lol time wtf

........ It's the last day of May now. Somehow. 

How did that happen? Where did the time go? Tomorrow is June? 

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

lol wtf that's so weird. that's crazy. may.. over. june.. tomorrow. wtf. 

I'm so tired. Had to do things yesterday (Wednesday), I worked on and finished some stuff, but my stress and anxiety levels are rising again despite that. 

I'm not really "ok" lmao. Hi, what's up? How you doing? I'm scared of what's gonna happen to me in the next few weeks. I'm scared of everything, haha ha. 

And I'm annoying. And stupid. And just.. why. "Cutepups, Blue, Spirit, Ghost"- just.. why. Online names.. why. *sigh* :/ 

At least my projects for school aren't that awful. They're.. manageable, I guess. "I can do this"- hell yeah, say that motivation thing (@ me). 

I still feel incompetent and so stupid though lmao. 

I just want a peaceful rest. I'm so tired. So, so tired. 

I want my mind to shut up. I want my fears to end. I want to not hate myself even more when I realize how irrational my thoughts and beliefs can get. I want to be truly happy without worrying about when I'll crash down next. 

I'm very tired of so much about me. It's getting harder by the day to stand myself. 

Well, at least my parents haven't been fighting for a few days. At least that's something good. 

I'm scared I'm ruining my own life due to my (in)decisions. 

.......... and writing my feelings and thoughts down barely helps me anymore. 

nothing is really helping. 

tired. bye. 

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz~~ 

school again but hey

Eww, school's today. And it's a B day. *sigh*

But hey. Hi. Hello. 

Yesterday wasn't all that bad. I wasn't bored all day at least, haha. 

Went to this nice restaurant in a fancy hotel. Yeah. Nice. 

Saw the riverside. Nice view. It was nice. Yeah. 

I'm so tired of school lmao. I won't have much time to post this week probably. For some reason, I have the feeling I have to do a project in all my classes I have today (B day). And I'm already so tired. 

I still gotta finish something for college by the end of this week. So I'm utterly terrified about that too. 

Ugh. I just want to have more time to draw and finally write a new chapter. But do I have that kind of time nowadays? Nope. 

............... ok so! If you're curious about the voice I heard in my dream from a few nights ago, I had a very messed up, inappropriate for me to be dreaming of (ok but..) dream of.. uh....

Well, you see, it was either this man character (maybe it was Taurel? idk) or Soulless looking more like a human than usual. 

..... I think it was Soulless. Their voice.. scary. Uh, I don't know how to describe it. I didn't like it lmao. 

Soulless's voice sounded very different than at any point where Fierdan is being threatening. Like, dang, Soulless's voice is so much worse. At least I can stand every other character's voice. But theirs? No can do. 

So why was Soulless talking in my dream? Well, ah.. he was being violent (of course) with Fierdan or Duke. Maybe both of them. Uh, I'm not sure. Probably Fierdan though. 

Anyway, what Soulless says never makes sense. Do they have logic? No. 

Saying something about a god or not being a god. How Fierdan can handle what Soulless was doing to him because he's a god (yeah idfk what that means either lmao). Or how Fierdan is in so much pain because Fierdan isn't actually a god (wtf does this mean because idk). 

Umm.. god. ...... god dang it, Cutepups. I hate this. 

Haha, ahhhhh. Bye. 

~ Cutepups 

Monday music time (idfk)

Oh, right. The camp/picnic was okay. Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I actually wasn't all alone, haha. (My close school friend didn't go, so..) But we didn't spend much time there. We left so late, smh. 

Blah, blah, blah........ and now it's Monday. No school today. It's Memorial Day. 

Sleeping? Nah. Not really a fan of that. 

So.. how about some more music spam? For no reason? Umm.. lol? 

(I feel so alone right now, and it's killing me. Even though I've just finished messaging friends and being around my family downstairs. Like, damn, this feeling sucks. Can I be like.. understood? Genuinely? Like.. lmao? What's that like?) 

(Ah, fvck it.) 

Monday music (that nobody cares about but me). Enjoy another one of my obnoxious posts. 

(Oh and- sorry.) 

Mm music. That's cool. Sure.

Silhouette~ Aquilo 

Take on the World~ You Me At Six 

Liability~ Lorde 

Wish That You Were Here~ Florence + The Machine 

The Dark~ Beth Crowley 

Hearts~ Jessie Ware 

. . . . . . 

I need to hear someone. To distract me from my own thoughts. So I can get some actual sleep.

(I want some of my thoughts out of my head. I want the voice I heard in my dream out of my head. They're haunting me. They hurt me.) 

These songs are vaguely related to how I feel right now. That, or they give me new thoughts about my story characters in certain scenes. Of course. What else? 

(idfk. whatever. bye.)

~ Cutepups ... 

mer-me

Hi. I'm going on a field trip to a camp/picnic tomorrow (Friday). Hopefully, it'll be fun and worth it. 

I started drawing my characters as mermaids. This is a rough sketch. I drew Twinkle and Dawn. 

Wow,, I love them??!! 

<3 <3 

I started with Twinkle, which means I had more energy while drawing her, which means she currently looks better drawn than Dawn. 

I'm planning on adding seaweed to Dawn's hair. 

Mermaid AU? Hmm.. perhaps. 

(Anyway, I'm so tired and sweaty. Eww.) 

I tried drawing the second half of that Fierdan inception skit (lol), but it's hard to draw them. I don't think I draw them (and by that, I mean Kid Danny and Kid Duke) good enough. :( 

I will explain the meaning behind it. One day. I will. I swear. 

*pause in the post* 

So on Wednesday, I had to get dress alterations. I guess you might be wondering what this strange blogger looks like in person? 

As a matter of fact, I'm a weird ass ugly fool. Ugly ghost skeleton. That's me. 

I could only take pictures of me wearing the dress when the lady started to unzip it at top. So if you think it looks.. odd, that's probably why. 

So yeah, that's my prom dress. I'm gonna wear that. Nice, huh? Hmm. Ok. 

Now you guys can see me and remind yourselves of the posts I made not too long ago about my cursed and aching body. :-) 

I look awful. ;-/ 

I look like an aching ghost trapped in a human skeleton, don't you think? 

Anyway, I'm ugly. Bye. 

I love that shade of blue too much. Actually no, the shade of blue looks different in person than it does on my phone pictures. It looks brighter in person. 

Welp, that's what 18 year old Cutepups looks like. Looking.. bad. 

I'm so tired. I'm always tired. I'm tired of school. I want to rest. 

I'll regret posting this, but whatever. Bye now. 

Created New Polls

To the anon who wanted new polls: hi, I created some new ones. 

Apparently, Blogger isn't that good since it got rid of its own poll gadget. And so I had to search up "poll generator" and had to create my own polls on another site. I tried a few times to find a good site that allows me to insert my poll information and not just have them as links. You don't have to click any series of links to find the polls- you just have to view this blog in web version (so not on mobile phones, basically) and look on the right. 

Please vote lol. 

-------

I'm in love with fantasy and the idea of having wings. That sounds pretty epic. I'll love me some wings.

..... but in everyday life, I would probably go with the fangs. 

Haha yeah. Ummmmm hot. 

-------- 

Dress alterations are expensive.

Hmm, don't like that very much. 

---------

Anyway, I love Dawn and Twinkle so much. Yes. I love them, too. Just so you know. 

Bye.

Eighteen

Been alive for 18 years now 

Couldn't imagine myself making it 

Reaching here 

But I somehow did

I made it

I didn't die before I turned 18 

I made it 

The 7 turned into an 8

I'm not too late 

I still got time 

So called adult now

Whatever that's supposed to mean 

Kinda hard to believe 

To tell you the truth 

I'm 18 now 

And yet again

I didn't know how or if

I would make it

But I did 

I did make it 

I made it 

I made it

I made it 

I made myself 

I built myself up

Happy birthday, me. 

so this is it

Well, it actually is almost my birthday. 

(Cutepups is like 18 now.. what the heck!!) 

Anyway, that's wild. It's been a year since.. last year. Wow, wow, wow! 

Haha, last year me. :') stressing out about the road test. got my license now. now I'm stressing over college stuff. :') life sure is great. :')

(Cutepups, you're like so old. Get your life together, you fool!) 

Yeah. True that. 

Oh, I got to see my prom dress today. Hmm.. it pretty. Gonna get it altered on Wednesday. Because that's what you gotta do. 

Ugh, I have a test tomorrow. It probably won't be that bad. I hope. ...yeah! 

