umm excuse me while i’ll- HECK

... wtf? 

If you came here after reading my last post, prepare to face whiplash. 

Is that the right word to use in this context? I don’t care enough to check. 

Sunday wasn’t as bad. It was an okay day. :) 

Saw the Tony awards on TV. 

....... Beetlejuice,,, ehehehehehehe ,,,,,,, I saw that play for my birthday. ehehehehehegehehehehggegsrwdfw

[error] ////////;///

Anyway, this is the best skit idea I have at the moment. 

Enjoy! ~

——————————

J___: *is filming a video, shows up on the camera by awkwardly leaning into the screen; think of a typical male YouTuber intro* It’s ja boi! 

Sparkle: *suddenly appears behind J___ with her arms crossed* Do I look like a joke to you? 

J___: *stops the recording, turns around* What? 

Sparkle: I’m the OG, fool! *uncrosses her arms* I used to make my own videos for skit commercials. 

J___: *is confused* Skit commercials? What? 

Sparkle: Yeah, that’s why these skits started in the first place. I would record videos about the Rare Item Monday, or RIM, every week. They were used to inform people about the special items. 

J___: *feels informed but is actually still completely lost* Ah.. 

Duke: *suddenly appears in the room, Cutepups is heard clapping inside of the wall* And I would ruin her videos because doing that was fun. *focuses on J___* Are you bringing skit commercials back in town? 

J___: Uh, what? No? 

Duke: *stares at J___, then shrugs* Okay. *walks away* 

Sparkle: He’s always weird like that. 

Duke: *exits the room, immediately walks back into the room* Excuse me while I’ll— *stops talking* 

J___: Huh? 

Duke: *says in a monotonous voice* Stream of consciousness, stream of consciousness, stream of consciousness, stream of consciousness, stream of consciousness, stream of consciousness, stream of consciousness— *gets cut off* 

J___: Hey, where’s Fierdan?

Sparkle: How would I know? 

Duke: I feel offended. Thanks for that. Bye. *doesn’t leave*

Fierdan: *suddenly appears* 

J___: Oh, there you are! 

Fierdan: *is lying on the floor on his stomach, right arm stretched in front of his head, left arm bent and beneath his neck/upper chest, legs just.. there straight behind him.

ultimate fierdan pose deluxe buy it for $9.99 *

J___: Why is he on the floor? 

Sparkle: Yeah! Get up, fool! 

Duke: *continues* ... stream of consciousness, stream of consciousness, stream of consciousness—

Fierdan: *stands up* Shut up! Everybody, just shut up! 

Sparkle: Why am I here again? 

J___: You interrupted a video I was recording. 

Sparkle: Oh, that’s right. 

——————

and that’s it. 

please like my high quality skit. 

thanks. 

a sad journal of sorts

I’ll go back to designing cute cartoon versions of my characters later. It’s something fun to do. 

I spent plenty of nights doing nothing but lying in bed and adding more songs to my characters’ music playlists. A lot of the songs I put in them resonate with me too. 

I checked and saw that I have a follower on one of my playlists. The person likes Ryen’s, I see. 

Haha, I never added descriptions to any of the playlists. But yeah. All of the playlists I have so far are centered around my main characters in the story I haven’t actually worked on in so long. 

I see all of my playlists as huge messes, but at the same time, they’re organized messes. I know that there’s more than one music genre in all of them, but I think the overall mood in each of them is distinct and strong. I have a hard time describing it though. 

• Fauna playlist: it has an angelic vibe to her because I keep on imagining her being angel-like in appearance and personality. she reminds me of flying and (angel wings), and the wind as well. a gentle breeze, a cool breeze, a warm breeze. calming instrumental music. her playlist is my go-to playlist to calm down. 

• Dawn playlist: it’s my other calming playlist. and not just because of the instrumental songs. some songs just comfort me. but some other songs are harsh. they’re full of hurt. she is full of hurt. her past was very painful and messed up. I think of her as being the one who tries to stay positive and helps to comfort the others. she’s so different than my first plans for her. Dawn is so kind and sweet. she means a lot to me, wow. some songs are very sad. 

