whom is she?

Hello. Don't be fooled by the silly post title. This post isn't all safe and happy. Some content I'm gonna be typing about here might be disturbing.

By disturbing, I mean I'm going to let some things go. Continue reading if you want. Big reveal at the end of the post.

Hehe yeah.

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I'll be showing some photos at the end of this post. Blogger on my phone won't let me insert photos before the end of the post.

Okay, well here goes nothing.

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I was referring to my tuxedo cat, Thelma, at the end of the previous post. I took a photo of her that day, and I'm going to show you guys it in this post.

I like how the plants look in the background. Kind of an aesthetic feel.

Sorry, but this is the least disturbing topic. Warning for negativity and ---------.

-X-

This week. Oh gosh. Anxiety. So much anxiety. All time high. Record for the number of days.

Won't end for several days. It can't fully go away. At best, it'll only subside a little.

-X-

So here's a random fact: Ever since freshman year (9th grade, 2015), I felt very bad in June. Same for last year. And same again for this year.

I get more bad in June.

Must be because of final exams.

-X-

I can't help feeling inadequate and like a failure.

I feel bitter about the majority of people in my grade.

I feel like most people are better than me.

It's come to the point that I feel like crap when I'm in a car and seeing other cars on the road.

It has come to the point where I have my negative and destructive mindset more reinforced than ever.

By that, I mean this: I won't have a good and successful future, and I'm going to die at some point in the next five years.

(Sorry, it gets worse later on.)

-X-

I have people in my grade who get 1200s on their SATs without even trying.

I tried so hard, and the best score I have is something in the 1100s.

There's this rumor about this kid who got a perfect score without even studying. And on top of that, he got a perfect score on the first time he took it.

-X-

I'm frustrated at my classmates and driving.

I want to give up so badly. Obviously, I can't do that.

I failed my driver's test again.

Maybe I wasn't meant to be like others.

Maybe I wasn't meant to stay here this long.

-X-

Even reading books is making me feel like crap. The character in the book passed. The character in the book has good grades.

-X-

It feels like I have so many dark circles under my eyes.

Haha yes. That dead inside look.

It kinda hurts. I'm so bad, omg.

-X-

I'm so tired. Sick of being tired. Tired of feeling sick when I wake up.

I'm tired of life.

-X-

Very bad negative thoughts. Intrusive thoughts aren't good.

Thoughts that might possibly be suicide related lowkey.

What in suicide ideation.

Um.. heck.

-X-

One is.....

Me: *opens up Blogger to type post*
Post: Drink? Don't drink?
Viewers: What?
Picture: *waterbottle*
Viewers: Drink. Water is good for you. :-)
Me: Okay, thanks for your input. :-)
Picture: *is actually rubbing alcohol in a waterbottle*

Damn it, Cutepups. Stop being so toxic. Don't push the bad agenda to the viewers.

Lmao.

-X-

Maybe I can't pass my driver's test because I'm protecting myself.

?????

I had bad dreams so many times about me driving alone.

It would be from me getting lost to me intentionally driving into a big tree to kill me.

I'm terrified to drive alone. But I feel like crap for not having my license.

-X-

I love ATLA and LOK. So much. <3

-X-

I haven't been this stressed and terrified for finals before.

-X-

Breaking point grows closer each day.

Break down.

-X-

I was almost forced to fill out job applications. Today and yesterday, I had to fill out job applications.

So for the one I applied for today ended with me being told that I would get a call to do a phone interview in a few days.

Screw everything, honestly. I am so freaking screwed.

I don't know what number it is for the interview. (They'll be calling my phone.)

I don't like answering the phone. If I have to answer phone calls from people I don't have a contact with, I feel awkward and scared.

I told them (my family) that I was reluctant to apply for jobs for so long because the idea of being interviewed is terrifying.

And what do they do? They push it off as nothing.

"Interviews aren't that bad. You shouldn't get so stressed about it."

How about you shut the hell up?

I have anxiety. Anxiety in certain social situations.

I'm even more anxious these days because of finals, and now I have to be anxious about job applications and this interview I might get.

Not like I've been having endless high anxiety every day of this damn week. That I know will continue on into the next week.

-X-

I want to cry. But I can't.

-X-

Sometimes when I look at my reflection, I'm surprised that I look like that.

Like wow. That's my body. That's how people perceive me.

It scares me how disconnected I get.

-X-

When it comes down to it, life is boring and a sad reality.

And to make you believe in the lie called "joy in life", then have to fall for accepting your fate in the sad reality.

I feel like happy adults are all liars. You're not really happy, are you?

-X-

It scares me how much I don't remember happy and good memories from my childhood.

But I remember all the bad memories in vivid detail.

It sucks.

-X-

I feel like I'm copying you too much. We are too alike.

I'm repulsed at myself.

My lack of any real personality? Am I filling my void with parts of you? Did I steal you to become me?

Am I thinking too much?

Should I kill these thoughts?

Should I end it?

-X-

You hate me, don't you?

It's okay. I hate me too.

-X-

When the hell will everything be okay?

When the hell will life be worth living every day?

When will life not feel like hell on earth?

-X-

So many things are going wrong.

Falling, falling down.

Falling, falling apart.

-X-

This voice doesn't belong to me.

This body isn't mine.

Crack me open.

I'm just a ghost trapped in this human body.

I'm not human like you are. I'm a ghost.

The physical form you see isn't me.

The person who I see reflected back at me isn't me.

I'm a stranger to you and to myself.

-X-

I don't know how long I'll stay, so I'm going to reveal it now.

The uncensored part of my birthday cake.

Gonna show a picture that has my name.

It depends on whether you can read it or not.

I don't care anymore.

You should know who I really am before I go.

You deserve at least that.

-X-

The end might be coming up very soon.

Know who I am before the end comes.

Before my end.

-X-

I feel like the end is coming.

-X-

Goodbye.

♡♡♡

-X- -X- -X-

(I haven't been feeling that good lately. Not doing so well in life.)

And now for the photos: