I'm a wreck, haven't you heard?

Hello.

I usually don't type up posts at this time of day, but I really feel like posting now. Ever since I woke up for school yesterday morning, I've been feeling bad for what I said on my previous post. But I didn't feel motivated enough to type up a post then. Well, now I do.

Oh and sorry in advance for any typos I might make here. I hate how I can't just go in and easily edit my posts anymore. It's an inconvenience, alright.

I'm sorry. I was being petty and bitter in my last post. Ever since I read over what I wrote basically, I've been feeling awful for what I said. So again, I'm sorry.

I bet (and if this isn't true, then please give a sign?) that only two actual people visit my blog (this is it) and actually read my posts. Lately, it feels like only one person still visits here. But I don't know for sure.

I feel a little bad for putting pressure on just one or two people to constantly comment on my posts. And that brings me to my next point.

This blogging community (idk how else to word it but I mean myself and my viewers/commenters) has felt so lonely lately. Well, for a long time. And if there's only one or two people actually viewing my blog, then yeah, I guess it'll be harder to find the point in leaving a comment. And let's be honest, my replies to comments are usually bad. Like, very bad. So, like, why would anyone be interested in commenting?

And I hate feeling this chronic loneliness whenever I go on here. Maybe I should just quit, but I feel worse when I think about leaving. This loneliness is painful. I feel bad since I think I'm using you (whoever might read this).

Not getting any comments (any feedback, any opinions, any questions.. about anything- myself, my story, my characters, how I'm feeling/doing, etc.) seriously makes me feel inadequate and that nobody cares since nobody regularly comments.

(Btw I know Applestorm has left a few comments these past few weeks, and I really do appreciate and feel a little better after receiving them. But.. umm..)

I miss the ways that things were in the past. I miss the (though cringey) enthusiastic titles I put as my post titles. It makes me think of the times when I started blogging, and I wasn't metaphorically drowning myself in melancholy and depressive thoughts/behaviors.

To be honest, I think my memory is going a little bad. I had to play memory games in my psych class a few months ago, and I think I did badly on this one in particular. It should've been easy for me to remember a lot more of the list, but I just couldn't. But it could just be me being sleep deprived and tired since it's my first class of the day. And it honestly makes me so sad and empty that I can barely remember how I was and how I acted and how I thought before I turned 11 or 12. Maybe 13 or 14. Eh.. around that age range. I really don't remember much about me from before then. And the parts I do remember are the parts that are bad and made/make feel like an incompetent piece of garbage. I can really only remember the details of my past that are from my bad experiences. It's so freaking sad that I find it so hard to remember anything good that happened to me. And I don't know if I'm pushing this too far, but since I have difficulty remembering anything before age 14, I feel like I've been swallowed up by this disease (that's basically like chronic anxiety and depression) until that's the only part of my identity that I have today. I can't remember anything good, and it's killing me.

When I first started blogging, I don't think I was beginning to get deep into something like anxiety and/or depression (the kind where it seriously impacts your quality of life and your perception of yourself). So I was like, idk, "haha lol XD bruh *keyboard faces*." Maybe that was what made me a more interesting person and blogger? I'm not sure. Because back then, I got several different comments from several different people. And to me they all seemed really interested in what I had to say.

Well, my point is.. I really miss all that. I miss knowing when people were interested in my posts, and when they commented their excitement and thoughts. It makes me think that I had a close community of people who cared about me. Now that that's basically gone, I feel like nobody comes on here anymore or cares enough about me. It makes me feel even more inadequate and worthless about myself.

And so for the past several months, I've been thinking of this blog as being a personal online journal for myself. This blog being a place for me to record and collect my thoughts.

I feel both more and less judged when I post now. It's not like a group of people are commenting anymore. So I'm like, "eh, I'll post about whatever I want then."

Leaving comments leaves me validation. Without that, I begin to feel invalid.

Anyway, moving on now.. *ahem*.

I'm not sure how long I'll keep this up. I feel like including songs I've recently found into my posts. Songs that fit a particular mood or set of moods of how I'm feeling and how I want the posts to "sound" like.

Here are the songs for this post:

Me And My Friends Are Lonely~ Matt Maeson 

Inner Demons~ Julia Brennan 

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I'm a wreck. A self destructive catastrophe. 

Haven't you heard? 

I woke up at 3:30 this morning. I've been up since. 

I've been feeling intense sadness all day. I don't even know why. Earlier, it felt like I was on the verge of tears. 

My body was physically hurting before, but now the pain has subsided. 

It was snowing this morning. It stopped. 

There's too much snow here. I'm tired of the cold. 

I don't know if I want to continue this post anymore. 

Maybe Fierdan and Duke having trouble sleeping and having frequent nightmares is a representation of myself. I don't like being completely alone with my thoughts. I always need a distraction. If not, I think I'll crash and burn. I have some trouble sleeping. I get bad dreams sometimes. 

I talk about them and skits so much because they're my distraction. One of many, but one of the few that's personally mine. I can't deal with myself, so I'm constantly thinking about them and their lives instead. 

I really can't stand myself. 

In my psych class today, we were learning about self esteem. 

That reminded me how low and messed up mine is. 

To other people who probably don't know me well, they think I have a decent self esteem. But i know mine is too low. They don't know what I'm thinking about myself. 

I think I'm worth less than other people. Worthless. I think. I'm worthless. 

I think I'm a burden. A burning burden. Am I burdening you by merely existing? I really don't know anymore. I don't know if the words people tell me are truths or lies. 

I tried. I really did. Even when I don't act as irritable and snap at people, I still disappoint them. I'm still not enough. I thought I would be loved more if I behaved more nicely. But I guess that isn't enough. Nothing ever is. 

Their words left metaphorical scars over me. Don't believe me. They don't believe me the first time. I don't deserve to be believed. I'm a liar caught up in a fire. They set me on fire. I'm only a candle to them now. 

Believe me. Please believe me. It wasn't my fault. A lot of things are, but that wasn't. It's not my fault. I'm only a fault. 

I could write poems about the too bright bathroom light, the way their words still hurt me and how I'll never be how I was before they told me those words, the way my ribs seem to shift and crack and poke into my vital organs. 

I'm not sad. I'm so much more than that. 

Yeah, there's something wrong with me. I have a whole list in my back pocket. 

I really hate being me, you know. 

I feel like no one cares as much as I do. 

Man, I hate being sensitive. It's ruining my life. 

I'm falling apart. It's impossible for me to be like the most. I'm not the most. I'm only myself. 

And there's only a sick ghost residing in these aching bones. 

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