lol hi

Haha, I'm making this way too awkward. Hi. Hello. Welcome to my trashy blog. :)

Any of you got snow? I got snow. 2 feet of it. If any of you want snow, come here and clean up my driveway. Thanks. c:

Okay whatever. On with it. The title of this post is ironic. Because it isn't even funny and.. um.. oops, my bad.

So, um, yeah. I don't even view this blog anymore. I avoid it. I only checked the blog once or twice today, and my Blogger Dash a few more times than that. I even have 400 more pageviews from another country than the US now. The US always had the highest statistics before, and now it doesn't. Like okay, I used to view my blogging things a thousand times a day. Now it's like five.

Honestly, it's embarrassing me. Every time I view my blog or see a comment waiting for me to moderate it (publish or delete), I get this feeling of dread. I get anxious over it, and just reading the words is painful.

Comments.. I'm sorry, but I don't know what to say anymore. I always feel like you think I deliberately ignore your comments if I don't reply. But I don't want to.

And just the blog in general. That feeling of dread and anxiety comes back. Everything about it.. just.. ugh. I'm sorry.

Oh and that too. I'm really feeling it again. I really am. But, of course, I won't. Because I'm a coward who can't let anything go.

It sucks. It really does. At least I started disabling comments. That won't help entirely, but I don't care. At least I don't have to stress over the possibility of getting comments on those.

I mean my fricking story of hell obviously. I'm really in the mood to quit it again. For good. And set it on fire. And delete it. And kill every last bit of my writing.

Wanna know why? Because I screwed up. I screwed the whole damn thing up, and I was wrong. I can't fix it. I made it worse. I vented through those POVs. I wasn't thinking when writing them. I just want to end it, kill them off, and finally relax from this mayhem for once.

But I can't do that. I'm chained to this story. I'll hate myself more if I quit and delete. But I sure hate myself a lot as things are now.

I have no explanation for Soulless. I have no explanation for Fierdan's plan to kill Soulless without Soulless knowing. I have no explanation for how Fierdan and Fauna even know about the Jamaa Mist. I have no explanation on how they're gonna attack and capture Duke and who.

I have no idea why Duke is suicidal now. I have no idea why Fierdan is. I thought all of that would be great in the end because it symbolizes something like brokenness or some stupid crap like that. But, oh god, I was stupid. It's my fault, and I'm sorry. Doing that kind of stuff is dangerous, and it hurts. A lot. And likely will be a causer of death. Especially like that. I know that, okay?

I shouldn't have put my angsty thoughts out. I'm such an idiot. You all know I am. I've proven that over and over again. What else do you need? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

And for Twinkle, Ardere, Dawn, and the rest of them? I have no flipping clue. Maybe I can get into the civilization side of things with a Finny or Sparkle POV. Who knows? Not me, not you, nobody does.

I have opposing views with myself from when I started the story. But I have to just go along with the mess I created.

I'm upset, disappointed, and tired over other things too, but I won't share those things with you.

It's never gonna end, so why even bother?

Twenty One Pilots is like my life right now. Their music.. yes. Really good stuff I must say. Great at describing feelings and all that stuff.

All in all, I don't post much anymore because I basically quit.

Goodbye. <3

~ ☆Cutepups☆ ~