whom is she?

Hello. Don't be fooled by the silly post title. This post isn't all safe and happy. Some content I'm gonna be typing about here might be disturbing.

By disturbing, I mean I'm going to let some things go. Continue reading if you want. Big reveal at the end of the post.

Hehe yeah.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'll be showing some photos at the end of this post. Blogger on my phone won't let me insert photos before the end of the post.

Okay, well here goes nothing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was referring to my tuxedo cat, Thelma, at the end of the previous post. I took a photo of her that day, and I'm going to show you guys it in this post.

I like how the plants look in the background. Kind of an aesthetic feel.

Sorry, but this is the least disturbing topic. Warning for negativity and ---------.

-X-

This week. Oh gosh. Anxiety. So much anxiety. All time high. Record for the number of days.

Won't end for several days. It can't fully go away. At best, it'll only subside a little.

-X-

So here's a random fact: Ever since freshman year (9th grade, 2015), I felt very bad in June. Same for last year. And same again for this year.

I get more bad in June.

Must be because of final exams.

-X-

I can't help feeling inadequate and like a failure.

I feel bitter about the majority of people in my grade.

I feel like most people are better than me.

It's come to the point that I feel like crap when I'm in a car and seeing other cars on the road.

It has come to the point where I have my negative and destructive mindset more reinforced than ever.

By that, I mean this: I won't have a good and successful future, and I'm going to die at some point in the next five years.

(Sorry, it gets worse later on.)

-X-

I have people in my grade who get 1200s on their SATs without even trying.

I tried so hard, and the best score I have is something in the 1100s.

There's this rumor about this kid who got a perfect score without even studying. And on top of that, he got a perfect score on the first time he took it.

-X-

I'm frustrated at my classmates and driving.

I want to give up so badly. Obviously, I can't do that.

I failed my driver's test again.

Maybe I wasn't meant to be like others.

Maybe I wasn't meant to stay here this long.

-X-

Even reading books is making me feel like crap. The character in the book passed. The character in the book has good grades.

-X-

It feels like I have so many dark circles under my eyes.

Haha yes. That dead inside look.

It kinda hurts. I'm so bad, omg.

-X-

I'm so tired. Sick of being tired. Tired of feeling sick when I wake up.

I'm tired of life.

-X-

Very bad negative thoughts. Intrusive thoughts aren't good.

Thoughts that might possibly be suicide related lowkey.

What in suicide ideation.

Um.. heck.

-X-

One is.....

Me: *opens up Blogger to type post*
Post: Drink? Don't drink?
Viewers: What?
Picture: *waterbottle*
Viewers: Drink. Water is good for you. :-)
Me: Okay, thanks for your input. :-)
Picture: *is actually rubbing alcohol in a waterbottle*

Damn it, Cutepups. Stop being so toxic. Don't push the bad agenda to the viewers.

Lmao.

-X-

Maybe I can't pass my driver's test because I'm protecting myself.

?????

I had bad dreams so many times about me driving alone.

It would be from me getting lost to me intentionally driving into a big tree to kill me.

I'm terrified to drive alone. But I feel like crap for not having my license.

-X-

I love ATLA and LOK. So much. <3

-X-

I haven't been this stressed and terrified for finals before.

-X-

Breaking point grows closer each day.

Break down.

-X-

I was almost forced to fill out job applications. Today and yesterday, I had to fill out job applications.

So for the one I applied for today ended with me being told that I would get a call to do a phone interview in a few days.

Screw everything, honestly. I am so freaking screwed.

I don't know what number it is for the interview. (They'll be calling my phone.)

I don't like answering the phone. If I have to answer phone calls from people I don't have a contact with, I feel awkward and scared.

I told them (my family) that I was reluctant to apply for jobs for so long because the idea of being interviewed is terrifying.

And what do they do? They push it off as nothing.

"Interviews aren't that bad. You shouldn't get so stressed about it."

How about you shut the hell up?

I have anxiety. Anxiety in certain social situations.

