomes "oh deer!" :D hehe haha XD

meow meow me-ow ~*~*~

Anyway, have these pictures of some of my characters with absolutely no context. Them! Look at them! You must! 

(Actually, I don't really care. I'll make an official Picrew post later.)

... who are they? 

heh heh heh >:)

them <3 

... I'll introduce them as best I can and show everyone else when I make a proper Picrew post. Just have this for now. Alright?

Actually, have these too. :')

hehe :3

Main or better known characters of mine coming later. Let these fellas have the spotlight for once. 

(The last one in that ugly green sweater is Brock. Just thought I'd put it out there.)

It's the end of May. 

End of May. End of me. 

It's the end. 

~ Shan, Shyrah, whatever my name is. 

Confessions 5 (skit)

Hi, I’m here to post part 5 of the Confessions skit series. 

It’s been less than a week since part 4, I know, but I already had planned out the majority of what will happen in this one before I was finished with part 4.

That’s because part 5 doesn’t happen in chronological order. Part 5 (this post’s skit) takes place between the end of part 3 and the start of part 4.. well, with a few minutes between the end of part 3 and the start of part 5. So I guess in chronological order, the events will go part 3, part 5, and then part 4. I hope that explanation is sufficient. 

Anyway, a few more points I want to mention before starting the skit. 

These 2023 skits, particularly all in the Confessions series, are loosely based on events I have for story 2. Well, at least more so than the skit series I wrote in 2018, for example. 

There are, of course, some differences. *cough* The infamous coffee shop dream. It never fully escaped my head even after all these years. I even wrote about it during an April Fool’s skit a few years ago. 

Yes, my sanity is questionable. Plus, I am problematic and evil. >:3 

The ending of part 4 with Fierdan and Jack is another skit-only thing. It’s the skit version of the conflict. Well, the very start of it. And.. it breaks my heart. 

Okay, I might just want to make them return as skit characters. I miss them. It doesn’t make sense for them to be present in the story 2 canon, but like.. I miss them. … I hope I don’t have to spell it out who the three of them are. Please… </3

Another point is this: There’s an elephant in the room. I know. I’m well aware of it. 

I don’t really see any point in beating around the bush anymore. It’s been subtle in my skits and even in story 1 for years now. Sure, I was never that blunt and explicit about it in the past, but like.. is it really that shocking that sexuality is present just like violence is? And besides, the violence is more graphic and explicit than anything explicitly sexual. The latter is really just characters talking, not the actions and scenes themselves.

Come on, haha, I’ve called Fierdan’s existence rated R or M for mature before. He isn’t meant for child audiences. Come on now. 

That also includes Duke and Jack. Others too like Dylan, but especially those three. Ugh, don’t get me started on Jack. 

I’ll admit that parts 3 and 4 were a bit much. They were a lot. The next part won’t have as many mentions of sexual content or any at all. This part has some as well, to be clear.

One last thing: I have lots of queer characters. I’m older now and tired of trying to censor their queerness. Same goes for my own. I began planning out their not-being-cishet years ago. This isn’t a spontaneous thing for “woke” points or whatever. This is who they are. 

This isn’t a place for homophobes, transphobes, and queerphobes. It never was and never will be. This is a pro-LGBTQ+, pro-queer space. 

With all that out of the way, it’s time for the list of warnings which I feel obligated to show. 

**WARNINGS: strong/explicit language, mentions of violence (including murder and death) and sexual content. 

————————————

[This skit part takes place between parts 3 and 4. It starts a few minutes after the end of part 3. The three are on Stella’s couch: Dylan on one end, Stella in the middle, Fierdan on the other end. There is a bag of mini pretzels on the coffee table by the couch. Stella has calmed down a little, having just rubbed her eyes and dried the tears away.] 

Stella: So, is this going to be like a therapy session? 

Dylan: *says under his breath* A therapy session? What a joke. *grabs another pretzel and pops it in his mouth* 

Fierdan: Yeah, sure, hold on a minute. *takes off the jacket he’s been wearing since he entered Stella’s apartment, stands up, and folds it over the back of the closest chair* 

Dylan: *glances at Fierdan standing by the chair* Is that suede? 

Fierdan: *turns from looking at the jacket to Dylan and back again* My jacket? 

Dylan: What else would I be talking about? 

Fierdan: Uh… *rubs the back of his neck* I guess that’s fair. 

Dylan: Why did you even wear it here? In fact, why are you wearing your current outfit at all? Are you sure you aren’t going out later tonight? 

Fierdan: *sighs* Here comes the bombardment of questions. I’m too tired to go out after this. I don’t have any other plans for the night. 

Dylan: Aren’t you a night owl? 

Fierdan: Yeah, so what? 

Dylan: Then what’s with the suede jacket, the patterned buttoned shirt, and the dress pants? You look like you dressed up for a date. 

Stella: *has been tapping her fingers on the edge of the coffee table, blushes* D-Date? Who said anything about a date? 

Fierdan: *frowns* This isn’t a date. You should know better. *sighs* Then again, you assumed I came here to assault Stella because of.. what? How I look? 

Dylan: *lowers head* I know, I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. 

Fierdan: Are you that insecure in how you look that you have to do that shit? Are you jealous that I have a sense of fashion and care about my appearance? 

Dylan: *frowns* What is that supposed to mean? Are you judging the clothes I chose to wear to hang out with a friend in the evening? 

Stella: *smiles when she hears “friend” and eats a few pretzels* 

Fierdan: If that’s what you think, then sure. *walks back to the couch and sits down*

Dylan: *looks down at his sweatpants* Hey, they’re comfy. I like these sweatpants. 

Fierdan: *smirks* At least Stella is wearing jeans. Those pants and that T-shirt.. do you even care about what you look like? 

Dylan: *hands form fists* You’re such an asshole. 

Stella: *sighs* Guys, please, not now. *fidgets with her hands* How should I start this? 

Dylan: Just spill it. 

Fierdan: *rolls eyes* Wow, you’re so helpful. 

Dylan: *glares at Fierdan, angrily grabs another pretzel* 

Stella: *takes a deep breath* It haunts me how I didn’t really feel anything when those events happened. I feel like they should’ve affected me more, but they just don’t. It’s hard not to feel convinced that I’m heartless and am cold as ice. *stares at her hands* There has to be something wrong with me. 

Dylan: You’re such a sweet person to think that when he’s here. He’s the one who isn’t normal and has a long list of things wrong with him. 

Fierdan: Wow, thanks so much. He’s saying the truth though. *crosses his legs* 

Stella: I’m just scared that I don’t truly feel anything. *sighs* Maybe my depression was at an all-time low back then. That’s probably it. 

