information and stuff lol

Hey. Have a post. :) <3

Me: I feel like I haven't been posting as much lately.
Viewers: No, not really. You just skip a day of posting sometimes.
Me: Sorry for not posting as much.
Viewers: Your blog is one of the most active ones I visit...
Me: Well, explanation time!
Viewers: ..........

Ok so. I'm going away. I won't be home later today and tomorrow. Wifi is pretty questionable on whether it works or not. That happens a lot when I travel. Yeah, I don't know. And that means I probably won't be able to post.

About posts, I've been trying. I feel like me posting about my personal life without pictures is boring, so I started to post about my story (or whatever the hell it is) and my crappy drawings instead.

That stuff is more interesting, I'm pretty sure. It might get boring to read the same story related things over and over, but it's better than posting about my hell feelings all the time.

You're welcome for that. :-)

Gonna talk about that stuff anyways lmao.

(lmao = laughing my anxiety off)

Ha, ha. Heck.

I've also been posting some more personal things (irl name reveal picture and irl pictures of myself) because... umm...

Because I want you guys to know who I am before I go leave for good.

I feel kinda weird and guilty if some people only know me as "Cutepups" or "Blue" or whatever name you call me nowadays. It makes me feel like the time I've been spending with you guys is fake if 10, 20, 30, etc. years from now when you talk about me, you'll only refer to me as "that girl who called herself Cutepups." Since that's all just a nickname. And if you don't know my real name or my face, do you really know me? It's a bad thought, I know, but I can't get rid of it.

Bad thoughts grow, unfortunately.

For quite some weeks, I've felt terrible about myself. Wow, what else is new?

Life isn't that good and appealing nowadays. It hasn't for a while. And ever since my birthday, it just got worse.

Now I'm anxious and stressed about something all the time. I won't be able to get rid of these feelings. Can't do that, oops. Not now.

I feel: inadequate. not good enough. like a failure. flawed human. too sensitive for life. unable to do anything right. All the time.

And now I get nervous and ponder these bad thoughts whenever I get a phone call from a number I don't recognize, and whenever I'm in a car.

I'm so scared of failure, but I feel like I'm only destined to fail.

And my hell brain is like, "If you end up failing those things, your life is over. It's ruined."

Ha, ha. Overthinking is fun. Ain't it fun? So fun. :'-)

Now since the pressures that come with growing up are weighing down on me, I feel so trapped and full of despair. And on top of that, I question my identity and invalidate myself all the time.

Pressures of being a senior in high school in the fall, the road test/getting a driver's license, getting a job, college applications, building a resume, volunteering.....

It's so much. So many things have to be done in so little time. I'm scared of all of them.

And it sure makes the thoughts about Death and Dying grow more realistic in the back of my head. Especially since I failed and can't handle life things that well.

Life.. man, it's too much. Not good, not good. Life is boring and a lot of work. That's all it is.

It sucks. Becoming a realist and figuring out what life is. It sucks.

And now the word, Death, is figuratively engraved in the back of my head as the final option when life seems too much to handle for me to stay till I grow old.

And things irl keep on reinforcing that.

So when I see people I consider my friends message me things like "kms" or "i don't want to exist anymore", I don't know how to reply. I'm sorry. I'm not that empathetic and good with words.

It's hard to tell them anything but "hhh no" since I think stuff like that all the time too. So I don't know how to help.

I'm not up to existing either. I hate the thought of being a human who's alive. I think about "kms" as an effed up option.

Like.. neither do I. What is worth it in life? What's there to stay alive for? Family members are dying or gonna die soon enough. Same goes for pets. Everyone we stay alive for is going to die at some point. After that, what's left? Staying for what? What's the point?

Sunshine (my dog) is 12. Many dogs die when they're 13. She's almost 13.

There's also this big thing regarding family members.

And like. I don't want to lose them. But we all get closer to death each day.

And it sucks. Ok it sucks.

I hate thinking. I hate not thinking. I hate being someone. I hate being no one.

I'm not even sure if I like being female anymore. Being considered female. She, her, girl, woman, lady.

Gotta love feeling disconnected from everybody, including myself. Ha, ha, ha.

But at the same time, I don't feel like anything else. I just.. gender lol what.

Having boobs- never liked that. Daily shaving- never liked that. Bras- never liked that. Makeup- never liked that. Having long hair- never liked that. Romance involving myself- never liked that. All are inconveniences of mine.

Smh Cutepups, what kind of girl are you then? You're not a tomboy. You did/do girly things. You like some girly things like pink and wearing dresses and having stuffed animals. But you hate having boobs/not a flat chest? You hate makeup most of the time? What even are you, Cutepups? What girl hates boobs? Smh, smh. Flat chest? Lol wtf you like girly things. Wtf is with you, foolish Cutepups? 

Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.

I'm a fool. A foolish cryptid. That's me. Questioning everything and screaming internally all the time. That's me lmao.

Whew, Cutepups, you okay? Lmao no.

Ugh, gotta go. Heck me.

I love you all, friends. Bye, bye now.

♡♡☆☆