I don’t want to talk about the other playlists right now. But I’ll say this. Ardere’s and J’s playlists are about the fun side of things and being happy. They also have sad songs in their playlists because they also feel sad at times. None of my characters are happy all the time. No one is. 

Ryen’s playlist has some older rock songs and a lot of instrumental songs because that’s the type of music I imagine him listening to. Well, in addition to the other songs I put in his playlist. 

I guess I’ll just write it down emotion-wise. 

[For the rest of this post, content warnings for: anxiety, panic attacks, self-harm, alcohol and drug use, suicide, suicidal ideation, hallucinating, disordered eating (?). I use explicit language.]

• Ryen’s playlist: anger, fury, rage, apathy, sadness, depressed, depression.

• Duke’s/Fierdan’s playlist: a wide range of emotions, they are emotional wrecks, they’re so fucked up. I think cynical is one of the main emotions I’m getting from their playlist. I feel like their cynics. so is Ryen. being traumatized takes up quite a space in their identities (identity?), I have to admit. they get mad. they harm themselves a lot. too much for anyone’s liking. but who can blame them? they also feel nothing at all. deep apathy just like what Ryen experiences. they all share being depressed and traumatized. it’s funny, considering I’m nothing like any of them when I’m myself, but I bet I think of them the most. I relate to them when I’m feeling the worst and my thoughts are irrational and violent and intrusive. I feel like my Duke/Fierdan side is coming through when I get my violent intrusive thoughts, and when I feel such a deep anger inside of me that eventually subsides to feeling so fucking empty that’s when I also feel like Ryen in addition to the other two. they get so sad that it physically pains me. also, Duke and Fierdan, in addition to harming themselves a lot, are suicidal characters. they’re very fucking suicidal. they’re not homicidal all the time, but they sure are suicidal a lot. and they’re impulsive, maybe Duke is a little more than Fierdan. haha, I’m concerned about these guys. 

I don’t know how to even begin to describe Twinkle’s playlist. That playlist isn’t the longest (the Duke/Fierdan one is by a long shot) but it feels the most like a mess. I don’t know how to emotionally describe her playlist. She’s the main-main character in my head. Even more than Duke or Fierdan. well, I guess she experienced many, many new things. her entire life went upside down. she had to go through a lot of shit. dang, I love her.

J___ got himself involved with drugs (and no, not just his medication). Ryen got himself involved with alcohol to cope with.. everything that happened. Duke used alcohol as a maladaptive coping mechanism. Fierdan (story 2) becomes someone who drinks alcohol a lot, smokes sometimes, in addition to more questionable things. They’re all some form of addict.

Ok, that’s all I’ll say about this broad topic for now. 

-x-x- 

The date is June 9th. 

It’s been a year since my senior prom. 

So, it’s been a year. 

Already? Wow. 

I got bad anxiety that night. I hate anxiety. 

-x-x- 

Lately, I’ve been thinking about my past. And realizing the stuff I went through.. yeah, none of that was normal. “Normal” people don’t go through things like that. Heck, I was never normal. 

Realizing things fucked me up. 

Here’s a list:

• When I first started eating regular food, I didn’t really eat anything. I had to go to a food therapist (eating therapist?).. fuck, I forgot what it was called. That baby cousin I talked about in the last post or a few posts ago? Well, he has issues with food and goes to a food/eating therapist (and sees other doctors for such-and-such reasons). So anyway, at one point we (me, my sister, and the mother of the baby (I could’ve phrased that better but whatever)) were talking about how I had issues with eating when I was very young. It was because I had a sensory issue with food. hmm... so yeah. that’s totally normal /s. 