Fierdan: *faces Stella* If it’s still bothering you, talk about it. Here, with us. This isn’t a formal therapy session. 

Dylan: Well, obviously it isn’t. 

Stella: I know, I know. *relaxes her tense shoulders* You’re right. *lets out a long breath* The truth is… 

Fierdan: Yes? 

Stella: There was a time when I nearly killed my parents. I was just so angry at everything and everyone. 

Fierdan: *grabs a few pretzels* Who am I to judge? I killed my father. 

Dylan: *mutters* How many times do you have to remind us? *speaks louder, to Stella* You didn’t, right? 

Stella: No. *shakes head* No, I didn’t. But I was very close to. Well, injuring them. 

Fierdan: *with a pretzel in his mouth* There’s a difference between causing an injury and murdering someone. 

Dylan: *rolls eyes* So annoying. 

Stella: I.. I know. I didn’t care at all about them, nor was I aware of how far I could’ve gone if.. if he didn’t intervene. I could’ve very possibly had my mother and father killed because of my power. It’s dangerous. I can be a danger to others. 

Fierdan: We all are. 

Stella: *nods* Yeah, I know. But still… 

Dylan: Sorry to interrupt, but who is this ‘he’ you speak of? 

Stella: Oh, uh, it was Jack. 

Dylan: Oh.. I see. Jack sure is an interesting fellow. *scratches the back of his neck* 

Fierdan: Yeah, he’s kind of like a savior. More of one than Taurel ever was, that’s for sure. Jack saved Stella and me from doing things we would later regret. He saved me when I was Duke and wanted to destroy Taurel and fuck him up beyond any recognition. 

Stella: Mhmm. It’s not just that though. 

Dylan: What? 

Stella: I haven’t seen my parents since that day. Back then, I didn’t worry about whether they were safe. *her hands start trembling* I.. I don’t even know if they’re alive or dead. I have no idea if they survived the end of the world. I just.. I didn’t give a shit about them. What kind of daughter am I to be this.. this… 

Fierdan: From what I remember you telling Duke, your parents were terrible people. There’s nothing wrong with you for reacting the way you did. 

Stella: I mean, yeah, but… *shakes head* No! Of course you won’t get it! *hastily grabs a few pretzels* 

Dylan: Violence isn’t the answer. Fierdan has to stop normalizing it. 

Fierdan: *uncrosses legs* Hey, I don’t normalize violence. I don’t promote that shit. 

Dylan: *arches eyebrow, faces Fierdan* Oh, really? Are you sure about that? 

Fierdan: Stop demonizing me! 

Dylan: I’m just stating the facts. 

Fierdan: *sighs, doesn’t look at either of them, leans back* It’s too hot in here. *unbuttons the top button of his shirt, sighs again* 

Stella: *frowns, to Fierdan* My parents were still regular, ordinary people. They weren’t even close to being on the same level as yours. Despite everything, I hope mine are okay. I don’t know what I would do with myself if my very last interaction with them was that one. 

Dylan: Give up, Stella. Fierdan is beyond saving. He can’t sympathize and empathize with anyone who doesn’t completely hate their parents, even if they did harmful things. 

Fierdan: Ugh, shut up. 

Dylan: Alright. Prove me wrong then. 

Fierdan: *looks like he’s about to say something but only kicks the closest leg of the table to him* 

Dylan: *grins* Thought so. 

Stella: Alright, alright. Maybe I’m not actually heartless if I’m thinking these thoughts. I’m not a heartless killer.

Dylan: Of course you aren’t. 

Fierdan: I’m a killer, yeah yeah, but I’m not heartless. I killed passionately, I love passionately, I have sex passionately—

Dylan: Shut the hell up. You are such a nuisance. 

Fierdan: Your insults only make me want to laugh, shortie. 

Dylan: I can’t help being short! 

Fierdan: You’re a short king. Is that better? 

Dylan: *sighs* Sure, whatever, I don’t care. 

Stella: *ignoring both of them* I can’t help wondering why it took me this long to start thinking this way. Instead of, you know, being a cold, heartless and emotionless monster. 

Fierdan: *folds his arms behind his head* Severe depressive episode moment. Being so apathetic and not giving a shit about anyone or anything. You can only think about your own suffering and pain that everyone else’s doesn’t exist. You’re so caught up in your own head and you’re so self-centered, but at the same time, you have no self-esteem and wish you were dead. 

Dylan: *stares at Fierdan* 

Fierdan: Why are you staring at me like that? I have a long history of depression. Duke, too. 

Stella: Yeah, it’s probably just my silly depression, ha ha. *pauses* Damn, did it really take me that wrong to get out of that episode? Like, fuck, I can’t believe I felt nothing. *pauses again* No, it can’t just be due to depression. It can’t. No, that makes no sense. *shakes head* Ugh, I don’t know! 

Dylan: One thing at a time. Take your time, Stella. 

Fierdan: Yeah, what he said. 

Stella: It’s funny in a way. During our last interaction, they thought I was a boy. That’s what I heard them say. I know they were referring to me. *sighs* They didn’t even recognize their own daughter. But at the same time, being called a ‘boy’ felt relieving. That I didn’t have to keep all the pressure with everything between us. I was able to just be a stranger. 

Fierdan: It’s not ridiculous, to be honest. Back then, you recently cut your hair short— like a messy pixie cut— and you don’t exactly dress feminine. You could easily pass as a boy if people aren’t paying much attention. 

Dylan: Why is hearing that giving me an odd sense of gender euphoria? 

Stella: I don’t know, could it be because you’re a transmasc individual? *giggles* 

Dylan: Oh yeah, that’s right! Thanks for reminding me. *giggles* 

Stella: *smiles* No problem. 

Fierdan: Your giggling is cute, Dylan. 

Dylan: *blushes, turns away* You.. You stay out of this, Fire Dan. 

Fierdan: You calling me that is adorable. I’ll allow it from you. 

Dylan: *frowns* Oh my god, shut up! 

Stella: During that time with my parents, I was in the middle of having a identity crisis. I still don’t know for sure who I am, but man.. it was so bad back then. It makes me cringe when I think back on it. *pauses* I just.. I know this sounds stupid, but… 

Dylan: It’s not stupid. What is it? 

Stella: I.. I wanted to become Duke. 

Dylan: *swallows a few times, stammers* Oh.. I.. I see. 

Stella: Stupid of me, I know. God, I’m so embarrassing. 

Dylan: I don’t know why you chose him. Was it because he was the only one your age you spent the most time with during those months? 

Stella: Well.. yeah. I think I just thought he looked so cool, and I wanted his attitude and confidence. I wish I could be like that. 

Fierdan: Sorry, I’m still processing how you wanted to be Duke. You had to have known how fucked up he was mentally at that point. *smirks* Except if mentally unstable and insane guys are your type. 