For so long, it was hard to imagine myself making it to 18. And here I am. Turning 18. Me. 18. But it's happening. It's actually happening. 

Me? An "adult"? Hahahaha... wow! That's a wildly funny concept. 

I'm tired lol. 

Peace!~ 

actually... nah.

Hi. Sorry for never keeping up with my promises. 

I don't have time to write a chapter. Not now. I have so much to do. 

I'm so scared and so screwed. I really don't want the end of May to come now. 

I mean I do, but.. I'm scared. 

Umm.......

I'll try to draw the second half of the skit as soon as I can. I want to draw it, haha. 

Oh and it's MerMay. I've been thinking of drawing my characters as merpeople for that. 

(It's when/where (idk?) you draw mermaids.) 

The concept of my characters being like that.. aww haha that's cute. c: 

So I got shoes and clothes this weekend. Like I said. About the shoes. 

Went to my cousin's 1 year old birthday party. She's cute. Uhh ok so yeah. 

Celebrated my birthday yesterday, I guess. Heh. 

Tomorrow.. oh geez. 

Ok gotta go. Bye now. 

~ Cutepups 

xxx

weren't expecting this huh

Hey guys. 

It's Friday. Nice. 

After school today, I suddenly thought of the story chapters. More specifically, Chapter 76.

For someone who hasn't written the chapter yet, I sure do have plenty of posts that show up when I type "chapter 76" in the blog searchbar. 

(+ 1 for this new post)

Well anyway, I don't really understand my story plans anymore. The plans I had for Chapter 76 are such a mess, and I'm rereading them like, "wtf was I thinking?" lmao. 

Rereading my so called plans for Fierdan's POV confused me so much. What was I thinking? Half of what I said doesn't even make sense lmao. 

I'm probably just gonna scratch like half of those ideas, to be honest. Either that, or add them in another chapter altogether. 

I still plan on making the chapter long. 

Viewers: So, Cutepups, is the *checks blog* 9- almost 10- month story writing hiatus over? 

Me: .... maybe. It really depends on how long this motivation will stay with me. 

Omg.. what if I somehow (but I think it's unlikely tbh) post Chapter 76 by my birthday? It'll be like a birthday gift from me to you. On my birthday. Hi, have a new chapter. 

I'm pretty busy though. I still have things to worry about. 

I'm busy this weekend: 

• birthday party for a 1 year old cousin lol

• celebrating my birthday with my family lol

• shoe shopping lol

• and other stuff lmao 

Anyway,, all my characters are so gorgeous and beautiful. Like dang,, hot,,,,, 

Hoping on ending it with a bang. ;) 

Emotions,, fvck me up,,,,,, 

Fierdan,, hhhh hot,,, gorgeous wreck babe,,,,, 

Ryen,, what a,,, nerd,,,,, 

Ardere,, precious boy,,, good boy,,,,,

Twinkle and Dawn,, just yes,,, my queens,,,,,,

Oh and there's also Duke. Haha yeah. 

Here are some songs of my current mood about my thoughts of writing again after so long. (uh huh what--)

Friday,, music spam time,,,, <3 

See What I've Become~ Zack Hemsey 

Who Will Save You Now~ Les Friction 

Kill V. Maim~ Grimes 

Unstoppable~ RED (cover?) 

Vengeance~ Zack Hemsey 

They currently remind me of specific scenes I want to include in Chapter 76. Haha ahh. ^-^" 

That's it. Bye. 

oh.. hello.

Well, I haven't made a new post in a few days. I forgot why I didn't post sooner. 

I won't be talking about that skit now. I'd rather write a post explaining the second half of the skit after I have drawn some art from it.

But since it possibly relates to a point I want to make, I'll say this about Fierdan/Danny: 

One of his character flaws (that I first didn't know I was doing but am doing purposefully now) is that he reacts.. uh.. inappropriately to blame. And what I mean by that is he either shifts the blame onto other people (or, Soulless *cough*) for things he did.. or the opposite in which he blames himself too much for things out of his control. 

The former should be pretty familiar if you're caught up with my story chapters. Especially the longer talk Fierdan had with Fauna, the flashback with Dawn thinking Fierdan is obsessed with killing even after he killed his father (Z doesn't deserve to live, ok lol) and how he says those regular people are just as evil for glorifying his father, and how he talks to Duke sometimes. Like.. Fierdan blames so much for what he did on Soulless and Z. He mainly says they're abusive, tried to kill him, took any sign of a good life he could've had, and that they're manipulating him all the time. 

The latter wasn't really mentioned much in my published chapters so far except at the end of Fauna's POV in Chapter 75. And that main point about blame is what I plan on dragging into Chapter 76 in Fierdan's POV. What point? Fierdan knowing a rather decent amount of anatomy (bones, organs, etc.) due to breaking apart people's bodies (yeah.. body horror *cough*), and how he finally tells another person that he actually hates what he chose to do. He hates how back then he had such an intense fear of himself dying that he would severely hurt others, so that he wouldn't get as physically hurt as much by Soulless. Soulless wanted Fierdan to hurt and kill others, which Fierdan did because if he didn't, Soulless would "punish" him (which is extremely painful physically). And Fierdan knows all too well how much pain he feels as a result of Soulless getting disappointed in him. It's very, very painful. 

When he's Danny, he blames himself far more than blaming others. Which is a good thing at first, but it turns unhealthy to the extent he brings it to. Sorry, I don't feel like explaining any further details about it in story 2. It's not just about him blaming Soulless and Z for being violent with people and ultimately killing them usually in vicious ways. It's so much more. 

Like.. uh.. I totally understand if you're reading the chapters I already wrote and can't sympathize with Fierdan. He technically is a bad guy. He did/does very f*cked up things that would be hard to forgive him for. I actually hate him in story 1 quite a lot. 

But when I go more into his character, especially his past as Pre-Fierdan and his younger years in project world hell, I start liking him so much more. And in story 2, I find it hard to not at least start sympathizing with him and feeling some pain from just how he is as a character. Because he is a character of various types of pains. And, wow, it hurts me. He hurts me lol. 

So how does any of that relate to me? Well, you see, I also react inappropriately to blame. I realized that I either refuse to admit it all is my fault by blaming whatever it is on other people (I just do this irl so none of you guys would really get that).. or I am too critical of myself and blame myself for things I don't have 100% under my control. 

So.. yeah. Heh. 

Sunday and Monday were pretty good days. I, dare I say, felt positive and happy? 

But by Tuesday, that all vanished. It's gone again. 

It hurt so much this time. I felt more than just "okay" and now I don't anymore. And it sucks! It really fvcking sucks! 

Next Tuesday is my birthday. Wow. Less than a week till then. I didn't expect to live this long lol. 18. 

On Tuesday, I forgot to do things I never forgot to do before. They're little things, but like.. I never forgot to do those things before. I felt so stupid after realizing I forgot to do them. (smh) 

Sunday was Mother's Day. It was a nice day. 

I was the only one in my family who could finish my hibachi dinner at the restaurant lmao. No one else did. That's.. new. Pfft. 

I'm watching more shows. 

But now I have quite a few projects to do for school. They either got assigned yesterday or today. And I know I'm getting more soon. 

Ugh, I'm so tired of projects. 

I'm surrounded by so much negativity (myself and the people I'm around daily) that I'm not used to anything else. Being around people who aren't depressing.. what's that like? It's really taking a toll on my health and my hope that there's more to life than despair. 

Maybe I don't deserve to be real close with any "positive thinking" people. It'll probably be harder for me to relate to those kinds of people, but man, I'm so tired of all this negativity I'm around 24/7 basically. 

I'm so negative. Why would any "positive thinking" people, people without anxious and depressing thoughts out loud all the time, want to hang out with me? What do I have to offer? Nothing. I have nothing to give them. 

I'm getting awesome things and compliments ("[Cutepups] is so cool!") and for what? Do I even deserve that? Probably not, but what do I know? 

I know I'm not alone. Over the past few weeks, it's been affirmed by people irl and not just online. I know I'm not the only one who's scared of what's to come after graduation and in college. 

But despite all that, I feel so lonely. No matter who I talk to, I feel lonely. I feel like I can't really talk all about myself without feeling even more self-centered than I already feel. I feel manipulative for talking about myself personally. 

And like.. I know I have to talk about myself to become closer to people and have, like, friendships. But after hiding so much of my interests and identity for so many years, it feels nearly impossible for me to ever do that. 

Am I destined to always be alone? Because, I swear, I hate the loneliness. 

