Heartless doodle and shiz

Hi. I'm up at 4 am. Again. I went to sleep very early last night. Around 8. So.. yeah.

If I don't post for a day or for a few days, there are two chances: I've been feeling really bad, or I've been feeling really good. 

This week, especially Friday, the reasons for no posting were the former. 

It's better if I don't even post, anyway. I've hurt you guys so much already. I'm so stubborn at everything, I can't even let go of these anxious/depressing thoughts.

I really need to stop this pity. I just need to stop. Stop it all. 

My stomach and head hurts when I post. They hurt when I don't post. They still hurt right now.

I have no reason. Life is good. Besides some words people say to, or around, me. I'm the only one to blame. It's my fault. 

I might post something about some of those mental stuff from last post. Probably the ones in the "high" ranges on the results. 

I feel like I'm copying people by just feeling the way I am. 

I really should stop.

Intrusive thoughts while feeling anxious and depressed at the same time. How fun. Great. Fantastic. Not. 

I'm going to disappoint some people irl because I'm the worst at planning out interesting activities. I don't have the energy to, and nothing except this online stuff that I bet is slowly killing me really interests me. 

Twenty One Pilots and The Eden Project are great bands to listen to when I'm feeling like this. As well as a few others, but mostly just those two. 

Haha, sorry for typing about them so much. I love them so much. Their music makes my day a little better. And I can relate (internally of course since I'm figuratively dead externally) to some of their songs. Like "Fake You Out", "Doubt", and "Kitchen Sink". More on the personal level than on the more broad level of songs like "Stressed Out" and "Ride". Yeah. |-/

Why not just call me that civilized outcast? 

I guess "Heartless" could be consider vent art. But it's less red than most of the ones I draw but don't post online. 

</3 

....

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..

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Bye.

~ S (aka Cutepups) 

doot doot

Heyo kiddos. It's me again. Yes, so annoying ugh ikr.

I bet I'm gonna get hate for this post! Aw, love you too! Haha!

Ah yes, the "doot doot" is another post title with the weird speech sounds to distract from the disappointments scattered throughout all my posts.

I hope TQPP is helpful and a resource to you guys. I like TQPP a lot. Though it only helps for a very limited amount of time.

By the way, I handed in my first job application yesterday. Haha, it's that same summer camp job I constantly complained about last summer. But this year I can get paid. I'm getting old. Haha wow.

I'm deciding on maybe not posting daily anymore. I just don't have anything interesting to post about except for complaining about my life and internalizing all my problems but pushing them into your faces. I also have been lacking sleep lately. I go to bed a few minutes before midnight on most nights. And blogging caused one reason for that. But not just blogging. And then there are my nice female classmates saying they fall asleep at 10 pm. That's when I actually finish all my homework. Haha, I'm such a mess omg.

Haha. I've been feeling anxious for so long that my body is starting to hurt physically. I'm scared. I can't explain what and why, especially so open on the internet (lol why do I even post here then), but I am.

Well, have this pretty background thing. I like it. It's pretty.

Haha, oh wait.

Smh, it's so professionally accurate. Really concerned. Seriously.

Nah kiddos, just online test results I screenshotted. Honest answers. Telling the truth. Just two. I don't exaggerate or glorify. At least I hope it doesn't look that way.

I haven't always been this way. It's been fairly recent. Since high school. Maybe middle school. Especially this year when future things and activities and jobs and stuff like that have began weighing down on me. But this could all be just a load of poo, and my teen mind is messing with me. But I'm pretty sure the average "normal" teen isn't how I am. Problems, hormones.. who knows. Not all of them are really okay, though.

 Oh life, downspiraling into the pit of despair. Fun, how fun, now take me out. 

Hmm.. should I be concerned about them?

Maybe a select few. One a lot.

Haha. Haha. Please don't hate me. I'm sorry.

I'm shaking right now. And my stomach kinda hurts. All the usual.

People being all chill and happy and satisfied with all aspects with their lives. Whelp, people like that seem so fake to me.

Like people don't experience those things? Mentally and/or physically? They don't have existential crisises and get paranoid at least sometimes? And think life is just "ehhhh" at most? People are actually happy? And mean it? Happy with themselves? Not get distressing thoughts? For no logical reason sometimes?