Dylan: Shut up, bastard. 

Stella: *blushes a little* No, you’re right. Of course I knew it. At least part of it. But I still wanted to become Duke. I wanted to be just like him. I know it makes no sense. 

Dylan: No. 

Stella: *looks at Dylan* Huh? 

Dylan: To be real with you, it’s not completely ridiculous to wish to copy the appearances and mannerisms of those you admire and love, even if it’s him. 

Stella: *blushes more* I didn’t love Duke anymore at that point. I don’t think I’ve been capable of love— or even faking it— after that. 

Dylan: Okay, then maybe it was gender envy. You said you liked being perceived as a guy, right? 

Stella: Well, yeah, it was nice. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be a guy, but I’m not one. *stares at the ceiling* I never really felt attached to my feminine body parts. Actually, I’d sometimes wish there was nothing there… I mean, look at me. I like wearing loose and baggy clothing that hides my figure, especially my chest. 

Dylan: All of that is relatable as a trans man. 

Stella: Ugh, I should’ve figured out that I’m not straight earlier. There were so many signs that I’m asexual. 

Fierdan: *swallows a pretzel* Like how you only let Duke put his hands on your chest to feel your heartbeat, and you his, and you kept on not wanting him to touch and squeeze your boobs. 

Stella: Uh.. yeah. Fuck, I hate having boobs. I wish everyone was like me and treated mine like they don’t exist. I’m not attached to mine at all; they’re just there. 

Dylan: God, this is so relatable. I’m so glad I got top surgery. 

Stella: Plus, letting someone touch my chest that way and my butt.. it just feels too much like sexual contact with me. Even with clothes on. It’s just too much. 

Fierdan: So, you basically wanted to be Duke because one, he was the only male around your age that you spent time with; two, you still admired and were attracted to him in some way that the three of us don’t understand fully; three, you felt disconnected from your female body and thought being a male would be more freeing; and four, you’re ace and that’s why you don’t like having certain body parts because of how mainstream society treats them. 

Stella: Uh.. yeah. You got it. Basically. Umm.. well, yeah. *pauses* But I still see myself as female, despite how I feel about my body. If others perceive me as male, then it just feels like a costume I’m putting on. I don’t genuinely feel like a guy, so I’m not trans. I’m not like you, Dylan. I’m sorry. 

Dylan: No need to be sorry. Femininity isn’t just a one type thing. There are so many different types of women out there. And besides, we all know that gender expression doesn’t equal gender identity. Fierdan, for example, occasionally wears makeup and nail polish as well as skirts and dresses. He’s still certain about being a man. I mean, I haven’t met a cis guy do all that for fun and just for himself before, but well.. he can do whatever the hell he wants. I have to respect that, honestly. 

Fierdan: What’s that? A compliment from Dylan? 

Dylan: *sighs* Yes, I guess so. 

Fierdan: I feel honored. Genuinely. *smirks* Maybe you really do love me. 

Dylan: Don’t push it. 

Fierdan: Not denying it, huh? I see.

Dylan: I don’t love anyone. 

Fierdan: Damn. 

Dylan: You have a partner whom you love very much based on how much you talk about him. And for fuck’s sake, I’m aromantic. I don’t do romance. 

Fierdan: I never said I wanted to be in a romantic relationship with you. I was messing with you earlier about having sex once.. a one-time thing. Of course that’s not gonna possibly happen unless Jack and I break up, and *grins* that’s not happening. *leans back, crosses legs* The only non-platonic relationship I’d have with you is a purely physical one. No filthy romantic fluff; we’ll skip straight to the smut. 

Dylan: *face is a little red* You sure are someone. I have no words. 

Fierdan: *unbuttons another button on his shirt* I’m so fucking gay. 

Stella: We all know. I’d be surprised if anyone doesn’t know. 

Fierdan: Men are just so… *bites lip* Women, too. Why are people so hot? They have no right to make my heart race and give me butterflies in my stomach. And holy shit, their bodies. I meet a hot guy or chick at the club, and the horny thoughts come like “I want to fuck this person right now” or “I want to be fucked by this person right now”.. not really since I’m taken, but god.. sometimes my body just wants to fuck. There are too many hot and gorgeous people out there. 

Stella: Fierdan just had a bisexual moment. 

Fierdan: *stares at nothing in particular* That’s right. I’m bi as fuck. It’s a blessing and a curse. Ass and tits. Pussy. Fuck.. fuck! And cock.. holy shit, I’m gay. Fuck, fuck, fuck me.

Dylan: Stop horny-posting, I swear to god. Except it’s not even that. You’re just saying shit with no filter.

Fierdan: *wipes away sweat on his face* Anyway, haha, I’m bi. And feeling horny. Fuck, I wanna drink. 

Stella: Somehow hearing that is making me feel more confident about being ace. Like, I don’t relate to that at all. 

Dylan: He doesn’t stand for bisexuals either. Fierdan is just.. *sighs* I don’t even know. 

Fierdan: Wait, do you have any drinks on you? I’m actually thirsty. 

Stella: Alcohol, no. 

Fierdan: I don’t care about that. Just give me anything. 

Stella: Uh.. I have a pack of soda cans and another one of iced tea in my fridge. 

Dylan: *to Fierdan* Get it yourself. 

Fierdan: Ugh, fine. 

Stella: No, it’s fine. I got it.

Dylan: No, let him. *gives Stella a look* 

Stella: Uh.. okay. 

Fierdan: Whatever. *reluctantly gets up and walks to the kitchen* 

Dylan: *once Fierdan is out of earshot, speaks softly to Stella* Is there anything you want to talk about? Also like.. umm.. just because you don’t feel like a man but still feel dysphoric about your body— if you are, I mean— it doesn’t mean you can’t be trans. You could be nonbinary or genderqueer. Maybe you’re a demigirl or agender or… 

Stella: *also speaking quietly* I.. I don’t know. I haven’t given it much thought. Also, well, I’m fine with she/her pronouns. I don’t know how I feel about using other pronouns. Feels kinda weird, if I’m being honest. 

Dylan: Oh, that.. that’s fine. Sorry.

Stella: You’re good. I just.. I guess I just want to be viewed as a person. Not anything gendered. But also, I know I’m a girl. *shakes head* Sorry, I don’t want to obsess over labels. 

Dylan: No, no, that’s valid. If you still use she/her pronouns only and relate to your assigned gender at birth, then maybe it doesn’t matter that much. 

Stella: Hmm.. yeah. 

