Testing :)

Hello. :) 

I found an iTunes gift card in my room, so I could get the new Blogger app. (It costs money. :/)

Anyway, I'm using it. So that means I can edit my already published posts now (I couldn't do that for a while, which bothered me a lot). 

And I can add in photos from my phone's camera roll! Which means I can post photos of my art on here! :D 

I'm gonna try to post something else later today. This is just me testing the app, really. 

As for photos, have these from one of my snow days. I brought my cat, Thelma, outside to experience the snow. 

She looks so pretty with the white snowflakes on her black fur. It actually looked like snowflakes and not just specks of white on her. 

There were flurries when we were outside. We didn't stay outside for that long, don't worry. 

So yeah. In case anyone doesn't know who I meant by my cat that purrs and comforts me.. well.. this is her. I love her so much. <3 

She's a curious little kitty. ;v; 

-----------

Friday was a good day. Friday was good. Good Friday it was. 

(I don't celebrate that, but I felt like making that pun lmao.) 

Well, it's Passover now. Ah ok. 

Yeah, I'll end this post here. See ya. 

Snow Day skit (the final heck)

I'm on my shortened spring break now- yay!

I forgot I didn't finish this skit arc yet. It's been over a week since the day it takes place, pfft.

------------------------

[It's now at 12 pm. Last Thursday. The day I had a snow day. Uh yeah. Oh and they're all outside now. By the driveway. Ok then.]

Sparkle: There's still snow on the driveway. How long does it take you to get rid of it?
Duke: Then you go shovel.
Sparkle: Just use your fire to melt the snow, stupid.
Duke: *sighs* It's not as easy as that.
Sparkle: Fire is hot, so it'll melt the snow so much faster than if you just shovel it.
Dawn: If he sets all the snow on fire, then it'll just burn the snow. It's not as simple as you think it is, Sparkle. Then there would be too much melted snow water everywhere.
Sparkle: Can't you just shift the ground to get the snow off? Isn't that one of your Elemental Power abilities?
Dawn: I'm not doing that.
Twinkle: *calling over from somewhere else in the front yard* I found Ardere!
Finny: Oh, where'd he go?
Twinkle: *points to a snow fort when Finny walks toward her* In there.
Finny: *nods, goes with Twinkle toward the snow fort* We didn't see this here before. He builds fast.

[Finny and Twinkle peek inside the snow fort. A snowball hits Finny in the face. Another one nearly hits Twinkle, but she dodges it just in time. As a reaction, she shoots out ice-fire from her hand. Inside the fort, Ardere stops crouching down and stands up. His nose turns a purplish blue because it's covered in ice, thanks to Twinkle.]

Finny: *wipes the snow off his face with his hand*
Twinkle: *laughs*
Duke: *runs over to them* Oh, there you are! I thought I lost you again, Ardere!
Ardere: *replies to Duke by throwing a snowball at his face.*
Twinkle: *laughs harder* Wow Duke, your reflexes suck.
Duke: Stop being mean to me. *wipes the snow off his face with his hand*

[Somewhere else but idk where. Fauna and Fierdan are walking together.]

Fauna: *mimics the face that Fierdan made when he said, "What? No!" in the past two skits*
Fierdan: *sounds like he's in pain (but he's not actually in pain this time lol)* Please stop doing that.
Fauna: *laughs* No, your face is hilarious.
Fierdan: Stop it, you're so mean.
Fauna: You're a killer of your father in canon, and you're sad that a girl is laughing at you?
Fierdan: *face goes to a blank expression*
Fauna: I can't believe I once thought you were so intimidating. But you're really just a giant dork.
Fierdan: *trying to make a reference to their meeting in the story universe all that time ago, looks at the snow-covered grass* Ah, I like flowers.
Fauna: Someone who is an infamous killer who only wears black and uses black fire likes flowers. Huh, that's ironic.
Fierdan: Flowers are pretty.
Fauna: They sure are, dude. They sure are.
Fierdan: For your information, my aesthetic can consist of dark things and flowers. They both look nice.
Fauna: Uh.. yeah. Sure thing, buddy.

--------

I really want to end this skit arc.

Maybe I'll include a mysterious text message in another one. I'm too lazy to add one in here.

That's it, I'm tired of this, I'm done.

Bye lmao.

anyway.. hello

Fun fact (jk it's not fun): Every time I make a what I like to call "personal confessions" post, I imagine myself glancing over at the post like it's a building, and then the next post is seeing myself slowly walk away from the post (that's like a building in my imagination? idk).

Uh.. yeah! Hi!

I'm gonna try to keep this post short. Mainly because I don't want to stay up that late- again.

If anyone wonders why I keep on posting so late nowadays, it's because.. school, hehh. It's not that hard. I take generally "easy" classes this year. It's a chill year. I don't get nearly as much work as my previous school years. I think I also post more on days when the next time I'm at school is an A day (it doesn't matter if you don't know what that means). A days are my easier days, and I don't do much work in those classes. I mean there is work, but.. it's different. It's hard to explain. My classes are more chill (relaxed) on those days. Yeah.

Oh and also because I can't bring myself to actually stop thinking enough so that I can actually fall asleep before 12 (midnight). It's even hard for me to try to sleep at 11:30 now. But when I do fall asleep before midnight, I usually find myself waking up randomly at 3 or 4 in the morning. And that's so tiring, to be honest. That happens way less when I go to sleep at or after midnight.

To put it into perspective, it's midnight right now. Um ok lol.

I wasn't including naps just there. But about naps, I took one a few hours ago. By few, I mean 8-9 hours ago.. lol. I actually felt refreshed and not gross afterwards. That never happened before, wow.

But to be fair, I haven't been really sleeping for the past two days. I was stressing over a bunch of stuff. Some of that stuff is over with now, and some of it won't be as bad as I previously thought. So I'm not in pain from high anxiety right now as compared to the last post where I was.

As of right now, I'm doing okay.

I know I keep on making these posts, and I know I sound dramatic and annoying. Yeah.. yikes.

Oh and I stopped bleeding from under my fingernails on a few of my fingers. Not bleeding is great. Body healing itself? Very good; you're doing a fantastic job, body.

Earlier in the day, I think of random things that I could blog about. Maybe I'll do that. And then you'll be confused on why I made so many short posts. Like.. that's weird. What are my posts, anyway?

The other day, I actually confessed my honest feelings (my worries) about college that started plaguing my mind the day before I talked to that person (my friend irl). And.. wow.. I never did that before. Talking about feelings? Anxiety? Relating to the fears of going to college? I'm not alone in this struggle? What is this? Self improvement? Huh wow.

Honestly though.. whenever I'm making a post where I dramatically talk about my crushing anxiety and how I should just die (omg that's unhealthy, Cutepups), it's more than likely due to the following reasons.:

- College. ***
- Jobs (applying, interviews, interacting with the people there).
- Money $.
- Graduation.
- And maybe Prom (but I still haven't thought about it as much).

But it's mostly the first three. I am so terrified of it that it caused me so much emotional distress and a little physical pain all the time. Which is.. what's it called.. bad. It's bad.

So if anyone's reading my posts and is wondering what's wrong, it's probably because I'm scared of the future. Especially college.

(Get over it, Cutepups.)

I'm trying, I think, but my anxiety is getting worse. :(

Not right now. Just in general.

Yeah uh idk what else to say.

Oh wait.. I've had those thoughts about drugs (that paragraph in the last post) for the past few weeks on and off, and it's been bothering me so much. I hate thinking about it, but like.. the bad thoughts can't just leave just like that. I wish it could be that easy, but it's not.

I really should work on finding better and more helpful for me coping skills. Because.. I don't know about you guys, but.. posting about how much I want to harm myself whenever I'm upset isn't that good??. Wanting to get attention and validation only from people over the internet.. that's pretty bad. I think it's obnoxious of me. I know I complain that nobody cares, but that's because nobody comments that much. But I know I still get a number of views per post (around 20-30 something), and that I hold some meaning (apparently I matter??) in some people's lives irl.

For the first time in my life, I think I actually do have a pretty close friend in person. It's just that I think I'm much closer with my online friends. Confessing things through a screen and just using text is so much easier than doing it face-to-face when you know you'll have to talk to said person every day.

Yeah, that's it. Bye.

Snow Day skit 0.5

I've been lowkey panicking so much for the past few hours. I feel a crushing sadness, and everything isn't alright.

So in a desperate attempt to make myself feel better (and so I'll quit thinking these thoughts..), I'm going to continue the skit.

I think that writing skits is the only part of me that's still funny. I literally can not make myself genuinely be like the humorous self I was back in 2014-15. That version of me died a long time ago.