I'm even more anxious these days because of finals, and now I have to be anxious about job applications and this interview I might get.

Not like I've been having endless high anxiety every day of this damn week. That I know will continue on into the next week.

-X-

I want to cry. But I can't.

-X-

Sometimes when I look at my reflection, I'm surprised that I look like that.

Like wow. That's my body. That's how people perceive me.

It scares me how disconnected I get.

-X-

When it comes down to it, life is boring and a sad reality.

And to make you believe in the lie called "joy in life", then have to fall for accepting your fate in the sad reality.

I feel like happy adults are all liars. You're not really happy, are you?

-X-

It scares me how much I don't remember happy and good memories from my childhood.

But I remember all the bad memories in vivid detail.

It sucks.

-X-

I feel like I'm copying you too much. We are too alike.

I'm repulsed at myself.

My lack of any real personality? Am I filling my void with parts of you? Did I steal you to become me?

Am I thinking too much?

Should I kill these thoughts?

Should I end it?

-X-

You hate me, don't you?

It's okay. I hate me too.

-X-

When the hell will everything be okay?

When the hell will life be worth living every day?

When will life not feel like hell on earth?

-X-

So many things are going wrong.

Falling, falling down.

Falling, falling apart.

-X-

This voice doesn't belong to me.

This body isn't mine.

Crack me open.

I'm just a ghost trapped in this human body.

I'm not human like you are. I'm a ghost.

The physical form you see isn't me.

The person who I see reflected back at me isn't me.

I'm a stranger to you and to myself.

-X-

I don't know how long I'll stay, so I'm going to reveal it now.

The uncensored part of my birthday cake.

Gonna show a picture that has my name.

It depends on whether you can read it or not.

I don't care anymore.

You should know who I really am before I go.

You deserve at least that.

-X-

The end might be coming up very soon.

Know who I am before the end comes.

Before my end.

-X-

I feel like the end is coming.

-X-

Goodbye.

♡♡♡

-X- -X- -X-

(I haven't been feeling that good lately. Not doing so well in life.)

And now for the photos:

just let me say

Wow, shower thoughts. What a thrill. Shocking experience. Gotta love getting thoughts.

Mmmmmmmmm. :'}}

It's 11 pm. Guess it's time for Cutepups to post.

Fun, fun, fun.

///////////////////

Okay, let me make this clear. I am such a fool. Not the good and funny kind. By fool, I mean I mess up all the time and I can't let go of experiences because of my low self-esteem. Me and my foolish mistakes.

tw: this post has negativity and is another bad post op

Oh and it's been declared official yet again. I failed. I'm a failure.

Got that F. F for Fail. F for I-want-to-Freaking-Die.

Oh yes. Totally got that.

The only thing in life right now that I'm happy about is the story I'm supposedly working on. Haha, still embarrassed about it though.

Everything else, not so much. Life isn't good at all right now. There's more bad than good. Losing it more and more each day.

So much anxiety in these past two days. But will that ever end? Hell no.

Casual anxiety attacks. So much more often now.

So many stressful things. Feeling like it's the end of the world.

Finals are coming up. Ha, ha, ahhhh.

I'm so tired of everything, honestly. I just can't even bother to genuinely care about my life anymore.

Know what's weird? This blog is kinda like an online diary. I post a lot. People can see how much I've grown on this blog with all its growth. People can see how my toxicity evolves.

Fun, fun, fun. Ha, ha, ha.

I haven't listened to twenty one pilots in a long time. Wow. It was either last year or the year before when I would listen to them all the time during the school year and summer.

Be concerned if I suddenly start replaying certain songs of theirs over again.

"Be Concerned"- haha, you're so funny, Cutepups.

Because I would listen to these certain songs when I was not good at all. Very bad times. Bad mental state. Bad times. Don't want to go back there again, but nobody can stop the inevitable.

Anyway, I wanna die.

Don't worry. I'm being ironic. Relatable sad memes, am I right.

Saying that ironically. For the most part. Not all.

Kinda surprised if I don't try the die in the next 5 to 10 years.

