some more details about them

Hi, I'm back with another post at 2 am. :') 

I just want to post some more details about Fierdan and "J" before I go to sleep. I'll make this quick. 

Fierdan: 

I only tried at least a little bit while drawing his head. (Oh, I'm referring to the art in the previous post). Halfway through, I gave up and rushed while drawing the rest of it. Before I really got to working on drawing his face, I had a very rough outline on how the rest of his body would look like. But I quickly gave up on that too. I sketched-erased-resketched his arms and legs several times. I added his right arm at the last second. I almost forgot to draw him with an arm (yikes lol). 

I've been looking at that bad art I drew of Fierdan. And I'm just like.. wow huh. 

Yep, that's Fierdan. He's in his 20s. He's older than Duke. 

But wow, he sure looks like Duke there. 

So that got me thinking. Hmm, oh yes, that's right. 

Fierdan and Duke are supposed to look pretty much identical. On the top of my head, these are the reasons for their differences (in story):

• Fierdan's hair is, and always has been, very dark brown/nearly black. Duke only gets the same color hair as Fierdan after the Night of the Black Flames. Fierdan being in Cincernum also gives him the illusion that his hair is darker than it really is. 

• Fierdan in Cincernum (aka his story 1 current look) has long hair. Duke's hair never grows out as long as Fierdan's. Drawing Fierdan with short, not even chin-length, hair makes him look a lot younger than what he looked like with long hair. Dang, short-haired Fierdan looks so much like Duke. Wow. 

• Duke always has a purple and black flame mark covering the left side of his chest, the center of the flame being where the center of his heart is. It's a cursed sign, showing that Duke isn't 100% human. It's a sign of Soulless. Fierdan, of course, does not have such a mark. 

• Duke has a tiny red mark to the right side of his nose. It's very small, but it is important. It's Fierdan (without Soulless like in the flame mark) imprinting the DUKE Fierdan-Soulless with his 'signature' onto Duke. Of course, there's no reason why Fierdan would have it on himself. 

• Fierdan is at least an inch taller than Duke. (This is primarily based on story 1 Fierdan in Cincernum.). Fierdan's skin looks 'paler' or 'duller' than Duke's because he doesn't exactly go out into the sunlight like Duke does. Fierdan's body is also a lot skinnier and 'broken' in its rawest form (aka without Soulless influence on Fierdan). When all of Duke's scars are visible, it's pretty painful to look at, but Fierdan's body honestly is disturbing. It's just.. geez, what the- ... damn. 

• And the last thing is the way they dress. Duke wears casual, everyday clothes. Shirts (long-sleeved or short-sleeved), pants or shorts, a jacket. Nothing out of the ordinary. But then there's Fierdan in Cincernum. And he only wears black. Black this, black that, black everything. The only colorful thing he really has is this multi-colored blanket he keeps away somewhere safe and takes out sometimes. Sure, Duke wears a lot of black too, so I'll go into what Fierdan wears. Well, in story 1. In Cincernum (and even before then), Fierdan wears black shirts and black pants. He also has a black blanket he holds onto, and he frequently wears a black cloak or cape over his clothes. So take all that out and have Fierdan wearing shirts and pants in other colors without any accompanying cloak or cape, and Fierdan would look more like Duke automatically. 

I have to admit. I've been ignoring story 1 Fierdan for so long. Because in all honestly, I hate that guy. He gets on my nerves. He's not a good guy at all. 

But from the very end of story 1 on, Fierdan is pretty much a totally different character. And I love that Fierdan so much. 

Oh and there's also that whole thing of Fierdan angst and pain, which just breaks my heart. This guy.. ouch. 

Ok but like. Fierdan's messy, tangled long hair. Fierdan usually having a blanket, cape, or cloak on. Fierdan's all-black, only-black aesthetic. Despite how 'ugly' he is in Cincernum and story 1, he looks freaking hot as damn fire gorgeous with that whole look. And there's also Night Crow (a pet crow, basically) flying around Cincernum, so just imagine Fierdan also with a black bird perched on one of his shoulders. 

Mm.. omg.... <3 

Oh and just saying. Story 1 Fierdan is the most violent and toughest Fierdan by far. He kills in story 1, and he most likely doesn't murder in story 2. So, you know, yeah. 

But I have to say. Story 2 Fierdan (aka Danny) isn't a total softie. I feel like I've been giving off that vibe in my posts. But that's wrong. He's more than just a panicked, traumatized mess in story 2 and onward. He can still be tough and intimidating if he wants to. And he definitely is. 