To be honest, whenever any of my friends mention their other friends that they just recently talked to and hung out with to me, I feel so inadequate and it just fuels my depressing thoughts. It's very sh¡tty for me to be like that, I know. I just want to be good enough to have friends that are happy and aren't so negative about anything. 

Sorry. 

I'll end the post here. Bye. 

Fierdan skit explanation (1/2)

Hi, I decided to just explain that skit I wrote on Wednesday as a whole. 

(psst,, it's all sad to say the least) 

But first, I took closer shots of what I drew on Friday.:

 

It's from when C. Fierdan first kicks the chair leg and yells "weak!" and yeah ahh. 

And: 

I'm gonna talk about this one later on in the post. 

Alright, so, where to begin.... ..................... (dang it, cutepups!) 

Me: *folds hands together, sits in a metaphorical office because of me being so official* I'm here to Explain TM. 

Viewers: Ok but why--

Me: *slams down fist on metaphorical office desk* Because I want to! 

Viewers: But aren't you typing this in your bed? 

Me: Yes. Yes I am. 

Viewers: Then how are you in an office? 

Me: It's called imagination. Let me dream! 

Viewers: Ok, ok. Geez. Just get on with your post. 

Me: Fine! 

Viewers: ......

Me: :) anyway... my fire guy.... hhhhh 

*cough, cough, cough* 

the HECKING skit lol

Now that I've been thinking about it, I think I suddenly came up with this whole skit idea because I wanted to reference some of the important parts from my story 2 concept and write them out in skit form. 

The significance the two halves of the skit have.. well, it's all about his character throughout story 2. 

And the keywords are "perception" and "reaction".

And I know I mention "story 2" a lot, but that's because I like thinking about it and how great my thoughts about it are. Like.. it's so good?? Umm yes please. Good stuff right there. Mm omg. 

(i'm sorry, i'm very tired.)

The first half (the conversation between C. Fierdan and Fierdan) is supposed to be the alternative skit universe version of a scene in story 2 which would be the story universe. 

What they were talking about is something that happens in story 2. 

(but will i ever finish story 1? lmao) 

Unlike in my skits, there isn't really a properly named Fierdan and C. Fierdan character. There isn't even a Duke character in story 2. Duke is long gone, bye bye. 

So in this skit I'm talking about, the Fierdan character is supposed to be (one of my favorite characters in story 2 overall) this character that goes by the name Danny. And like I said before, Fierdan = Danny. He just switches his name, haha. Because.. nicknames. People can prefer some over the others. Y'know? Yeah. 

And the C. Fierdan skit character is really just called Fierdan in story 2.. until much later, but that's a whole other post topic. 

So in story 2, a good part of it is about Danny separating himself from his past (so basically everything that happened in story 1). He distants himself so much that his past self is like another person entirely. 

To put it very shortly, he traumatized himself. 

He can't even accept calling himself, or others calling him, Fierdan. Because of how much it reminds him of everything that happened in story 1 to the end. 

To put it very shortly, he hates his past self (Fierdan) a lot and tries to separate that part of him from his current self (called Danny). 

I know I'm pretty bad at drawing probably, but here's why I drew Fierdan (Danny) and C. Fierdan (Fierdan) looking so different. 

(just gonna use their story 2 names lol) 

When Danny is out of [project world hell] he starts separating himself from his "life" in Cincernum (aka black goop hell). He cleans himself up, and.. well.. he looks nothing like how he looked in Cincernum. For example, he ditches all the black clothes and the cloak/blanket, and he gets his hair to look much less like a mess. Because his hair was a mess back in Cincernum. Like seriously. Cincernum is a filthy place lmao. Nothing like white-walled, white-floored, special official place that story 2 is in. 

Compared to Danny, Fierdan is like a different person. Fierdan (all the way to the end of story 1) has an intimidating aura around him. Like.. he looks scary and tough af to how Danny looks. Danny gets scared of Fierdan, and he never wants to be like him. 

Like.. lol.. one of the last main things Fierdan does in story 1 is end the DUKE fusion. Fierdan, after so much help from Fauna to physically appear as a living person, kills Duke. And honestly, I think Duke's death is the worst (most graphic probably) out of all the deaths. Like.. it's brutal. Very painful. Which makes sense because he's Duke lol. 

Anyway, Duke had to die. Unfortunately, only like that (smh they're so extra). But then later, Danny learns that killing Duke messed him up. Like lol, he got fucked up. 

(what was i saying.. shit..) 

Well, Fierdan (C. Fierdan) is supposed to look like a haunted memory of a person. I know I drew his hair looking thick and idk pretty nice (?) but it's supposed to be a tangled mess with it not being neat at all. And it's even darker because of the black goop in it. 

(god, i am so tired..) 

The black around his eyes is supposed to be from the black goop or how much sleep he never gets. Or it might also be because of Soulless repeatedly hurting him for so many years. Just so you're aware, it's not makeup that makes his eyes look like that. It's supposed to lowkey look gross. 

And he's wearing (filthy *cough*) all black clothes from Cincernum. I drew the black shirt to have rips and loose threads, so it just looks like a worn down shirt. But it's a filthy shirt. Cincernum.. bad place. 

So compare that to Danny who has a cleaner face and hair overall. And Danny is wearing a white shirt. Which is the opposite of a black shirt. Because.. disconnection.. oh hmm. 

So, there's a problem in story 2 and the main characters (including Danny of course).. well, their lives are awful and everything is inconvenient because of who they are. They have to live in hiding, and getting in and out of their.. place is a giant hassle. According to the government and law, they're basically very bad criminals. Why? To sum it up, it's because the main characters have Elemental Powers which of course deviates them from regular citizens. And everything is corrupt because that's how life is. 

(i'm so tired lmao wtf is this shit) 

One way to "solve" the issue Danny and the rest of his group (people like Dawn, Ryen, Stella (that's Twinkle btw), etc, etc.) is if he just gives in to how he lived as Fierdan and kill all the main people making his and the group's lives so difficult and inconvenient. 

There's so much unfairness and injustice in the system. Like.. bruh. 

(it's hard for me to stay awake, but i have so much more to discuss :^( what shall i do) 

Since Danny is desperately seeking any other way to solve the problem (aka not using black fire and/or weapons and killing people or at least not violence), he imagines his past Fierdan self looking at him and being like, "you're weak!" and mocking him for turning soft and fragile. Because like if he could kill Duke (which is his creation TM), killing other people would mean nothing compared to that. But Danny is trying to heal from everything that happened back in [project world hell]. And he does not want to become like how he was back then. 

In a way, Danny's nightmares/flashbacks/imagination of Fierdan kinda remind me of Soulless being cruel to him. But instead of another person terrorizing him, it's just his past self. Yikes. 

"I don't want to become you"- Danny doesn't want his identity to be like his under the name of Fierdan. Because back then, he could blame it on Soulless or even on Duke. But now in story 2, he's whole and can control all his actions without being manipulated or in fear of being harmed physically/mentally by Soulless. If he does kill, then it's all his plan and idea. 

Danny doesn't want his "real, core" identity to be like Fierdan. Because, well, living as Fierdan ended up being one big long ass traumatic event for him. So, like, of course he doesn't want to be that. He despises Fierdan. He thinks he's a monster for what he did in the past. It screwed him up. 

Danny doesn't want to become like his past self. He refuses to face Fierdan and accept that it's in the past and doesn't affect his current self in the present moment. Fierdan is like a fear, and Danny is too afraid to face it head-on. 

Until later on in story 2. Yeah, it's complicated. I know. 

I worded this so badly lmao sorry. 

(so.. tired..... zzz) 

I'll explain why the Kid Danny half of the skit is actually very sad and heartbreaking in another post. 

Bye. 

first half skit art

Ok hi. 

I started drawing it around 2 hours after I came home from school. I spent around 4 hours drawing and coloring today (just pretend it's still Friday). 

I drew some more, but they look so much worse. And this art I'm gonna show here already looks so bad. 

It's like I can't draw or write anything good these days. I hate my art! (sorrynotsorry) 

I also wanted to draw parts of the first half of that skit. Which means drawing C. Fierdan and Fierdan. 

The parentheses are their names in story 2. At least what Fierdan/Danny calls those versions of himself. 

(bad art op :/) 

so yeah, here: 

(i'm so tired, ugh) 

From the C. Fierdan and Fierdan half of the skit, I first felt like drawing these two parts from it. 

I lost nearly all my energy and motivation to finish drawing this so quickly it's not even funny. Like, yikes, the quality of this is absolute garbage. 

