I mean hey guys. Um...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry , I'm sor--
Oh wait. I should explain why.
Nah. If you've been on this crappy blog long enough, you'd know what I mean. :/
I really like the soundtrack to the Hamilton musical. It's great. Getting them feels for them historical figures. Beautiful. :')
Yeah.. okay.
Okay so. Look, none of you can relate. I know that. But.. yeah.. I'm such a prick. I know that too.
I don't know. Okay? I don't know why. Why I'm like this. Why.. anything. I talked with them. They don't understand. So stop telling me to do that, alright? Because I did.
Want to know the truth? It sucks when you can't do just about anything right. Except, what, breathing? I hate so many things about me, this blog, just about everything. Might create a new banner if I have the energy to. I won't delete this blog. I'll threaten that many times, but I won't. Well, except if things really do get bad. But most likely not (boy do I like to suffer). I'll likely change it majorly several times and disable comments on a ton of posts. But keeping it up publicly in a year from now? Who knows. Not me at least. And I own this sad excuse of a blog. It probably will happen at some point. I just don't know when. Just not now. So be happy it's here now. Because nothing lasts forever.
Look, okay. I was (and still am) unhappy when I typed that up. I really do want to finish it. Just.. not now. Not for a while. Maybe I'll post a chapter this weekend or the next. I'm just uneasy on all the thoughts about the main stuff in the story (and the last two chapters too). I'm uneasy with them too. Which means I hate those things. It sucks. I can't even find the energy to even enjoy writing as much as I used to. I somewhat hate it now. Except poems. Those can stay. Not much effort compared to writing chapters.
Anyway. I don't know why I'm constantly feeling like nothing. Not sad, not empty, not mad, not numb, not even frustrated. It's just everything at once. All those negative feelings. It is what it is. I'm tired all day long. No, I'm not depressed. I'm not starting that crap over again. Like I said, I don't know.
Just.. just stop. Everyone's (probably you guys too) saying how I'm smart. But, guess what? It's stupid. Saying that. Because I'm not. Why say that when we both know you're smarter? In all ways.
I'm so gonna regret typing this. Because I'm a screw up. That and "not good enough at anything besides basic human function" are the thoughts that keep on resurfacing a whole lot more frequent now than last year. What the heck, I'm posting this anyways.
I can't explain. I like being left alone; I'm terrified of being alone in the future. I'll have no one. I'm sorry I can't stop thinking that. As more time passes by, the more it seems true. I'm not into that.. stuff. I can't.. I just can't. I can't do this on my own. But, oh god, am I not a "people person". The truth is everything about the future terrifies me. I'll be surprised if I survive through the three or four years from now and onward. College and onward, I mean.
To be honest, I haven't been truly, 100% happy, in months. But not actually sad either. But I wouldn't say neutral either. Possibly a year or two. Not even during the summer. I've been lowkey sad for the majority of summer break. Especially the first few weeks. The funny skits? True, they help with the story stuff. But they're mostly this instead: a distraction. That's what they do, distract. Some lame form of happiness.
Well, go on my DA to read my poems. I swear, curse, cuss. Not that much, but I still do. But yeah. Go there if you like seeing me around. Go through my real old posts, and you'll find some posts where I say my DA name. Do that yourself if you want to know. If for some reason you still don't know what it is. But I'll probably take a break from that site as well sooner or later. Because, when you're tired of everything, especially your interests that you're not interested in at the moment, you just want to take a break from anything having to do with it. For your wellbeing. Because that's me now. Honestly, I think I stay for all the friends I made (DA, on here). That has got to be one of the top reasons why I've stayed and been active for so long. And to storywrite the rare times I want to. Rarer still when I actually like the writing. And art in general.
Oh and if you'll read my post from last year today (or the 28th), you'll find out today's the 71st anniversary of the liberation on Auschwitz (I think that's what I posted about last year). Yeah...
