Growing Up Into Sadness

Hello there. It is me. Cutepups. Why yes, I have this weird online nickname. Cute + pups = Cutepups. Yes hi. 

So anyway, you know them characters, right? Fierdan, Duke, Twinkle, Dawn, Fauna, Ardere, Finny, etc.? Well, I imagine how their voices sound in my head. 

(Mm, yes, I love my Danny bae senpai. Mm.. tasteful ;D <3) 

So anyway, I was thinking of story events at the end of the story. Like when all those deaths occur. There are a lot. I'm so cruel, oh my gosh. 

And, oh god, the voice cracks. "No, don't go!" Yeah, Duke crying about Ardere in this certain scene. Such sadness. Duke destroys everything. Ugh, that's right. Not revealing the rest of the spoilers I didn't say yet. But, oh god, the voice cracks. (I might need your help ;n;) 

And now I'm crying over the voices of them Fierdans. Um.. I base how I imagine my characters' voices on people who are dear to me irl combined with some of my favorite characters from TV shows (and anime.. oh yes) and singers (from my favorite bands). It's a combination of a whole lot of characters and people for just one of my characters. 

(Now I'm imagining Fierdan saying that other language stuff in that scene. hhhh ;n;) 

(None of you know how heartwrenching this is to me. Why yes, I'm starting to become interested in Twinkle's Story again. And now, that title makes sense. Beginning events to events happening now.. it all connects. And it's just so sad. Only to me probably because I'm the weird writer and all, but nonetheless, the feels. It hurts, okay? </3) 

So, back to the title of this post. All the main characters (I'm just gonna focus on Duke and Twinkle for now, but it includes the other characters too) are like the people irl that contributed to me creating the voice (literally and in the figurative sense), and myself (all the main characters have a part of me in them). So, now that I'm older and more mature than when I started this story almost 2 years ago, my characters (especially Duke and Twinkle) have grown up and are mature now too.

And with my depressing feelings I've exaggeratedly put onto Duke and Fierdan, that makes it even more obvious. Same with Twinkle, but not to the same intensity. 

Compared to last year, they've changed so much. Like take for instance Duke. Last year I was making a chapter of him peeing on a freaking cactus for a reason I don't even remember. And in the RIM commercial skits, he was crazy. His "other face" was this goofy ugly character who I named Puke. Now take Duke now. I changed him so much in a year. It's pretty amazing if you think about it. Now he's this subconscious causer of destruction and death. (Ah, I'm listening to Blurryface songs (ToP) right now. hhhh ;n;). And his real "other face" is reality. 

No, I'm not even saying Fierdan. I'm not sure if you figured it out yet, but Duke's "other face" is reality. Which makes writing this story even the more painful for me. And how I bring my frustration out in him too. Like, gah, he's where I store my own dark thoughts. Not just Fierdan's. But everything, everything bad, pours into him. And yeah, his "other face" is reality. The knowledge of realizing who he is, the reality of it all, with Fierdan, Soulless, and being the ultimate puppet of melancholy. Now that is Duke's actual "other face". (Blurryface.. hhhh ;n; <3). Because, in reality, he is anything but a character of happiness and hope and anything positive. The chapters before this whole Fierdan and Soulless thing started, before the reality began, were before Duke knew who he is. And when the reality hit, the sadness started. And the puzzle pieces started to form together. He knows more, he grew up more, and now he's sad in more ways than ten. Maybe more than Fierdan. 

And to add on to that, Duke is neither fox or human. He's actually nothing. All this time before he knew the truth of his identity, he thought he was normal. He thought he was just a normal, average fox (aka human to us). And he never understood the reasons why he had a traumatic childhood (his "parents", the abuse, seeing all those deaths..). He never understood why he had that marking on his heart. He never understood why he sought to behavior which we would see as suicidal at such a young age. (I'm crying over this, help me please :'c). 

After 14 years does he finally know why. Who knows, maybe if he knew all along, he wouldn't be so "normal" in the beginning of the story. And that's because he didn't know anything about his true identity back then. Only when Fierdan and Soulless enter his life, does he figure it out. 

It's kinda like this: 

"I'm a normal dude with risky behavior!" and then being told something and being all like, "My entire "life" is a lie; I'm not human!" 

That's like with Duke and all. With "fox" being the equivalent to "human" basically. 

And with all of this new knowledge and all, of course Duke can't just carry on and be "normal" like before. It's like a death sentence.. and he does get that too. Knowing that can only result in feeling sad, broken, negative, depressed.. and that's how I've been feeling for the past several months. In the months when I took great focus into Fierdan and Soulless connecting with Duke. See, every little thing connects. 

And I'm not happy like I was a year ago or two years ago. Just like Duke, I can't just turn back and pretend that things will get easier and simpler. But to tell you the truth, they're not. The older you get, the harder it is. I started this story in middle school. A few months later,  I started high school. And Duke, Twinkle, and any other main characters grew more mature in my head, to relate to me more because they are parts of who I am. And towards the end of the school year last year, into the summer, and all the way to now, I've grown more mature, more older, more sad, more tired, less funny, less cool, less happy. And that's what my characters are doing. Because they literally are several parts of who I am. And that Duke part.. well, that part is hidden from anyone who isn't me. Because explaining that part can't simply be put into words. Because he, he is the part of me that stores pain (past, present, future), thoughts, breakdowns, vents.. anything that's bad. Because that's who he is. He's made of every dark thought. Fierdan's and mine. 

Duke is the symbol of hell. Like yeah, I'd like to get rid of those parts of me that fall into the Duke part of me. But they can't just go. Pain, it sticks with you. Memories, fears.. they don't leave. They refuse to. They stay. You want it all gone, but it clings onto you for the rest of your life. That's what Duke symbolizes. That's what Duke is to me. This is also another reason I like to type about him so much. I can't let go...

This whole growing up into sadness thing relates to Twinkle as well. Knowing more about her identity, she's now lost in who she is. She's not as happy and simple and "normal" as in the beginning. Just like Duke; just like me. And like Duke, what she thought was her life, was nothing more than a lie. Not as many lies as with Duke of course, but plenty of them nonetheless. 

I'm typing this at midnight with tears in my eyes. I am not okay. Help me. Just thinking about it is painful. None of you can fully understand because you're not me. But, gah, this is heartwrenching to me. :'( 

Take care, alright? 

~ Cutepups ^-^