(idk why but i feel kinda bad right now? like, lol, nothing is alright. but ok haha whatever. idk how i feel anymore. can't trust my feelings. and i really am out there being an embarrassment as a living. an ugly, obnoxious, embarrassment who's always wrong.) 

A n y w a y . . . . 

I chose these two parts because they're basically the skit version of what Fierdan (uh, Danny.. wtf is his name lol) goes through in scenes from story 2. I only slightly changed some things for the skit. 

But the general context is quite the same. 

I didn't feel like drawing Fierdan's eyes. Just pretend they're behind his hair. idk. It's supposed to be inspired from the look of an anime character in a scene.. pfft lmao. 

(fierdan is an anime character :3 owo jk jk omg pls no) 

I don't know art style consistency. Their faces are so very different. Their hair styles all look different. So like.. wtf is going on, Cutepups? 

C. Fierdan: looks like a goth mom 

Fierdan: looks like the eyeless son 

Fierdan is actually supposed to be at least a few months older than C. Fierdan. 

(yeah ok sure lmao) 

When Fierdan was in Cincernum, his hair got pretty long. Like, the full length of his hair is.. long. 

I was going to possibly reveal that better in a story chapter. Yikes, I haven't written one of those in like forever. 

He likes having it appear much shorter though. In Cincernum, his hair basically becomes the same color as everything else surrounding him, so it blends in easily. 

Being in Cincernum for several years (lots of years) and having just regular short hair just seems.. unrealistic. Sorry oops. It's not like he can get a haircut or have the tools to give himself one. 

I had so much trouble deciding how I should draw the C. Fierdan on the right's hair. So that.. thing with the hair happened. 

..... ' talk later. bye. 

xxx

i'll write more about it later, but

[I'm referring to that weird, probably confusing, skit I put in my last post. I don't feel like explaining it all right now.] 

Ok, well, here goes.... 

The first half of the skit with skit characters Fierdan and C. Fierdan vaguely reference the big conflict I have for the story 2. Except in story 2, the Fierdan skit character is called Danny, and the C. Fierdan skit character is just called Fierdan. 

Are you confused? What were they talking about? .... Good, you're not supposed to know what they meant. Man, I love being vague. 

I'll go into more detail about all that later.

If you think anything I write in this story universe would only be sunshine and rainbows (aka no pain), then you're wrong. Sorry. :} 

I'm not that good of a writer when it comes to explaining main themes and all that kind of stuff, but.. umm....

Unfairness, injustice, and corruption of (usually government or the equivalent level of) power are what my goals have been to be the themes of the stories (and yes, that also includes "Twinkle's Story" which is story 1). I'm not sure if I'm even using the term, theme, in the right context here. I hope you might get what I'm trying to say here though. 

And of course the unfairness, injustice, and corruption of power are very different in story 1 and 2. The main characters have to deal with it/fight against it. 

It's supposed to be very deep, but I have such a hard time wording anything right. 

So yeah. No peaceful, lack of any problems happening here. Suffering never comes to an end. :} 

Anyway, about that skit. Well, umm, I read it over and over again. The ending of it (in the Kid Danny half) made me feel so sad when I reread it and realized what I wrote there. Like omg, that skit ending was brutal. I think I broke my own heart. </3 ;-; 

I really want to draw what happened in the Kid Danny half of the skit. I want to draw it all. I want to draw the ending, so you'll understand what happened there. And how much it hurts me. 

Actually, his whole character before he and Dawn went into black goop hell project world causes me pain. It's so freaking sad. What happened to Danny.. like, I can't. I'm so mean because of what I did. ;n; 

I couldn't think of any recent skit I made that ended as painfully sad as the one I made in my previous post. 

What do I mean by that? Well, I'll explain later. 

For now, I'm going to sleep. Good night. 

idk what this post is but enjoy

I really don't know. 

----------------------------

I came up with a weird skit idea when I left school today (Wednesday). It relates to my story 2 concept. More than the other ones. Oh and the only character in it is Fierdan. 

I daydream about skit scenes with Fierdan and/or Duke whenever I'm bored. Like when I'm bored and doing nothing in gym class. 

I think about them way too much. smh. 

To explain what happened in that bad skit from last post: A while back, I think I made Fierdan say he wouldn't use black fire. But then he did. He used black fire a lot. Fierdan also said he doesn't want to do anything violent ever again. But, like, he did. So, like, that's hypocritical. 

Fierdan refuses to call himself Fierdan in the beginning of story 2. Because it's linked to all his very bad, effed up hecked up, memories. I keep on thinking Fierdan is nothing like Daniel or Danny, but that's like.. his actual real name. It kinda entertains me how he strongly dislikes the generic name (Daniel) and uses a more unique (?) name (Fierdan) for so long only to then hate that unique (?) name and use the not-so-original name (Danny) for a while before going back to using that unique (?) name (Fierdan). 

(What the hell did that just say? *squints at screen*) 

Oh, I mean my boy doesn't have a true identity. 

:-) 

Like.. you think his full first name is Fierdan and that it starts with an F, but you see, it's actually Daniel. But he doesn't call himself that either. It's Danny. Fierdan = Danny. I refer to him as both all the time when I wrote skits now. 

Just stating the facts, y'all. Aww, my fire boy! Who the heck are you? ;w; :') 

-x-x-

The Fierdan only skit: 

- very short 

- very "trippy"

- i am also confused 

- i was listening to the tokyo ghoul re anime opening on repeat 

- "Fierdan" is our regular Fierdan skit character (um ok lol) 

- "C. Fierdan" is going to be Fierdan's past identity. The C can stand for Cincernum or Corrupt. Or both. 

- "Kid Danny" refers to before he even identified as Fierdan since like I just said, Fierdan is not his birthname or childhood nickname. Here, he's a very young kid and he's so pure, and omg I love him so much. 

- I might add a Duke. Yes. A Duke. I'll call him "Kid Duke" and he would be a very young kid as well. 

Yeah uh. 

~•~•~

C. Fierdan: *walks up to Fierdan from behind as he sits at a desk (why a desk? idk i was in school when i thought this)* When are you going to stop pretending? How long are you going to keep this lie up? *puts hands on the back of the chair that Fierdan is sitting in* 

Fierdan: I'm not pretending anything. I'm being myself. *looks down at the empty desk* 

C. Fierdan: *snickers, grins, sighs, (lol idk)* No, you're not. You aren't this nerdy, friendly, guy. That's the opposite of who you're supposed to be. 

Fierdan: Because we're free of living in that hell. We can be our own person now. I can be, me. 

C. Fierdan: *makes hand motions (?)* You're making yourself weak. You're weakening yourself, Fierdan. 

Fierdan: I'm not weak. 

C. Fierdan: Oh, but you are. You're limiting your use on how much black fire you can show, just because a girl told you to? Come on, Fierdan, you need your black fire. It's one of the only things that still give you strength.

Fierdan: Using black fire is unnecessary. If I must use fire for whatever reason, I still have my orange flames. 

C. Fierdan: And orange fire is weak. You're purposefully hindering yourself and all the progress that you made. Now that Soulless isn't holding you back anymore, you should use the full extent of your powers. But you don't. You're scared of me, and that weakens you. You are weak! *yells out that last word, kicks one of the chair legs- hard* 

Fierdan: *sighs, folds his hands on the desk* I'm not going to resort to violence, and definitely not mass murder. 

C. Fierdan: *kicks another chair leg* Why? That's the easiest, and quickest, solution to the problems we, and the rest of the group, face! 

Fierdan: People in the group- our group- already have judgements against us because of what we did in the project world. I'm not going to justify their prejudices against me. 

C. Fierdan: They're against our way of life, and they want to criminalize all of us. They think we're some kind of terrorist organization, for crying out loud. They are in our way of establishing peace and prosperity and of course equality to society, so we have to get rid of them. Just kill them off! It's the simplest solution! I know you're sick and tired of living in hiding and mistrust, and even after all those years in Cincernum, you do nothing about it. 

Fierdan: There has to be a more rational way to fix the imbalance of power. 

C. Fierdan: I'm being rational when I say you should just use your power to swiftly kill all those government officials who view us as freaks of nature just because we can control Elements. They don't see value in our lives, so you shouldn't see any in theirs. 

Fierdan: If I actually go ahead and kill them, then I would have a reason to be viewed as a criminal and possible terrorist. That'll just give the other side even more power. 

C. Fierdan: So be it! I'm so sick of scum like them. They all deserve to die. 

Fierdan: No one deserves to die, and I'm not going to kill anybody. 

C. Fierdan: Do you want the problem to end or not? 

Fierdan: Of course I do. 