Fierdan: *enters the living room or lounge area (where they’ve been chatting all this time) holding a box of soda cans in one hand and a can of one in the other, takes a quick swig, and places the box on the coffee table* Hey, I got soda. It’s cola. Mm. *drinks more from his can* 

Stella: Uh.. right. Thanks. *takes out a can*

Fierdan: So.. uh.. what are you talking about? 

Dylan: None of your damn business, that’s what. 

Stella: *sighs* Dyl…

Fierdan: Rude as ever, I see. 

Dylan: Well, you shouldn’t have said all that shit. 

Fierdan: I know I can get impulsive, but damn. *takes a sip* Besides, Stella said it helped her or something. 

Dylan: Helped? No, no. You’re just a narcissistic ass who just—

Stella: *opens the can* Dyl, please. *sighs* It’s not exactly related, but it made me think of that reoccurring dream I had when Duke was away. I don’t even remember what. But it was when I spent the days and nights alone with Dawn. Well, it was one of my reoccurring dreams. 

Fierdan: What dream? 

Stella: *stares at the can in her hands, takes a long sip* I had a dream where Duke and I were in this empty ballroom, and we were wearing very fancy clothes—

Fierdan: Ooh, how lovely. 

Stella: I remember wearing a silvery blue dress. It looked beautiful. Duke was wearing a tuxedo.. I forgot if it was red or black.. and his eyes were entirely black, which made him look scary. Seeing his eyes like that startled me. Then seeing him in-person with his eye like that a few weeks later.. yeah, well, I was afraid. 

Fierdan: Hmm, I see. That’s interesting. 

Dylan: *mutters* Oh my god, shut the fuck up. 

Stella: And there was this ominous piano music playing. Sounded vaguely like Für Elise. 

Fierdan: Classical music. Wow, your dreams are sophisticated. 

Stella: Sure, I guess. I don’t know what else to say to that.

Fierdan: Sorry, go on. Like Dylan said, I need to shut the fuck up. 

Stella: Anyway, the two of us were dancing.. doing ballroom dancing.. and flying too since we could fly with our wings. And then.. *blushes, stares at the can in her hands* then.. at the end of a certain dance move, the distance between our two bodies was significantly smaller than it had been previous times after we did the same thing, and I just knew something was off. He just.. kept me like that; my back nearly brushing the floor, his upper body on top of mine.. and then we kissed and then his whole body was on top of mine and we were kissing and— *takes a deep breath* Sorry, I’m sorry. In the dream, I just knew he had lust in his eyes and that he wouldn’t stop, and I could picture him pinning me to the floor and crawling up on me, breaking the gap between us, and.. and it wouldn’t stop there. My gut told me this romantic dream was turning sexual, I freaked out, and woke up like it was a nightmare. Like, shit, not being excited in a dream about an attractive guy in formal clothes getting on top of you, pulling your dress up and lowering his pants, but instead feeling like you could have a panic attack.. that has to be an asexual thing, right? Right? *pauses* Fuck, fuck! What the fuck is wrong with me? It happened so many times, that same dream. It went further the more times I dreamed it.

Fierdan: Well.. damn. If Duke did any of that shit to you, I’d beat his sorry ass. 

Dylan: *sighs, rolls eyes* 

Stella: I’m terrified that I’ll be alone forever. That I won’t have anyone. I can’t form attachments to people. I couldn’t care less about my parents. I wasn’t devastated after hearing about Duke getting tortured nor after Fierdan killed him. I wasn’t even that sad. *squeezes can* I felt fucking nothing! You guys don’t understand how deep it goes. I’m a freak! 

Fierdan: Oh, really? I can’t? 

Dylan: Well, for one, you experience romantic and sexual attraction. And you’re in a relationship. 

Fierdan: I’m not good at romance. I’m like the equivalent of a dense sack of bricks when it comes to it. It’s funny how dense I can be. 

Stella: *sighs* This isn’t just about romance. *pauses* Oh shit, maybe it is. I don’t know what she wanted. 

Dylan: What do you mean? Who?

Stella: I spent weeks alone with Dawn. When Duke was running from Taurel or getting tortured by him, we got closer to each other and became friends, Dawn and I. She’s such a kind and sweet person, not like Fierdan or Ryen. *laughs, rubs the back of her neck* Anyway, I think at some point, she fell for me. She started treating me a little differently when it was just the two of us. And then.. uh.. she kissed me. A few times. And like, she’s attractive. I get that.. in theory. Her eyes, her hair, her chest… I tried so hard to love her back, to feel the same way she did about me, but I.. I just couldn’t. I was like, maybe I don’t truly like boys, so maybe I’ll feel the genuine spark and love with girls. I don’t have to pretend. But no, I never had any crushes on girls. Dawn is a pretty woman, but I didn’t feel anything for her. And I hate that! I love her personality and resilience and so many things about her. But I felt fucking nothing more than friendship, like there’s a block of ice in my chest where my heart should be.

Fierdan: Why am I not that surprised that Dawn is into other women? 

Dylan: I don’t know, man. How did you not know? 

Fierdan: I’m an absolute dumbass when it comes to romance. *turns to face Stella* It’s okay if you can’t feel any of the romantic feelings towards her or any other girl. It’s okay to not be bi.. or pan or whatever. 

Dylan: She doesn’t know if she ever had genuine romantic attraction towards anyone, period. Were you even listening? 

Fierdan: *faces Dylan* Of course I was. I’m right though. It further proves how she probably isn’t bi. 

Dylan: You know what? Fair, that’s fair. *turns to Stella* And like I said before, being on the aromantic spectrum isn’t a death sentence. It doesn’t mean you’ll be forever alone. Friends mean a lot. They do to me, and I know you care deeply about yours too. I know you see us *glances at Fierdan* as your friends. And even if you don’t have friends and aren’t interested in them, it doesn’t mean you’re broken and can’t form attachments and feel deeply. Listen to me. You’re not a fuck up for not grieving like most do, for being angry at your parents and wanting to see them hurt— as long as you don’t actually do anything severe— and you’re not one for not loving someone, no matter the type of love. You don’t need to be sorry for existing and how you live your life. You are not a fucked up, broken, heartless and loveless piece of shit. Period. 

Fierdan: That was moving. Good job.  

Dylan: Well, that’s my speech. Now I’m off to get a snack and iced tea. *stands up and goes to the kitchen*

Stella: *has tears in her eyes* Oh.. uh.. okay. Thank you, Dyl, I appreciate it. You’re a great friend. Truly. *grabs a few pretzels, eats them slowly*

Fierdan: I have to say, I respect whatever you and Dylan have going on. I don’t know when you two became friends, but it’s nice to see. You’re definitely not alone. 

Stella: Th-Thanks. 

Fierdan: He was completely right. I might’ve been talking out of my ass a lot today, but I know that he isn’t. At least when he’s talking to you. He genuinely means the shit that he says. 