If you've stayed with me through everything thick and thin. And you still don't actually hate me (fully). Then, wow, I love you so, so much. Thanks for staying with me. Thanks for dealing with me. Thanks for not leaving and forgetting me. Because, man, people like that mean practically the world to me. Well, except if you're actually a stalker or spy. Then no. But other than that, I call you my friend. A lot of people I used to call my friends (my friends still do, just not in the long run) left and forgot me. Because, heck, I'm a silent and boring person. Unimpressive person with no big accomplishments that not everyone gets. So staying and remembering me means a lot to me. People like that are a huge part of my life. I mean it. I love you, friends. <3
I'm just neck-deep in that "unsure" part of my life. Which to me seems like it's going to last forever. Which in turn makes me feel and act the way I do.
Wow, a lot of truths in this post. If you read every word here, I thank you. It's a lot of text.
Goodbye.
~ Cutepups
I'm sorry if I was harsh man:(( seeing you make these things makes me upset because they're so strong. Anyways, it's okay. I believe you still have some emotion in there. I'm generally a bad person but if this makes any sense I'll do my best to be there for you (who the heck knows what friendship is anyways...) but seriously, you can go on hiatus (for the story as well) if it makes you feel any better. I'm going through a period like you right now....:( but once I went on hiatus for a long time and I came back better and fully charged. Although at the same time I love the feel of words and drama(SORRY) and stuff and I look at daily is your blog. I can't really talk that well.. Nowadays I say I hope it's true cus I don't really know if what I'm saying is true or not because like I guess writers block does it to a person. Also. I find it strange how we're generally feeling the same thing at the same. Idk though.
ReplyDeleteWhat is inspiration? Something you find? Anyways, don't look too hard. As in a poem I read "if it's in you, it'll come to you eventually." Honestly, it's okay not to be smart or any of those things. Who cares? It's still you. And you still write pretty good. So do I. Who cares? We just try again that's all.
Perhaps it won't come. But maybe it will. We have something in us that makes us write what we feel, anyways.
. X Reach
Yeah, you were. But we explained ourselves, so it's over with now. I don't know what friendship really is either. Probably a whole bunch of stuff. I'm definitely not a friend expert, haha.. ahem. Yeah possibly.. for the best and all. But I know it won't help too much. Eh idk. :(
DeleteWell, for my emotional poems, I gotta agree with you on that. The other senseless drama? Yeah, not that enjoyable with me.. mhmm. Oh and I used to think you (with your own sadness and all) caused me to feel this way, but I realized I've been feeling this way long before the whole commenting/critiquing incidents. Sure, you did make me feel sad and all that about it, but you weren't the root to me feeling this way. If that makes any sense..
Well, to me, inspiration isn't all too hard to find. Putting it into words and into plot for the story is the hard part. And making sure those ideas make sense and aren't rubbish.
Well, it's hard when everyone around you is all in your face (not literally lol) about how smart they are (academically, socially, etc., etc.). And you're pretty smart yourself too. And there are a whole lot of better writers and artists around my age. Yeah, I bring myself down a lot, I know.
I guess you could look up some stuff online for plot to figure out your story. And like? I could help you with it with you want I guess even though I'm pretty bad at plot. But at least you are getting inspiration. At least, it doesn't really matter if it's good or not as long as you enjoy yourself while writing it. Of course, the other things might be big issues to you but at least to me I haven't found inspiration in a while, so... You could try writing down a lot of stuff or whatever like how Mutant does with her work. I mean, if you love to write why not do it? Get the harder parts away first and then go to the stuff you like. And I agree with Rainy. If you really need a break from something perhaps you should consider taking one.
DeleteAnd anyways. It's okay to not be the best. It's not like you can change who you are. You're already doing the best you can, so why worry about it? Like this comic I once read. You often see others' people's good traits but never stopped to look at yours. For once, at least, try letting yourself believe you are the best. At least, the best you can be.
Yeah, I guess I could.. but I made it branch out way too many times, so planning it will be just one huge mess. I guess, but it doesn't really mean anything if I can't apply it anywhere without ruining it even more. So.. idk, I'm out of ideas. And yeah, they're big issues to me now. And I hate it so much. It hurts..
DeleteI'm honestly really, really jealous of Mutant and how she works with her writings. It makes mine look like trash after reading hers alongside mine. pfft negativity again :/. I can't be as organized for my life.
