Pageviews, Changes, and Ramblings

Hey guys. I'm back.. even though I told myself I would leave. Yay..?

So, first things first. We're at 89,000+ pageviews right now. Very close to 90,000. Which means close to 100,000 pageviews. 100,000. Wow.. that's pretty awesome! :D 

Now onto changes. So, if you probably already noticed, I changed the pages gadget and added two pages back on top. Yeah okay. I'm gonna change the header one of these days, and depending on what it'll end up like, I might change the background as well. Maybe I'll do some changes to my Blogger profile too. Okay cool. 

Oh and just like usual, I'm stressing over school things. I don't have school tomorrow and on Monday. That's good, but that doesn't make the stress over these school things go away. I've been stressed over these things ever since the school year started. Actually, before September. When I'm not "on" the sites you know I'm on, I'm probably doing those school things. Having conversations with my close friend, which just result in making me more worried. So that's great, huh? (It's not. These anxious thoughts will never leave. Instead, it grows bigger as the time passes. Being indecisive and not knowing is gonna cause the end of me. Junior year already? Forced to know now. Frick.. :/)

On other news, the weather news just said it's supposed to drop down to nearly zero either tomorrow or Saturday (I forgot which day.. maybe both). The weather during this winter is some weird shiz. This must mean the end, guys. Nice knowing you. This is the end. Sayonara. Adios. Ciao. Au revoir. Shalom. ~insert other languages here~ Goodbye. 

Haha, not really. But, I don't know if it's just me, but the world in general seems so doomed nowadays. Oh right, weather. In December, it was usually in the fifties and sixties (warm for this time of year). In January, it suddenly dropped to normal winter temperatures (thirties and forties). There was also this snowstorm that resulted in getting over two feet of snow. And now in February, the temperature is dropping to nearly zero degrees. This weather though. Weird shiz. 

In other news too. Like in politics. How there's people out there who make there be a controversy over other fellow people having human rights. And would rather kill people and start a war than care about their own people. It's just.. sick. People these days. :( 

I'm also back to being lonely again. Back to being that temporary "only child" again. Oh well. 

So, if you're wondering why I can't just stop thinking and being so pessimistic (aka all of you lol), think about it like this. Literally everything, everywhere, reminds me of the reasons why I'm pessimistic. In real life a whole lot more than online, but they're in both. It's everywhere and it never ends. I'm so pathetic and selfish, believe me I know. Just talking to people reminds me of these reasons. Sure, school things are involved, but it's not just that. It's basic stuff. Like, ahem, identity. Goals in life, for the future. How I'll live my life when I finish my schooling. Because, you know what? I have no freaking clue. Everyone else I know irl (definitely including people younger than me) has at least a bit more knowledge of this stuff than me. They all know who they are, what they want to do, what their interests are.. all that stuff. I don't know. The only thing I really have for me is.. what? They're better, you're better, they know more, you know more, they have ideas in mind, you have ideas in mind. It's the same. 

And a few weeks ago, some changes happened in my family. Like how that drastic thing happened to some of my family's cousins in another country. And we don't know if they're okay or not. Or if things are back to normal for them now. And that crisis going down there too. And with these politics nowadays. One of them is kinda famous. (I'm not saying what the things are and what country.. it's pretty personal family stuff.) And this whole big event involving my family's other cousins had to be rescheduled. Oh and then the stuff going on with those other cousins. And then these changes happening in my own immediate family. Lot of stress going on. (I'm not explaining in more detail.)

Haha, this post sure is gonna give me anxiety. Fun.. :))

I don't even know why I'm so personal on here. It's not like any of you even care, or deserve to know. But hey, this is my blog. I'm a rebel. I don't just abandon my main blog when I no longer have interest in AJ. I adapt, I change. That's probably a bad idea, but I don't care. This is my sad excuse for a blog, and I can post whatever I want to. It's kinda like an online diary for me. Haha, strange old me. 

Oh wait. Don't get me wrong. Not everything in my life is terrible. Definitely not. Family things especially. Like hey, I'll actually be able to take driving lessons in a few months. We (well, my parents and me) are finally able to go on vacation during spring break. We're going to a concert together, all of us, this summer. My sister is graduating college this spring. Yeah, I'm proud of them. They're great, okay. 

(Rambling to self, not aimed at any of you). And then there's me. Oh look, downfalls. What do I have to offer? From my knowledge, there's nothing. How can I make you proud of me like you're proud of them? How can I be successful? How can I make you notice me like you notice them? How can I transcend the level of mediocrity, so you can finally be proud of me like you're proud of them? I've disappointed you over and over again. And, oh god, I'm sorry. You told me I was improving, but am I really? I made the same mistakes again. I'm not like them in that way. Was I flying high once? Did a barrier cause me to plummet back down to the terror of reality? I'm small and terrified. You say you're proud of me for what I've done those few times, but I can't help but to see right through them. You think I'm great those few times, but I'm really not. Stop glorifying me with your praise, I don't deserve it. Only those writings do. Because those things are 100% me. Those other things are not. Lies, everything I do is a lie. You don't know me. Dreams aren't comforting (the ones in sleep and those ones about the future). They're disturbing. I've pushed the few friends that actually care about me enough to actually start a conversation with me away. I want to be left alone, but not from these thoughts. Leave me alone, but not like that. Get it? Can't you see me? I'm right in front of you. You've known me for the past 15 years. But there's so much you don't know. I want you to see me. Am I invisible to you? How can I be good enough for you? What is preventing me from achieving it? Tell me please. How can I fly again if you're no longer by my side? Why did you go? I miss you. 

Haha, my thoughts. Aren't they so great? :)) 

Until our paths meet again,

~ S.