"J":

I'm not that set on what his tattoos look like. All I know is that he has tiny black and dark purple tattoos on his face, near his eyelids and close to the bottom of his eyes. I wrote that Jinx and Jax have them, so "J" would have them as well. Jinx and Jax = this "J" character. He probably has other, larger tattoos on his body. I just don't have any idea what those look like and are located on him. 

But I do have a vague idea for what types of piercings he has. I picture him with: 

• At least three sets of piercings on his ears. Two ear lobe, one cartilage. That means three piercings on each ear. 

• Eyebrow piercing.

• Septum piercing.

• Snake bites (? maybe).

• And maybe he has a pierced bellybutton and maybe even pierced nipples (? lol idk it's a possibility). 

I listed it in the order of how often he wears each type of piercing. I definitely see him with multiple ear piercings and with one of his eyebrows pierced. As for the rest, he doesn't put jewelry in them or whatever nearly as much as the first two. But for some reason, I picture him having those piercings. 

Despite that certain look, "J" is probably the sweetest adult in the Elemental Powers squad. He's so sweet and good and kind.. and hella good-looking. 

Fierdan/Danny(/Duke) have certain appearances. And none of them are what "J" chooses to look like. They have differences, alright. 

The "friends to lovers" trope between them happens well in story 2. It's not there at all in the beginning. There's something I'm using called character development. It doesn't happen all at once out of seemingly nowhere. It grows over time. 

"J" asks Danny out when he can pretty much tell that they both have feelings for each other. That they both love each other, possibly as lovers as well as friends. 

Oh and it's known by "J" and maybe the others as well that Fierdan/Danny can feel attraction to boys and girls when he tells them that. 

I can really only see Fierdan/Danny in long-lasting relationships with guys, but I do see him genuinely attracted and in love with girls as well. 

("boys, girls"- I mean age 18+ of course) 

Though Duke and Twinkle (Stella) had flaws in their relationship (*cough* it sprung up way too fast and out of nowhere really *cough*), Duke really did love and feel attracted to her. And since story 2 and onward Fierdan/Danny has Duke's soul and personality traits that story 1 Fierdan lacked, story 2 and onward Fierdan/Danny has memories of that time when he loved Twinkle (Stella). 

(yeah idk I'm still gonna call him my fire bi guy) 

... That Fierdan charm though. He's fiery disaster man. Hot damn. His eyes are beautiful, and I swear I can easily see the look in his eyes being seductive just like I can see them looking vicious. 

;p mm oh boi~~ 

This ended up not being a quick post. I got carried away again. Oops. 

I still have to write part 4 of the skit story. I'll get to that later. 

Ahh wow, it's late. I'm typing this sentence while my clock reads 4 am. 