Ayy. Anyone else ruining their own life due to poor decisions because they can't seem to give a damn about much of anything anymore? Nah, right. If yeah, then probably not as much as me.

......... *blanks out* .........

*remembers that people my age and younger have done things like drugs and worse crimes*

Oh. Right.

I'm not The Worst, but I'm still Bad At Life.

:^) ;;

*blanks out again; comes out talking in memes*

The "what in --ation" list that plays on repeat in my head:

- what in tarnation
- what in carnation
- what in fire nation
- what in falcon nation
- what in suicide ideation
- what in constellation
- what in deforestation
- what in invalidation
- what in orientation

3, 4, 5. Replays. All the time. Ha, ha.

I feel gross all the time, too. I'm disgusted. Me @ me.

Me after publishing my posts:

???: knock knock
Me: who's there?
???: *kicks down door*
Me: It's The Anxiety!
???: You fool! *punches me in the head and stomach, repeatedly*

Uh yeah. That's me.

Me: *tries to burn this post*
Me: *publishes it instead*
Me: Welcome to hell!

My brain: Fierdan!
Me: Oh crap!
Fierdan: Welcome to Cincernum*!

Story jokes. Why do I even try? I hate myself.

Anyone want to see my cat whom I love?

Not now? No one's here?

Alright then.

Bye.

ummmm

Hi. That last post was pretty weird. I tried to be funny.

I'm still in pain, though. Probably more pain. It hurts. More places this time. Ouch.

Today wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be. Not as stressful. Still got pretty darn anxious though.

Haha yeah oops. Still anxious. So nervous and scared. Heck.

Last post can be like this week's skits. I used to type those on Mondays, but I can't and won't today.

It hurts. I'm so scared.

It's tomorrow. All or nothing this time. It's tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Oh boy, what's that? It's the Anxiety.

Please help, even though you're unfortunately helpless in this situation. Thanks though. :")

There's a chance I'll ironically die tomorrow or very soon.

Gahh. Life and things in life.

I feel bad and tired. Very bad and tired.

Yeah, I'm gonna go try to fall asleep. Bye, bye.

♡♡♡

hell-o story trash

Ah yes. Hello there. Don't be fooled. I am in pain, and I am very stressed. But hey. Here's a post. Enjoy it.

I woke up at a pretty normal morning time. Then I went back to sleep. Ah, the bad dream had to come in the mid-morning. Wow ok thanks, brain.

Please help me.

Content may be inappropriate. I am a bad sad fool.

Oh and please help. Thanks. :) <3

~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok so. I re-read Chapters 39 and 40. And omg. I just realized something. Something stupid.

In Chapter 39, Duke was like freaking out because these kids accidentally threw a beachball in Duke's direction and the sand from the beachball got on his black jacket. And then Duke's like, "asfghjhjhhfffgg I'm gonna kill you because you made my jacket dirty!!!1 >:0".

And then in Chapter 40, Duke just throws the same jacket onto the ground. Like, dude, what are you doing? He freaked out because his jacket got sand on it, and then he throws it on the ground which makes it even less clean. Pfft, this drama queen. I mean Duke. Drama Duke.

-X-

In Chapter 41, Twinkle asked Duke what he remembered from the day before. Duke was still in "random dumb words phase" like I was back in 2014 and 2015. Ok so then he tells her something and then something like, "we made out" and then Twinkle was like, "omg you sinner, no we did not", and then Duke was like, "yes we did", and then Twinkle was like, "no we didn't."

But like. In Chapter 40 and between Chapters 40 and 41, they did. They kissed a lot. They made out.

Lmao those chapters. Funny. Haha, kill me.

Like, um, Twinkle. Stop being so inappropriate omg. You're the sinner.

Lmao she thought making out meant.. uh.. sexual stuff. Damn it, Twinkle. No. Do not. No.