• I’m skipping a lot of other “not normal” things because I only wanted to talk about a few of them. **

• I think it was in middle school when I first started having panic attacks. Only fairly recently did I become aware that what I went through then was in fact a panic attack. I used to think I first got them a few years later. But now I’m pretty sure I had panic attacks before then. And it’s messing me up a lot. I don’t mean having a rush of anxiety or an anxiety attack, I mean actual panic attacks. Knowing that I had them quite a few times in middle school and (in the first half of) high school is messing me up so much these days. What I went through isn’t normal. “Normal kids” don’t go through that painful, agonizing shit. I should’ve known that what I went through those times wasn’t just me zoning out and me experiencing heat stroke. How can someone have heat stroke when it isn’t hot outside and you’re in a strongly air-conditioned building? Like, duh, that makes no sense. I read that suddenly having an overwhelming feeling of intense heat throughout your body out of nowhere is a sign of panic attack. Well, that’s what I experienced quite a few times. It’s very scary. I’m so scared of that ever happening to me again. I swear, they feel like death. And I swear, I have the strangest trigger (triggers?). God.. I don’t even know how to describe it or name it. If I try, it’ll make me feel a little uncomfortable at best. And I still doubt if I really have anxiety problems (I’m leaving out a lot of stuff btw). And since I’m one who internalizes my problems and doesn’t lash out, no one noticed a damn thing was wrong with me any of the times this shit happened to me. And I can’t really blame them. 

• For a few weeks (or maybe it was just several days? I forgot-) in the summer of 2016, I was hearing pop songs in my room that were a few years old. I heard the music at absurd hours of the day, especially late at night (past midnight if I remember correctly?). And not just on Fridays or weekends. Ok so my point is that I’m pretty sure there never actually was music playing. I could only hear it in my room though. But logically it couldn’t be possible for me to hear music from outside (with my window closed) inside my room. I was doing other things, I’m pretty sure, but I could still hear the music. And there wasn’t music playing in my room. I checked my room but couldn’t find anything. I think it got the worst when I was trying to sleep..? In addition to all that, my mental health was very, very bad in the summer of 2016. Like, really bad. I’m still a little fucked up over what happened back then (and in late 2017 when my mental health deteriorated and I was extremely passively suicidal every day). Oops, I’m getting off topic. So what I’m trying to get at is that I think I was possibly hallucinating with the whole music thing that summer. Thinking back at it, I’m seeing the signs of an auditory hallucination. Thank god nothing like that happened to me since then. But, damn, it’s messing me up that there’s a likely chance I hallucinated before. And for days on end. It was disturbing. Haha, my mental health is great :} /s. 

• I have a scar on the inside of my lower lip from having hit the bathroom floor face-first. From fainting. From having a panic attack. I don’t think about it that much anymore (it happened way back in the summer of 2016, what a year that was), but it messes me up when others point it out and ask me how I got it. I still have trouble explaining how I did. 

• I spent the majority of my senior year of high school being passively suicidal. I had suicidal ideation just about every day until 2017 ended (then I had it less often). And thinking back on that is really fucking me up. Spending senior year being suicidal when every other senior classmate is excited to being almost done with school and happy about that.. damn, that sure messed me up. Being suicidal isn’t normal, god damn it! Fuck!! And the times I tried telling my family (parents) that I wanted to die and felt suicidal they didn’t acknowledge what I told them at all. They still haven’t. They still don’t. And like.. hey, that’s pretty fucked up, if you ask me. From September to the end of December 2017, I had suicidal thoughts almost every day. That’s a long time for being suicidal every day with no real breaks, god damn. Not being believed when you tell others your struggles sure is great! :^} /s. 

And that’s all shit from the past and only the past. Not the present. 

Yikes @ myself. :I 

-x-x- 

I listen to music so much nowadays because it literally feels like I can’t function if I’m not distracted from my own thoughts. 

And yes, falling asleep is pretty hard. But I still sleep a lot, ha ha. 

I hate when I can’t be distracted. :( 

I even make myself angry by reading bullshit on the internet in order to distract myself from my thoughts from the hell brain. 