I also think that's why so many people left. Because I'm not funny anymore. I'm more depressing than funny. Who would rather stay with the person who vaguely hints at wanting to self destruct than with the person making dumb jokes? Honestly, no one. No wonder so many people left.

I'm harming your minds. I'm making you not feel good. I'm making you sick.

I'm a drug. In order to heal, people get rid of me. I'll just ruin you and then myself. I feel like I'm my own drug. I feel like I'm on drugs when I reread what I type in some of my posts. One of the bad thoughts I have is that I'll become someone who starts using drugs and sabotaging my own body. I've already scarred my brain with videos I've seen. I'm scared that I'll end up using drugs as a bad coping mechanism to deal with life and its sh¡t. I'm too sensitive for this world. And maybe if I'm high, I'll be able to fully open up and let out all my fvcking thoughts to people irl instead of just jamming it in people's faces via blog posts.

Oops, got carried away. Ha, ha.

----------------

[Continuing right where the skit left off.]

Finny: Uh.. what were you guys even doing?
Duke: You guys are just hanging around doing nothing inside while Finny, Dawn, and I were freezing our butts off trying to clear the snow off the driveway.
Dawn: Yeah, it is cold outside. *shivers*
Brock: Okay, okay I'll tell you. Fierdan was telling us how he and Dawn were cannibals.
Fierdan: What? No!
Finny: *takes a few steps back*
Duke: Dang Fierdan, that's a new low for you.
Fierdan: *face getting red, speaking to Brock* You wanted to know what the worst thing I've ever eaten was! Well, that was my honest answer!
Brock: *speaking to Fierdan* I didn't expect you to say human flesh! I thought you would say something like rotten eggs or something.
Fierdan: Rotten eggs?! There are so many things worse than that!
Brock: Yeah, I know! Like eating decaying corpses!
Fierdan: They were more black goop than human when we ate them!
Dawn: Uh.. excuse me. Stop making things up, Fierdan.
Fierdan: What?
Dawn: I apologize for what Fierdan told you. What he said isn't true.
Fierdan: Uh, yes it is?
Dawn: We didn't eat dead humans, Fierdan. Don't you dare call me a cannibal or ghoul or whatever the fancy new term is.
Fierdan: We ate black goop! It used to belong to people's bodies! Possibly!
Dawn: Don't recall. Never happened.
Fierdan: *indistinguishable frustrated noises*

(Oh, Danny boy... :'D Fierdan sweetie... What are you saying, my dude?)

I'm too upset to think of how to continue it.

Fierdan.. what a supervisor. 0/10. You're horrible at it.

Fierdan's supervisor logic: casually talk to the fellow kids about how you had to eat black goop and decayed human flesh in order to stay alive.. while eating avocado toast.

Damn it, Fierdan. You scarred the children. Look at Brock. He's a wreck.

Duke is too reasonable in this skit so far. Mm.. I don't like it. He's not being himself. Is this a cause for concern?

Duke, being smart? Having a brain? Wow, what a cryptic concept.

Lol but in the story (aka the canon thing), he's supposed to be like really smart (more so than the average kid). And I know you won't believe me, but he's supposed to be smart.

Ryen, Fierdan, their parents, Dawn, and Taurel are supposed to be very smart. The first four are supposed to be like geniuses. Crazy smart. But since I, myself, am a dumb fool who doesn't know anything, it's hard for me to write them as being crazy hecking smart. So I write them as being nerdy fools instead when I try to make them appear smart.

Duke is smart, I swear. X'D

Just wait another 20 years or whenever I'll type the torture arc. The scenes before and after it. Mm.. Duke. What a nerd. Why you think.. that? Hmm?

It's just that Fierdan and Soulless literally invading his brain and identity and corrupting him by the day (even when he's coping better or whatever) is making him be more loud and impulsive and basically how he acts in the story. But even before all that, he couldn't outwardly express how smart he really is. Because like, idk.. Duke.. let's just say I should put a trigger warning on him.

I'm typing this so fast. I don't know what I'm even saying.

Duke and his very bad coping mechanisms. Oh mm.. that's bad. Like, really bad. Don't do what Duke did. It'll kill you.

Oh and then there's himself and Admiral (what a b¡tch) at school. How she dated Finny while he was questioning if he liked Finny as more than just friends. How she freaking harassed him in school one day. Physically. And then there's him and his mommy issues and then later daddy issues but that's only after his father is dead. And then there's his history of bad fvcking coping mechanisms. Oh and this boy being obsessed with suicide basically. Oh and y'all think he's just a jokester fool boy? Hahaha ha!! My boy has many sides. He's fvcking three dimensional.

Like.. with how Duke lived his entire life, it wouldn't be realistically possible for him to prove to other people like yeah I am pretty damn smart and can outsmart people who call themselves geniuses with their too high egos.

Like, that's basically how Duke escapes from Taurel who's obsessed with torturing him. And how he saw flaws in how Taurel was executing his plan. And how Duke fvcking destroyed Taurel. Like.. yeah.

And then there's the whole interrogation scene before the actual physical torture. I never went into that. But it's there. Because I said so.

Wait., why did I start rambling about Duke? I forgot. What the fvck.

Uhhhh.........

Gotta love how Twinkle and Fauna kept on dissing Fierdan in the skit I posted in the previous post. Omg I love them lmao.

Brock and Sparkle and their very extremely dumb argument over avocado toast. What a meme food item. Millennials- no, teenagers- and their avocado toast. Iconic lmao.

I never even had avocado toast. Is guacamole even put on it? I have no idea. Pfft, watch me be totally wrong.

Uhhh..... I feel so warm. Warm and cozy? No. It's suffocating.

I hate the heat. There, I said it. Summer sucks.

I keep on having blood under my fingernails. Where did it come from? I don't know.

Damn, I really am like Fierdan then, huh. I can't escape the blood on my hands. I'm dangerous. Ooh scary.

Washing the blood off won't make it disappear. It's still on our hands. My hands are still red. My nails are still covered in blood.

That's disgusting, Cutepups. Get a towel. Damn.

But the blood keeps on coming back.

I'm breaking physically now too. Maybe this is just proof of how broken I am as a human being. Ha, aaahh.

Should I change the post title? Yeah, probably. But am I? Nah.

--------

Cheers to that, bro.

~ Cutepups

Snow Day skit

I had this skit idea on Thursday, but I'm posting it now. It was supposed to match the weather I have where I live (I had a snow day on Thursday lol) but now all the snow melted. So let's just pretend it's Thursday again. Ok but not really.

Yeah ok. Enjoy the skit. (hecking wild man)

-------------------

[Date: March 22nd. Time: 11:45 am. Location: Living room. Fierdan is in a T-shirt and sweatpants (so not his typical all black clothes, basically), and he's standing by the window (and he's looking outside, obviously). There are snow flurries outside. (Fierdan, sweetie.. hhhhfgh.)]

Fierdan: So it is snowing.
Twinkle: *enters the room, walks toward Fierdan with his back to her* Thanks for stating the obvious. *takes long, loud sip out of the CapriSun fruit punch juice pouch she's holding*
Fierdan: *being curious about the loud sip, he turns around to look at Twinkle, oh and he looks confused* Wait, it's Thursday. Why aren't you at school?
Twinkle: *takes another sip, then says casually* Why aren't you at college?
Fierdan: *is at a loss for words*
Twinkle: *sighs* There's no school today. It's a snow day.
Fierdan: Oh.. oh okay. *nods but still looks confused*
Twinkle: *starts walking away, but then Fauna enters the room*
Fauna: *walks toward Fierdan who is still standing by the window* Hey, where's your brother?
Fierdan: Ryen?
Fauna: *sighs* Yes. Who else could I be talking about?
Twinkle: *mutters under her breath* Pull it together, Fierdan.
Fauna: So where is he?
Twinkle: Why do you care where he is--
Fauna: I want to know where he is.
Twinkle: Uh.. okay. *walks away some more*
Fierdan: Ryen is at a conference. Since he isn't home, I have to supervise you kids on my own.
Fauna: *snickers* You? Supervise?
Fierdan: Yeah, that's right.
Fauna: Hmm.. okay. Tell me where Brock and Sparkle are at this very moment.
Fierdan: Huh? I don't know where they are right now.
Fauna: *shakes head in disappointment* Then you're not that good at supervising us kids. You're so clueless.
Fierdan: Ryen is meeting with.. people.
Fauna: Wow, that's so very specific. What kind of people?
Fierdan: It's a meeting for adults only--
Fauna: *gasps* So Ryen is into that kind of stuff--
Fierdan: *assuming what Fauna is referring to* What? No!
Fauna: Then tell me where he is?
Fierdan: I can't tell you! It's confidential information!
Fauna: Why didn't you go with him?
Fierdan: *hesitates before saying* Then who will supervise you kids?
Fauna: Duke has been eighteen for a few months now. Isn't that the age people become legal adults? So like.. he's not a kid anymore. Just so you know.
Fierdan: Compared to me, he's younger which makes him still not an adult of this household.
Fauna: And you are?
Fierdan: *sighs* Yes. And so is Ryen.
Fauna: Actually, Finny and Sparkle are also eighteen at this point. That means they aren't kids anymore either.
Fierdan: *grins but with a subtle "help me" expression ?*

[Brock enters the room from the kitchen. He looks annoyed and a bit sad. He's holding a plate with some food item on it. Behind him is Sparkle who looks vaguely disappointed but not clearly upset like Brock is.]