Uh... sup. Welcome to my brain in story hell. :^)

-X-

Now have some skits. ;)

-X-

2015 Duke: Omg I peed on a cactus. That is such an unusual place to pee. Who pees on cacti? What kind of idiot does that? Oh, that's right. I did. I'm an idiot. There could be those cactus prickles or needles in my dick. I am suffering.
2017/? Duke: Hold my beer. Peeing on a cactus is nothing compared to what I'm gonna do.

-X-

It's funny cuz like. In that chapter when Finny has that flashback of him and Duke, Finny was such a jerk.

Duke didn't even say something like, idk, asking Finny out. Boyfriends. Wow.

But Finny was like, "Ah hell no, I'm straight, you're weird, find a girlfriend you weirdo."

Yeah, uh, that's basically what happened.

But what do you know? I'm shipping DukeXFinny stronger than ever. Which is. Gay.

Am I crying? Who knows. Such a mystery.

The angst in a future chapter. Ahh. Finny and Duke. Those boys. Aww.

-X-

About ships, here's my evolution of my favorite ones in this cursed story.

First to last. Past to present. Oh wow.

1. DukeXTwinkle
2. DawnXFierdan
3. DawnXDuke

But that was the past. Now these are my favorite ships.

1. DukeXFinny
2. DawnXTwinkle
3. The bond between Dawn and Fierdan/Danny is so messed up and complex but so sweet. Dawn and Pre-Fierdan are goals. Dawn and younger Fierdan are goals. I love my flower children so much, I'm sorry. But no. Their bond surpasses the small confines of a romantic relationship.

-X-

In Chapter 74, Fauna was asking Fierdan why talking about parallel worlds or the multiple universe theories was how he made small talk.

And then Fierdan got so confused. He didn't understand what Fauna meant by small talk.

If that's not pure, then I don't know what is. (Actually, it's not that pure. Shut up, Cutepups.) The beginning steps to Fierdan becoming that awkwardly nice character who deserves to be loved in a comforting way. Ah, my problematic character son.

And then Fauna was like, "that's interesting" when Fierdan told her about Night Crow. Then Fierdan was like, "interesting, huh?". Yeah lol time to explain in case you didn't get it.

Fauna thought that was interesting because Fierdan created a living thing. But he's known for destroying living things. He created two living things from his magic abilities (Night Crow and Duke- fusion of Fierdan and Soulless-), but he supposedly killed a lot of people using his black flames from his Elemental Power. So yeah. Irony. Interesting.

-X-

Twinkle: Be right back.
Jinx: Okay.
Twinkle: *flies into the air and sends the blade of her sword through a few phantoms, and gets covered in phantom gore*
Jinx: *watches Twinkle*
Jinx: Oh crap. Better not mess with this girl.

-X-

Duke: *points accusing finger at Twinkle* You don't know what I've been through. You know nothing about the hell I was in. You didn't see him die. You didn't hurt people like I did. So how about you shut up since you don't know anything about pain.
Fierdan: *slaps Duke across the face* Shut up.

-X-

Duke: Why didn't you do anything? Why did you let them do that to me? Why did you do nothing? Did you enjoy watching me suffer? Did you enjoy watching them torture me? Did you enjoy watching my sanity disappear to be replaced by endless brutality?
Fierdan: It was for the best.
Duke: The best what? The best way for you to get rid of Soulless? Torturing me didn't do anything. You just wanted to see me suffer.
Fierdan: You are my creation, and you will listen to me.
Duke: No! I am not your freaking pet! I'm a person, and you don't own me. Screw you.
Fierdan: Duke is a pet name, and you are a pet. I'm the owner, and you are my pet. I am the only person who could create you and destroy you at my will.

-X-

Duke and Fierdan are also opposites.

Duke in the beginning of the story: just a school kid with a bad past but is only known as a mysterious-ish but good-looking student. has brown hair, white shirt. normal kid vibes. used to sing with his friend. 
Duke towards the end but not quite the end: what is this kid, a demon? black clothes or the blood red suit. eyes can turn completely black and white, one eye becomes completely black permanently. broken body parts. covered in scars or are they scratches. shaved head, weird markings on head. killed a man, hurt another one. saw a friend die. was tortured, some ways being rather unusual. tasted lots of blood.

