I won't be talking about that skit now. I'd rather write a post explaining the second half of the skit after I have drawn some art from it.
But since it possibly relates to a point I want to make, I'll say this about Fierdan/Danny:
One of his character flaws (that I first didn't know I was doing but am doing purposefully now) is that he reacts.. uh.. inappropriately to blame. And what I mean by that is he either shifts the blame onto other people (or, Soulless *cough*) for things he did.. or the opposite in which he blames himself too much for things out of his control.
The former should be pretty familiar if you're caught up with my story chapters. Especially the longer talk Fierdan had with Fauna, the flashback with Dawn thinking Fierdan is obsessed with killing even after he killed his father (Z doesn't deserve to live, ok lol) and how he says those regular people are just as evil for glorifying his father, and how he talks to Duke sometimes. Like.. Fierdan blames so much for what he did on Soulless and Z. He mainly says they're abusive, tried to kill him, took any sign of a good life he could've had, and that they're manipulating him all the time.
The latter wasn't really mentioned much in my published chapters so far except at the end of Fauna's POV in Chapter 75. And that main point about blame is what I plan on dragging into Chapter 76 in Fierdan's POV. What point? Fierdan knowing a rather decent amount of anatomy (bones, organs, etc.) due to breaking apart people's bodies (yeah.. body horror *cough*), and how he finally tells another person that he actually hates what he chose to do. He hates how back then he had such an intense fear of himself dying that he would severely hurt others, so that he wouldn't get as physically hurt as much by Soulless. Soulless wanted Fierdan to hurt and kill others, which Fierdan did because if he didn't, Soulless would "punish" him (which is extremely painful physically). And Fierdan knows all too well how much pain he feels as a result of Soulless getting disappointed in him. It's very, very painful.
When he's Danny, he blames himself far more than blaming others. Which is a good thing at first, but it turns unhealthy to the extent he brings it to. Sorry, I don't feel like explaining any further details about it in story 2. It's not just about him blaming Soulless and Z for being violent with people and ultimately killing them usually in vicious ways. It's so much more.
Like.. uh.. I totally understand if you're reading the chapters I already wrote and can't sympathize with Fierdan. He technically is a bad guy. He did/does very f*cked up things that would be hard to forgive him for. I actually hate him in story 1 quite a lot.
But when I go more into his character, especially his past as Pre-Fierdan and his younger years in project world hell, I start liking him so much more. And in story 2, I find it hard to not at least start sympathizing with him and feeling some pain from just how he is as a character. Because he is a character of various types of pains. And, wow, it hurts me. He hurts me lol.
So how does any of that relate to me? Well, you see, I also react inappropriately to blame. I realized that I either refuse to admit it all is my fault by blaming whatever it is on other people (I just do this irl so none of you guys would really get that).. or I am too critical of myself and blame myself for things I don't have 100% under my control.
So.. yeah. Heh.
Sunday and Monday were pretty good days. I, dare I say, felt positive and happy?
But by Tuesday, that all vanished. It's gone again.
It hurt so much this time. I felt more than just "okay" and now I don't anymore. And it sucks! It really fvcking sucks!
Next Tuesday is my birthday. Wow. Less than a week till then. I didn't expect to live this long lol. 18.
On Tuesday, I forgot to do things I never forgot to do before. They're little things, but like.. I never forgot to do those things before. I felt so stupid after realizing I forgot to do them. (smh)
Sunday was Mother's Day. It was a nice day.
I was the only one in my family who could finish my hibachi dinner at the restaurant lmao. No one else did. That's.. new. Pfft.
I'm watching more shows.
But now I have quite a few projects to do for school. They either got assigned yesterday or today. And I know I'm getting more soon.
Ugh, I'm so tired of projects.
I'm surrounded by so much negativity (myself and the people I'm around daily) that I'm not used to anything else. Being around people who aren't depressing.. what's that like? It's really taking a toll on my health and my hope that there's more to life than despair.
Maybe I don't deserve to be real close with any "positive thinking" people. It'll probably be harder for me to relate to those kinds of people, but man, I'm so tired of all this negativity I'm around 24/7 basically.
I'm so negative. Why would any "positive thinking" people, people without anxious and depressing thoughts out loud all the time, want to hang out with me? What do I have to offer? Nothing. I have nothing to give them.
I'm getting awesome things and compliments ("[Cutepups] is so cool!") and for what? Do I even deserve that? Probably not, but what do I know?
I know I'm not alone. Over the past few weeks, it's been affirmed by people irl and not just online. I know I'm not the only one who's scared of what's to come after graduation and in college.
But despite all that, I feel so lonely. No matter who I talk to, I feel lonely. I feel like I can't really talk all about myself without feeling even more self-centered than I already feel. I feel manipulative for talking about myself personally.
And like.. I know I have to talk about myself to become closer to people and have, like, friendships. But after hiding so much of my interests and identity for so many years, it feels nearly impossible for me to ever do that.
Am I destined to always be alone? Because, I swear, I hate the loneliness.
To be honest, whenever any of my friends mention their other friends that they just recently talked to and hung out with to me, I feel so inadequate and it just fuels my depressing thoughts. It's very sh¡tty for me to be like that, I know. I just want to be good enough to have friends that are happy and aren't so negative about anything.
Sorry.
I'll end the post here. Bye.
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