Brock: I told Sparkle to make me avocado toast. And what do I come back to? This garbage!
Sparkle: *sighs* Ugh, what's wrong with it?
Brock: I can't trust you with food!
Sparkle: I did just what you asked.
Brock: No, you're lying.
Sparkle: No, I'm not lying! How dare you accuse me of lying!
Brock: Did you even use guacamole?
Sparkle: Yes!
Brock: You put on other stuff too, and you didn't ask me if you could add any. You could at least tell me what.
Sparkle: *sighs* Just because I put some diced white onions and shredded cheddar cheese on top of the guac doesn't make it suddenly taste terrible.
Brock: It only tastes terrible because you weren't being honest with me.
Sparkle: Being honest? I just told you what I put on your toast!
Brock: You could've told me before I took a bite of it, not knowing I would also be tasting onions and cheese in addition to the avocado and bread.
Fauna: *looks at Fierdan who is looking at Brock and Sparkle arguing* If you're the "all mighty and powerful" supervisor, then why didn't you break up their fight before it even started?
Fierdan: *sighs* I was looking outside, so I couldn't see where anyone else was. I also thought all of you were at school.
Brock: Oh, school is cancelled for us today. We have to stay home.
Sparkle: *is confused* Supervisor?
Fierdan: Yeah, I'm supposed to supervise you guys since you're all home instead of being at school for some reason.

[A minute of silence later.]

Brock: Hey, Fierdan, try this gross avocado toast and tell us how awful it tastes.
Sparkle: *sounding offended* Hey!
Fierdan: Uh.. sure?
Fauna: *smirks* This sounds like it'll be entertaining, so I'll just stay and watch you.
Fierdan: *sighs like he's in pain from hearing Fauna* Okay fine.
Brock: *cuts off a small piece of the avocado toast and hands it to Fierdan* Tell us what you think.
Fierdan: *nods and pops the small piece of avocado toast into his mouth, chews thoughtfully*
Brock: So..?
Fierdan: *swallows* It tastes fine. It's pretty good, actually.
Brock: *feels offended by Fierdan's words* Huh?!
Fierdan: Uh.. I'll have the rest of it if you don't want it, Brock.
Brock: *frowns in disappointment as he hands Fierdan the plate, he thinks that Fierdan has betrayed him*
Fierdan: Cool, thanks.
Sparkle: *speaking to Brock* Ha, told you so! It still tastes good!
Brock: Fierdan doesn't know what something gross tastes like.
Fierdan: *looks up from the plate* What was that?
Brock: *grins* Tell us the worst thing you've ever eaten.
Sparkle: Uh.. why?
Brock: I want to know what he'll say.
Fierdan: I don't want to scar you though.
Brock: Scar us? Pfft, yeah right.
Fauna: You don't know much about our lives in the story universe, do you?
Brock: Not really, no.
Fauna: Oh, haha, okay then.
Brock: What?
Fauna: Ah, it's nothing. Why don't you tell us, Fierdan?
Fierdan: I would say my father's blood, but you drink blood more than eat it. Maybe that.. wait no.
Brock: Uh, what the heck?
Fierdan: Oh, I know!
Brock: W-What tastes worse than blood?
Fierdan: A lot of things, actually.
Brock: Oh...
Fierdan: *answering Brock's question* Decayed, black goop covered, human flesh.
Brock: *looks disgusted* Human flesh?
Fierdan: Well, it was more black goop than anything human when Dawn and I ate it.
Brock: *is horrified* Dawn also ate it?!
Fierdan: *speaks casually* Yeah. We were literally starving.. I don't think I ate anything for at least four days.. and our choices were to either eat that, each other, ourselves, or for us to just starve ourselves and end up being just like the hundreds of dead "bodies" that surrounded us.
Brock: What the actual f*ck...
Sparkle: This is why you shouldn't go on Dawn's bad side. Got that, Brock?
Brock: *gulps and nods*
Fierdan: My father transported hundreds of people, including Dawn and myself, into this new world he created. Earth was getting "too overpopulated," so to combat this issue, he forced people, mainly weaker individuals, into living into a new world. Only much later and when Dawn and I were the only ones who survived in his new world at first, did we realize his actual intentions. In order to deal with the population, he purged the numbers of it by mass-killing every person- except Dawn and me- all at once. My father, he planned and intended on having anyone who stepped into his new world be killed. I had to watch people die. I was only seven years old when I saw hundreds of people die around me. I couldn't do a damn thing to save them. And what was I doing? I was trying to remember my own freaking name. Just being there made Dawn and me forget our lives before. Many, many, many years later, and we finally regained our memories of before that fateful day.
Brock: Damn....
Fierdan: My father knew he wasn't going to die a peaceful death. He f*cked up too many lives for me to give him mercy. And on top of that, haha, Ryen told me that Z vaguely expected me to kill him. So, haha, even killing him was what he wanted me to do. I can't escape what he wanted me to do; I unknowingly turned into exactly what he wanted me to be. That was why he didn't hate me when I started killing him. He wanted that! Z brought them to the world to purge the population, and what did I end up doing there? *laughs wickedly ?* I f*cking lowered the population by killing people. Just like he f*cking wanted!
Brock: So on top of being a murderer, you and Dawn were also cannibals. Well, I won't forget that. Ha, ha.. help me.
Fierdan: They were no longer human by the time we ate them! It was just black goop. We were just living off of black goop, that might have once been body parts at some point, for the first month in the new world. I couldn't die because why would Z want to kill his son so soon? Bloodlines mean everything to him. He couldn't discard me, even though he actually hated me back then. He only liked me because I killed people. Being a pacifist makes me weak and worthless, according to Z. But when I started becoming violent, he started being proud of me. Z tried to kill Dawn and me, but our mother kept us alive. The powers she gave to us prevented us from dying like the rest of them.
Sparkle: Wait.. did you say our?
Fierdan: Ryen and I aren't completely certain about our mother.. we don't know much about her since she's a mysterious person, you see.. but we currently believe she was also Dawn's mother. It's all guessing, really. We can't exactly ask her. Since she's dead. Because of, you guessed it, Z.

[The door leading to the outside opens. A few seconds later, Duke, Dawn, and Finny enter the room. They look tired and are covered in snow.]

Duke: What are you guys doing? Are any of you gonna help us shovel?
Dawn: *looks around* Wait.. where's Ardere?
Duke: Damn it, not again.

Yeah. Bye.

still tired lol but hi

Yep, who would've guessed. Cutepups is still tired.

I was busy earlier. I'm here now though.

I have a few body aches poems in mind, and I physically feel like one of them. Hmm.. ouch. Body aches aren't fun. I'll be okay though.

((it feels like it's c r a c k i n g))

Anyway, hey.

I have a new skit in mind. I'm way too tired to type it all now though. Instead, I'll make a bulleted list about it. :)

- Snow.
- Fierdan is such a nerd, and it's cute. (me 1: don't you say that almost everything about him is cute? me 2: no, shh.)
- Twinkle "takes a sip, babe" and it's great.
- CapriSun is a good hecking drink, man!!
- Teens and their avocado toast.
- I thought of this skit when I was hungry.
- Where is Brock??
- Duke is doing.. something. I'm not sure what yet. But rest assured, he is doing something.
- Fierdan is the unofficial dad character in this skit. What a dork.
- Snowball fight.
- Shovelling snow.
- Mysterious text message from whom??
- I haven't thought of anything for the other characters, but they are indeed doing something.

Uhh yeah. Sounds.. interesting.

Now I'm gonna end this post with these songs I recently found that made me think of art ideas. I can't actually put new photos I take into my blog posts, currently though. I want to still post art on here, so I'm sad about that. Oh darn, what a shame.

Maybe I'll just have to link to somewhere else (like my dA) in order to also post my drawings on here. That's inconvenient though, I know. I'm also busy with some stuff, so I'm not sure when I'll find the time to draw all this stuff I have in mind.

Songs are good. Here, have some.

Zombie~ Bad Wolves (cover) 

Zombie~ Missio (cover). (Same song, different covers. I just have very different art ideas when listening to each song. I love them too, so why not lol.) 