Fierdan first introduced: this evil killer who is the son of zios. famous black cloak. brown eyes, purple eyes, red eyes. sinister smile. made duke hallucinate and made him remember a childhood traumatizing event. the abuser?
Fierdan later on, starting in chapters out now: isn't that mysterious and evil. still killed people, smh. he regrets. the abused. kind of. uhh. used to be nice boy but got the pain TM and became famous cruel fierdan. trying to become nice boy again. no social interaction for years, socially awkward dork. problematic fave.

-X-

Monday and Tuesday might possibly kill me.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ahhhhh.

-X-

Royalty AU:

Duke: duke
Fierdan/Danny: king
Dawn: queen
Twinkle: goddess

Great AU, huh.

Dawn is a queen. Can't believe I used to hate her. I love her so much now.

Twinkle is somehow beyond queen. Because she's Twinkle. I love her.

I love my green and blue girls. And now I ship them.

-X-

Ryen is Danny's brother. He has shadow powers. Dark and mysterious.

I finally made him dark and mysterious. He was involved in the project, created Soulless, saw Danny as weak.

Like at first, you think he's a pure nice boy. But then you find out that he's actually mean and kinda made his brother become so messed up.

Those dark gray eyes. Mysterious.

Submerge. What a scene.

-X-

I'm thinking of a future chapter. What was said in the cursed Chapter 50 will finally make sense and have context.

Oh damn son. Duke.

Won't explain anything now though.

-X-

Bye.

my cryptid cake

Hey lol.

Here's a picture of my birthday cake.

"Cutepups".. looks legit.

Those candles though. Turned two of them into a 7.

It was a chocolate swirl cheesecake.

Yeah idk. Here's a post. I guess.

~ Cutepups

four hour sleep

I don't know what to title my posts anymore. That's how many hours I slept at night in the early morning hours of today.

These recent posts though. Heh. Life pretty much sucks irl nowadays. Not up to existing these days.

Well anyway, we reached another weekend. Enjoy it before the next week starts.

Ok so. It's coming closer to summer, which means I'm getting bad again.

Ha, ha. Yeah.

Yesterday and today, I purposefully looked at things that disturb me and make me feel uncomfortable. Bad things. Bad habits. Not good, guys, it's not good. Don't do that.

He casually brought up that place that now has bad memories with me. Oh haha, that was all nothing. It's because of him.

He's the only one here I can stand right now. The others? Nope.

Everything seems boring and not that interesting. Life is sad and boring. Nothing is much fun. Summer can't be fun. Not anymore.

I'm disgusted with myself. How I am as a person (personality(?) and physical aspects).

I feel like I have no good successful future.

Not looking forward to things. Dreading a lot of upcoming stuff.

Typing posts like these make me think I'm being too dramatic. But it's how I feel irl. That's the real me, right?

I feel separated from myself when I interact with people irl sometimes. Identity disturbances.. huh.

Of course I'm not sure and I doubt it, but I feel like I might possibly see a therapist or psychiatrist soon in the vague future.

Overheard them talking about me. Meh. (sigh) 

I still hear their insults though. I sure got issues.

Ugh. :/

I really don't know when I'll be able to write more chapters. I just haven't had the time and/or motivation to write.

I feel like my life is going to fall apart real soon. Trapped and can't escape. Oh heck.

But on a positive note, I started reading this book that I wanted to read for a long time.

I already know about the topics in the book. Ok lol. Ah geez.

"The Perks of Being a Wallflower".. you might have heard of it. Maybe.

School things are gonna keep me busy this weekend.

Monday and Tuesday aren't going to be good days. I already know they won't be. No use in being fake and hopeful. That brings me nowhere.

Hmm, might check up on AJ. Maybe.

Everything keeps on going downhill. Nothing is that good irl. Sorry for all the negativity and vague talk about death. Dumb brain. Stupid me.

Thank you for stopping by again. I appreciate you being here. Your presence is kind. ♡ 

June Doom

Well, I guess that kinda rhymes. It's June now. Time is passing by.

