anyway.. hello

Fun fact (jk it's not fun): Every time I make a what I like to call "personal confessions" post, I imagine myself glancing over at the post like it's a building, and then the next post is seeing myself slowly walk away from the post (that's like a building in my imagination? idk).

Uh.. yeah! Hi!

I'm gonna try to keep this post short. Mainly because I don't want to stay up that late- again.

If anyone wonders why I keep on posting so late nowadays, it's because.. school, hehh. It's not that hard. I take generally "easy" classes this year. It's a chill year. I don't get nearly as much work as my previous school years. I think I also post more on days when the next time I'm at school is an A day (it doesn't matter if you don't know what that means). A days are my easier days, and I don't do much work in those classes. I mean there is work, but.. it's different. It's hard to explain. My classes are more chill (relaxed) on those days. Yeah.

Oh and also because I can't bring myself to actually stop thinking enough so that I can actually fall asleep before 12 (midnight). It's even hard for me to try to sleep at 11:30 now. But when I do fall asleep before midnight, I usually find myself waking up randomly at 3 or 4 in the morning. And that's so tiring, to be honest. That happens way less when I go to sleep at or after midnight.

To put it into perspective, it's midnight right now. Um ok lol.

I wasn't including naps just there. But about naps, I took one a few hours ago. By few, I mean 8-9 hours ago.. lol. I actually felt refreshed and not gross afterwards. That never happened before, wow.

But to be fair, I haven't been really sleeping for the past two days. I was stressing over a bunch of stuff. Some of that stuff is over with now, and some of it won't be as bad as I previously thought. So I'm not in pain from high anxiety right now as compared to the last post where I was.

As of right now, I'm doing okay.

I know I keep on making these posts, and I know I sound dramatic and annoying. Yeah.. yikes.

Oh and I stopped bleeding from under my fingernails on a few of my fingers. Not bleeding is great. Body healing itself? Very good; you're doing a fantastic job, body.

Earlier in the day, I think of random things that I could blog about. Maybe I'll do that. And then you'll be confused on why I made so many short posts. Like.. that's weird. What are my posts, anyway?

The other day, I actually confessed my honest feelings (my worries) about college that started plaguing my mind the day before I talked to that person (my friend irl). And.. wow.. I never did that before. Talking about feelings? Anxiety? Relating to the fears of going to college? I'm not alone in this struggle? What is this? Self improvement? Huh wow.

Honestly though.. whenever I'm making a post where I dramatically talk about my crushing anxiety and how I should just die (omg that's unhealthy, Cutepups), it's more than likely due to the following reasons.:

- College. ***
- Jobs (applying, interviews, interacting with the people there).
- Money $.
- Graduation.
- And maybe Prom (but I still haven't thought about it as much).

But it's mostly the first three. I am so terrified of it that it caused me so much emotional distress and a little physical pain all the time. Which is.. what's it called.. bad. It's bad.

So if anyone's reading my posts and is wondering what's wrong, it's probably because I'm scared of the future. Especially college.

(Get over it, Cutepups.)

I'm trying, I think, but my anxiety is getting worse. :(

Not right now. Just in general.

Yeah uh idk what else to say.

Oh wait.. I've had those thoughts about drugs (that paragraph in the last post) for the past few weeks on and off, and it's been bothering me so much. I hate thinking about it, but like.. the bad thoughts can't just leave just like that. I wish it could be that easy, but it's not.

I really should work on finding better and more helpful for me coping skills. Because.. I don't know about you guys, but.. posting about how much I want to harm myself whenever I'm upset isn't that good??. Wanting to get attention and validation only from people over the internet.. that's pretty bad. I think it's obnoxious of me. I know I complain that nobody cares, but that's because nobody comments that much. But I know I still get a number of views per post (around 20-30 something), and that I hold some meaning (apparently I matter??) in some people's lives irl.

For the first time in my life, I think I actually do have a pretty close friend in person. It's just that I think I'm much closer with my online friends. Confessing things through a screen and just using text is so much easier than doing it face-to-face when you know you'll have to talk to said person every day.

Yeah, that's it. Bye.