Indestructible~ Not Your Dope (feat. MAX) 

Drugs~ EDEN 

Not explaining why lol bye. 

~ Cutepups <3 

snow tired

.... get it? 'Cause I'm so tired, there's snow where I am again, and I'm tired of it? Nah? Ok..

So apparently, I don't have school again tomorrow (Thursday). I'm annoyed about it. Like.. this isn't even necessary. All day closed? Seriously, school?

Uhhhhhhhhhhh. Know what's weird?

My body's reaction to how I sleep. I don't get it lmao.

On these days off school, I'm able to get more hours of sleep (so instead of 5, it'll be like 7). But instead of feeling less tired and well rested when I sleep longer, I wake up and spend the whole day feeling so much more tired than when I'm only on 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night.

Like.. what the heck is up with that? On the weekends and on snow days, I'm so much more tired than I would be if I were in school. But when I am in school, I feel so tired and drained.

So.. what's right, body? Make a decision.

Anyway, I'm tired just like any other time I'm making a post here.

I still have to reply to the long comments you guys left me. I read them. I'll get to typing something as a reply. I'll get to it soon, I swear.

Hmm.. I think my Cutepups online name is the only one that isn't focused on my sadness and despair over my life. Ha ha.

Blue- sad feeling, "true blue" is like being sad when I tell/am told the truth
Ghost- I don't feel alive, I feel dead (inside), IwanttodiesomaybeI'llbecomeaghost
Spirit- synonymous with Ghost, relates to the soul and passions, falling spirits for me, low spirit

Yeah uh. I don't know what I'm saying here.

Ugh, I had better post ideas a few days ago. And here I am typing such a trashy post. Sorry about that lmao, I'm also crying.

Oh and I have a project I have to do for Tuesday. Who up? Kill me.

Oh huh, it's midnight.

Ok bye lol I'll be back later.

The Unexpected New Friend

Anyone remember that horror short story I was talking about? Well, I'm gonna post it here. I was stuck on what to name it; I decided to title it what you see in the title of this post. Ehh.

On unrelated news since I'm not sure whether or not I'll make another post today, it's the first day of spring. I'm getting another snowstorm where I am. No school again tomorrow (ikr this is ridiculous, so many snow days, shortened spring break, ugh ugh).

I feel better now than a week ago. I don't feel like I'm on the verge of tears and that my heart feels heavy yet also empty. Not today at least, so that's good.

Monday and Tuesday were better school days than last Thursday and Friday.

So without further ado, the story! ^-^"

------------------------------------------------

   From the window, the sky looked dark and cloudy. Rain poured down, and it looked like it wouldn’t stop soon. A boy was looking out of the window, dreading the fact that he would have to walk home in the rain. With the ringing of the bell for school dismissal, the students gathered their belongings and left the classroom.

   In the hallway leading to the school doors, the boy felt a tap on his shoulder. Sighing, he turned around to see his friend, Jack.

   “Alex,” he started to say before getting interrupted.

   Turning around to face Jack, Alex simply replied, “Looks like we have to walk home in the rain,” before pushing the school doors open and heading out into the rain.

   Saying his friend’s name with more urgency, Jack ran out of the school after Alex. Just moments after stepping out in the rain, the boys got soaked. They were about to turn a corner and cross the street, but they hesitated when they heard another voice right behind them.

   A boy with navy blue hair and bright turquoise eyes ran up to them. Alex looked at him suspiciously. However, Jack had a different opinion about him.

   “Hey, aren’t you that new kid? What’s up?” Jack asked in an attempt to start a friendly conversation.
   Alex was tired and wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, never mind a stranger. Stepping in the rain puddles that covered the sidewalk, Alex walked on ahead. He shook his head in disagreement as he heard Jack continuing to talk to the blue-haired boy.
   “People call me Cyril,” he finally said. “Can you help me find my home?” He stared intently up at Jack.

   Alex groaned when he heard Jack say, “Sure, I’ll help you. What’s the address?”

   “Have fun with your new friend,” Alex said to Jack. “I’m going home now.” Raising the hood of his jacket, he crossed the street.

   Sounding like a child hearing a word for the first time, Cyril turned from looking at Jack to watching Alex’s back now on the other side of the street. “Friend?”

***

   That night, Alex had trouble sleeping. He couldn’t pinpoint the reason why.

Thunderstorms in the middle of the night were a regular occurrence, so he doubted that it was the storm keeping him awake.

   Alex had a bad feeling about Cyril. Sure, he was acting strangely around them, but why did the mere thought of Cyril bring him such an intense feeling of dread? Alex grabbed his phone on his nightstand. He could swear he saw a notification that said, “Beware the blue. Don’t let him return,” for a few seconds before it disappeared to the plain black screen. He held his phone for a minute or two, staring at the plain black screen of it.

   Rubbing his eyes, Alex sighed, “I’ll take care of it tomorrow. At least it’s Friday,” before tossing his phone aside and drifting off to sleep.

***

   The following morning, Alex decided to visit Jack. He couldn’t put into words the fear he felt for his friend. When he left his house, he glanced up at the sky. It looked like a sky on any other sunny day except the blue looked much darker. It was no longer raining and it would be the afternoon in an hour, so he was confused on why the sky looked so dark.

   That only made Alex feel more concerned about Jack. Without a second thought, he ran the way to Jack’s house.

   Alex was about to turn the corner to go on the road that Jack’s house was on when he saw him and Cyril walking together out of the corner of his eye. He turned around and ran up to the two of them.

   Cyril sounded much more confident than the day before. “Does that mean you’re my friend?” he asked Jack, unaware that Alex was approaching them from behind.

   “Yes, of course it does,” Jack replied, looking cheerfully at Cyril. Alex almost wanted to separate him from Cyril and ask him why he thought he could become friends with someone that they didn’t even know for a day yet, but the words caught in his throat when Cyril spoke.

   “Thank you, Jack. I need someone to be on my side,” Cyril grinned and grabbed Jack’s hand.

   Alex stood in silence, watching Cyril lead Jack to a nearby alley. After realizing he was just standing there, he shook his head.

   “What side?” He then ran in the direction they were going.

   Hiding behind a dumpster, Alex eavesdropped on what Cyril is saying. Hearing his voice sent chills running down his spine.

   “I like this concept of friends. You seem like a good one,” Cyril said to Jack. “By any chance, will you help me with something?”

   Jack cleared his throat. “What do you need help with?”

   Hearing Jack’s response made Alex roll his eyes. Why did Cyril always need help with something, and why was Jack always agreeing to help him?

   Suddenly, Alex heard a loud bang. He looked in the direction of the noise while he continued to hide behind the dumpster. Cyril shoved Jack into a wall and stood right in front of him. Jack tried to step away from him, but Cyril had a tight grip on his wrists.

   “You’ll be my sacrifice, so I can return home,” Cyril said, sounding vaguely like a hissing snake.

   After Cyril said that, his body started to change. His fingers that were still wrapped around Jack’s wrists grew longer and thinner, and his fingernails turned into long, curved claws. His grip on Jack’s wrists tightened even more.

   “What is going on?” Alex gasped, trying to stay quiet enough so that Cyril couldn’t hear him.

   Alex looked in horror as he saw Cyril turn his head fully around, still holding on to Jack’s wrists. Humans, they don’t work that way.

   His eyes were shining that bright turquoise color, but the pupils changed to look like those of a cat’s. His skin turned to a dull blue color, and it looked like there were scales from a reptile covering his neck and forearms. Cyril also had large feathery wings growing out from his back, and they were emitting pale blue and white flames.

   Alex didn’t even see the blue, curved horns coming out of two sides of Cyril’s head when he ran out in the open, revealing himself. Cyril stared at Alex’s eyes, but Alex shifted his eyes to focus on his claws that were about to dig into Jack’s skin.

   Alex didn’t know why he was here, and why he was interfering. He could’ve left and not put his own life in danger. For the first time in his life, he was putting someone else’s life above his own.

   “Get away from my friend, you demon!” Alex screamed, running into Cyril’s body. He tried to pull Cyril’s hands away from Jack, but he struggled to do so. His grip was just too strong.

   Jack looked as if he wanted to apologize, but he could only weakly say, “Alex? What are you doing here?”

   Alex was thinking of what to say, that he was here to rescue him, that he wasn’t going to just watch Cyril kill him as a sacrifice for whatever reason; he didn’t have enough time to say any of his thoughts out loud. Cyril struck the back of Alex’s head with one of his flame-covered wings, which resulted in him falling on the asphalt with a loud thud.

***

   The next thing that Alex could remember was rubbing his eyes and waking up on a white bed in a white room. There were two people, a man and a woman, standing in front of the bed, looking at Alex, who lifted his head. Were they from the police or the hospital? From what their uniforms looked like, Alex couldn’t really tell.