What a faraway concept. How interesting.

Ah man, my writings keep on hurting me.

There's a reason I go on here less and less.

It's kinda funny. Just about everyone who isn't a **** irl and who isn't part of my immediate family think I'm such a sweet and innocent person who's just cute and shy.

But I'm not. I'm a mean and irritable person. I've hurt people. I'm not cute and shy. I'm cold and distant. Call me antisocial for all I care. I know I am. I'm aware of other people there. I know what those guys are saying to themselves about me. I'm not that stupid. I've learned after being tossed around and treated like trash. I treat other people like trash then. Social situations can make me pretty uncomfortable. I avoid new things and getting to be close with new people. But the internet's a whole other story. If you meet me irl, I probably will distance myself from you and be less clingy like I am with some people I only know through the internet. I'll change. I'm sorry. Told you I'm full of disappointments. 

I think I ruin people's days by posting. It must have been relieving to not see anything new from me for a few days.

But oh well. I'm apparently still here. 

Yay.

I don't own the pictures. Or the sites I screenshotted them from.

Bye, bye.

Sorry in advance.

Meh.

Cutepups Support: The Quiet Place Project

Hello! :)

I don't feel that bad today. So that's good I guess. ^-^'

Well, enough about me. This is supposedly a Cutepups Support (lame name ikr) post. So, without further ado, the website!

http://thequietplaceproject.com

Unfortunately, I can only blog on mobile for the time being. So that means I can't screenshot things and whatnot.

Okay, one more thing about me and off to info about this site. Alrighty.

This place (the website I mean) was one of the first self-care sites I've ever visited. It also happens to be one of my favorites (though Flash is needed for some of the forwarding links within The Quiet Place Project, and my mobile devices lack that). I found it a little short of a year ago.

So.. maybe you like this site, maybe you don't. That's your decision, and of course no one but you, yourself, can change it.

Blah.. okay!

I'll say this site is great to visit when you're.. when you're.. just in a bad mood. (maybe not if technology that you use to go onto the site is causing you to have a bad mood.. ahem*). But if you're stressed or nervous over something or for no reason; or if you're feeling depressed (sad, empty, restless, tired, "done", etc.).. then I recommend visiting TQPP (The Quiet Place Project).

Some links off TQPP main page, like the Dawn Room for example, bring you to a place where there's a calming background (most likely weather-related I think) with accompanying music. And all you really have to do is read the messages on the screen and tap continue to read more of them. The messages are so kind and thoughtful with their good vibes.

This is the link within TQPP main page that I go to the most, and every time I felt bad to say the least and went on there, it's helped me at least in the little bit. So hopefully it will help you out. But then again, this is only a website. So it can only really be helpful to a certain degree and not for every circumstance.

The Dawn Room: http://thequietplaceproject.com/thedawnroom/

The Dawn Room doesn't work on mobile, so hopefully the link here will work to those on their computers who can actually access it.

So apart from that, TQPP also has this section for anonymous venting. There's this box, and in it you can type whatever. Vent out all that big mess of feelings you have.

Oh wait.. I'll just link to all of them. Except for the Dawn Room which I just linked to. There's also this mind-relaxing "tap to continue" thing on the site I first linked to which I keep on referring to as TQPP main page on this post.

The Thoughts Room: http://thequietplaceproject.com/thethoughtsroom/

The Comfort Spot: http://thequietplaceproject.com/thedreamsroom/comfortspot

It Will Be Okay: http://thequietplaceproject.com/itwillbeokay

The Quiet Place is more of the place to "quiet your mind", the Dawn Room is more of a place to feel less alone, the Thoughts Room is more of a place to relieve yourself from those bad thoughts, the Comfort Spot is more of a place for anonymous venting, and the last one should be self-explanatory.

I'm hoping all the links are working properly. My apologies if they aren't. You can just find the "rooms" by yourself if that happens to be the case.

That's all I have for this post. I hope I helped at least person who read through this entire post.. even though my phrasing of words is horrible.

Take care.

~ Cutepups <3

Returning to a segment?

Hello, one and all! Welcome, welcome! I am the one and only blogger who is an inconvenience! I am also that weirdo who goes by the name, Cutepups, which isn't even my real name!