Stella: Yeah, I know. He’s very blunt and honest, so.. yeah. 

Fierdan: Yeah, exactly. You get it. 

Stella: *yawns* I’m getting tired. 

Fierdan: I can go. 

Stella: No, stay. I still want to talk to the two of you. 

Fierdan: You mean it? You don’t mind? *yawns* 

Stella: I want you to stay, Danny.

Fierdan: Oh, alright. I’m here for you too.. you know that, right? 

Stella: Yes, of course I do. *smiles* 

————————————

A little more time passes before the events that happen in part 4 begin. 

Affirmations. Projecting. :’) 

Dylan is so nice and cool and validating when he wants to be. I like that dude. 

Fierdan is just.. uh.. *insert an emoji that symbolizes brain fog* that’s him. ahahaha~

Anyway, everything they talked about in this post are thoughts I’ve had about them for a long while now. These are their thoughts. These are their confessions. 

And I guess mine in part too. I have so much on my mind about my characters. They have lots to confess. I made sure of that.

It’s not always pretty and is usually complex. The truth can be ugly and it can be beautiful. 

That is the main point I want to get across. 

Good night. 

~ Shan/Shyrah

Confessions 4 (skit)

Hello, I’m back to post part 4 of the Confessions skit series. It’s been another week already. 

Part 3 sure was something, huh? … hoo boy. 

Since I finished it, I changed my ideas for this part several times. Well, at least the order of events. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the character dynamics, the relationship, between Fierdan and Dylan. They sure are something, haha. 

… … … *insert flushed emoji that looks distorted and funny here* haha, haha, ha ha, ha… help.

I don’t have anything else to say before the skit. 

Alright, see ya ~ 

**WARNINGS: strong/explicit language; mentions of drug use (smoking, drinking), sexual content, violence (including murder), and death; possible religious themes. 

———————————

[At least an hour after the end of the last skit. The time is near midnight. The setting is the same (in an area like a small living room in Stella’s apartment). The three of them are still there, sitting on a couch with a coffee table in front of it. On the table, are several cans of soda and iced tea as well as the same bag of mini pretzels and a bag of buttered popcorn. Why are they still hanging out? I’m not sure, to make the skit content entertaining, I guess. Just roll with it. I’m omitting the crying and screaming breakdown part that I originally had in mind. Things have calmed down.]

Stella: *places her can of cola down on the coffee table* There’s been something I was wondering since you came here. *takes a deep breath, turns to face Fierdan* Who are you right now? No. Who exactly is the one who entered my place and has been here since? 

Dylan: *sips from a can of iced tea* What are you talking about? It’s only Fierdan. He’s been here the whole time. 

Stella: *shakes head* No, something’s up. I was going to say something earlier, but I was too caught up in my own head, thinking about love and feelings and.. well, breaking down over it. 

Dylan: *looks warily at Fierdan* Is he.. someone else?

Stella: It’s more like “who’s the one with influence right now?” “Who’s in control?” *taps the table with her fingers* And I think I know who. 

Fierdan: *swallows a few pieces of popcorn, leans back on the couch, sighs* You noticed, huh? 

Dylan: Noticed what? Please explain what’s going on. 

Fierdan: I guess I would’ve been discovered sooner or later. It’s hard to be perfectly blended with two souls, with the memories and histories of two people, in me. *faces Stella and Dylan* So, who am I? Sure, I’m going by Fierdan in my current state, but we all know I’m not the same as Duke or the version of myself in Cincernum. Which one is influencing me more, the one in control, right now? 

Stella: *says with no hesitation* Duke.

Fierdan: *face goes from looking neutral to smirking* Good job.

Dylan: I’m still lost. What happened to “Duke is gone” that you kept on emphasizing? 

Fierdan: Duke is gone. I’m not Duke just as much as I’m not the version of Fierdan in Cincernum. There are times, however, when either one of their presences is dominant in my head. And the one that is right now and since I came here is Duke. It doesn’t mean I am him. 

Dylan: Huh. *grabs a handful of popcorn* I give up on trying to understand any better. Oh well. *starts eating the popcorn* 

Fierdan: *looks at Stella who is staring at him* How did you figure it out? 

Stella: I noticed a pattern. Sometimes when you talk about the people you killed, it makes you tremble and stare at your hands as if they’re still covered in blood or black flames. And the look on your face is regret and fear. 

Fierdan: Mm. *grabs a can of cola from the table, opens it, and starts drinking it* 

Stella: And during those times, your face and words are saying that you’ll never kill again. Acts of violence almost seem to repulse you. *gulps* But tonight, you weren’t like that. You casually said that you’re willing to kill again. The trembling and regret were not there. This wasn’t the first time either. 

Dylan: So what? He’s indecisive about murder. It only proves how unstable he is. He’s not safe to be around. No matter how you spin it, he’s a killer. 

Fierdan: *rolls his eyes at Dylan* 

Dylan: What? It’s true. 

Stella: *stares down at the can in her hands, face gets a little red* There’s another reason why I think Fierdan here is more like Duke. *takes a deep breath* Before you integrated, Duke was the more talkative and obnoxious one. The tone of Fierdan’s voice tonight is closer to Duke’s than that former version of him. And not just that. Duke was the one who was more vulgar, making raunchy jokes. He sure made sexual innuendo a lot. *sighs, drinks from the soda can*

Dylan: *snickers* Duke sounds so annoying. I can barely stand Fierdan here, but Duke feels so much worse. I can’t even imagine. 

Stella: Yeah, he sure was a character. 

Fierdan: *slams his soda can on the table, stands up and walks to the edge of the table* Duke was a kid. His role was to replace and fill in my teenage years with experiences more fit for a teen instead of the hell I experienced during those years. Without Duke, my memories of those years are dark and blurry. Planning to kill, killing, abuse, abuse, abuse. *sighs* Duke’s existence gives me an actual taste of adolescence that I wouldn’t have otherwise. 

Stella: Is that why you created Duke in the first place? To overwrite your memories of your adolescence? 

Fierdan: *frowns* I’m not getting into that. Duke was a teen, acted like and did teen stuff. That’s why he was like that. 

Stella: But that can’t explain all of it. 

Fierdan: *scratches his head* How old was that kid? I executed him and Soulless when he was.. what, 17 or 18? 

Stella: That’s a kid to you? 

Fierdan: *lowers his hand, shrugs* Ages that end in ‘teen’ all feel like kids to me at this point. It’s so young. *smirks* You two are, by the way. I get that you’re both adults now, but you’re both years younger than me. 

Dylan: *murmurs* As long as you don’t mistake me for a 14 year old again. I’m almost 20. 