Great. Nice going, me. *smh* 

Bye. <3

cursed art xxxx XD cursed dream

I'm bored, so I drew it. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~

~~~~

(language warning) 

Fierdan ;) (mm)

http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2019/01/haha-ahaha-why-am-i-like-this.html

Fierdan: do you mind? :/ 

(don't take any of this seriously. 'tis only a joke.) 

and in case you can't read my rushed handwriting:

unnecessary phrases? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

• "do you mind? :/" 

• *only colors his eyes because they are beautiful*

• #/fierdan-fucks 

• big,,shoulders,,, manly 

• arms + legs = wtf 

• oh no - his other arm! 

• fire man!!

• that adam's apple though 

• *blushes uwu* 

• (male presenting nipples) 

• fuck!! fucker!! *descents to heck* 

... I love how I wrote "descents" instead of "descends" like?? words?? what are those??? 

I started drawing this as something serious. Then I realized I don't know how to accurately draw human anatomy, so I began to laugh and cry. And here we are. 

-x-x-

A few nights ago, I had a terrible dream. But now I don't remember most of it. 

(so tragic) 

This is only what I still remember (which is nothing compared to how detailed that dream was): 

• I was with a school classroom sized group of people my age. But we were kids. I mean we were teens. Just.. younger. (@ cutepups, we don't understand you :/)

• We were on a field trip. But it wasn't school/college/academic related. And it wasn't like a camp either. 

• So my peers and I were at this tech-like museum-indoor amusement park. We split into groups, wandered around and had fun. 

• Then the mister teacher/professor/camp counselor/authoritative male figure told us all that we were required to do something. He told us the real reason for our field trip (but, like I said, this wasn't academic or camp related) was to do this one activity. 

• The activity was to enter this even more indoor space. It reminded me of a place to play laser tag for some reason. There were several entrances/exits. 

• [mind blanks] 

• And then we figure out that the laser tag vibes thing is a death trap. So if we go inside, we would most likely die. 

• But mister authoritative male figure really wanted us to go in there. He basically forced us to. 

• So while I was inside, I saw that it was not laser tag. There were land platforms with a stream (water) flowing between the land platforms. And then suddenly, these horrible fish with huge fangs come jumping out of the water. And they're like, "chomp, chomp, chomp! :V" which terrified us humans. 

• Then we all suddenly Knew TM that if a fish bit us, we would die. So we had to avoid the water at all costs because the water was full of these fish that really wanted to bite our feet and ankles. 

• Then a girl close by to where I was standing got bit by one of the crazy fish. It leaped out of the water and flopped across the land platform the girl was on. Oh and all of us were screaming and crying the entire time.

• And then I got a burst of adrenaline and ran the hell out of that place. No can do, sir. I can't take this. I don't want to die. Not like this. 

• But for some reason, the majority of my class or whatever survived. Only a few more people died. I was told this by my peers after they left the place. For some reason, I was standing right by it, just outside. 

• No, not outside-outside. We were still inside the museum-indoor amusement park. Then we celebrated by going on this ferris wheel. It wasn't colorful though, which left me feeling disappointed. It was only white. 

• I'm not that sure this happened, but I think the dream ended with mister authoritative male figure announcing on a loudspeaker a monotonous 'congrats' and 'you passed the first test'. Like- ??? wHAT. First test?? Who the fuck is this man?! 

• And then we got off the ferris wheel, and everything faded to black. The dream ended. The end. 

(o-o) 

-x-x-

It's Monday! More posts to come! 

You get a post, you get a post, you get a post! 

Wow. So many. 

I will return soon. 

(yeet!)

~ Cutepups 

well then. here's another violent dream.

Hi. It's after midnight, which means it's time for a new post! 

(I feel like I keep on making long posts after midnight. Remind me not to go to sleep after 3:30 again. Thanks.) 

Ok so, wanna know what's funny? I took a nap. And guess what? I ended up having another violent bloody dream. I don't know why! 

Ah.. 

Now I'll jot down what I remember from it, so you can all laugh at me.

Ayy lmao *fingerguns* 

• I was with my brother and sister. We were spending the week (or weekend?) at this.. place. We had packed bags. It wasn't a hotel or motel though. No, we went to a place that I can only describe as a giant treehouse. 

• The place had a jungle vibe. There were lots of plants. Lots of greenery. It looked nice. 

• On the ground of the treehouse hidden behind a large circle of huge dark leaves was this empty space of dirt. Then I looked up and saw this stage at the back of it. But it wasn't connected to a wall or anything. It was a platform. That word sounds better. So on this platform were these creatures that looked like dark gray cheetahs. But cub size. There also were these deer-like animals that suddenly appeared and were eating the tall green jungle grass in front of the platform. And I was like, "that's cute," when out of nowhere these two big cheetahs or leopards pop up out of the corners of the grass. The deer-like animals become frightened and they scatter. But the cheetahs/leopards stalk up to the dark gray cheetah cubs. They were hunting them. I couldn't take it anymore, so I ran away from there. 