Like how weird is that?!

I am also that former cool AJ blogger who fell in a hole that ended up being a trashcan! And if that isn't enough for you, then it's me, that person who's such a loser who posts stuff all the time that makes people concerned that I have specific forms of anxiety, depression, and possibly a personality disorder! Yeah, I'm the one who gets symptoms similar to panic attacks when other people talk about excessive heat, too!

Welcome, welcome all! My mind is as messy as my room, and my room is very messy!

:-)

!!!!!!!!!!

I tried to sound fun and exciting, but it didn't work out so well. Oh diddly darn. :(

Well anyway, I have mental stuff for this post as well.

However...

It's different!

It's...

(dundundundundundundundundundundundundundunjoshdun)

(what in the name of heck)

(omg when will Cutepups who only goes by the pronoun, shetheyitugh, stop)

....... mental health stuff!

*wipes glittery vomit off every screen where this post is viewed on*

:-)

So... okay... time for business.

(no my bro is a business major not me what am I saying)

*wipes off last bits of glittery vomit*

Back in the days of late 2015 and early 2016, I had this post segment. I only made 3 posts in this segment, but then I quit.

I started it when I wasn't feeling too good. I wanted to feel better, but I also wanted to help other people feel better. More in the mental and emotional meanings than physically. For several months, I've been browsing all over the internet finding all different self-care sites/videos/apps/games. Then one day, I decided to put this blogging idea into action. For the segment posts I actually posted, I made them entirely my own. I intended on continuing the segment with this list (that keeps on expanding week after week) of online resources I have found from all over. But then later on, I began to feel like there's no point in adding my own self-care mini-section among the hundreds of those I already found online beforehand. And this is only online. Then I spiraled deeper down into the pit of despair, and couldn't take much anymore. I then quit this segment. The segment that left me useful yet also useless.

The segment I called, Cutepups Support, was my lame name to it.

Why am I saying this?

Well, it's because...

I'll be returning to it!

With posts that link to much better self-care things on the internet.

I've found so, so many of them. I view a few of them daily. They're so great and helpful and I love the people who created them because they're amazing.

I constantly feel useless and without a purpose, so why not start here?

(is it just me or do I really sound annoying in my posts)

(I'm far ahead than any of you in the "I hate Cutepups" game)

(I be knowing)

Heh...

I might make a Cutepups Support post tomorrow if time permits.

I cram most of my posts on weekdays right before bed.

If time permits.

Goodbye.

-- Cutepups ~☆~

Finished c:

Okay. Welcome back to the blog of disappointments and broken dreams. :')) 

I finished disabling all new comments in the 2014 posts. Yay. c: 

I'll be mad if I forgot a post. I want them all to be disabled of new comments. 

I'm a totally different person from back then. As if that wasn't obvious enough. 

I didn't get insulted yet today. Yesterday at this time I got insulted at least 3 times for 3 different things. And that was only in the morning. 

Hmm.. I wonder if those AJ bloggers who still blog and follow my blog still view my blog. (10/10 grammar lol). I still view their blogs. I just don't comment anymore, but if I do it's only on rare occasions. Even though I still view their blogs a lot. Even though I quit and am no longer interested in AJ things. Wow, I make so much sense. Haha, I doubt they know I still exist and remember me. Except for 1, possibly 2. Hopefully.

I'll probably disable comments on more posts. But I'll do that on a later date. 

Disabling comments on posts from over a year ago makes me less fearful and slightly happier even though I have a negative mindset. If you're upset that you can't comment on posts from back then, then scurry off now. I'm apparently heartless according to family and "friends", so of course I must be emotionally numb and cold to other people's poor feelings. 

I must be. And I also must be non-human due to feeling uncomfortable in social situations even with family members. For being antisocial. For not currently having any passions or talents. For not wanting to fall in love. For not being interested in wanting to have kids when I'm older. For not liking sports. For not wanting to do art at any given time. 

Of course. :)) 

And getting emotions invalidated. Can't forget that one either. 

Of course. :)) 

At 95K views now. I'll be happy and feel like I accomplished at least one goal of mine if it goes to 100K views in a month. 

There are some viewers from South America now. Cool. c: 

Bye. 