*sighs* 

-x-x-

.... to be honest with you guys,

I’ll be surprised if I don’t attempt suicide this summer. 

:-} 

If every day is going to continue to be like this, it looks like the chances of me doing so are pretty high. 

I have thoughts screaming in my head every day that I seriously deserve to die and that I need to. That’s only one reason I can’t stand not being distracted from my own thoughts. 

I know writing this down isn’t helpful, but it’s bothering me having this all in my head. And only writing it down on paper didn’t help that much either. So I’m being an attention wh*re again, I guess. Oops. 

And my family isn’t saying it directly, but they sure are re-enforcing that “I deserve to die” thought pattern I have. 

I swear, I’m painted as the villain in this story. And the lazy one who doesn’t do shit on top of that. I’m both, apparently. 

I feel so hypervigilant these days. It feels like I’m walking on eggshells every day in this damn house. 

I already repeatedly tell myself the worst things they tell me. 

Thanks for affirming that those thoughts of mine are completely true. It means a lot to me. :^} /s. 

Gotta love that suicidal ideation coming back again! /s. 

-x-x-

ehhh ...

I could write more about my suicidal thoughts, but I’ll save you the trouble. 

I won’t get into that shit. 

:-)

-x-x-

Happy list of things that make me not want to die:

• Listening to music

• Thelma my cat

• Sunshine my dog

• Zo my other cat (?)

• Chatting with my friends (and by that, I mean texting/online messaging)

• Watching TV shows (but I haven’t had any motivation to continue any of the shows I’m watching for days now) 

• Watching movies (I guess?)

• Being told I’m good with babies (? yeah what-)

• Food 

• I’m not putting (my) art or writing in this list. I can’t think of anything else, oops bye. 

-x-x- 

sorry y’all 

press F for respect 

*F* 

-x-x-

I’m thinking of going by “Shan” in addition to “Cutepups” 

yeah idk 

yeah idk why I wrote this and decided to post it 

bye-

created more of them lol

Yes. Hi. :)

I forgot to add the link to this avatar maker thing.

Well anyway, here’s a link to it.

I hope it works (and doesn’t link to the avatars I’ve created lol).

Ok so, I made avatars of these fellas of mine: Dawn, Twinkle, and J___.

Dawn looks cute and sweet like always on these design websites. Twinkle has short hair and, again, looks like she’s seen some terrible things (if not more exaggerated from the long-haired version of her). J___ has one of his hair styles where the hair is dyed and one side is longer than the other.

I see Twinkle as having her hair be mostly blue with a few orange/strawberry blonde streaks in it.

I see J___ switching from having his hair be mostly black with the ends or a few streaks in the hair (less than what Twinkle has though) being a lighter color (usually white) with the opposite of that (so mostly white and a little black). When I was creating my J___ avatar, I liked it a little better when his hair was mostly white. So, as a reminder or whatever, his natural hair color isn’t black even though, yes, he has black hair quite often.

Also, I’ve been thinking. Let’s just call him “Ja boi” from now on. It’s like “ya boi” but with a j instead.

That sounds swag. XD

*accidentally flashbacks to weird 2015 Cutepups*

... oh no. yikes.

Ok, ok. It’s time for the pictures reveal.

Dawn

Twinkle 

J___ 

I mean, Ja boi. 

Their faces- hahaha! funny. 

In other news, I won’t amount to anything, and there’s no reason for me to stay alive, and I’m sad, and I made this post instead of going to the bathroom when I really needed to-

*cough, cough* ahem-

(I made that baby happy though, so maybe that accounts for something. idk what.)

Yeah. Bye. 

EDIT- from this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/8687

found more anime character creators lol

Yep lmao. Have more of this trash.

I found it while on the lovely hellsite called tumblr. :•)

More of my characters created using anime character creators. Oh boy, here we go again..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here’s a pink cat girl.

Cute and random! uwu 

The rest are from another avatar maker. There are far less choices than in the one I have been using. So I won’t be creating all of my characters with it. Including some of the main ones. Plus, I think other creator things would fit them better.

