oh yeah hi

Hi guys. I felt like making this type of post today. I don't feel that well either. I mean besides this whole mess I created. 

So anyway, I just want to thank the few of you that still visit my blog for supporting me through all of this. Yeah, it mostly is just my feelings and crud. But then things happened. And.. yeah. Thanks guys.

 I'm sorry I repeatedly doubt you. Now that I think about it, I'm sorry for saying sorry so much (lol). It was foolish of me. 

Well, I'm still not happy. My body hurts, and I feel guilty about everything I tell you guys. And add on to the fact that so many people irl either hate me by now or completely ignore me only if I'm convenient to them, I'm not all "happy good feelings" right now. Not good at anything, screws up just about everything, called "useless" and "you are no help" on a daily basis (though it's true lol), and very self-critical.. yeah, that's cruddy old me. Kinda feel like crying, but I can't even do that. Knowing I'll never be as good as them, and also knowing it's mostly my own fault. Fun, right? :)) (yes, that was sarcasm). 

But yeah, you guys mean so much (maybe even too much) to me. I'm glad you don't know me irl. That's at least one thing that assures me. Because, yeah, isn't it great that both lies and truths hurt a lot? Isn't it great how you can't be happy either way? No, they're not great. It's silent suffering. It can't just "get better". 

If I suddenly go inactive for several days on here and the other sites you might know me on, just know that I just lost the energy to post or even go on for the time being. Except for these ventish posts. Because right now, I can't really find the energy to post about anything else. Yeah, I really hate myself right now. 

Bye. Thanks for staying. 

~ Cutepups 

.....

I can't hold on. 

There's no point in it anymore.

Everything frustrates me.

I'm so tired, but I can't sleep until late at night.

I can't even do that right. 

I'm a disappointment.

I started that advice segment for myself. 

Call me Cutepups if you still want, but I'm starting to dislike that nickname again. 

I dislike everything though. 

I never got to do so many things on here. 

I don't want to do those things now.

I don't know anymore.