C. Fierdan: Then kill! *puts hands back on the chair* Why are you so afraid of facing me? I'm not Soulless, Fierdan- I'm you. 

Fierdan: I don't want to become you. *but then he turns around to stare at C. Fierdan in the face (duh)* I'm not you. You're not welcome here anymore. 

C. Fierdan: You need me. You're weak and helpless without me. Without me, you are nothing. 

Fierdan: *nods once* You're so strong, I find it daunting. You intimidate me. I'm scared of who you are and what you're capable of. 

C. Fierdan: There's so much more to me- to us- than just being people that provoke fear into others. I haven't always been like this. Strength doesn't define who we are. 

[??? swirly misty fog ??? different times ??? void again ???] 

Kid Danny:  *is running around in the purple-gray fog, is lost* Huh? Huh? Uh? *suddenly stops since he sees a boy his age standing still, gasps, runs toward the boy* Who are you? *waves* I'm Danny, want to be friends? 

Boy: *is silent, stays standing, doesn't move at all* 

Kid Danny: *waves his hand closer to the boy's face* Hello? Can you hear me? Hello? *accidentally bumps into the boy* 

Boy: *looks like a part of him faded away for a brief moment* 

Kid Danny: *reads letters on the boy's shirt collar* D-U-K-E? Is that your name? *grabs the shirt collar* 

Boy: *glitches (?) and more of his skin is visible, bruises are on his body* 

Kid Danny: Ahh! Why are you hurt? Who hurt you? *hugs the boy out of desperation, touches his forehead with the boy's* You need help. I don't like pain. I don't like seeing others hurting. It hurts me all inside, and it makes me feel all bad. *frowns sadly* 

Boy: *breathes through his nose louder* 

Kid Danny: How can I make the pain go away? 

Boy: *finally moves by smiling and saying* There's nothing you can do. I'm used to this kind of pain. 

Kid Danny: But why? Who did this to you? 

Boy: C. 

Kid Danny: C? 

Boy: Yes, C. *takes a step back* My name is Duke. Call me that. 

Kid Danny: Oh.. oh okay. 

Kid Duke: *smiles* You're a cute kid. 

Kid Danny: Does that make us friends? I really want a friend. 

Kid Duke: Yeah. *smiles again* Okay. 

Kid Danny: *smiles big, reaches out to touch Kid Duke*

Kid Duke: *vanishes in a pile of black smoke* 

Kid Danny: Huh?! *makes frantic motions with his hands* Come back!

Kid Duke: *just his voice* The truth is I never existed. I'm just a figment of your imagination. 

Kid Danny: *cries* Please don't leave me! Don't leave me behind! *cries louder* Please don't hurt him! 

*Kid Danny's mind plays all the violence done to Duke and to the older versions of himself* 

Kid Danny: Time, time, time, time, time, ti--*loses consciousness and faints, hits the white tiled floor on the back of his head* 

-x-x- 

what a skit 

yikes 

good night 

<3

another weird starting skit

Hi, the only personal thing I can say about me is I'm embarrassed of myself. 

I came up with another skit that starts weird and creepy. I don't know the time or location either. 

((ouch, my heart ;; //)) 

-----------------

[The room is pitch black. Fierdan is lying down on his bed, trying to stay asleep. There's an unknown character talking to him- and it definitely does not sound friendly and welcoming.] 

Unknown: Were you lying to them or to yourself all this time? *sits on the bed, facing Fierdan* What you said and what you did were hypocritical moves of yours. Don't think I, nor they, didn't care enough to notice. 

[Uh, just imagine this is Fierdan dreaming..?] 

Fierdan: I don't know what you're talking about. 

Unknown: *jams finger in the center of Fierdan's chest* You're lying. You, my dear, are a liar. 

Fierdan: I don't know--

Unknown: Ha! Don't lie to me too, boy. 

Dawn: *just her voice, sounds distant* I thought you wanted nothing to do with the past. What happened to thowing away yours? 

Twinkle: *just like Dawn* What happened to that time you told all of us that you weren't going to call yourself, Fierdan, ever again? Did the anxiety and trauma that came along with that name wear off? When did you let it control you? Why don't you be yourself again? 

Duke: *just like Dawn and Twinkle* We really thought you were going to get help for what we thought was ptsd, but it now seems the past doesn't affect you as badly as we once thought. I mean, you are fine with what happened. I thought you said you couldn't inflict any harm onto someone else, but what do you do? Say you'll kill me, punch my eyes out.. bring back Soulless. If killing me back then really traumatized you, then you wouldn't have tried to again. 

[Back to the bedroom.]

Unknown: What happened to what you said about your name? You said you couldn't face your past. You said you would never call yourself, Fierdan, again. But here you are, calling yourself just that. 

Unknown: *sits on top of Fierdan who's sleeping* 

Unknown: You're such a filthy liar! Manipulating them into thinking you're so weak and fragile that the very mention of that world could trigger intense panic within you. *pokes Fierdan* You told them you didn't want to hear Fierdan ever again, only to then say you are him. You can't just hide behind a mask of nicknames forever, you know. Accepting and reclaiming your own nickname for yourself means nothing. Want to know what will? *goes up close to his head* Taking pride in your real name. You can't hide away forever, Daniel.

[Uh.. much, much later. Oh look, it's the daytime hours.] 

Fierdan: The truth is Duke's right eye didn't go blind. It was his left, the all-black one. He could see a lot better out of his right. 

Twinkle: Oh.

Fierdan: Yep. *sighs tiredly* You mind if I sit? 

Twinkle: *shakes head* 

Fierdan: *sits down on the couch with an empty cushion between Twinkle and him* You know, I've been thinking.

Twinkle: Oh. 

Fierdan: You can say something other than, "Oh," too ya know. 

Twinkle: *looking at her lap* Yeah, I know. 

Fierdan: What is it? 

Twinkle: Weren't you going to tell me something? 

Fierdan: Yeah but.. I want you to tell me first. 

Twinkle: *sighs* Fine. *looks up but doesn't face him* You really scare me sometimes. 

Fierdan: Why? 

Twinkle: "Why?" You're joking, right? 

Fierdan: Am I still a person you fear? 

Twinkle: Yes, Fierdan, you are. 

Fierdan: *looks intently at Twinkle who won't face him* Is there a way to make you stop being afraid of me? 

Twinkle: I don't think there is. It's just that everything about you as a person invokes fear into me. *sighs* I'm just so tired. *finally faces him* You promised that you wouldn't use black fire, but you did use it. You said that you were forced to do violent actions against your will, but you still went ahead and attempted to kill Duke. And don't you dare tell me that was never your intentions. I saw that look in your eyes when Duke came in the room and told us he felt sick. That was all you. 

Fierdan: I'm sorry--

Twinkle: Sorry doesn't cut it! I'm so tired of it having to be like we all have to treat you like glass because you're too damn fragile. And if we get too close, you'll make us bleed. *takes a deep breath* This isn't right. How can we live like this? It's not healthy. 

Fierdan: *widens eyes as reaction to Twinkle's words* Oh. 

Twinkle: *shakes head out of her own frustration at Fierdan and herself* Sorry, that was stupid of me to bring up. 

Fierdan: It wasn't stupid. I know I can behave a certain way at times. *pauses* I guess I should tell you what I've been thinking. 

Twinkle: Oh, umm, okay. 

Fierdan: Am I really just being hypocritical? For what I said I wouldn't do, verses what I end up doing? *sighs* I didn't want to hurt anybody, and that includes Duke, but I.. I did hurt him. 

Twinkle: Well, you just gotta learn that Duke isn't the same as Soulless. 

Fierdan: I know that. I was just being irrational. I hate how Duke will always remind me somewhat of Soulless, but that's just how he is. Soulless is a part of him, just like I'm a part of him. I can't just stop acknowledging that. 

Twinkle: And of course, Duke isn't the same person that you are. It kinda amazes me how different you two can be. 

Fierdan: Yeah, I guess. *pauses* Look, I'll try to reduce the amount of black fire I let out. I know it makes you and the others uncomfortable since it's the fire of instant death. And, well, how I don't actually want to kill people. 

Twinkle: Huh.. thanks. 

---------

Ugh, I keep on getting distracted! I can't focus! 

I don't know where I was going with this. 

That's it, the end, bye. 

oh the worms?

Viewers: What kind of post title is that?

Me: Hi, it's because I'll be talking about my life updates in this post and not my characters. The phrase that comes to my mind when it comes to this is, "oh worm" which is such a mood. Haha, what the heck.. mood.. me. 