,....,

Tch

Hey. I woke up so early today. Well then. 

Due to unfortunate circumstances, I'm still here. Great. 

Blogger glitched while I was in those November posts. Oh darn, gotta fix those when it stops glitching. And the December ones too. 

Yep. All of it. The entire year's worth of posts. In 2014. I'm disabling new comments on all posts in 2014. I'll finish the November and December posts from back then when Blogger stops being stupid with me. 

It's in the past now. The past is in the past. New comments can't come back to haunt me due to how cringy my 13 and 14 year old self was. But it still exists. The past will always stay there. But now it's kept completely in the past now. 

I'm so repetitive. Wow. 

There was a post from somewhere in my autumn 2014 posts where I apologized for leaving my previous post so not as happy as my posts usually were. But this person who's involved in my family who's unofficially me and my siblings' grandfather died. So due to other irl reasons, of course I wasn't as happy as before. Haha, I'm still sad about it. Pfft. And 14 year old me apologized for being sad. Wow, do I suck or what? Haha, now nearly all my posts are in a sad mood. I'm either in an anxious mood, depressed mood, or I'm just too tired. Happiness is so fake to me now. Even in enjoyable circumstances. Due to irl reasons. 

No, I'm not sorry for being sad. About him, about now, about anything. I don't care anymore.

And I also made several posts in 2014 starting posts with warnings in big brightly colored letters. Now my posts now and in 2015 too are so much more violent than any 2014 post. Yep. 

(Wow, I love music from The Eden Project now. While typing this, I've been listening to "Statues" on repeat 7 times. At least. Psst.. I love this song. As well as all the other EDEN songs I've listened to already. Haha yeah.)

I think I know why I keep asking if you guys hate me. It's because I hate myself. Half of my family is either fully disappointed in me or hates me (they told me). Oh and I've been starting to really get trust issues about people, especially "friends" (including online ones too). And if my own family and "friends" say they hate me in different contexts, then I'll continue to think that people hate me. I'm paranoid about this, okay. I bet you hate me for thinking you hate me. And for being so negative. I know you're thinking that. So that means you still hate me somewhat. Just about everyone close to me irl does, so I doubt other people are different. I've been hurt, insulted, and lied to too many times to think otherwise. I'm too weak to even truly say I'm done. Because it'll never be done. 

Yeah. People are mean. I'm mean. No one's an angel. I'm scared of death, but I'm also scared of life. I doubt I'm even a "real person" at this point. I'm more like a lost spirit. Barely anyone still acknowledges my existence without making me hate them or myself. How unfortunately great. 2016 is such a better year than last year, huh? No. 

Yeah, I should stop complaining. People have it much worse, anyways. 

Yeah, I should shut up.

....

stating the obvious

Heyo peepos.

Um..

If you couldn't tell already, I really don't have that much of an effort to make good themed posts.

Oh man, the cringe. Cringy posts of mine. They are everywhere. Gosh darn it.

I kinda have this idea to start off that collab story thing I keep on stalling and procrastinating on just like everything else in my life.

I originally wanted to draw the main characters out, but my drawings are crap, so never mind all that.

Tomorrow is...

- Friday!
- Earth Day!
- A month till my birthday!
- The 22nd of April in the year 2016!
- "Bye bye bready with your wings you'll fly away oh so far away from me and I will mourn your departure with my salty tears"

Yes.

I'm salty. I have no heart and am heartless. I'm an antisocial hermit crab. Oceans are water.

Yes.

Lol bruh why do I have the feel that you all hate me severely to some degree.

Why bruh why.

I'm not even using question marks to end the sentences. I'm just using periods. Periods are the blandest and most heartless punctuation. That's me alright.

Exclamation marks are too exciting. I know I probably fooled you lot years ago when my posts were actually swag, but I'm not an exciting or interesting person at all. I'm just that kind of person who's just there.

I should disable comments on more old posts of mine. Because the cringe is so cringey.

I offer my sincerest apologies to those who follow my blog and view their Blogger Dashboard. I'm sorry you have to put up with seeing these ugly gross posts on your Dash.

Tomorrow's gonna be a long day. If I'll post tomorrow, it'll likely be way earlier in the day. Same for Saturday.

Goodbye.