more of an explanation

Okay, I feel a little better now. Comments, huh? Hmm.. Eww, sick feelings, eww.

Haha, I'm starting to get piles of college letters. What are they saying? What is this? Who are you? What so called amazing things have I done? Yeah, the questions, man, the questions..

Tomorrow is my dumb cat, Thelma's, birthday. Well, we celebrate it tomorrow. We aren't sure the exact date. She's like a groundhog, so why not? Actually, she isn't. But yeah, anyway.. why did I post this again?

Oh.. right.

Yes, I know I've been feeling cruddy for a while due to my own stupid reasons, but.. uh.. Things happened. Family things. Lot of confusion.

But it's not under our control. We just have to wait and hope things are alright in the end. Not saying what those things are; please don't ask, it's pretty personal stuff. Ok thanks.

And everywhere I go, I get thoughts about how better they are than me. Better grades, advanced classes, more involvement.. I blame myself because it is my fault. But I'm trying. And it's hard.

People are more helpful than me. They do the things I love (or used to love) better than me. They're just more successful than me.

And yeah, they have a point. They question how I'll have a future with how things are going. I never was as smart as them. I don't know what I'll do. I'm being pressured into making decisions (or at least having an idea), but I got nothing.

And having to deal with this every day.. it stresses me out.

This dreadful feeling that they're succeeding in living life while I'm not.. I don't know what to do.

I never do it right. Their expectations are always just a bit too high for me. And I have a stepladder to help me. I'm jealous; I'm selfish.

I criticize every little thing I do. I always screw it up one way or another.

And getting scolded at and seen as a disappointment almost daily. Because I didn't do that thing. Because I can't do that on my own. Because I'm not a good helper. Because I'm tired all day, and I don't know why. Because everyone knows how, but I don't. Because everyone knows their reasons, but I don't. Because I don't like doing any of my past interests anymore. Because every day is bland, and it's the same thing over and over again.

They're only proud of my arts. They know there's no point in being proud about school things and me.

By "they", I mean my family. Yeah ok. Friends in the beginning too.

Everything that's going on makes me feel more and more hopeless. Even you guys, whether you like it or not, are a part of this everything. I'm sorry, but it's true. And as more time passes by, the more realistic it seems. It's impossible for me to think about my future. Me in just a few years. And that terrifies me. More lonely and hopeless, it seems. It's not something that can be fixed. Everything has to. I'm leading myself to this. And all these "how are you _____ if _____?" questions. I don't know!

Academics are everything. Grades are everything. They're the base to how things will happen in the future. That's how society works. And I'm not even that good. It just stresses me out. Everything does, it seems.

I feel really bad about myself.

I can't think of anything else to say right now.

My head hurts.

Bye.