Sorry lol but this is gonna be another negatively charged post.

Yeah, I did my pictures today. Hope I look decent. Hope I don't look that ugly.

Uh...

Anyone feel gross and uncomfortable in their body at least sometimes? Anyone hate having a body and body parts? Anyone else want to tear their body apart and die?

Wait, what the heck...

:-) :"-) :"-} :"-D

Hormones. Female hormones. Periods. Gross. 0/10 do not recommend. Fluctuating between being fine with being female to being annoyed and disgusted about it. Do not recommend. Bad feel. Whom is gender? 0/10 do not recommend. Do not. !!!

Life is great. Okay, it's great. Everything is perfect.

Pfft no. Not even close.

Gotta do this presentation in a class. After each group went, our teacher deeply criticized everything each group member did wrong. In every group. Even the very good ones.

Criticisms. About everyone. In front of the whole class. Even the slightest imperfect thing. Called out. In front of the class.

Wow guys, that sounds great. Sure makes me feel great when I think about when my group goes next class. (sarcasm)

Haha me. What a fool I am. An anxious fool who gets nervous when public speaking. Fears rejection and failure. Not good with criticism. Feels terrible after getting criticized, especially in front of lots of people.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ahhhhhhh. :"-))

Lately, I've been thinking about drawing and writing some brutally violent story-related things. Disturbing content. Possibly inappropriate.

The one I posted yesterday was one of them. That one is not too inappropriate.

I'm thinking of drawing way more violent things. I'm full of rage and hatred lol.

Oh and yeah. I guess I should say some stuff about that picture from last post.

The body on the left of the paper is supposed to be Duke (human Duke, I should add) after a certain point in the torture chapters. Parts of his hand (or paw, since that's what I call hands in the story) are broken. At least kinda. It's complicated lol. The dark twisting things on the arm and middle finger are trails of blood. Any other thing are scratches or anything like that.

I'm not sure if Duke will actually say that quote. Fierdan/Post-Fierdan might though. I've just been thinking about that sentence and Duke throughout the story.

Like ok. Duke might have been seen as a good guy ("hero") in the beginning-ish part of the story. But that's a sad mistake. Because he's not a good guy or "hero", but he's not the story's villain either.

And I've been thinking about drawing Duke looking at his bloody hand (paw) with slight horror. He does that a lot throughout the story. Bloody hands means something evil lol.

I also think of Danny (post-Fierdan) relating to the sentence (ok, the quote or whatever). In the human world, he's one of the main protagonists. Seen as a good guy. At least kind of. It's complicated lol. But of course Danny thinks they're all sadly mistaken if they think he's a good person. No matter how much he changed, he can't escape the traumas of his past that were inflicted on him by someone else or himself. Danny thinks he's unintentionally manipulating the other characters into thinking he's nice when he thinks he isn't nice at all. But at that point, he is nice. He just won't fully believe them.

Stories are complicated lol.

Umm...

Applied for some jobs today.

Oh heck. Ahh.

I'll be surprised if I don't break down soon. With everything going on.

Oh and one more thing. I'm hearing things from my classmates about their parents. Some of them are so strict. For example, their parents monitor their kids' phones and internet access.

Oh geez. I'm so glad my parents aren't like that. I'll be long gone then lol.

And this one classmate has a mother who might as well be borderline abusive. Like, it's bad.

And I'm here wanting to die? Shut the hell up, Cutepups. Your life is fine.

People are getting killed in tragedies every day. I could have a good future. And yet I simply don't like life.

Damn it. You disgust me, Cutepups. Just go.

Shun me. Cutepups. 0/10. Bad.

...............

I'm sick and tired of so many things. I'm terrified of so many things.

When will everything be okay and not bad? How can it when people are killing people and destroying the world?

What does "okay" even mean in today's world? I don't think anything is even "okay" anymore.

I'm so freaking tired of life being this crappy way. Can't even do anything about it. This is just how things are.

And it sucks. Okay, it just sucks.