Hi, I'm back. Ok.
I feel like I go a day without posting if I don't post something at or after midnight. But then I check and realize I've been posting daily most of the time lately.
Sure, I didn't make a late-night hours post today, but it's not really because I didn't get any complaints and/or thoughts in my comment moderation thing.
It's because.. man, creating those posts exhaust me. They result in me physically feeling messed up after I wake up later in the late-ish morning. I don't intend to spend two or more hours on a post; I don't plan on sleeping at four in the flipping morning so often these days.
So on the days when I'm not making posts at those hours, I'm going to bed a few hours earlier. Like today. I went to bed (and sleep *gasp*) at midnight. I didn't fall asleep that early in so long. Haha, what does that say about my sleep schedule.. *cough*.
(I "draft" a bunch of posts, so the time it says at the end of posts is earlier than the time it is when I actually finish the posts.)
.... *cough, cough* ..... (heck) ---- (cw- sex mentions//)
Regarding the last post, I've realized that my fairly recent future story concepts are quite.. explicit. They've become quite sexual.
And I'm reading over what I wrote like, "oh.."
And then I'm think about that grand old time in 2014 when writing any kiss scenes made me.. uncomfortable. Yet I still wrote them. Wow huh, I must love sabotaging myself or something.. haha. Then there's me now considering sex mentions in the same general story world. Well haha, that's different.
Anyway, I'm here to try and make some things clear.
Even though I wrote about these sex mentions, I don't think I'm going to write any actual sex scenes in my story writing. Like, you know, explicitly write them in detail. Only part of my story (1, 2, 3..?) is in the romance genre, but there's so much more than just that. There are other genres too. When I think about it, I can't even bother to enjoy reading romance-specific stories. Where there's romance and that's it. Anyway, I'm not writing erotica. Of course not. Like.. ok no, pfft.
But at the same time, I want to imply they've had sex. So like..?? idk.
I'm just.. man, I'm obsessing over emotional and physical intimacy and the character development and relationships between my characters and and and -- *explodes*
Uh.. they're in their 20s. Ok.
Ugh, I don't know what to tell you. I imagine Danny/Fierdan and the J character becoming friends who bond a lot in story 2. And at some point, they become (romantic) lovers. And then by story 3, it's implied they've had sex. But will I write that directly? Eh, I don't know.. probably not.
(Eww, Cutepups doesn't know how to word things and is writing problematic elements like sex. :/)
Oh shush, you. I know that already. :-)
Ok but.. why just them? Eh, it's probably because Danny/Fierdan and J are both adults (18+), Danny/Fierdan is obviously a main character, Ryen is older than them but I want to make it clear that he's aromantic and asexual (lol like me), and I don't know much about my exclusively story 2 and on protagonists yet. Also how like the other characters are children (under 18), Stella (aka Twinkle) becomes 18 but she's also asexual, and I'm iffy about considering explicit content for characters that haven't reached their early 20s.
Oh and just saying. Just because I'm considering the friends to lovers trope, it doesn't mean that romantic (and sexual?) love is more important than platonic love. I really hope I'm not sending that message because it gets on my nerves as an aro person. I have a special place in my heart now for the different types of love regarding Danny/Fierdan and J. Their character development and relationship is important to the story. And honestly? When they're only friends and only have their platonic love for each other growing so wholesome, it's so important to the development of Danny's/Fierdan's character. It's just so sweet and pure, and frankly, no romance can reach that level. Friendship isn't a lesser form of love than romance and sex.
And when I consider all my protagonists together, I prioritize the platonic love between them a lot more than romance. Platonic love.. it's important and critical to the narrative, you can quote me on that.
Ok so back to the previous post.