• Then I settled with my belongings into my treehouse room. My siblings and I each got our own rooms. There were lots of rooms in this giant treehouse building thing. 

• There was this woman who I bumped into while running away from the possibly cannibalistic cheetahs. She had on this nice welcoming face as she helped me and my siblings settle in to our week(end)-long stay at giant treehouse. 

• ... I actually don't remember much. Also, my feet are very sweaty. Gross. Anyway, continuing on..

• So then I end up being the one who has suspicions about the treehouse owner woman. I think it's because I saw her possibly cannibalistic cheetahs. 

• Everyone else living in the treehouse thinks the woman is nice. But no. They are wrong. She is evil. 

• The next thing I remember happening is the woman chasing me around the treehouse. I'm panicking because she has swords, their blades pointed at me. Luckily, I make it up all those stairs to my treehouse room. 

• I must have passed out in my treehouse room because when I woke up, there was this cut across my left thumb, under my fingernail. It was bleeding. And then the woman walks in with this wicked smile on her evil face. And she just tells me, while taking out a whip, that she also made my legs bleed. Apparently, I did not believe her. She was right. On the fronts of my calves, there were long diagonal cuts. One on each leg. 

• Then I was running again. She must've told me that I had to die because I knew her secret. Panicking, I break into my sister's treehouse room. But she was gone. She left a note saying she went to the lake to go rowing. Except like.. she doesn't do that. My heart was racing, so I then broke into my brother's treehouse room. He was trying to hook his Xbox up with the treehouse TV. Now that was more realistic and something that he would do. He was sitting on the floor being all chill when I enter the room in a panicked frenzy, with evil woman close behind me. So I tell him that we have to go right now because the treehouse owner woman is evil and wants to hurt me (or us). Of course he looks doubtful, but as evil woman approaches with that sadistic look on her face, he agrees with me. And then we escape and run far away from cursed jungle giant treehouse. Oh and our sister was rowing a boat in a lake. We got further away, thanks to the rowing boat. 

ooh spooky scary, i'm so shook!! :0 

So. That was what I remembered from this dream I had yesterday while I took a nap. 

that pure terror though. spooky. 

I don't know where to begin with this. I have no idea what it could possibly mean.

@ dream: wtf-

heck. 

Comment your thoughts below. Laugh at me. Thanks! 

... it looks like i remember a lot due to how many details i put.

wtf. ugh. why. 

12 hours later + J

Nah, the title doesn't have a poetic meaning or anything like that. 

Hi. I have returned. Around 12 hours ago, I made my last (ridiculous) post. 

I could tolerate my family better as the day went on. (thank goodness) 

I don't remember that much from that terrifying dream I had, but I kinda want to write a post about it. 

Not now though. 

Geez, it messed me up. That dream.. big yikes. 

Ok so if I remember the gist of it when I wake up in the morning, I'll jot it down on here. Take pleasure in my suffering- thanks! 

Anyway, I decided to make this post because I want to give a brief description about this "J" character I've been talking (and thinking) about a lot recently. 

(Should I use bullet-points? Eh, I'm gonna use them.)

Bad descriptive bullet-points of "J" boy: 

• For some reason, I see him rarely (maybe never?) having "average" or "normal" hair styles. Well, at least when comparing his hair to other guys. 

• I imagine his most stable/long-lasting hair style is an undercut (the bottom half of the back of his head is shaved, the sides are trimmed, the hair on the top of his head grows out). Or he has one side of his head shaved while the hair on the other side grows out and is a little long. 

• And on top of that, I think of "J" constantly getting his hair dyed. He rarely keeps his head hair his natural hair color. His natural hair color is probably some shade of brown. I'm leaning more towards a darker shade, but I'm not entirely sure yet. His hair is usually dyed either light gray or silver, white, black, or purple. If his hair is dyed purple, only the ends of the hair would be that color. 

• His eye color is a light blue-gray. They probably look a little more gray than blue. 

• His skin is very pale. He can look ghost-like because of it. 

• He really likes tattoos and piercings. He might have some. But they don't really cause him to have an intimidating vibe. 

• He's gay. (so, so gay)

• He's either the same height as Fierdan or is an inch to two inches taller than him. 

• Similarly to how I think of Ardere and little kid Danny Pre-Fierdan being adorable and sweet kids that act happy and enjoy making the people they love happy, I think of "J" as being the adult version of that happiness. Compared to the rest of the main character squad (in story 2), he is the best at cheering people up.. at least more successfully than the others. 

• He's full of so much love. I can just imagine Fierdan (Danny) being like, "Why are you being so nice to me?" and "J" would just continue smiling because he truly enjoys spending time with him. And while Fierdan (Danny) is full of doubts, "J" is probably just thinking about how much he likes him. Don't ask me why or how. I'm not sure what made him fall for Fierdan because... well, you know everything about him from what I wrote in posts. 