But I don't really know if I am anymore. And my best doesn't feel like my best anymore. I think I know which comic you're referring to. I do know I have some good traits, but they really aren't even that good. And right after I post something that I think is great, I notice a flaw in it that I can't fix. Just my flow of words is terrible. I try, but it's hard nowadays.
Ugh, but to be honest, same, 'cus I can't plan for life either. It seems kinda like you're stuck in a place...but like, I feel like you would be intrested in it more if you got to the better parts. (By that I mean the ones you're more intrested in like when they're humans.) although... I know planning's hard but perhaps it could lead to something. I mean, in my stories I just start off all silly and don't know how to continue it. The best course of action could be figuring out the characters motives' and going from there. So I mean, you already basically know that right. And the characters' motivations leads the story forward...so how could you incooperate that into the plot? Instead of maybe continuing it in this way (I'm guessing you don't like it as much now.) you could skip years forward or something like that. Because you're not happy, maybe finding something else- conflict or such to root the plot forward. Like new meanings or metaphors or stuff. You already have pretty intresting characters and some parts of good plot. (See, I'm not too good with helping and I'm zoning out right now.) so, think of your conflict. What do the Extraordinary others want to do? Where will there actions lead them? Are they part of something they can't change? Can their actions lead to worse things? What drives them forward? What makes them do what they do? If anything else, try to get into the characters. Right now, I feel like there's not nessacarily that big of a conflict. Like, imagine if they were back to earth. Let's imagine that we take one of the plot lines from some books. Like there's people who want to take their powers from them and make them forget who they really are. What are they facing? What's the real bad they have to face? What's their journey? If anything else, Blues, throw them in a whirlwind adventure and don't stop. If you take your time to perhaps take pieces of inspiration and put the plot together..... Maybe it will become something great. Maybe a slow outline, and then you build your story around that. Not like I have experience in that, anyways. Sorry if this didn't help, I'm really out of it right now.
DeleteNah.. I think it helped. I have to think more into it, get more interesting ideas for a conflict, make a good plot (or outline at least). It would seem like a whole lot is missing if I skip all of this boring stuff and just five into the more interesting parts. But I guess I can try and make those happen faster now. Gotta work on that.
DeleteI swear I said dive.. stupid autocorrect, my gosh :/
DeleteWell, I really have to go to bed now. We can help each other out on a later day, I suppose.
Yeah, that's true. Or maybe you could skip and just do flashbacks that were only relevant to the plot or something. But yeah, you should get them in a place where you can expand on stuff.
DeleteYeah, true..
DeleteSomething wrong in your life, S?
ReplyDeleteIf you want to talk about it, I can help you. Private, notes, public, I probably can relate, I probably can't. How do you want to express yourself?
You haven't been happy; why?
You haven't been feeling much, it seems. It's the start of school year. Better make the best out of it. I'm catching up on my subjects this year, and you probably should too.
If you need it, take a hiatus, roam the real world. That small thing makes a change.
I know. I'm skipping from one irrelevant point to another, but ponder a bit, S... What makes you happy? What do you need?
...To be honest. Sadness is welcoming at many times, but it's not the only thing in life.
All in all, it really is just jealousy (or envy.. whichever word fits). Everyone I know irl knows what they're doing/who they are and where they're going and how to do things I have no idea how to do without help.. which makes me feel stupid. It's hard for me to ask for help in the first place.
DeleteAnd family troubles and confusion and stress too. But that stuff's kinda personal, so I'll keep that kind of stuff to myself.
Anything school related.. for the most part. It's more like straight in the middle of the school year now. Which in turn makes everything the more worse. Picking classes for next year, recommendations coming out soon while I'm just under the chances of being good enough for being chosen.. it's not good. I was catching up in a few subjects and thought I was getting good at them again.. but of course that had to be a lie, and I'm back to not being on top and falling behind in some other classes as well. Trying never works well with me it seems.
I need to get away from all of this, but I know I really can't in the end. I never feel better by just leaving, but I'm out of options of what else to do.
It's alright. I switch topics a lot in just a matter of minutes. .. I guess to feel good enough for myself and others. Though I doubt it'll ever happen since I've been this way for so long. To be happy.. actually happy. Not dreading over things I have no control over. I guess that's what I'll need to be happy. True, true.