Viewers: Uhh *have questionable and/or disgusted looks on their faces* sure? 

Me: And of course I can't forget how it's- Is This Post Gonna Be Published Before Or After Midnight? 

Viewers: That's just in your timezone, Cutepups. It's not all about you. 

Me: Hmm fine, I'll start the actual post content now. 

Viewers: Finally! 

..... umm so yeah, that just happened. 

I've been making plenty of posts about my hecked up characters that I haven't given myself enough time to post about myself. Well, I'm gonna do that here. 

Because why not. 

Anyway, this past weekend was pretty good. Wasn't that bad. I did things. 

I forgot if I ever mentioned on here that I got a new Mac computer. Well I did. And I opened it and started using it this past Friday night. 

It's nice lol. Cool. I finally have a working, functional computer again. 

I went prom dress shopping. Ordered a prom dress on Saturday. During the day. Not the night. Yeah lol. 

Still gotta find and buy shoes though. (Hhnfgh fancy)

I had to create a Facebook. So I did that. And I still feel so awkward about it. Because like.. people I know in person, people I haven't talked to in so long (some in years).. gotta friend or friend requested me. And I'm like, "ahh hello hi!!" all the time I check on there. (If you're wondering why, it's so I could join a group on there. Uhh.. people, college, college people.. oh heck geez.) Like wow, I don't talk about my interests and stuff I do to people irl, so the concept of me doing that is.. wild. Yikes. People really don't know me lmao. .... I also don't know how to start posting. On my own thing; on the group chat page thing. Like.. what do I say? How do I, umm, talk? (i cry, rip) 

Signed up for orientation. Oh heck geez! It's a three day thing. Mine's in July hopefully (idk the exact date I got yet), but still. That's vaguely soon. In the near future. Hmm. 

Actually, life in the now (wtf are (am) you (i) saying) is far less stressful than last year. Omg last year. I was so hecking stressed. The first week of May.. that was one big, stressful heck. Now I'm like, "school? *shrugs* heh whatever." 

Now time for more mental f_ck from Cutepups. :-) (umm wtf) 

Whenever I'm being honest and talking about myself on a deeply personal level to anyone, especially people irl that I know well, I keep on thinking I'm being manipulative. Like I know it's very bad, but the action of going to get help by telling people my problems (behaviors, thoughts) makes me think I'm lying and manipulating the person/people I'm telling. And it sucks. I hate thinking I'm being so manipulative when I'm trying to be honest about my thoughts and feelings and confess them to another person. 

Sometimes when I drive to go places by myself and I have to park in a parking lot there, I'll be randomly thinking out of the blue. And I'm like, "oh heck.. did I remember to do that?" which distracts me a little. And I know I did do the thing, but at the moment like half an hour later, I'll be wondering if I actually did. And I know nothing bad would happen, but then I'm starting to worry about if I forgot to. And it's just.. bblrghughh. Ugh. 

It's so stupid because I'll be doing my volunteer work when I've been there for a half hour already, and I'll suddenly be thinking about whether or not I locked my car doors. So when I have the opportunity to go back to my car, I always find the car doors locked. Which of course means I did in fact lock it. And I'm like, "wtf stupid brain :/" and yeahh. 

It sometimes also happens when I drive home. So I would go back outside, even though I basically just stepped inside, to check if I locked the car. So foolish me is out there double or triple checking to see if I indeed locked the car. 

Check. Check. Check. 

.... *holds imaginary clipboard up* What else did I want to talk about? 

Oh, that's right. School. 

So anyway, we're starting to learn (oh learn? *coughs*) about social anxiety and anxiety. 

And my stupid brain while I read the class agenda was like, "oh heck, that be me lol." And I'm like, "why me." 

.... I say "like" too much in my posts. I don't even say it that much when I talk. But then again. I don't talk that much in general. Hey, eyy, heyy. 

Anyway, here's a skit that's been in my head: 

Me: *swaggers into class, looks exactly like that one awkward Zac Efron (Troy Bolt, I think?) meme, maybe dabs, cries silently, and exits the classroom while on rollerblades* 

(That's the stupidest thing I've ever read in my entire lifetime.)

Thanks, I know. :) 

Umm *coughs* some people irl (so not just me now lol is that the smell of progress? or oh worms?) really think I have social anxiety. Because of.. me. How I'm.. me. Me. 

"17 and up means high social anxiety"

Me, thinking I'm being honest and *shrugs* not too over-analyzing: gets a 19 (at least but idk)

:^) *turns into that meme* 

Other people: uhh wtf 

Me: ;-) *peace sign*

Viewers: but why.. 

People? Not being scared of at least some social situations at all? Umm.. how tf? Who are you people? What's it like to be able to talk without having to replay what you want to say out loud several times before you actually say anything? What's it like to not at least be shy? What's it like to be outgoing towards nearly everyone? What's it like lol? 

Me: *thinks* What if I'm being manipulative for mentioning this on my blog post? 

God!! Hecking!! Dang!! It!! 

*reads the class agenda* 

"oral self assessment" 

what the heck does that hecking mean? oral? damn, just call me out on it. 

(rip me) 

"depression scale" 

oh, the worms. they sure are wiggling around in their mounds of dirt. 

This weekend, I had vague hopes that life might actually end up okay. Well, I hope that's true. 

I really do hope I'll end up okay. 

Thanks for reading about my messy life updates. Haha. 

<3 ^-^' <3 

Aheh (ahh heh)

So, I was busy. Did things. Well, yeah. 

Might also be busy tomorrow. Wow. 

I'm here now though. Yes. 

5/5. That's the date. 5/5.

Anyway, I'm gonna start off by explaining what those two skits I posted on Thursday mean. They're weird skits, even for me. 

Plus, that mmfgfghh content. Oh hmmst. ;) poor Dukey poo. :-( 

Fierdan.. does he actually do that thing? In the beginning of the first skit? Maybe? Possibly? Actually, I don't know for sure yet. But.. damn (it, Fierdan). 

Uhh.. Duke is made up of Fierdan and Soulless. The "good"/human(e-like) side is Fierdan. Fierdan wanted to kill Soulless forever. By the time that scene will happen, Duke is more like Soulless. At least in appearance, actions, and what he's capable of. And by that time, Soulless is the one keeping Duke alive. Duke is protecting Soulless by letting Soulless "live" in his body. Anyway, the less tainted part of the DUKE that Soulless could never infect by their own powers is really Duke's soul. And that is actually a part of Fierdan's soul. 

I'm too tired to check if I worded that okay. I bet you're all like, "um wtf?" lmao. I'm confused as well. I don't get what I type. Who tf am I? ...uhhhhh...

So then Duke is just thinking about that effed up memory when he's in the middle of talking to Finny. Why did I choose to only have him talking to Finny? Because of that old friends thing. That first skit basically ends with Duke telling Finny that he thinks there's something wrong with him. That Soulless is using him again. And yeah, ahhh hhhh. 

And then there's the second skit. I'm not planning on continuing it in any similar skits. Who was the knife person at the end? I couldn't decide to make that person be the illusion or metal Elemental Power user. Probably gonna go with metal. Not like it matters. 

The white void scene. Fierdan was watching the three boys get killed. The boy on the left was Ardere, the middle was Finny, and the right was Duke of course. 

Admiral is a creep. She's a bitch ok lol.

Admiral and Finny were dating. Finny genuinely liked her. Admiral didn't really. One reason being she thought Finny was boring and something like him not being hot enough. Which are bad reasons, dang it. So anyway, Finny and Duke used to hang out a lot. Then Finny kinda became a little distant with Duke (who fyi was always distant with Finny, smh) due to being with Admiral more. Oh and then a little later, Admiral breaks up with Finny. Which devastated Finny for a little while. And then she really dated Finny because she was trying to get to Duke. Then she was like "f*ck it" and basically tells Duke this and wants him to be her boyfriend. And Duke is like "eww wtf no" but Admiral doesn't like that because she's obsessed with Duke (idk lol sorry).

She's a lustful creep hhhfghh. 

And yes, I don't view the word, Admiral, as being so girly and feminized and whatever. I don't know really, maybe it's because Admiral reminded me of Admirable in the past. And I was like, huh sounds girly. (?? yeah idk). Or maybe it was because I really didn't like at all these former classmates of mine whose names started with A. (that makes no sense, sorry, i'm rushing to finish this post lol) 

In those two skits, Soulless basically made Duke and Fierdan suddenly remember/dream those very effed up events. 

Demons thrive in the dark. It's like a playground for Soulless. All their pasts sure are very dark. 