• When "J" tells Fierdan (Danny) some of his feelings about him and pretty much asks Fierdan (Danny) out, Fierdan (Danny) definitely can't believe it either. That only makes him more skeptical of "J", haha. I can imagine Fierdan (Danny) being all like, "*thinks* There must be something wrong with this guy. He wants us to be boyfriends? *says out loud* B-Boy.. friend? *then his shock and confusion causes him to blush a lot?*" 

• (I'm writing it as "Fierdan (Danny)" because he goes by the name, Danny, for the majority of story 2.) 

• "J" is the one that pushes their relationship on from friends to lovers. Most of the time, Fierdan (Danny) is wondering why "J" is being so nice/friendly/happy to and around him. 

• At times, it looks like "J" loves Danny/Fierdan and that Danny/Fierdan doesn't love him back. There are reasons for that, but despite it all, Danny/Fierdan genuinely loves "J".

• The majority of story 2 is Fierdan going under the name, Danny. He "throws Fierdan away" and disconnects himself from it. That is until the end of story 2 when he "reclaims" Fierdan. Because of the name changes, he doesn't have a core self or stable sense of identity. He doesn't really know who he truly is. Despite all that, "J" stays with Danny/Fierdan and is generally supportive of his decisions. 

Oops, I'm going more into Danny/Fierdan at this point. 

Mentally and emotionally, story 2 Danny/Fierdan is a total wreck. I've been so focused on him being portrayed as someone who's obviously mentally ill and severely traumatized.. but none of that really relates to how he's like an "inhumane monster" because of his past actions. Fierdan (even in story 1) is on the top of the list of people who refuse to condone his actions. Though of course that escalates in story 2. 

Honestly, a large portion of story 2 is humanizing Danny/Fierdan. Oh and hey. He's a main character, one of the several protagonists. 

By the end of story 2 and definitely by story 3, Fierdan is the strongest he's ever been. Most confident. Most powerful. But unlike in the previous stories, he's strong/confident/powerful in a healthy (aka not toxic) way. 

I'm so proud of my fire man's progress. :') 

Back to "J" man. 

There comes a time (most likely in story 3) when "J" becomes less blindly supportive of Fierdan. He doesn't want to call his boyfriend, "Fierdan", especially when they're in private. Because no matter what, "Fierdan" sounds like "fear Dan" and that's what it pretty much originally 'translated' to. For so long, "J" has been all about how he "doesn't fear" Danny/Fierdan, so he becomes frustrated that Danny wants him to also use the Fierdan name. Sure, "Fierdan" could have a different meaning than its original one, but it would always sound like "fear" at first. It's very, very hard for "J" to feel threatened and afraid of Danny/Fierdan. He just can't. He sees through Danny/Fierdan; he knows Danny/Fierdan in ways no other character can. 

Danny, you're being ridiculous. Have "J" smack some common sense into you. (smh)  

Character names are confusing. 

Ok, now I'm done. Bye. 

haha ahaha why am i like this

Haha. Ahaha. Why am I like this? 

:'D ,,, :/ 

When I begin posts (such as the last one), I tell myself that I won't go into any "inappropriate content".. but I end up going into that as the posts continue on. 

Sorry, my bad. :c

Anyway, I had this train of thought yesterday (or two days ago). I just.. don't know.

• Me: *thinks of words to describe Duke's/Fierdan's eye color* 

• Me: fiery gold? ... whiskey? .... whiskey. 

• Me: wait, amber is a valid eye color. Fierdan's eyes are also that beautiful eye color like Duke's are. 

• Me: *then imagines Fierdan and Ryen at a bar, sitting on tall barstools at the bar counter, each drinking a glass of whiskey* 

• Me: oh wait. who is their designated driver person? ... Duke? no. I don't trust that boy. ... Twinkle, it's gotta be you. 

• Twinkle: ugh, why though. :/

• Me: idk, you're available? 

• Twinkle: *sighs, rolls eyes* 

• and then...

• Me: *thinks a lot of (Fier)Dan-X-"J"* aww, that's cute. 

• Me: *thinks of my blog viewers*

• Viewers: How the heck does someone genuinely love Fierdan? How does Fierdan get a boyfriend? Cutepups, he's Fierdan. Uh, I don't buy it. :/ 

• Me: *thinks about him and "J" when they're the most intimate from emotional intimacy to physical platonic-and-nothing-more intimacy and then to their sexual intimacy* oh shit--

• Fierdan: *sits up on the side of the bed he shares with "J", hastily grabs and puts on a pair of underwear, turns his head to face me who is somehow there in the room with them* do you mind? :/ 

• Me: *panics, thinks* oh shit, what should I say? *says out loud to Fierdan* excuse you, I am your god. *thinks* wait, why did I say that? 

• Fierdan: *looks back to look at his sleeping boyfriend of wholesomeness, looks back at me, speaks that same skit line I still haven't moved on from with the same tone but softer as to not wake up his boyfriend* don't fuck me over, ma'am. >:/

• Me: *cries and laughs over Fierdan repeating that iconic skit line* dude, I love when you swear. your voice.. swearing.. it's a blessing. I feel blessed. 

• Fierdan: *doesn't know what to say, whispers* fuck off. 

• Me: I absolutely love how you say "fuck"; your voice is gorgeous! 

• "J": *wakes up, speaks drowsily* what's going on? who is that fool by the door? 

• Fierdan: the fool is our god. 

