Grumpy Ramblings

Hello. Today's the last day of January, so here, have a trashy post. Yay. :/

So, if you haven't noticed yet, I made some changes on the blog. Removed some things, for one. There, there it's all better now, right? Happy me. Are you happy now? No? Thanks. :))

Sorry, couldn't change the banner. If I even am going to. I don't know crap. 

So, oh yeah, why I decided to make this sad excuse of a post. Well, it's the last day of January already somehow. And, wow.. what a difference. I was actually.. what is this.. was it even real.. I forgot.. Happy. Funny. Very, very active. 

Haha yeah, that's all gone now. :))

Well, I have some iffy ideas for the story. Yeah, I should've realized it a long time ago that it's not worth posting them for you all to see. Because, in the end, you're right, there's something wrong with it, and I hate it. So yeah, how about no? 

This band homework is so annoying. Freaking app hates me. I'm terrible. Thanks for reminding me, app. I appreciate you being straightforward. Not like some people. :/

Contradictory. I don't feel too bad right now. This homework is metaphorically killing me though. 

So anyway, you may or may not have seen that thing I wrote. Worried? Oh no, you never saw it? Then that's good too. Good for you. 

Well, my day was pretty bad when I decided to write that and remove so many things from the blog.

I screw up a lot. I'm never good enough. Grades, for you, for me, living life.. nope, I screwed it all up. No, I'll never meet your expectations. No, I doubt you. Sorry, I'll leave you alone. I ruined it anyways, didn't I? No one said anything, so I guess I did. 

But here's the thing. Despite you (I mean any online "friend" I ever had), life sure is simpler. Oh right, school, that too. There isn't really any legitimate reason why. For any of this. I guess I'm just a grumpy person who doubts everyone because that makes it all the more reassuring. Because if I don't, people will hurt me again, won't they? Why should I repeat it and let you hurt me again? There is no reason. Why waste my time with you? I'll keep my secrets, my reasons to myself. 

You know what? Screw everyone. I don't need your lies, your help, any of it. I know you're judging me negatively. Stop saying you're not. I know you are. Literally everyone else does. I doubt you're an exception. They all use me for their own benefit, and continue to ignore me. That's what happens every time. No one is any different. Maybe, just maybe, family. But friends? Nope. 

Ugh, I sound so salty here. I know I sound angry here. Sorry. It's just FRUSTRATING when everyone is better. When they don't like you. When they can do it, but I can't. And this.. this freaking homework. Sorry I'm not good enough for you. At anything. I always upset you in one way or another. Sorry I'm sensitive. Why the hell do I care so much about how you feel? I barely know you. Why the hell didn't I leave already? Wasting my time unable to sleep because I worry so much over if I hurt you. But you hurt me too. Why waste tears on you if I don't know if there's even a legitimate reason to? For you, for them, for me? For anyone? It just hurts us even more. They compliment me only to leave. When things aren't the way you wanted, you go. I'm only good if I'm good for you. I wish I could have that emotional numbness you have. At least then it'll hurt less. 

I can't explain. I'm feeling this way because of literally every aspect of my life. Not just this online chaos. School, socially, everything. Those words people say. Why not just assume those are lies? It feels better that way anyways. But the pain is still there. Emotional scars are still scars. Online things caused the majority of them. And in the end, they were all my fault. 

I wish you could prove me wrong. But can you really? No.. 

Everything that makes me happy only frustrates me more in the longrun. Because there's always someone better. Writing, drawing, reading, music, dancing, traveling adventures, school stuff, socially.. everything. I'm made up of imperfections since everything I do is wrong in one way or another. And losing good ideas. And any interest at all. Then, in the end, there's nothing left. That interests me. Makes me happy for more than a few hours at a time, if at all. There's just nothing left. 

Yeah, I really don't know why I'm still here. I won't bother you anymore. I admit I was wrong, and I'm sorry. I'll go too. Bye.

...

***EDIT***

I feel really bad (like whenever I post something like this) again. So, ok no, the "you"s and "they"s are a lot of people. Not just one person; not even just online people. Who I referred to in each paragraph was different by the sentences. I know I made this worse. I don't know why I feel so sorry, but I am. And I just got more bad news, so that's great, huh? (sarcasm). Everyone else has all their big accomplishments in my family, but I have none. And the ones they say I have? They aren't even great; I suck at those things. And all those great college things for grad school? Great grades, high level classes.. they're better than me. But I'm always just below that line of being there, what I see as "good enough". I'm never there. So close but not quite. Everyone else has something interesting to say, but I got nothing. I'm not even good at my hobbies. And they're not interested in me as much as them. They don't wonder how I'm doing anymore. They think I'm happy doing that, but I'm not anymore. Only my writings and drawings do, and they're not even that good. Ugh, I'm so pathetic. And heard some more bad news today. And I can't do this right, and it sucks. I suck. I worry too much that my stomach and head hurts. I just need to take a break from this stuff. I'm sorry for everything. Bye guys.