Fierdan: How was I to know you’re trans? You looked just like a boy starting puberty when we met. 

Dylan: Gee thanks. At least you saw me as male. 

Fierdan: Well, yeah, you look like a dude. Just one who looks like he’s going through puberty instead of an adult. 

Dylan: *squeezes his can of iced tea tighter* Don’t push it, Fire Dan. *giggles upon realizing that’s what he called Fierdan* 

Stella: I think you pass really well, Dylan. 

Dylan: *nods to acknowledge Stella, then lowers his head, mutters* I pretty much am going through puberty again. Just the right one this time since I’m doing HRT, taking testosterone. *drinks his iced tea* 

Fierdan: *grabs his suede jacket, quickly rummages through the pockets, sighs* Stella’s right about Duke making raunchy jokes. That’s not even the worst of it. *sighs again, runs a hand through his hair* Duke was just embarrassing. The number of times he referred to it with everyone there, not giving a damn, astonishes me. He really gave zero fucks. *pauses* Oh wait. *laughs*

Dylan: Do I want to know? No, I don’t think—

Fierdan: *cuts him off* A number of times in the past, Duke would talk— with the rest of us there, mind you— and make references about how he masturbated. 

Dylan: *face gets red* Eww, what the fuck. You’re horny bastards. 

Stella: *face also gets red* I.. I don’t remember that. 

Fierdan: He referred to it several times. He just tried to not say it explicitly, but it’s obvious that’s what he meant. *arches eyebrow* Remember that working at a coffee shop dream when instead of working he basically just talked about fucking the equipment? 

Dylan: Is this secondhand embarrassment? Is that what I’m feeling? 

Fierdan: *tosses his jacket back to where it was before, laughs* I masturbate too, of course, including back then, but damn.. hearing Duke talk about that dream was fucking hilarious. Only he would consider sticking his dick in those things. 

Stella: You’re not going to let that go, are you? It’s been so long since then. 

Fierdan: No, I’m not. *glances at Dylan* He’s right, you know. I really am a horny bastard. 

Dylan: *mutters sarcastically* Who would’ve guessed. I’m completely surprised. 

Fierdan: It further proves how Duke is influencing me, huh? *stuffs his hands into his pants pockets and quickly takes them out, sighs* Except not really. I’m sexual enough without any Duke interference. Ask Jack. 

Dylan: *nearly chokes on iced tea* 

Stella: *looks at Dylan, concerned* You okay? 

Dylan: *splutters for a few seconds, then mutters* God, I hate that bastard. Fucking hell. 

Stella: Hmm yeah. Please not this again. 

Fierdan: *groans* I should’ve brought a pack with me. I want to smoke. *turns to Dylan* You have any? 

Stella: Hey, don’t smoke at my place. Go outside. 

Dylan: Don’t smoke here. 

Fierdan: Like I said, I don’t have any cigs on me. And obviously, I was gonna smoke outside. Damn. 

Dylan: Why do you want to smoke anyway? 

Fierdan: Why? *laughs* I need to chill, and cigarettes help. Are you sure you don’t have any? I don’t even need a lighter. 

Dylan: Of course you don’t. And no, I don’t have any. I don’t smoke. 

Fierdan: Really? *stretches his arms behind his head* Oh, that’s a shame. 

Dylan: Just smoke on your own. You have pyrokinesis, right? 

Fierdan: It’s not the same. There’s no nicotine. 

Stella: Since when do you smoke? 

Fierdan: What do you mean “since when”? I smoke with Jack sometimes, and besides, Duke used to smoke. That fucking delinquent yet smartass kid. 

Stella: Oh.. I see. That’s right. He told me. Same with the drinking. Stealing and drinking alcohol all the time. *pauses* Is Duke why you rely on alcohol and smoking so much? 

Fierdan: *scoffs* Duke? He can’t be blamed for everything. He’s just a part, not the whole damn thing. He isn’t an explanation for all the shit I do to myself and others. 

Dylan: *swallows a pretzel* I have a comeback. 

Fierdan: What are you talking about? 

Dylan: Well, I’m not sure if that’s what it is, but I’m getting back at you for giving me a jump scare for talking about sex. 

Fierdan: A jump scare? What? Does it frighten you that much? Do I scare you that easily? *laughs* 

Dylan: Shut up, god, you’re such a pain in my ass. 

Fierdan: *unbuttons another button on his shirt* I’m a pain in your ass? Are you sure about that? We didn’t do anything. 

Dylan: Ah, shit. Don’t tell me you’re still caught up about that. 

Fierdan: About what? 

Dylan: *gets flustered* W-What you said before, you dumbass! 

Fierdan: *smirks* Looks like you’re the one who can’t let it go. You have a dirty mind. 

Dylan: *groans, gets up* You bastard. 

Fierdan: Aww, Dylan, I’m sorry I tricked you. I was joking when I asked if you wanted to have sex. I respect your decision not to. 

Dylan: I never said I wanted to! 

Fierdan: Exactly. That’s very good. 

Dylan: *clenches fists* What the hell? 

Fierdan: I never seriously wanted to fuck you. How many times do I have to tell you? Besides, this isn’t a good place or time. 

Stella: Fucking hell! Can’t you stop thinking about having sex with each other when you’re at my goddamn place? 

Dylan: Yeah, stop it, Fierdan. 

Stella: It’s really— 

Fierdan: Anyway, I don’t have any condoms on me. 

Dylan: I swear to fucking god—

Stella: *face reddens, mutters* Sometimes I really wish you acted more like the old you. 

Fierdan: *grabs popcorn* It’s just another reason why I can’t actually have sex with Dylan. I don’t want to at all, believe it or not. You two have to learn to take a joke. 

Stella: I don’t care. It was fucked up. 

Dylan: *to Fierdan* You’re fixated on it. Are you sure that you don’t? 

Stella: *sighs* You continued it in the first place. 

Dylan: Okay, fine. I’ll admit that I’m also at fault. Can I still say what I wanted to before? 

Stella: Uh.. what is it? 

Dylan: *looks at Fierdan eating popcorn* This might be the first time I’ve seen Fierdan put something that’s not alcohol or drugs in his mouth. *walks up to him, smirks* Does it feel weird to you at all to be drinking soda and eating junk food at this hour instead of having your lips around the opening of a bottle or can of alcohol, a cigarette, or.. *grins deviantly* his cock? 