   “We’re sorry you had to meet Cyril in person,”the woman said. “We didn’t expect him to come to our town, nevertheless under the disguise of having the appearance of a fifteen-year-old boy just like yourselves.”

   Alex sat up in bed and glanced over to the side of the room. Jack was siting in a plastic chair, and his parents stood on each side of it. Alex felt relieved that he, nor himself, suffered from any major injuries.

   Then the man in the uniform explained, “Cyril is from the Demon Realm, and he has crossed into our world thirteen years ago in 2050. He has been moving locations and changing his appearances ever since then. The only way for him to go back is if he forms a bond with a human, but he has to kill the said person in order to gain access to the Demon Realm.”

   The man faced Jack. “You told him you were his friend, and yet he didn’t immediately turn you into his sacrifice. Cyril could have easily killed you in a matter of seconds, but he held back. Why is that?”

   “I ... I don’t know,” Jack stammered, avoiding eye contact with the man.

   Jack’s mother frowned at the people in the uniforms. “Did you catch that Cyril demon? Where is he now?”

   The man looked at them. “We lost communication with his exact location,” he told her, and then faced Alex. The look on his face suddenly changed to morbid curiosity as he stared only at the boy sitting in bed. He grinned. “But maybe he can help us track down Cyril.”

--------------------------

That's it. The end. 

And here's my description for it that I wrote on dA: 

A few weeks ago, I had to write a horror short story for a school assignment. It’s for my language arts (english) class, focusing on horror and monsters. 

It was hard for me to copy and paste. It looks way longer when it was all double spaced. I was getting close to the maximum number of pages for the assignment, so I know it’s rushed. I also wrote the entire story while I was in school. And in another class.

Finally, a writing piece that isn’t from my main story universe that I swear I’m working on.

I haven’t written prose in so long. The writing in this one isn’t that great in quality, but oh well I’m still posting it. My original document of it got deleted, which made me sad. Well, it’s saved on here now.

Hope you enjoy, even though it’s not close to being my best work!

~ S.

PS: The ending is supposed to be confusing. What does the man mean? I had to have a monster character for the assignment. I was thinking of drawing the characters in this, so I might do that. Alex is my favorite, and Cyril is a close second. Jack is so sweet. These poor, poor boys...

----------------

Bye now. :) 

kind of explaining but i'm half asleep now

Hi, I'm back with another post on my blog-with-a-misleading-name! :-)

I still have to fully read and reply to what you guys had to say (left comments? ahh, my heart :") <3).

I feel like posting another post at midnight on a Monday.

Me @ at any and all times: Why are you like this? Stop being like That. *disgusted shrugging noises*

Shoot, what was I gonna say......

. . . . .

Well umm, I woke up earlier than the time I wake up for school yesterday (on Sunday) for no reason. So that was.. something.

I swear I can't stay asleep for more than 5 or 6 hours straight without waking up. I can't bring myself to sleep a full 8 hours without waking up at least once in the middle of it.

Haha, my sleep.. out of wack. My health.. out of wack. It's bad lmao.

Last week, I felt such an intense aching sadness. It wouldn't go away. Like yeah, I always am sad to some extent, but this time it felt so physical. Which was weird. It hurt a lot. I also felt like I needed to cry, but I couldn't. I feel like the slightest thing someone says to me will make me cry, but it's also hard for me to actually cry. It's like I cry in my head and sometimes forget that I'm not actually physically crying where other people can see my tears.

Want to know who's my lifesaver? My cat is, lol. Thelma. Man, I love her so much.

One thing I like about my voice is that I can make myself sound exactly like a distressed crying kitten. So when I feel very sad and hurt, I meow like a crying cat, and Thelma comes right up to me. Well, that's only when we're in my room. And she just makes me feel so much better.

My family is sometimes joking about whether to train her to be a therapy cat, and I'm thinking that she's my personal therapy cat. I honestly think she's saved me from harming myself many times now.

So when I meow, she comes right up to me and starts rubbing her face or headbutting my face. And she purrs very loudly when doing that. And sometimes it sounds like she's chirping when she does that. And it's just so cute.

Like I could be thinking pretty graphic and disturbing things, and then just feeling her hit me with her face and those whiskers while she's purring, and I ttemporarily stop thinking about those bad thoughts and then I actually start laughing. Because, idk lol, it's funny how I can fool my cat into thinking I'm also a cat. And she's just repeatedly headbutting me. And her whiskers are ticklish. And she's so small and warm and fluffy.

I love my cat so much, and she's one thing that keeps me alive. ;v;

As for why I hate my voice, it's just that I literally can never know what I sound like when other people hear me. How I hear my voice in my head is so, so, so different (and better) than how I hear it after I play a recording with my voice. And honestly, I feel so disconnected from hearing my voice on recordings. I can't believe I sound like that to other people. I don't know anyone who has a voice even close to what mine sounds like, and it bothers me so much. I don't even sound like my family, ugh.

I can't know if my voice is too high or too flat when talking to other people. And it annoys me so much. I constantly feel like people think I'm weird or have things wrong with me due to how I sound. And I don't even know what I sound like to other people unless I'm hearing a recording of my voice. Because, I hear my voice sounding so vastly different than how other people hear it. And it makes me feel so disconnected, it hurts.

I bet to other people I sound like a freaking 8 year old when I talk. So that's why I refuse to talk a lot irl. And just thinking about how my voice sounds when I'm yelling and swearing.. yikes. I just want to sound like any other 17 year old where I'm from. Is that too much to ask for?

I have some poems, I just haven't had the confidence to post them online. I don't know if they're any good. So .. yeah.

Sometimes when I'm typing up posts and then reading them later, I feel like I've gotten drunk. Drunk on the words I've written. Drunk on poetry. Writing is like a drug.

That probably sounds like gibberish, and it probably is. Drunk on poetry.. is that a saying? I feel like it is.

As for why I feel uncomfortable with my arms, it's because they're so skinny and I feel inadequate about my body. So, heh, yeah.

For the past week, I've had these fading cat scratches along on my inner right forearm (the side the palm of my hand is on). They're basically gone by now, and only a faint trace of them ever being there is, well, still there. And like, that's no big deal. My cats end up hitting me with their sharp claws pretty often. It doesn't even hurt (until I notice that they actually made me bleed, smh). And again, this happens a lot.

But for some reason (tw?) my disturbing self destructive hell thoughts keep on looking down at these fading cat scratches on my arm and imagining them fully back and bleeding. So then there I am staring at my inner forearm and imagining it being covered in horizontal scratches just like the scratches my cats left me. But my mind is imagining the scratches being everywhere until my forearm is covered in horizontal scratches.

And.. yeah.. scary. Scary to think about that. I don't know. I keep on looking at that part of my arm (the same goes for my left arm) and having to reassure myself that I have no new scratches and that it doesn't look (or did) self harm (I never even did that anyways, so who the heck knows why I'm suddenly thinking it?).

Oh and one reason I've been wondering if anyone comments anymore is because I want to know if people still read my posts. I know I've gone through with doing that in s dramatic way, and I'm sorry.

I want to post more story content, and I'm paranoid that nobody is interested in what I write. I also have this short story with different characters in it, and I want to know what you guys think of it. It was for a school assignment, but now I keep on thinking of those characters and want to draw them.

I want people online to read it, despite my writing being pretty bad. ^-^"

I also felt sad and annoyed that no one left any questions/thoughts about the several posts I made about Fierdan and Duke in future chapters. Especially about Duke. I made so many posts about him. Getting no questions or opinions about that stuff hurt my feelings a little.

It's okay though. I guess it's hard to come up with what to say. I throw so many different things at you in a single post, so you're probably overwhelmed with what to comment about.

I want to feel less lonely and not think that this blog isn't read by others anymore. I guess I'm an attention seeker then.. heh.

And then there's my chronic feelings of guilt/shame that seem to never fully go away. And there's my fear for the future. To put it short, I really don't know if I'm making the right decision to go into a certain major/career path in college. I'm so scared that I'm trying to make a fantasy dream of mine a reality, and that I'll never make it and be good enough for myself and anyone.

I'm so terrified. Then add student loans and just being a college student in general and then having to get a job.. and I'm so freaking scared all the freaking time. And it makes me feel like I'm wasting so much money and for what? My parents already spent so much money on me. And that's also why I'm so hesitant on telling them how bad my mental health has gotten and that maybe my brother was right and that I need therapy. But unlike what he said, I think I need it to help with other things too. And that "social anxiety" isn't just a vague term and that I bet it's a disorder when it comes to me because it's negatively affecting my life to such an extent. And I could say the same about depression. But doctor appointments and therapists are expensive, and I feel even more guilty if I have to make my parents spend even more money on me even though getting therapy and maybe even medication (Kombucha isn't medication, fam) could improve my life and that I can maybe function better. And I feel so bad and think of suicide whenever inconveniences come up, and this is such a poor way of living. Geez.. that was a lot thrown out at you, sorry about that. I don't know what I'm thinking. I'm a freaking mess.