And for Duke and Fierdan, the amount of darkness in their lives is like a "paradise" to Soulless. 

And Soulless contributed significantly to the amount of darkness they have. 

Ok so yeah, bye now. 

(umm heck.) 

heck me up heck man

Hi. 'Sup. It's a me, Cutepups. 

Those two skits I posted on Thursday? Yeah, that's the end of it. I'm done with that.

(More like I'm too lazy to continue it lmao.) 

The italics are supposed to be Fierdan thinking the beginning part, and then Duke finishing it with "madness" and they're both thinking the whole thing at the end. 

Yeah. So that happened. That was pretty weird. I'm pretty weird. 

(My phone is at less than 20%, but I'm too lazy to go to the other room to fetch my charger. Lmao no one cares but ok.) 

By the way, fellow blog viewers, I might start going on here less. Not as much. Yeah. I'm getting busy now. Especially in the next few months. That includes this month. It's May. Wow. 

I have so much to do lol. Geez. 

Life.. huh. 

*sweats* 

Umm. Bye. 

(gonna make a longer post after this, alright, see ya bye bye) 

Darkness is Where the Demons Play (actual skit? nah)

What was that last post? Lmao. 

Fierdan ;) mm ;p (wtf omg why stop it, cutepups)

It's hot outside. I'm sweaty. Like, eww. I don't like the heat. :( 

I started that last post around 10:30 and I had so much motivation. Now I don't. 

So yeah, let's see what I'll do now. 

---------------

[Uh.. some time after that last skit. yeah idk. I'm so tired. Oh and the setting starts in the freaking void. White void. Yes, I'm starting this one with creepy vibes as well.]

[There's a white void, which I just said. There are three boys sitting and facing forward. Their faces look.. blank. Suddenly, the boy on the left receives multiple gunshots. Then the boy in the middle is surrounded by a dark smoke, and he soon loses the ability to breathe. The boy on the right suddenly gets a sharp object lodged into his chest, and then the blade becomes visible again from just below the back of the boy's left shoulder.]

I can't br ea the. I must be drowning. I'm sinking further and further into ... 

[On a bed, underneath the covers, a different boy sits up and pulls his knees to his chest. He starts sweating, and his heartrate increases. The room is in darkness.] 

••••

[Somewhere else with another boy (one of the boys from the white void). The setting now is close to a school. The boy and a girl are alone.] 

Girl: You are so naive. You're still full of *glares at the boy* innocence. It disgusts me. 

Boy: *frowns at the girl* You ruined him. You broke his heart. Stay away from me and him, Admiral. 

Admiral: He wasn't meant for me. He's too boring. 

Boy: *getting a little angry* You took him away from me. 

Admiral: *laughs coldly* Stop being so modest. Let people see your body. *grins* Show me it. 

Boy: *pauses between each word to show emphasis* Leave, us, alone. 

Admiral: Take your shirt off and kiss me. Hard. 

Boy: *is disgusted with the girl* You're sick. 

Admiral: You've got to be intimate with a girl some day. I can't believe you never had a girlfriend before. You must be lying, Duke. 

Duke: I'm not lying. Now let me walk home. 

Admiral: How can the Duke be someone who never.. who never... *never finishes her sentence, instead she touches a side of his face with her hand and pulls down on one of his longer hairs that aren't as so short as the others* You're so damn hot.

Duke: Stop it. 

Admiral: And why would I do that? *drops her hand from his face, now she lowers it and leaves it in the center of his chest* I want you. You're so f*cking hot. *lowers her other hand and wraps it around a side of his waist* Touch me. 

Duke: If I wanted a girlfriend, you would be my last choice. *grins* I'll never choose you. 

Admiral: *lets go of Duke* Hear my words, Duke. One day we will kiss, and I'll leave you craving more. 

Duke: You'll only leave a repulsive taste in my mouth. You're all artificial. Is there any part of you that's real? *begins to walk away before Admiral can answer* 

Admiral: *laughs coldly* I could ask you the same thing, Duke. Your fears of closeness and intimacy will end. I'll set you free. 

Duke: *takes one of his backpack's straps off one of his shoulders* It won't be you who will set me free. 

Admiral: *frowns at Duke walking away* I will get that kiss. 

Duke: *just raises his right arm to indicate "bye" without saying anything*

... madness. 

[Duke wakes up in his bed. Since it's the middle of the night, his room is also completely dark. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. Then he climbs out of bed and heads for Fierdan's room.] 

••••

[Right outside Fierdan's room.] 

Duke: I have to...

Fierdan: *nods* I have to ask you something too.

Duke: *sighs and nods* 

Fierdan: Is Soulless back? 

Duke: Why do I keep having flashbacks from the bad times? 

Fierdan: I've also been getting them. I keep replaying your death in my head. 

Duke: So.. so have I. *pauses* I've started to wonder how it felt to be the one holding the sword. 

Fierdan: *looks away from Duke* Ah, I--

[His words are suddenly cut off because someone approaches them. Fierdan loses his words. A very tall, strong-looking person with gray skin and big white eyes smiles at Fierdan and Duke. The person is Soulless, and they go behind the two to put their hands on their shoulders. One hand on Fierdan's; one hand on Duke's.] 

Soulless: *smiles* You two are great entertainment. I love playing my games with you. 

Duke: Games? What games?

Fierdan: *speaking softly* The dream we both had. Your death. Soulless caused us to both dream it. 

Soulless: *smiles widely* Very good, Fierdan! You're a smart boy! 

Duke: Why that day? 

Fierdan: Don't you see? Soulless wants us to relive the different pains we both felt that day. Over and over again. 

Duke: But why? 

Fierdan: Soulless didn't want me to kill you. And they definitely didn't want me to take back the part of my soul from inside you. I broke their precious shell. And Duke, your body was their life source. I killed it, which in turn killed Soulless. 

Soulless: Good, you remembered. I'm glad I don't have to repeat myself. 

Duke: *looks at his feet, whispers* Darkness is where the demons play. Our darkest memories are only one of the games Soulless is playing with us, Fierdan. Our bad memories are just one game that Soulless is playing on the dark playground. 

Soulless: Darkness is where the demons play? I like how that sounds. 

Duke: And I'm not afraid of the dark. 

Fierdan: I don't know how you came back here again, but you're not welcome here. 

Soulless: I was wondering if you missed Admiral, Duke. Did you enjoy that dream I gave you? 

Duke: *raises head, looks defiantly at Soulless* She said I was so damn f*cking hot. *glances at Fierdan from the corner of his eye* 

Soulless: Well, she was lusting after you, after all. 

Duke: Do you know why she called me that? 

[Before Soulless has enough time to respond, Duke lets his orange flames cover his entire body. His orange fire wings shoot out from his shoulder blades. The wingspan is longer than what Fierdan remembers.] 

Duke: It's because I'm made of fire. *kicks off into the air, leaving Soulless's face covered in the large orange flames*

Soulless: *is distracted, removes his grip on Fierdan* 

Fierdan: *slips past Soulless, lets his black flames cover his body* I'm so f*cking sick of your games, you piece of sh*t. *copies what Duke did but with black fire* 

Soulless: You two are just birds of flame. How weak could you possibly get, Fierdan? 

Fierdan: *scoffs* Weak? You're sadly mistaken. 

[Suddenly, a couple sharp knives are thrown and make their targets be in various parts of Soulless. Two end up in their white eyes.] 

Duke: *is shocked, then has that sinister look in his eyes from the end of his time with Taurel* Goodnight, Soulless. *is about to do something violent to Soulless, but is stopped* 

Fierdan: So it was you? 

Duke: Who? 

[A person who is around Ryen's age approaches them. The person throws the last knife, which lands in the center of Soulless's forehead. Duke and Fierdan lose their flames.] 

Guy: Thought you needed assistance. 

Fierdan: How did you come here? 

Guy: I need to talk to Ryen.

Duke: Wait, who are you? 

[Suddenly, the person and their knives leave. Soulless disappears a few seconds later.] 

Fierdan: That was *pauses* a friend of Ryen's. 

Duke: Who?

Fierdan: I thought you met them. 

Duke: I don't remember. 

Fierdan: *looks at Duke suspiciously* How can you not remember? 

Duke: Am I supposed to? 

[Ryen leaves his room and walks toward them.]

Ryen: To answer your question, Duke, yes. 

••••

I can't breathe. I must be drowning. I'm sinking further and further into madness. 

Save me from myself. Prevent me from entering the gates of the damned. Who am I supposed to be, in your mind's eye? 