• "J": *gives me a suspicious look, sits up in bed making sure a blanket covers his pelvis and everything below because he doesn't even have underwear on* ok, sure..? 

• Me: I didn't mean to write this! 

• Fierdan: write what, you fool? *tries to escort me out of the room* 

• Me: wow, your body looks gorgeous too! 

• Fierdan: *is only wearing the underwear he put on when he noticed me somehow in the room, sighs* I am taken. :/ 

• Me: you can thank me for that. :) 

• Fierdan: *is fed up with me* get out of here! and stop obsessing over my privacy! 

• Me: I am sorry. I can't help it because I am your god. I am the reason that you and your boyfriend exist. 

• Fierdan: goodbye! *pushes me out of the room, quickly shuts the door behind me* 

• Me: well, ok then. *casually walks on* ... *thinks* omg am I intruding on their sex life? 

• Me: *thinks about his eyes again* they're like whiskey because they are addictive. *pauses* wait, no. uh... 

That was my train of thought. Yeah, I'm cursed. Call me out. I write problematic things and my posts contain "inappropriate content" now. I am expecting complaints. Thanks in advance. I am a bad influence. :-) 

............... Anyway, this morning I had a bad dream. It was so scary and disturbing. It messed me up. My stomach hurts a little as a result of it. The dream was terrifying. I love how after a day I no longer feel happy and willing to tolerate the shit going on in my family/house, I end up having a fucking nightmare. That's just.. it's so great. I totally appreciate it. I love having that kind of dream. Just kidding. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it so much! 

I'm trying to give off the vibe that I'm happy on here. Thinking about my characters brings me pleasure. It's enjoyable. I like doing that. 

But it's hard for me to stay happy in this environment. It's hard not to feel like shit in this fucking house. 

..... fucking kill me. i deserve it. 

Me: *grabs Fierdan* This is my emotional support [problematic, fiery disaster man.] 

I will return in due time.

ah! oh..

Hi, whoever's reading this. 

I drove to a store and bought a new phone charger. I'm typing this on my phone. 

Yeah. Ok. 

If you look back at my December 2018 archive, you would see that I made 31 posts that month. 

Well, I finally finished a December with as many posts as there are days in the month. Which is 31- 31 posts, 31 days. 

That made me pleased. :) 

(ugh. why must you be like that, cutepups?- at least one person's thoughts upon reading this)

I swear, I wanted to make another post later as I was making the previous one. But then after I came home, I didn't want to anymore. 

In the evenings and nights this week, I've been watching "This Is Us" with my sister and mom. And wow, I feel both emotional and emotionally drained right now. 

...... ok so here's some stuff. 

I'm trying to be optimistic and more chill as a person. 

And I'm trying.. for what? 

Honestly, my family tires me out. I am tired. 

Tired of the bs. Tired of the bickering. Tired of him being angry for days without telling any of us why. Tired of her pushing on the arguments and then getting upset that that annoys the rest of us and makes him more angry. 

My house be like "Communication? What's that?" I swear. 

Heh, at least I think I'm still in a good note with my sister these days. My brother too. I think. 

Anyway, so there I was. In my room. Trying to fix the arms on that sketch I posted a few months ago of Finny and Duke. I'm still struggling with the arms, haha. 

And then I hear my mom basically saying that we're going to a funeral in the morning. 

Ah haha, well, that killed the vibe to work on my drawings. That's for sure. 

Oh, I feel low. Oh, but I also feel content. I.. I don't know. 

.... my house feels dysfunctional sometimes. i don't think we feel like a "proper family" compared to others. i feel like maybe my mom really doesn't actually know how to be a Mom. it gets on my nerves, i guess. .-. 

. .. .... ..... ...... ......

Because of the classes I took in college, I analyze literary texts / "read between the lines" more. I'm more critical of the movies and shows I see. 

I don't mean to, but I keep on analyzing / "reading between the lines of" the different parts of my skit stories. Especially the two most recent Duke and Fierdan ones. 

Haha, it's hard for me to stop. It feels like my thoughts and feelings about them are in overdrive. I just have so many. 

--------------------

From the "I Have No Home / Take Me Home" skit story, I want to draw: 

• Duke's parents arguing. 

• Baby Duke. (<3 !!)

• Duke creating a mess in the kitchen, searching for alcohol. 

• Duke with the box of wine. 

• Duke drinking a bottle of wine as he sits on his bed. 

• The over half empty bottle lying on the floor as the morning sunlight shines through the bedroom window. 

• Duke talking to Fierdan about how he's a burden on everyone, his mixed feelings about his mother, and/or his regrets about saying what he said in his first Help session. 

• Duke standing in front of, and facing the kitchen drawer, while still talking to Fierdan. 

• Duke holding the knife, between the drawer and his body. 

• The knife in Duke's chest, his shirt being stained red, Fierdan having Duke's dead body close to his body as he holds Duke. 

• Fierdan's eyes at the very end of the second skit part. 

• Fierdan at the doorway, facing his boyfriend who is watching him from bed. 

• "J" talking to Fierdan when he's sitting in bed, and Fierdan is standing at his bedside. 

• Fierdan leaning over the bed and bending down to kiss the top of his boyfriend's chest, probably just under the collarbone. 