Here goes nothing!

But first, I made one that’s supposed to be me.

That’s me lol

And here are some of my characters: 

Twinkle. With her long hair. I’m not sure if I’ll make a version of her with short hair. 

Kid!/Young Teen! J___. Yes, his face is sweaty. *awkward “heh..”*. I’m not sure I’ll make a version of him at his current/story age with his hair dyed and stylized. 

Ardere. Smiley sunny lightning boy. Yeah, nothing else to really say about it. 

That’s all I have for now. 

I won’t be creating avatars of Duke, Fierdan, or Ryen with this one. I’m still deciding on whether or not to create a Dawn avatar. And I’m not creating any of my characters outside of the main group. 

Anyway, the dreams I’ve had recently have been rather interesting. 

Yesterday was the anniversary of D Day. I visited that place (as my mom puts it). Haha, I still have to show my pictures on here. I intended on doing that, but I keep forgetting about it. 

I’ve been applying to jobs. Not getting any response is frustrating. This sucks. :( 

Well, that’s it. Bye for now. 

EDIT- from this generator: https://picrew.me/image_maker/8687

also,, me me

Hi. Dreams are weird and unsettling. What the heck.

I visited our cousins and baby cousin with my sister yesterday. That was nice.

:)

ok bye lol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my art is so bad lmao 

ignore this post okthxbye

*sneezes*

ahem ahem ahem

This is also me at midnight when I want to post. It’s me on the daily.

umm.. eww. :/

lmfao

FEAR TM 

fear - asdfghjkllafjshlkdkloooolololol

me: *zooms in* haha! i look like a meme person.

&&&

Apathy / Zoned Out / Mind Blanks / ???

me? being decent? no! only chaos! aaaaaaaaaaa

I exist? I exist! 

yo, that’s wild. 

time to go die! 

oh, why must i have a body? 

......... there was no point in this post or the last one. 

time to return to the void! 

bye.

Realism Failure

One hour ago:

me: *looks at the time* hmm, what should I post about tonight?
gremlin in my brain: try drawing realism. maybe something you can use as a new profile pic?
me, a fool who is very tired: ok sure.

Please ignore this stupid post. Bye lmao.

...............

............

.........

*coughs aggressively*

*is dead in all ways except physical*

..... hi lol.

Around an hour ago, I got the brilliant idea to try drawing in a realistic art style. 

I was tired the entire time. I’m tired now. I’m always tired. Tired is what I am. Am I never not tired? The answer is no. 

Anyway...

I’m a stranger to selfies. I don’t. I can’t. 

Join me at the end of this stupid post to laugh at me. Thanks. :-) 

ok, ok, ok,,,

Realism Failure TM:

omg wtf lmao

Why is the ear so big?! What the-?!

By the way, trying to draw realistically at midnight when you’re very tired and didn’t properly draw anything in months is a bad idea. 

#/why did I do this?!?!? 

I don’t know if I’ll work more on it later. It looks like trash. But I don’t know, I might try to fix it up later if possible. 

I tried to draw myself. This doesn’t look like me. 

Umm, what the heck? How did that happen? 

mind: *blanks*

me: *briefly zones out*

......... well then. 

Congrats, you’ve reached the end of this stupid post! 

That awful drawing was supposed to be based off a bad picture of me I quickly took around an hour ago. 

woe is me woe is me woe is me :•( 

Look, it’s me. 

.... just kidding lol don’t look. 

This is what my tired foolish self looks like when I suddenly get the urge to make another pointless post. 

Life is rough. Life is tiring. Life is pain. 

I give up on art. 

..... how tf am I 19? wtf-

Ah yes, I am dead inside. Yeah. Totally. 

.............. I’m going to regret doing any of this by the time the sun rises. 

Ha, ha, ha,,,

ok goodnight. bye bye. 

something more coherent? not really.

something more coherent? not really.