Fierdan: *blushes a little, then grins* You sly, dirty bastard. That was a good one. Well, for you. *sticks out his tongue to clean up a tiny piece of popcorn at the corner of his lip* 

Stella: *chugs her can of soda, it knocks over an empty can when she puts it on the table* Well then! Okay! *looks at them standing in front of each other, says random stuff because she feels so awkward and uncomfortable* Come to think of it, ‘raunchy’ is a funny word to say. It’s fun to say. Raunchy, raunchy, raunchy. *looks at the table, taps her fingers on the table, stares at them again* Was Fierdan always that much taller than Dylan? Sure, it might be the shoes, but still. I even felt a bit intimidated hearing their conversation when he entered. Fierdan definitely gives off an intimidating aura at times. He even bent down to stare at Dylan at eye level. *scratches chin* Wait, is that a Duke or Cincernum Fierdan trait? To have an intimidating aura and scare others? Hmm, let’s see…

Fierdan: *turns to Stella* It’s both. They both were capable of making the person they talked to directly feel like I’m a predator and they’re my prey. *glances back at Dylan* 

Dylan: *face is still red* Sh-Shut up. 

Stella: *to Fierdan* Like I said before, you’ll always be someone who scares me. It’s not far-fetched for Dylan to be as well. 

Dylan: H-Hey! 

Stella: You’re a killer, after all. Think of it as a side effect of that. Even if remembering it makes you feel sick, you can’t take it back. You killed. 

Fierdan: That’s right. *lets out a long breath* My sins tarnish and weigh me down, and they will until I’m in a grave. No, beyond this life. I’m a sinner through and through. I need to pray and pray to a higher being that I don’t believe in and never will. *flexes his fingers, stares at his hands* The blood will never wash away. I’ll never be clean again. Especially for how I killed those three inhuman pieces of shit. I murdered Z. and then Risak and Taurel as Duke so violently. Oh god, especially Taurel. Yeah, Duke was no longer human himself and was corrupted by Soulless and Taurel’s torture, but still.. fuck. *gulps* When I attacked him as Duke.. god, that was so brutal. I was more demon than human at that point. No ordinary human could’ve inflicted that much damage to another human body. *pauses* You say my former Fierdan self was more intimidating than Duke, but you didn’t see Duke in that state. It even scared me myself. I still have no idea how Jack was able to do what he did. Fuck, that guy saved me.. Duke.. from being a cannibal. From someone who wasn’t even dead yet. *stares at his fingernails* 

Dylan: Damn, remind me to not get on his bad side. 

Stella: I know, right? 

Fierdan: *sighs* Soulless corrupted my humanity and gave me an extraordinary amount of power. It’s not possible for me to do any of that again. And, well, I don’t have anyone on a blacklist that I want to have killed. I’m trying to live an ordinary life as much as possible now, but.. that’s impossible, I know. Who am I without violence in a kill-or-be-killed world? 

[A few minutes later. It’s after midnight at this point.]

Fierdan: *still staring at his fingernails* Hmm. I’m thinking of painting my nails again. It’s been a while. My hair’s getting long too. I haven’t done anything gender non-conforming in a while. Maybe I should just cross-dress one of these days for the hell of it. 

Dylan: Uh, what? 

Fierdan: *stops staring at his hands or fingers or whatever* What is it, water boy? 

Dylan: Don’t call me that. Anyway, since when were you— 

Fierdan: I’m a man, but I reject the rigid box of traditional male gender roles. We’re both mlm, so it can’t be that hard for you to understand. 

Dylan: *frowns* I’m aro and a trans man. You’re bisexual and a cis man. We’re not the same. 

Fierdan: Ah, of course. *pauses* You think men and masculine-identifying are hot and you want to be with them, even if it’s not romantically. That’s right, Dylan? 

Dylan: *sighs then nods* Yeah, you got that right. I’m surprised. 

Fierdan: Of course. Otherwise, my sex offer wouldn’t make sense. If I said that and you’re straight.. oh god, that would’ve been embarrassing. 

Stella: *blushes* Ah, right. 

Dylan: Huh?

Stella: Nothing. It’s nothing. 

Dylan: Okay then. *quickly drinks from his can of iced tea* Anyway, wearing makeup and nail polish and heck, even wearing a cute top or a skirt sounds nice and fun in theory, but I just.. I can’t. I’m not like you, Fierdan. I don’t have the privilege to ignore male gender roles. 

Fierdan: What do you mean you can’t? Of course you can! 

Dylan: No, I can’t! I want to pass as a man.. no, I want to be one. And with the state that I’m in, it’s still up to debate for some people. Hell, there are lots of people out there still who think I can’t be one until I get a sex change. *sighs* That’s a whole other box full of bullshit. I wish I could present myself however I wanted, but I know that if I do, there will be people who see me as a woman. 

Fierdan: If anyone does, I’ll burn their asses. The fact that homophobic and transphobic people are still out there in this day and age pisses me off. 

Dylan: Wow, uh.. thanks. 

Stella: I’d be willing to do that too. 

Dylan: Thanks for the support. 

Stella: We gotta be there for each other, you know. 

Dylan: I agree, but damn, this is starting to sound corny coming from you guys. 

Stella: Corny, huh? *grabs popcorn* 

Dylan: Pfft. *laughs* 

Fierdan: And considering all the fucked up shit that Jack dealt with as a kid and teen. Of course it pisses me off. 

Dylan: Oh, so he told you? 

Fierdan: Of course he did. We’re the closest person to each other.. and not just because we’re boyfriends. We can just be vulnerable with each other and not feel like absolute shit afterwards. 

Stella: That sounds nice. 

Dylan: Ah.. I see. 

[Another few minutes later since I don’t know how to transition conversation topics.] 

Fierdan: By the way, Stella, why do you miss the old Fierdan anyway? He wasn’t exactly a good person. I mean… *rubs the back of his neck* 

Stella: I.. I miss his voice. Uh, your voice. When you.. uh.. talk like that. Then again, it was probably only because you had zero confidence and were only just recently traumatized. So.. uh…

Fierdan: My voice, huh? 

Stella: Without Duke’s involvement at all, without you talking about sexual stuff or anything vulgar in general.. I don’t know why, I just miss your old voice. Your tone. You were going through trauma back then, so I feel like a bitch, but.. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. 

Dylan: Different voice? What do you mean? 

Stella: Fierdan.. uh.. well, he used to have a different tone of voice. I know he was never gentle and soft— at least past puberty— but his voice.. fuck.. it sounded so soft and gentle, and it was a little higher pitched. Uh, it sounded androgynous to me. 

Dylan: Damn, Fire Dan. Duke was the key to make you a man. That’s crazy. 

Fierdan: Shut up, but yeah, I guess. I didn’t know I put so much of my masculinity and ego into Duke. And what was left for myself in Cincernum.. well, I lacked those things. *sighs, faces Dylan* I know it’s not the same, but I know what it feels like to not feel ‘man enough’ or like a ‘real’ male at all. 

