life updates ahh

[Proper Posting]

Welcome back to my twisted mind and cursed blog. :^)

Viewers: I actually commented on your posts, but you still haven't replied to me. :/

Yeah.. totally not stalling on reading comments. Pfft.. of course not.

I published them without reading. Oops. Reasons.. no.. ok maybe.

I'll read and reply. Soon.

Oh, today's Monday! Twinkle's Story skit day.

.....................................

But enough with that, this post is gonna be the serious one.

Yes. Ok. Finally.

I went to Dairy Queen yesterday. Totally different from last time. Very different. Different. I drove and the mood was positive feelings. Not like last time. Yeah lol.

2014 and 2015 Me: makes bright and colorful "warning" messages before chapters
Those chapters: just mention blood, aren't even very violent
2016 and 2017 Me: makes shorter and not colorful "warning" messages before chapters
Those chapters: more graphic violent scenes, suicide mentions, homicide mentions, more blood, etc.
Me: I love my characters. <3 :-) *punches 2014-16 me* Omg stop it. Ableism and heteronormality. Grow up, scum. :/

Viewers: Stop it, Cutepups.
Me: Ok, ok fine.
Viewers: *shun me*
Me: *gets shunned*

................................................

I met with the person I'm gonna tutor on Saturday.

It went okay. Not as long or bad as I thought it would be.

Dang, that anxiety. Hey Anxiety, f*** you.

For the past week, I kept on thinking.. bad things.

One being if I passed or failed a class.

Bad thoughts leaning more on failure.

I was so terrified and stressed. Now not as much. Still am though.

In real life, people only talk about the following:

- current school (grades, standardized testing scores, exams)
- colleges and universities (majors, "what are you interested in?" idk at all, locations, sizes, standardized test scores, applications, resume)
- driving (driving to boring places, it's pointless, will i ever pass and get my license?, stress, fail fail)
- jobs (applications, resume, much anxiety, can't communicate and socialize well)

Basically. Yeah. Real life is boring. Ugh.

I'm losing it. Yeah, still am. Oops.

I know they're doing this because they care about me. They're good. I'm the bad person here. I know.

But I literally can not picture myself in the future (after high school). In my mind, I have no future. I won't say I'm actually suicidal, but I kinda hate existing. Passive suicide ideation is another story, ha ha. It's the same boring things every day. Summers aren't fun anymore. Not much is in general.

I just feel bad and guilty. Sometimes more than other times.

Everyone in my life wants me to think and plan out my future (I can do whatever I want- well, not crime and drugs and kill myself of course lmao). But I literally can't do that. I'm very indecisive. Extremely indecisive. It feels like nobody I know actually gets it. I don't know. Anything at all.

I can't picture myself in one year. Six months.

Of course I can't imagine myself in five or ten years from now.

It's hard for my brain to register that I'll be alive in any of those times in the future.

It's bad lmao.

And the rare times when my brain ponders me as a concept in five or more years, I think about myself as a pretty much totally different identity.

I know I said it a few times, but it's true. I'm disconnected from other people irl and from myself. I'm trapped in this toxic feeling of disconnection. I don't recommend the feeling.

By new identity, I mean me with a different name. (I get annoyed when people repeatedly say my real name.) By new identity, I mean me being not 100% female gender. (I hate certain body parts, trying not to and not as much as in the past but I still do. I hate when people say I'm exactly like a younger version of my mom. It makes me uncomfortable..?)

Yeah. I'm very, very, very, very, very indecisive about everything regarding myself. I question myself all the time. Haha, great suffering feels.

On a different note, I've been sleeping terribly for a while. I wake up several times in the middle of the night (I mean early morning like at 3, 4, 5 am).

That's called the anxiety and despair, Cutepups.

I'm also easily tired. I'm tired to some degree all the time. I'm never not tired.

Mentally and physically tired, that is.

My sleep cycle is bad. My preparation for sleep at night is bad. Don't be like me, kiddos. I'm a bad influence. I'm a sad meme (+ foolish cryptid).

Oh and my phone charger doesn't work all the time. Which, well, it sucks.

I'm also never satisfied with myself. At anything.

I hate my art. Oops lmao.

Thinking too much kills. I do not recommend it.

Just don't.

Ok bye.