I can easily see (referring to what I categorize as story 3) Fierdan being attached to physical contact. He was alone and isolated from other people for so long- in Cincernum and in those Pre-Fierdan childhood days. In story 1, he's a very lonely character. He had no one he could casually talk to, so his social skills suffered. Fierdan is misunderstood and seen as the ultimately worst, most evil person to ever live.. when he's really not. And no, it's not just because of Soulless. Z made Fierdan grow up to be the person he was. It's fucking heartbreaking, okay? And then there's story 2 where it becomes clear that Fierdan (just gonna use that name to keep it consistent) has abandonment issues. To say he doesn't is just unrealistic. It's not cute; like I said, it's fucking heartbreaking.
Starting in the Pre-Fierdan days, Danny struggled with abandonment firsthand. He never had the opportunity to bond and get to know his mother like Ryen did. (Never mind, I'm gonna call him Danny here) Danny doesn't know anything about their mother. He only gets to know at least some things about her when he's older and he asks Ryen about her. And Ryen himself doesn't even know that much about her firsthand because he was a child then too.
When Danny was a young toddler (between being 1 or 2 years old) and Ryen was still a little kid, their mother left them behind to be with their father. She never came back to visit them. On top of that, their father didn't properly care for them. Z ignored Danny a lot and especially as the years go on.
Soulless doesn't even have to be involved. In one of my recent skits, someone told Fierdan that he's a "survivor".. I want to talk about that. Even before Cincernum and being put in project world hell like a fucking experimental factor and not as a human being, Fierdan is a "survivor". Before he even gets that name, he's a "survivor". Soulless has nothing to do with it. Just when he's Pre-Fierdan Danny, he's a survivor. Or, in other words, a victim.
His parents left him. His mother abandoned him; his father basically threw him away. His father paid more attention to his brother and couldn't give less of a shit about Danny's well-being.
Fierdan was a neglected child. I think that overall ruined him more than any of the physical and psychological damage Soulless did to him. Sure, Soulless fucked Fierdan up a lot, but I don't want to downplay the neglect he faced as a toddler and young child.
Neglect is a form of abuse. So.. yeah.
Anyway, back to my main point. Talking about story 2-3 Fierdan.
Fierdan has trouble sleeping. Yes, it's like those old skits. He refuses sleep and does anything to prevent that from happening. He's an insomniac. He has nightmares that take the form of flashbacks. He's afraid of closing his eyes for too long because then he can imagine and "see" them.
Fierdan wants peace and quiet. Around him and in his head. But at the same time, he's terrified of the quiet. The quiet means he can think over and over his past actions. There's genuine terror. It hurts so much.
Cincernum is being surrounded by black. There's no peace there. But when he's put in a room that's mainly white in color, that still terrifies him. The colors are opposite, but that doesn't mean the peace is there. If there's no peace in his mind, the colors outside don't matter.
Fierdan can't sleep well on his own. He can't do it by himself. Even before he and J become lovers, they're very close. J helps Fierdan deal with his life shit. J comforts and calms Fierdan down. They spend nights together way before they even consider having sex. Fierdan appreciates J's presence, and he sleeps longer (so with less nightmares/flashbacks) when J is close to him (same room).
Fierdan longs to be touched- emotionally and physically. J gives him that. And then Fierdan craves it.
Lately, I've been thinking of Fierdan becoming a sexual person. But when I think about it, he's really not craving the actual sex (the fuckening). I don't see him like, hell idk, waving a sign saying "fuck me pls, i'll fuck you!".. ok uh no.
I mean of course he consents. Don't get me wrong. He's big on that.
Abandonment issues. Not wanting to be alone. Wanting to feel and be felt.
I don't know anything that becomes physically close as sex. I can't relate, but I can have an outsider's perspective and think.. just like every other part of my general story world thing. But like.. the physical intimacy. Being naked so there aren't clothes between the bodies. That sense of vulnerability, of opening up (... wtf? is that a fucking pun?). Lying naked on top of each other. The giving, the taking, the ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (lenny face, yes that too). The enjoyment, the "pleasure" (whatever the hell that means ... jk I do), the whole ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) again. And then having sleep in a bed, having their naked bodies lie next to each other. And it's just.. warm and comforting. Basically, not like Fierdan being next to a cold dead body. And then there's the sense of trust between them (Fierdan and J) that they'll sleep together. That if they need their partner, they'll be a few inches at most away from each other. In other words, (1) they're naked (ohoho no underwear ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)) and (2) they're not sleeping alone since they're together.