• Fierdan's beautiful eyes as he says, "I love...".

• "J" lying on his back, wrapping his arms around Fierdan's upper back, and Fierdan going fully on top of the bed with his body on top of "J's" as they kiss. (ok, there's a gap between their bodies..)

(Psst, the "J" character and Fierdan are boyfriends.) 

• Fierdan in the next scene before the mysterious figure shows up. 

• Fierdan having a sharp knife placed into his hands. 

• The dark gray of the mysterious figure melting away to reveal Duke who is not dead. 

I could make a pretty long post just about that short scene with "J" and Fierdan. 

(It gets deep, fam.) 

... sex mention warning for that post. (yeah) 

(Ah, screw it. Here goes.. something.)

"J" is the same character as Jinx and Jax from Chapter 75. I don't know his actual name for sure. The "J" name could be a nickname. 

"J" is Fierdan's age, give or take a few months. The Jinx and Jax characters get to be pretty important in story 1. This "J" character (characters?) helps/comforts Duke and Fierdan. For Duke, it's after he escapes the Tall Tower dungeon where he gets tortured for around a week. For Fierdan, it's after he starts breaking down after stabbing through Duke's heart. 

"J" is honestly such a blessing. I love him so much. For reasons that are different from the reasons why I love my fiery disaster boys (Duke and Fierdan). 

"J" is gay. Fierdan is bisexual, with a preference for men. Ryen is aromantic asexual. Lately, I've had strong thoughts about their sexualities. I'm passionate about this. 

Also.. 

"J" has the strongest psychological Elemental Power. Fire is the strongest physical Elemental Power. Fierdan and Stella (aka Twinkle) have the two variations of the fire Elemental Power. 

Strongest physical Elemental Power with the strongest psychological Elemental Power. The relationship of fireXice is out. The new power couple is strongest-physical-epXstrongest-psychological-ep. 

(it's kinda like superpowers!)

The person with the water Elemental Power is a trans guy. The person with an Elemental Power relating to metal is a nonbinary poc. They're not heterosexual either. 

(ooh yeah) 

Stella dresses androgynously. She does that, and I fully support her. 

Ryen doesn't have the emotional capability to be interested in romance and sex. But what makes him aro ace is his lack of romantic attraction and sexual attraction. 

Fierdan, for the most part, isn't a romantic person. He can have trouble being romantic. Unlike Ryen, he can feel romantically attracted to people. But romance is.. well, it's hard. I, for one, don't understand it at all. 

I feel like for Fierdan, he usually goes first for displaying physical affection. I've been thinking recently about it. Fierdan probably finds it easiest to show platonic love (physical affection such as hugging and cuddling).. and then he finds it easier to show his love physically and sexually while having trouble showing love romantically and with words and not with actions and touch. 

Fierdan grows to be like, "Saying what love is with words? No can do. Talk casually about my feelings? No thanks, that's exhausting. I'll show you my love through my actions, not my words. My body will show you how much I love you. ;)" 

So he would rather show his significant other "I love you" by kissing that person after saying that phrase instead of through more words. But he still can willingly talk. He just goes for consensual physical contact first. 

Fierdan, like his brother, has trouble talking about his emotions and having words for them. Ryen has limited emotional intensity as a result of his childhood. Fierdan is a lot more emotional than Ryen, and he experiences very intense emotions as a result from his past. 

Emotional numbness vs. feeling emotions too intensely. Ryen and Fierdan are opposites, in that way. Though Fierdan feels apathetic at times like Ryen does, he tends to generally feel emotions intensely. Sometimes, his emotions are more intense than the average person's. And because of that, Fierdan (reminding us of Duke as well) gives off the vibe that he's fragile, over-dramatic, and too emotional. 

(Awful childhoods can affect siblings very differently. Abuse and neglect can affect siblings who grew up in the same abusive and neglectful environment in different ways. Not everyone shares the same coping skills. Everyone is different, including siblings. Who would've thought!) 

.. right? yeah? 

I still have more to say about "J" and Fierdan. I'll continue my thoughts about them (and in relation to the skit scene) in another post. 

The music I listen to heavily influences the direction my skits go in. I might make another post with the songs that I've been listening to while writing the skit parts. 

..... Well, that cheered me up a bit. Thanks, Fierdan. :') 

Bye now.

~ Cutepups 

some skit talk, mostly character talk

Hi, I'm on my computer again. You'd think I would rather type up posts on here than on the Blogger app because phone screens are a lot smaller, but I'm still not used to using my computer for this.

Haha, yeah.

I don't have that much time to post now, but I want to. So, to cut to the chase, I'm here to talk about the skit story I'm not finished with yet and my lovely characters.

When I'm writing skits, I write them in third-person perspective. Well, for the most part. Even when I read over my skits and see that they're written in third-person,  I have a bias for which character the perspective is really focused on.