And I'm also scared of doctors. And I keep on invalidating that hey maybe I have depression or at least dysthymia (I've been feeling this way since the 10th grade to this low extent and I've been feeling like that earlier too but not as extremely bad) so it's been two years at least. And I have frequent suicidal ideation, so maybe yeah I should get help before I think of making that passive into active. And I already know ways of which I could try and die. I've been thinking about it for that much already, and with the stresses of college I know those thoughts will only multiply if I don't seek help other than things I read and listen to online. I regret how I was in my rare genuine happy moods when my doctor asked if I think I have depression and anxiety. I could be somewhere better if I said the truth, but doctors scare me and I don't want to make my family worry about me.

.... I don't know what I'm even saying here anymore.

I probably have some typos here. I'm too lazy to check. I hate seeing typos. They bother me so much.

I just want to have people tell me I have a right to living a future, and believe it.

Dang, am I forgetting to mention something? I don't know.

Well, I'll just end the post here. It's already long. And it's nearly 1 am.

Yeah. Bye.

~ Cutepups

foo fool

Embarrassment compilation of me playing daily since birth. It don't stop for nobody. Embarrassing moments never quit.

They're eating me alive, and my mere existence is an embarrassment compilation. The series never ends, aha aaaahhh.

Yet again, I feel bad for how I worded things in my last post. (whydon'tyoustraightupkillmewhilewe'reatithuh)

I know I've been getting comments and attention on other sites I'm active on (aka deviantart and tumblr), and yeah, I appreciate the people being nice to me on there. It's just that I meant to say I miss the attention this blog used to get back in the day. I miss getting comments from several people.

And now everything involving Blogger is like, ehhhh. And it makes me sad. :(

Sometimes I think of adding more polls and trying new things on here, but when it feels like no one's there, I don't see the point in doing that. I mean, I only get one person voting on the last few polls I did. So I don't see the point in adding more if I'll only be disappointed again.

And like.. a lot of stuff I post on here are things I don't post anywhere else. I've let it sink in my mind that this place (with how dead of a social place it's been for the past year or two) is my thoughts journal. I don't post about my thoughts and feelings as frequently or as deeply in other places as I do on here. So I still feel empty when people who used to love this blog leave one day and never come back. Or people just quit visiting here because, idk, Blogger is boring. I know what I do isn't really blogging anymore, but I like typing down my thoughts on here.

Maybe I like the privacy of posting on here, and that's why I never quit.

I want more then just one (saying two or three is a stretch) person to be interested in my stories and characters. And how I'm doing. And wanting to know if I'm okay or not.

I don't know. I miss a lot of people. This place feels like a dead zone. It feels like everyone died. Or maybe I'm the one who died since I feel so empty and disconnected nearly all the time now. Since I'm a ghost.

I hate feeling that whenever I post or even just talk about something I'm interested in, that everyone dismisses it as being stupid or they just don't care about it. I hate when I'm passionate about something that's important to me, but only being dismissed that I shouldn't be because it's only fiction. Like, haha, I'm sorry that fictional stuff feels like the only thing that's keeping me alive nowadays because yeah I still feel like hey maybe it'll be better for me and everyone if I'm dead.

And I know I must be selfish for wanting to also get comments on here when I get asks on tumblr sometimes. But tumblr isn't here. I usually don't post about personal things on tumblr.

I'm an asshole. I get that.

I feel stupid around 97+% of the time I'm awake, but get off I guess. I'm paranoid that when no one tells me anything that they're thinking I'm stupid and laughing about me behind my back when I'm not trying to be funny, but get off I guess. I hate nearly everything about me, but get off I guess.

------

Why foo fool? Well, several hours ago, my mom showed me that she still gets billed from this online game I haven't played since very early 2013.

And you would think it would stop billing my mom's credit card since I haven't played the game in around five years, right?

Apparently not. I had to log in to my old account and deactivate my account so my mom wouldn't keep on being billed by it.

And it was so embarrassing. I didn't remember playing the game at all (shows how bad my memory is lol).

Thankfully, it asked for my email when I logged in, so I just put in that. And the password was so simple (yikes).

The game was Foopets, by the way. I really thought I blogged about it on here when I first started blogging but I guess I didn't. I couldn't find any posts about it, anyways.

I even had put my real name in the public about part. And I sounded so cringey. Everything about me from back then was just pure cringe. (iwanttodie)

I had a Dalmatian named Dottie. I took so many pictures of her in the game. I titled the pictures the stupidest things. (i'mdyingplshelpmelmao)

I really thought I blogged about Foopets, but I guess I did not. (whattheheck)

I am so embarrassed. 2012 and early 2013 me are complete strangers to the current me. I don't know her. She died a long time ago. Wow, my memory is getting bad. I didn't even remember I had an account to that game.

I got the Foopets account before I even started getting really interested in playing AJ. That's how old it is. (jfci'mcrying)

Oh and my username was about puppies and had 522 in it. Just like my AJ username (cutepups522). Except it wasn't cutepups, it was something even dumber than that.

I identify as an embarrassment. People sigh and are disappointed in me almost every day. I don't know why I'm still alive. :-}

To be honest, I really miss being able to log onto AJ. I miss that Animal Jams game. :(

I'm a f_cking fool.

A fvcking fool.

Foo foo the fool.

And yes, I have poem ideas. I just need motivation to write them. With nobody showing interest in my posts, I don't really get more motivation.

I'm too tired to give myself motivation. Come on now, we.'ve been through this. I'm a let down who depends on other people for validation.

I'm also feeling so empty and sad. I'm so sad, wtf.

Hi, I'm sad. :-{

Living is pain. ;-]

It's impossible for me to not hate myself. I don't feel like going into details because hey, nobody gives a sh¡t.

I can't even do basic tasks correctly. And being 17 and nearly 18 while surrounded by people younger than me who can do the tasks very easily is killing me and tearing my fragile self esteem to shreds.

That's all I'll say about it.

I'm bitter? No kidding. Of course I'm bitter. Try being me and being in my body and having my thoughts, and let's see how it's impossible to not hate myself despite how much I've been trying to be more self compassionate to myself.

Maybe I just want to not exist anymore because there's no hope in life realistically getting better. Maybe I don't want to be saved. Maybe I just don't see the point in waking up day after day to the same boring sh¡t cycle of everyday life. Change isn't always better. It's usually not.

I'm so tired of trying. I don't see the point in things ever getting better, and being an adult would be a lot more sh¡ttier than how life is now.

I'm so tired of wasting my life, but I also don't have enough energy to actually go and do something new and exciting.

I hate my voice. I hate it so much. I hate my arms, too. I hate whatever my personality is. I hate how I can't even function as a "normal" 17 year old correctly. I hate how I keep on messing up and can't do anything right.

I hate being so sensitive. I hate how even hearing people just talk about heat and hot weather and high degrees in regards to temperature is basically a trigger for me and basically causes me to have panic attacks. I hate how it leaves me feeling like something lit my internal organs on fire and that I'm suffocating, but I'm too afraid to show it because I hate being noticed in public like that. I hate suffering in silence. I hate how much hearing others talk about hot weather and even just the sun and sun tans makes my body hurt so much. Like.. hearing others talk about heat descriptively? What kind of trigger is that? How does hot weather and the sun and tans cause you to hurt that much that it makes your stomach feel nauseous and your arms and legs to start shaking, Cutepups? How abnormal are you, Cutepups? You're a fvck up.

"Fire is a sign of my suffocation." Burning hurts. Even when there was no match to ignite the internal fire within me to begin with.

"Think positively!" Yeah right. That's so easy. Not thinking how much easier it'll be if I just die now than having to live another week. That'll suddenly just go away, huh? But it won't. It doesn't work that way.

Oh and I know my story is stupid. I don't know why I think I can change it to make it better. It's so bad. Everything about it sucks, so who am I kidding? Myself?

I know I'll just be suffering even more in the future.

Eww, I'm turning this into a pity party. Okay, but maybe I'll cry if I want to.

And yeah, I was referencing something just then. I am s crybaby and a pitiful person, anyways.

Duke cries a lot in the story. You could say he's a crybaby. But who's the real crybaby here? Me. I'm the crybaby. Even the smallest, most subtle hints of rejection and disappointment make me want to cry. It takes so much to hold it in and not cry.


Sometimes I think I can even physically feel serotonin leave my brain. But of course it doesn't work like that.