Demons thrive in the dark. And in the darkness, all the demons come out to play. 

I've become their paradise. 

Darkness is Where the Demons Play (Skit)

Hi. I watched my shows today, and now I'm in that skit mood. Hell yeah! Woo! 

Today was alright. Not that bad. It was okay. 

This time, last year. Ooh boy, was I stressed! Geez. 

Yeah anyway, onto the skit! (please clap) 

-----------------------

[I don't feel like including a specific date, time, and location. I'm too lazy to do that, and it stresses me out a little. But for this situation, just know it's supposed be weird and giving off creepy vibes. Might be considered gross at parts. Oh and imagine it's taking place deep in a dark forest and the surrounding trees and air is covered in thick, dark smoke.] 

Fierdan: *standing way, way too close to Duke, their faces are way, way too close, their bodies are, you guessed it, close (umm wtf)*

Duke: *just standing there like he's paralyzed*

Fierdan: *digs a sword deeper into Duke's chest, specifically the center of Duke's infamous purple and black flame mark* 

Duke: *just.. just standing there with a sword being stabbed further and further into his chest (talk about feeling numb)* 

Fierdan: *the look in his eyes is wicked hot, grins and shows his teeth which are also wicked hot.. uh.. wicked hot* 

Duke: *just standing there despite the fact that Fierdan literally just stabbed through his heart* 

Fierdan: *yells* Moriemini! (translation: Die!) *pushes the sword even further into Duke's heart before quickly pulling it out* 

Duke: *well, umm, he's a mess* 

Fierdan: *presses his chest against Duke's before the hole (?) in Duke's chest can feel the outside air, one arm is wrapped around Duke's back, the other is used to prevent Duke's head from dropping since he's well dead and can't keep his head up on his own* I'll be taking that part of my soul back now. I'm reclaiming what's mine. *suddenly and harshly (?) presses his mouth onto Duke's (ikr wtf)* Goodnight, my Duke. *just looking like he's passionately kissing Duke (wtf lmao)* 

Duke: *body starts disintegrating, a few minutes later when their tongues are basically tied in each other's mouth (wtf is this, c pup?)

[The scene changes to a room in the house where all the characters hang out in. You know. That place. Oh and it's during the daytime.] 

Duke: *sweats nervously, places hand over his heart which is beating very fast* 

Soulless: *coming from behind Duke? in Duke's head? idk* Fierdan killed us. What do you think of it? 

Duke: *tightly grips his shirt fabric around the left part of his chest* 

Soulless: It's about time we punish Fierdan for what he did to us. The pain he put us through was unbearable. Remember how it ached all over, and how it felt like we were burning into nothings? 

Duke: *still holding his hand over his rapid heartbeat* I was turning into you! He was destroying you and the vessel that you've turned me into. It was all you! 

[. . . . ] 

Finny: *places hand on Duke's shoulder* You okay? It looked like you zoned out. 

Duke: *turns head to face Finny, lets Finny leave his hand on his shoulder* Finny?

Finny: Yeah, dude, are you okay? 

Duke: *smiles weakly* Thanks for being here with me. 

Finny: Uh yeah, of course. We were in the middle of talking about--

Duke: Finny, I think there's something wrong with me. I can.. I can feel him--

Finny: Him? Who? 

Duke: I'm starting to feel like maybe Soulless is actively a part of my body again. I can hear their voice. I can hear Soulless saying that I should hate Fierdan for what he did to us. *looks away from Finny* I can feel those memories, and it hurts. My heart hurts. There's no hole through my heart, right, Finny? 

Finny: That day from last week. Something changed about you. 

Duke: I know Soulless was talking to all of you while using my body. Soulless was speaking but using my voice. 

Finny: Do your eyes ever hurt? *pauses* Not even just from the other day when Fierdan, uh, did that to your eyes. But from before.

Duke: From Taurel's eye examinations? 

Finny: Oh, well, yeah. 

Duke: I've been trying so hard to not think about all the bad things Taurel and Risak did to me. I guess I should say I'm lucky that I haven't had any nightmares with those two for a while now. Instead, I'm having that memory of the day Fierdan actually did kill me playing over and over in my head. 

Finny: That doesn't sound very lucky then. 

Duke: Ah yeah, you're right. I'm not a lucky person. 

Finny: Don't say that. 

Duke: What? It's true. I was born unlucky, and that's all I'll ever be. Unlucky. 

Finny: I know this is a weird question for me to be asking, but how did you feel when we all hugged you? 

Duke: *finally starting to calm down, stops holding his hand over his chest* I.. I don't know what to tell you. It was nice. Unexpected, but nice. 

Finny: What about Fierdan? When he hugged you? 

Duke: Oh.. umm.. at first it was fine. But then it turned into pain, like he was trying to kill me again by getting rid of Soulless and their power over me. It felt like a hug, it looked like a hug, but I could just feel the look in his eyes. They wanted to stab through my heart, but instead of using a weapon, it was through tight hugs. Fierdan, he.. he got rid of Soulless by hugging their presence out of me. The hug, it felt like being stabbed with a knife. I don't know what I'm saying. This probably sounds like gibberish to you.

Finny: It's not gibberish, Duke. 

Duke: I don't know, Finny. I'm scared it'll happen again.

Finny: No matter what Fierdan or even Ryen says, you won't be killed in that way again. It won't happen. You and the rest of us are all safe now. 

Duke: But what if Soulless communicates through me again? 

Finny: You're you, Duke. You're not Soulless. Remember that. 

--------------------

So it's 2 hours later since I started this post. I had to do other, more important, things. 

I actually left after I wrote the first scene change. I really don't feel like continuing on with the skit. Well, for this post. I might continue into another skit part. 

I can't concentrate on the skit anymore. 

Sorry. Goodnight. 

May Day Mayday

Ok so.. I didn't do that. Oops. 

I didn't feel like writing and posting poetry after school on Monday. Didn't feel like doing that on Tuesday either. And so here I am posting at midnight again. 

It's already May. How did that happen? I have no idea. (what the heck is time?) 

So that means it's been a year since I had my AP exam. It's been a year.. wow, huh.. that's weird. It's May 2nd now, apparently. 

May.. wow. It's somehow May. 

I think that I keep on making posts where I say, "It's somehow *insert month*" or on my birthday, something like, "I'm somehow *insert my new age*." Anyway, I'm somehow going to be 18 years old in 20 days. Now that's a "what the actual fvck" mood. 

Me, haha ahh: can't ever decide if it's worth it to kinda censor swear words in my posts. yeah idk. 

May 1st: college decision day. Wore my new college apparel to school. Haha, I'm going to college.. wtf. 

Anyway, got a new poem idea. It's because I feel bitter about my sister lol. She's just.. ugh. Y'know? Nah? 

("perfect body" yeah right smh) 

Uh yeah. I'm bitter. 

Actually, haha welp, uhhhhhh...... ....................... ................ ............. .. . 

Instead of using my late at night (by that I mean my peak posting hour of 11 to 12 midnight) time to post on Monday, I decided to do heck or die with it. 

(Proper English, Cutepups, please! I am begging you!- what I imagine my viewers crying out to me as they read my post) 

Umm, haha ahhhh wtf lol?..

So instead of doing what I would typically do, I talked to my mom. About what? ...-things. 

A lot. Of things. Most things. Not all. 

I don't know how to feel or how she feels. I don't feel any better after telling her. I think I'm even more of a useless burden full of excessive guilt, thanks to what I overhear my dad and sister say about me. 

Getting help, asking for help... umm, excuse me but. What the actual fvck is that? Like? Huh? 

lol i tried telling her some things, and like. she just won't get it. like.. no, mom. that's not what i mean. and saying those things don't help. like.. smh, people gotta listen. god-

But like what if she actually seriously wants to take me to the doctor? Yikes, umm, I have a scare. As in, I'm scared. 

Ugh, I also hate how she can tell me that they (in these current circumstances, my dad and sister) don't think I'm a burden on them and that I'm useless and worthless. But how they've been behaving toward me? Yeah, uh, hard to believe they don't. Like what? They'd actually confess they love me and that I'm good enough (whatever the fvck that even means) if I ever have a massive breakdown that ends with me about to die? Lol but really. Dude. 

Saying everything made me realize something: Wow, dang, there's a hell of a lot wrong with me. Lmao! Wtf! 

She's starting to treat me differently too, and I don't know how to feel about it but it's making me a little uncomfortable. 

I.. I really don't know what to do lol. 

May is mental health month. Hmm... hmm. 

Bye.