To make things fast and easy, I'll list my two skit stories from December.

I imagine the "Explain Yourself at the Help" skit story being in Duke's perspective throughout the whole thing, despite the lack of an actual first-person perspective. Even during the first part when Fierdan is outside the bathroom door and we read that he unlocks and opens the door, I read the skit as leaning more towards Duke's perspective. And through that, we as the readers are with Duke on not knowing why Fierdan was being pretty creepy with the wine and what the paper saying "Help" is all about. And of course, the third part is clearly leaning more towards Duke's perspective. The second part is only in Duke's perspective as well. I think we can connect to him more than Fierdan. We don't know anything about this "Help" place and things seem confusing, so we're connecting to Duke in that way.

It's a little different for the "I Have No Home / Take Me Home" skit story. There's more than one character who I have bias for regarding whose perspective (though still in third-person) the skit is written in. The first part is only in Duke's perspective, which should be obvious and make sense. The majority of the second part is in Duke's perspective as well, but it changes to Fierdan's as soon as Duke gets up and walks to the kitchen drawer. Though we might not fully understand why Duke drank alcohol and exactly how damaged he is, the skit is supposed to be read through his eyes. But when he goes to the drawer, we're not sure what he plans on doing. We don't know why he suddenly felt the need to die, without bothering with Fierdan but having him kill himself. We don't know exactly what Duke is talking about from that point forward and into the third part as well. I wanted the second part to end in Fierdan's perspective, so we can connect to him holding Duke's corpse in his arms and having him get wet with blood.

And then there's the third part. I intended for it to be the most confusing to read skit part. It starts with three perspectives (Ardere's, Dawn's, and Twinkle's) and even though they're all in classrooms writing essays, their perspectives are all different. They don't know about the others. The fact that they have to write essays related to "home" is a coincidence. Not for me though; I did that on purpose. As for the rest of the third part, it's in Fierdan's perspective.

I know the whole thing about Fierdan must be confusing, so I'll quickly explain it.

The part with J is totally separate from everything going on in the skits. That was a very small section of a scene I have in mind for story 3. It's supposed to be hard to understand because, well, it's from story 3 and I'm not even done with story 1 yet. The youngest Fierdan would be in story 3 is 22 years old. But lately, I've been thinking of changing his and Ryen's ages, making it so Fierdan would be in his mid-20s and Ryen in his late-20s. But going by what I currently have of Fierdan being 19 in story 1 and 20 going on 21 in story 2, he would be 22 in story 3.

Anyway, if Fierdan is only 20-22 in story 2 to story 3.. that makes me feel weird. (uhhuhuhuheheheh)

The next part of the skit where Fierdan "wakes up from a coma" is supposed to be more related to the skits but still not exactly. Hypothetically, Fierdan could have been in a coma for over a month and that's why he and Duke were away from the other skit characters. But I don't think that's what really happened. And on top of that, Ryen calls his brother, Danny instead of Fierdan. That makes it more like what happens in the story as opposed to what happens in skits.

The timeline of skits is separate from the timeline for the stories. The skit one is supposed to be taking place between after the end of story 1 and before the start of story 2. Unlike in the stories, I let the characters in the skits become a year older as each passes (ex. Duke- 17 in 2017, turns 18 on his birthday in December). No matter what year I write story 1 in (2014, 2015, 2016, etc.) Duke is 17. If he in the story could get older (in years), he would be 19 (honestly, maybe 20) by now. But of course I can't do that, so he stays 17 in story 1.

And the ending of the third skit part with Fierdan and the Mysterious Figure (aka Duke) is fully back in the skit-only timeline. That's because Fierdan and Duke are two separate characters. In the bedroom scene and (most likely a) hospital scene, Fierdan isn't the same Fierdan in the skits. To make things less confusing, I let the name, Fierdan, stay consistent throughout the skit.

Post-story 1 Fierdan is story 1 Fierdan and Duke as one person. In other words, Duke equals story 2 and 3 Fierdan just as much as story 1 Fierdan does.

Starting in story 2, Fierdan goes by more than one name. He has quite a relationship with names, haha.

(I use Fierdan the most because it's the most familiar to you guys.)

Well, I have to go. To summarize, the characters in skit parts that are more lively and interesting are the ones that have the skits read in their perspectives. If Duke talks a lot, it's probably in his perspective. If Fierdan doesn't sound like he's trying to be a "responsible adult" compared to Duke, it's probably in his perspective. And if a character says profanities and mentions heavy topics more than the other (in this case, only the skits with Duke and Fierdan), then the skit part is in that character's perspective.

(I have a bias for Duke and Fierdan POVs, haha. :'D)

I have more to say about the bedroom scene (mm, that juicy context), so I'll go all into that later.

But I really have to leave now, so bye.

~ Cutepups