And then much later on when they break up (oh geez why, Cutepups, why) Fierdan is so used to not being alone in bed. Of sleeping next to someone, naked or not. Ok I'll say it- Fierdan likes sex, and after their breakup becomes more serious, he misses it.
(All I'm getting from this is that Fierdan is even more problematic because he has sex.. with other people? :/ @ your last post, fool!)
Please, hypothetical blog viewer, bare with me.
Yeah, I'm thinking of Fierdan seeing other people a significant amount of time after the breakup. The majority of the encounters are more for sex and not being alone in bed than romance and any of that fluff. Some are one night stands/hookups, and some last a few days. I'm thinking of Fierdan being in another romantic and sexual (though it probably only starts sexually tbh) relationship (at least one) after J. But those don't last because they don't have the relationship that he had with J; that love isn't fully there. Fierdan loves his other partner/s, yes, but it's not the love he had/has with J. And that's probably because of their platonic love. Oh and despite the short-lasting relationships, Fierdan is genuinely attracted to his partners (sexually and/or romantically). I imagine one of the longest of these fairly short (like a week or so long? idk) relationships being between Fierdan (fire bi guy) and a girl (lady woman). It's short, but the attraction is still there.
From what I'm saying, I'll summarize. Fierdan becomes a horny motherfucker. Good night except it's the afternoon. ;)
Oh shit, that's right. Consent!
Even with the one night stands/hookups (uh.. sex one time and that's it, they probably don't see each other again), Fierdan asks over and over to make sure if potential sex partner is attracted to him like he/she is attractive to him. He makes sure the potential partners are willingly getting to what they want (sex). Even if it's a one time thing and not a developed relationship, Fierdan insists that they have to consent to whatever action they do (not just fucking, like idk, kissing too) without being coaxed or forced to. If potential partners just go up to Fierdan in a bar or club because they're drunk and horny but it's unclear whether they'll be happy and consenting to sex (with him), he won't go to bed with them.
I hope that's clear. Geez, this is getting pretty explicit.
Fierdan is into making sure there's consent because consent is a turn-on, baby! ;D
Ok but seriously. His past consists of things being done to him without his consent. Maybe not actual sex, but his body was still severely violated. Soulless *cough* and also his father who built him into the person he became so that he killed people. Fierdan being a killer.. he was used.
Story 2 and on also has Duke being Fierdan. Terrible, atrocious things were done to Duke without his consent. From his mother (Calliah), Admiral, that man who took an interest in seeing Duke shirtless and with black fire, those older kids/teens at that pool, Risak, and Taurel. Calliah and Taurel aren't the only people who take advantage of and violate Duke.
And what they do to him makes him feel worthless, like a burden.. like a thing. Because that's what they view him as.
He literally is objectified by other people. He's not a human to them; he's a thing. A non-living object, so they can do whatever the fuck they want to do with Duke.
So, not wanting to be like those ugly people, he seeks out clear and obvious consent. Because hey, Fierdan (back to story 2 and on) doesn't want to be a fucking rapist. He doesn't want to take gross advantage over others at all. Ok :].
In that way, he's distancing himself from those people I listed, his own father (Z), and even his past self/selves (story 1 Fierdan and Duke).
Oh and Fierdan doesn't ever want to sink to Z's level. Z doesn't give a fuck about consent. His actions.. yeah, there's no consent there. It's disgusting.
Dawn couldn't consent. Fierdan is so into checking for consent (that's sexy, huh) because of what happened to her too.
Dawn was objectified by Z. He didn't see her as another human being; he saw her as a thing. An object that he could do whatever he wanted to with. Because to him, Dawn isn't worthy enough to be considered a human. She's beneath him. Of course there isn't a power balance.
Ok that's it. This is getting too long.
Yikes @ the content in this post.
(O_O)
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