My head hurts. My eyes are burning. My stomach feels all twisted.

Okay, I'm done.

xxx

still nothing

Huh, what did I expect? Pfft.

Still no comments. Well.. heh.. ok then. Ok.

No one really uses Blogger anymore. What was I expecting? A comment? lol that's funny.

So anyway, I was suddenly thinking of the band, Sleeping With Sirens, today, and then later I was thinking of a post in December 2015 where I put in one of their songs. And I was all like, "don't comment just leave me alone." Uh, is this why no one comments anymore? Because I once told everyone to stop commenting? Like, hello?? Anyone there??

*screams into the dark abyss of loneliness*

I might write some sad bad poetry this weekend. I don't know for sure. I have low motivation for everything in my life except thinking of my OCs and reading way better stories over on deviantart.

School makes Fridays suck. School sucks. Bad day today, and I hate myself.

(eww @ me)

Can someone please kill my thoughts? Thanks.

(gets no comments but almost 20 pageviews per post)

Fine, ok, I'll have to do this myself. Of course.

_-•o*~>_/-+•<.•*-\~-_ error /•-\___*./'-


ah, f_ck it.






• _ •







•-•







[[i'm the error]]

I'm a wreck, haven't you heard?

Hello.

I usually don't type up posts at this time of day, but I really feel like posting now. Ever since I woke up for school yesterday morning, I've been feeling bad for what I said on my previous post. But I didn't feel motivated enough to type up a post then. Well, now I do.

Oh and sorry in advance for any typos I might make here. I hate how I can't just go in and easily edit my posts anymore. It's an inconvenience, alright.

I'm sorry. I was being petty and bitter in my last post. Ever since I read over what I wrote basically, I've been feeling awful for what I said. So again, I'm sorry.

I bet (and if this isn't true, then please give a sign?) that only two actual people visit my blog (this is it) and actually read my posts. Lately, it feels like only one person still visits here. But I don't know for sure.

I feel a little bad for putting pressure on just one or two people to constantly comment on my posts. And that brings me to my next point.

This blogging community (idk how else to word it but I mean myself and my viewers/commenters) has felt so lonely lately. Well, for a long time. And if there's only one or two people actually viewing my blog, then yeah, I guess it'll be harder to find the point in leaving a comment. And let's be honest, my replies to comments are usually bad. Like, very bad. So, like, why would anyone be interested in commenting?

And I hate feeling this chronic loneliness whenever I go on here. Maybe I should just quit, but I feel worse when I think about leaving. This loneliness is painful. I feel bad since I think I'm using you (whoever might read this).

Not getting any comments (any feedback, any opinions, any questions.. about anything- myself, my story, my characters, how I'm feeling/doing, etc.) seriously makes me feel inadequate and that nobody cares since nobody regularly comments.

(Btw I know Applestorm has left a few comments these past few weeks, and I really do appreciate and feel a little better after receiving them. But.. umm..)

I miss the ways that things were in the past. I miss the (though cringey) enthusiastic titles I put as my post titles. It makes me think of the times when I started blogging, and I wasn't metaphorically drowning myself in melancholy and depressive thoughts/behaviors.

To be honest, I think my memory is going a little bad. I had to play memory games in my psych class a few months ago, and I think I did badly on this one in particular. It should've been easy for me to remember a lot more of the list, but I just couldn't. But it could just be me being sleep deprived and tired since it's my first class of the day. And it honestly makes me so sad and empty that I can barely remember how I was and how I acted and how I thought before I turned 11 or 12. Maybe 13 or 14. Eh.. around that age range. I really don't remember much about me from before then. And the parts I do remember are the parts that are bad and made/make feel like an incompetent piece of garbage. I can really only remember the details of my past that are from my bad experiences. It's so freaking sad that I find it so hard to remember anything good that happened to me. And I don't know if I'm pushing this too far, but since I have difficulty remembering anything before age 14, I feel like I've been swallowed up by this disease (that's basically like chronic anxiety and depression) until that's the only part of my identity that I have today. I can't remember anything good, and it's killing me.

When I first started blogging, I don't think I was beginning to get deep into something like anxiety and/or depression (the kind where it seriously impacts your quality of life and your perception of yourself). So I was like, idk, "haha lol XD bruh *keyboard faces*." Maybe that was what made me a more interesting person and blogger? I'm not sure. Because back then, I got several different comments from several different people. And to me they all seemed really interested in what I had to say.

Well, my point is.. I really miss all that. I miss knowing when people were interested in my posts, and when they commented their excitement and thoughts. It makes me think that I had a close community of people who cared about me. Now that that's basically gone, I feel like nobody comes on here anymore or cares enough about me. It makes me feel even more inadequate and worthless about myself.

And so for the past several months, I've been thinking of this blog as being a personal online journal for myself. This blog being a place for me to record and collect my thoughts.

I feel both more and less judged when I post now. It's not like a group of people are commenting anymore. So I'm like, "eh, I'll post about whatever I want then."

Leaving comments leaves me validation. Without that, I begin to feel invalid.

Anyway, moving on now.. *ahem*.

I'm not sure how long I'll keep this up. I feel like including songs I've recently found into my posts. Songs that fit a particular mood or set of moods of how I'm feeling and how I want the posts to "sound" like.

Here are the songs for this post:

Me And My Friends Are Lonely~ Matt Maeson 

Inner Demons~ Julia Brennan 

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I'm a wreck. A self destructive catastrophe. 

Haven't you heard? 

I woke up at 3:30 this morning. I've been up since. 

I've been feeling intense sadness all day. I don't even know why. Earlier, it felt like I was on the verge of tears. 

My body was physically hurting before, but now the pain has subsided. 

It was snowing this morning. It stopped. 

There's too much snow here. I'm tired of the cold. 

I don't know if I want to continue this post anymore. 

Maybe Fierdan and Duke having trouble sleeping and having frequent nightmares is a representation of myself. I don't like being completely alone with my thoughts. I always need a distraction. If not, I think I'll crash and burn. I have some trouble sleeping. I get bad dreams sometimes. 

I talk about them and skits so much because they're my distraction. One of many, but one of the few that's personally mine. I can't deal with myself, so I'm constantly thinking about them and their lives instead. 

I really can't stand myself. 

In my psych class today, we were learning about self esteem. 

That reminded me how low and messed up mine is. 

To other people who probably don't know me well, they think I have a decent self esteem. But i know mine is too low. They don't know what I'm thinking about myself. 

I think I'm worth less than other people. Worthless. I think. I'm worthless. 

I think I'm a burden. A burning burden. Am I burdening you by merely existing? I really don't know anymore. I don't know if the words people tell me are truths or lies. 

I tried. I really did. Even when I don't act as irritable and snap at people, I still disappoint them. I'm still not enough. I thought I would be loved more if I behaved more nicely. But I guess that isn't enough. Nothing ever is. 

Their words left metaphorical scars over me. Don't believe me. They don't believe me the first time. I don't deserve to be believed. I'm a liar caught up in a fire. They set me on fire. I'm only a candle to them now. 

Believe me. Please believe me. It wasn't my fault. A lot of things are, but that wasn't. It's not my fault. I'm only a fault. 

I could write poems about the too bright bathroom light, the way their words still hurt me and how I'll never be how I was before they told me those words, the way my ribs seem to shift and crack and poke into my vital organs. 

I'm not sad. I'm so much more than that. 

Yeah, there's something wrong with me. I have a whole list in my back pocket. 

I really hate being me, you know. 

I feel like no one cares as much as I do. 

Man, I hate being sensitive. It's ruining my life. 

I'm falling apart. It's impossible for me to be like the most. I'm not the most. I'm only myself. 

And there's only a sick ghost residing in these aching bones. 

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Broken Crown hecking bros

Hi, I'm up late because I love sabotaging myself.

Nobody really cares or wants me to talk about myself, so I'm here to talk about my OCs instead.

A few months ago, I found this song.

It now reminds me of Ryen, Fierdan, Z, and Soulless.

I don't feel like explaining anymore because I lost motivation that anyone gives a damn!

Broken Crown~ Mumford & Sons 

This song... <3 omg. 

Makes me think of it possibly being in that royalty AU I mentioned last post. 

I basically hear this song being sung in Ryen's perspective, but it's about him and Fierdan. 

Wait, no.. around halfway through the song I also hear it in Fierdan's perspective. 

Oh and that line, "I'll never be your chosen one" reminds me of how Pre-Fierdan views Z. Because when Fierdan was a little kid only known as Danny (yeah, that's his other nickname.. weird, huh?), Z was constantly disappointed in him and.. yeah, bad stuff. So Z liked Ryen more, and spent more time with him. But later on, Ryen thinks that Z might have liked Fierdan more. So then Ryen thinks he'll never be the "chosen one" or more liked son. But in reality, their father was terrible to both of them. 