*coughs aggressively* 

ok, let’s begin. hello-

——————————————

Looking back at my blogging decisions, I can’t decide if I sabotaged myself or if I helped myself. Hey, maybe it’s both.

Would I be the same person if I quit blogging a long time ago (for example, when I quit playing AJ)? What if I never started a blog (by entering the AJ blogging community or not)? 

Blogging shaped me so much. My memory is so bad now. I wouldn’t be able to remember many more things if I didn’t write about them in blog posts. 

.... I forgot where I was going with this. oh wait-

-x-x-

I don’t even remember why I went down the route to make the story.. the way it is. Was it because I wanted to be “edgyy” or was I sad all along? Was I trivializing mental illnesses and personality disorders in the early years of this cursed blog? Would I be the way I exist today if I didn’t create this blog and whole corrupt story world and plot? 

Did I screw myself over by believing my characters are traumatized and/or mentally ill? Why did I decide all that in the first place? What was the point in starting this damn story? 

Well, I guess it resulted in me reading more about MIs and PDs than if I didn’t. Yeah..? 

-x-x-

........ I can’t figure out if the online drama I was in had anything significant to do with the reason my mental health.. is the way it is today. Or if it was because of irl factors and just that? Or would I be the wreck I am today even without those bad things that happened to me? I really don’t know. 

Did I cause myself to be this way? Did other people cause me to be this way? Was I going to be this way no matter what? Was there nothing I or anyone else could do to stop it? I don’t know, and it’s killing me. 

Am I to blame for the person I’ve become? Is it my, and only my, fault? 

Did other people in my life (temporarily or still to this day) affect me so much that it changed the person I would be if they didn’t do certain things to me (or did other certain things)? 

Did dA/ and tumblr/ make my mental health worse ever since I joined those sites? 

Is my whole online presence something that I thought brought me joy but only screwed me up mentally? 

I,, I don’t know!! 

-x-x-

I used to think thinking of and working on my story project was a bad coping skill and maybe even an act of self-harm or self-sabotage. Now, I’m not sure. 

It’s probably both. 

When I’m struggling to find a reason to stay alive, I can just think of my story project and characters. When I want to hurt myself, I can just imagine my characters being upset. Most of the time, I think of them looking like disasters and screaming their lungs out and/or them engaging in bad coping skills (where they hurt themselves). I can push my pain on them. They can hold my emotional wreckage for me. They can have all the shit. 

-x-x-

it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine i’m fine it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine & i’m fine i’m fine i’m fine i’m fine & it’s not fine it’s not fine & i’m not fine i’m not fine nothing is fine it’s not fine nothing is fine i’m absolutely not fine i’m not fine i’m not fine i’m not fucking fine & “it’s fine” and “i’m fine” are shitty phrases more than half of the time &&&&&& finefinefinefinefinefine fine no longer registers as a real word; fine. 

-x-x- 

My brother left again to go to where he has to be to start his new job. 

When’s the next time we’ll see each other in-person? 

I don’t know. 

idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk 

goodbye 

-x-x- 

.......... my dad can be pretty toxic. 

...... this house is toxic. 

t-o-x-i-c. that spells toxic. 

toxic. 

:( // :( // :( // :( //

-x-x- 

[s.h. / s.i. implied]

........ ........... I was feeling terrible when I made that post with the videos in it a few days ago. 

I kept on adding songs to include in the post to distract myself from actually hurting myself. Until I no longer had the thoughts to. 

((and i was getting tired of using my characters and drawing/writing vents and listening to music as a distraction from my own thoughts and looking for my pets so i can pet them and anything good but i turned to music despite all that so you’re welcome)) 

..................... and my wrists and forearms ache to ache and they may be burning on invisible flames 

i really (did) want to die again. 

...... I never had thoughts Like That before. to think of hurting myself Like That. 

no, i didn’t do it. but the fact that i honestly considered it? yeahhh that’s not good. 

there’s no blood on my skin tonight. 

////////////

-x-x- 

🖤🖤🖤

~ Cutepups