Dylan: You’re right. It’s not the same, but I’ll keep what you said in mind. 

Stella: Sorry, did I trigger your dysphoria by saying I miss your old voice? 

Dylan: You never saw me pre-transition. 

Stella: Oh, I mean Fierdan. Sorry. 

Dylan: He has dysphoria? But he’s—

Fierdan: No, no. It’s fine. Sometimes it throws me off, but I don’t care at this point. My old voice just makes me think of how not confident and weak I was. *taps a fingernail against one of his shirt’s buttons* Besides, who I was in Cincernum.. that version of Fierdan.. *grins* he was a wuss. Back then, I only thought of regret, guilt, blood, and how much I let Soulless take advantage of me. I haven’t even considered fighting back for years in that hell. That version of me was a weak, pathetic, pussy ass bitch. Well, until the end. But it took me way too long to get to that point. At least I managed to execute the separate Duke body and Soulless. Uh.. Duke as another person was a combination of parts of myself and Soulless.. so, well, yeah. I say ‘execute’ because I didn’t kill them like I killed humans; they were something else. Sure, stabbing anyone like how I stabbed Duke would end in death, but I like saying that I was their executioner.

Stella: Hmm, so Duke is still the one influencing. Right? 

Fierdan: *shrugs* Who am I to say? 

Stella: I never heard you talk about it without breaking down. So.. I’m not sure. 

Fierdan: *speaks lightheartedly* Who knows? Maybe I’ll have a good old mental breakdown after this. The night is still young. 

Stella: Oh no, I’m sorry. 

Fierdan: For what? You’re fine, Stella. There’s nothing wrong with you. And that includes everything you talked about. You’re not fucked up like me. That’s a beautiful thing. 

Dylan: How about this. The Fierdan here today isn’t Duke or the version of himself in Cincernum or earlier; he is a whole different person. He exists based on the two of them, but he’s more than just a simple combination of the two. If he was, I don’t think he would criticize and insult them so much. 

Fierdan: How thoughtful. But I don’t think you understand how much I hate my past selves, how much I engage in self-sabotage, and just how chronically empty I feel emotionally. Oh oops, I wasn’t supposed to say the last thing. 

Dylan: Umm.. insert me saying something in response. I have nothing. *finishes his can of iced tea* 

Fierdan: Wow, I see. I thought we were becoming friends. 

Dylan: Nah. I still hate you. You’re just a bit more tolerable at this hour.. for once. 

Stella: *sighs* Guys, come on. Seriously? 

[Around an hour later. Dylan and Fierdan left Stella’s place and went their separate ways. Jack is in an elevator on the way to the floor where their apartments are. Fierdan slipped his note under Jack’s apartment door and is in his own apartment now. He’s wearing different clothes— pajama pants and a loose-fitting tank top. He runs a hand through his black hair as he stares at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Then he sees the mirror turn into a screen and reveal the backs of three people, all with different shades of blonde hair. But then they turn around, facing Fierdan.]

Fierdan: Damn, my hair really is getting long. *twists a lock of hair around his finger*

The three people in the mirror: *stare intensely at Fierdan* You killed me. You killed me. You killed me. 

Fierdan: *lowers his hand, presses his hands to the mirror* No, I didn’t. 

Them: You killed me. *on repeat* 

Fierdan: N-No, I didn’t mean to. Not you guys. 

Them: *their eyes flash; a pair of dark golden eyes, a pair of pale blue eyes, a pair of dark blue eyes* You killed us!

Fierdan: I.. I didn’t—

Them: Fucking bullshit! You caused all of our deaths. Without you, we wouldn’t have died. 

Fierdan: *hands start trembling, voice cracks* I.. I’m so sorry. I miss you all so much. F-Forgive me. 

Them: Forgive you? Why would we do that? You fucking killed us! 

Fierdan: I’m not the one! 

Them: Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. 

Fierdan: *covers their faces with his hands* No, no, no. 

Them: Confess your sins and beg for your salvation until your tongue is torn out of your mouth. You are a filthy, fucking sinner. 

Fierdan: *face changes from fear and sadness to anger, starts getting covered in fire in all areas of his exposed skin* Shut the fuck up. You’re all just projections of my subconscious or some shit. 

Them: Oh no, that’s the wrong answer. So sorry. 

[The mirror returns to normal. But then the sentence “Do not trust the master manipulator.” appears on the mirror, written in red ink that looks eerily close to blood.] 

Fierdan: *gulps after reading the sentence* What the hell? 

[Jack steps out of the elevator.]

Jack: *sighs* Today left me exhausted. Not to mention how quiet Elias and the twins are. Made me feel so understimulated. *yawns, stretches arms* I’ll just talk to him in the morning. But I can’t wait to tell him. *recalls what Dylan told him* Shit, I meant to confess that to him too. Damn it. 

[The red letters on the mirror start to glow. Fierdan is still covered in flames.]

Fierdan: *frowns, traces the letters with his fingers, which sets them on fire* ‘Master manipulator’ means who exactly? Soulless? Taurel? No, it’s… *presses his palm to the mirror and immediately flames flicker all over the mirror*

Jack: *smiles as he approaches his apartment* He’s going to be so happy when he finds out. Don’t you think so? *turns to the side, nods* 

Fierdan: *suddenly remembers when Jack told him about his Elemental Power, how he has the power of illusion and related stuff* No way. Jack is the ‘master manipulator’? What does that even mean? 

 [Flashes of Jack’s face blur past very quickly in his head. It results in a headache and the ringing in his ears to return.] 

Fierdan: *feels dizzy and weak, the flames fade away* Not again. Fuck. *stumbles out of the bathroom, collapses on his bed, sighs in relief* 

Jack: *notices the paper under his door* Oh, what’s this? *picks it up and reads it* Oh, my sweet Danny boy, it’s not your fault. It’s not your wrongdoing. *takes a deep breath* It’s mine. 

[The sentence “Do not trust the master manipulator.” repeats in Fierdan’s head over and over in the voices of the three in the mirror. Then he has a vision of Jack talking and interacting with them, not in the mirror but in the hallways, in Jack’s apartment. After that, the ringing intensifies.] 

Fierdan: *covers his ears with a pillow* No way. No, no.. it’s not real. 

Them: Of course it isn’t. It’s an illusion. He’s the master of illusion, messing with people’s perceptions. He is the master manipulator, after all. Don’t trust him, but more importantly, don’t trust us out there. It’s all a lie. We are dead. Remember that.

Fierdan: Th-That’s right. You’re all dead. And you all are because of me. 

[And that is when the mental breakdown that Fierdan said he would have officially begins. It starts with two simple things: tears and flames.] 

————————————

That is Confessions 4. 

The end. 

~ Shan/Shyrah