And none of what I just said will make any sense to anyone but myself. But you know what? I don't care since nobody even comments their input and thoughts. 

I mean yeah, I'm blogging for myself and I enjoy it. But not getting comments on here or anywhere is pretty annoying. And I'm sad right now too, so fvck it. 

Basically, I view this song as Ryen and Danny (oh heck, meant to say Fierdan but he isn't known by that name all his life, so) throughout their lives. 

These hecking bros.. make me so emotional. What the fvck. 

"I'll never wear your broken crown" reminds me of when they're much older and realize how sh¡tty their father was towards them (and also their mother and Dawn ;; hh). 

Yeah yikes, what a corrupt family. Z is terrible. He sucks. That song line is basically reminding me of how like Ryen and Fierdan are not accepting to agree with their father and do what he does/did. 

But ironically enough, Fierdan grew up to be and do what Z wanted him to do. And he looks a lot like Z. 

So.. yeah. :( ;-; 

I love thinking about this messed up, pain-filled family. Ha, ha, aaaaahhhh. 

I'm typing this now because I fvcking hate myself with a burning passion. God!!

Oh and I realized I can add my old signature in my posts. 

Yeah, that's cool I guess. 

. . . . . . 

hmm oh hey

Hey there. I'm back with another post where I'll basically be rambling. Enjoy.

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I had two days off of school (Wednesday and Thursday) even though there wasn't really a reason to have the schools fully closed both days.

Ah, oh well. Not having school was nice.

Oh look, it's Friday now. Back to school for one day, and then it's the actual weekend.

Well, ok then. Just one day. Eh, shouldn't be too bad.

-x-x-

My cat, Thelma, is a hunter.

According to my parents, she hunted down and killed this mouse that entered our house through the cat food bag.

Poor mousey. :(

I'm proud of my cat though. She's a cat alright. My little hunter. :')

I didn't see her do this though. Ugh rip.

-x-x-

Saw the movies, "Get Out" and "Coco", recently.

You know.. those movies.. won Oscars. Yeah?

They're good movies.

Nice. Nice indeed.

:)

-x-x-

About movies...

I'm not sure if it's because I've become more emotionally numb/apathetic or I just don't care or if it's because of what my story plans are, but like.. horror...

Horror movies and shows used to scare me so much. Like, I bet I'll still get frightened when I watch some horror movies, but nowadays, I feel less terrified when I watch horror genre stuff.

I actually like watching and reading horror now. It's actually very interesting.

So I've been watching and reading more of that type of stuff.

Yeah, woo, what a thrill.

-x-x-

Every day, I think about Duke and Fierdan a lot.

I'm still obsessed with them, I'm so sorry lmao.

-x-x-

When I wrote skits now, I see Fierdan as having a, well a umm...

Older brother/very young brother role towards Duke.

I think it's weird and bad and urghfghfh, but.. it's true.

Isn't it?

Oh heck.

-x-x-

I have a new skit idea involving Fierdan.

But first.. does anyone remember those skits I made several months ago where all of the characters made their own tumblr blog accounts?

Omg, what a time that was. Yikes.

So anyway, my new skit idea involves that.

In this weird as heck idea, this happens:

Ardere is walking around holding his laptop (because he apparently has one now). He is scrolling through Fierdan's tumblr blog page. Ardere is scrolling through his blog finding pictures of cryptids because Fierdan loves cryptids apparently. But then after a good long amount of scrolling, Ardere finds Fierdan's cursed poetry. And it's all hecking chaos from there.

And so there are several posts of Fierdan's poetry, which are.. umm.. inappropriate. So Ardere goes up to Fierdan with a wtf look on his face.

Ok but honestly, I can just picture Fierdan (at any point of his life really except for Pre-Fierdan because that boy was too sweet and pure and precious, gfghh) writing these messy poems that go into depth about violence. Like.. severe violence. I need to improve how I write very violent stuff though, heh eh.

I also can kinda picture Ardere finding Fierdan's poetry series on the seven sins or whatever they're actually called. So then Ardere reads poems titled the sins such as "Wrath", "Greed", "Pride", etc. and then he stumbles across the "Lust" one. And then.. I'm sorry lmao.

It's not what you might be thinking. I just.. asdfghjkl mmmm omg.

-x-x-

(Go to sleep, Cutepups. I don't want your filthy garbage. Stop throwing dirt. :/)

Yeah. Haha. Ha. No.

-x-x-

Random reminders/facts because why tf not:

Z (Ryen and Fierdan's father) is an awful man. I hate him. He's gross.

C (Ryen and Fierdan's mother) is a generally nice person. She's not like Z. But.. but.. she's pretty terrible too. For different reasons than Z. She's also very problematic. Honestly, screw her sonetimes. How dare she.

I know in the skits and what he's been like in the story so far that Ryen seems like a good, least problematic out of his parents and brother, but honestly.. Ryen is also problematic. They all are extremely problematic. Sometimes I think Fierdan is the least problematic out of all of them (weird thought, I know). Honestly, Ryen is such a jerk. And I think Ryen did stuff that was worse than nearly anything Fierdan did. Which is saying something. Anyway, screw Ryen in those scenes about their pasts. He frustrates me, and I hate what he did.

Taurel and Risak are what I hope are the antagonists of the story. But unlike Z (terrible shit man), I'm very interested in their characters and motives. Like omg, Taurel's  path to being merciless. Growing obsessed with finding and seeking revenge on (Duke) Fierdan. How he goes to extreme measures. He just doesn't give an eff, which is pretty awesome.


I really like Taurel and Risak quite a lot. Mm, heck me up.

Ok so they're not actually royalty, but I kinda view the family similar to a royal one. So anyway, I kinda view the family (Z, C, Ryen, Fierdan) as being a dynasty. Like.. idk lol.. King Z, Queen C, and their sons, Ryen and Fierdan. Well.. it's a corrupt dynasty then. Corrupt family, that's what it is. Big yikes.

Duke stands for something that's basically the name of the spell Fierdan said when creating the fusion of a tiny part of  himself and of  Soulless. Some random guy once told Duke that the "K" and "E" of his name stand for "Kill Everybody", but that's probably wrong.

So then I thought that maybe the "K" and "E" could stand for the English translation of what the "D" and "U" stand for.

But now I'm thinking of making what D.U.K.E. stands for so that every letter isn't a typical English word. In other words, the letters are words that are like names. But it's not like regular English words and names. Because.. well.. Fierdan wasn't speaking English when he did that Duke spell. He's saying stuff in another language, and I'm gonna be making up words. Hopefully. I hope so. It's hard work though.

A few days ago, I've been thinking about the "D" and "U" a lot. Hmm.

So basically, Duke is made up of four other, more complex, names. And Duke is an acronym. Duke is way shorter and easier to pronounce. So, he's just called Duke or Duke Fierdan.

I almost had a word down for the "U" but it turns out that's the name of an angel. So.. eh.. not gonna use that.

Duke is definitely not an angel. He's like a freaking demon. The opposite of being angelic. He's been cursed from the start. He's a curse. Can't be an angel then, sorry boy.

Uhh.. my plans, my goals, my dedication is to say by my gosh heck that...

Fierdan is bisexual. Confirmed me. Will I explain? Not now.

He.. he likes both. Ok, ok. Bi.

Oh, me? Can't decide whether I like DukeXTwinkle (actual canon thing that actually happened) or DukeXFinny (ship never sailed, never happened, tragic, damn it Finster)) now. Can't decide whether to (deep in story 2 at least- if I'll ever write the darn thing) have Fierdan stay in (for the long term *wink, wonk*) a relationship with a male character or female character. I can see him with both. But a lot happens before any of that actually starts because.. he's Fierdan. I'm also thinking of adding at least one nonbinary character in story 2, but I don't see Fierdan having a relationship with them.

Relationships? Romantic? Sexual? Aaahherghh idk what I'm talking about, I'm a hecking aro who is also ace. But do I sure love the unnecessary drama of adding romance to my characters.

Sensual confusion. Sexual? Wtf..?

Me: *explodes*

Honestly, at this point I'm viewing nearly all my protagonists (well, in that vague story 2 concept I talk about) as being asexual, aromatic, bisexual, and pansexual. Lol yeah uh.. heck.

Me? Obsessed with Fierdan? What? Pfft, no..

(I swear to god, Cutepuos! :/)

He's just my fiery boy. I love how I imagine him in my head. He's so beautiful, I'm crying.

(Omg go to sleep already! :/)

Sorry if there are any typos. I'll cringe at them later, just like I always do with all posts I make.

Ayy. :-)

~ Cutepups (.. wink wonk.. ;^) heck)