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Wednesday, May 29, 2019

boop shwoop shnoop oops

I don’t feel like talking about my characters like that anymore. Well, ever since I published the last post. Heh. 

It’s May 29th. That means it’s been a month since I was at an airport and I flew by myself. 

It’s May 29th. That means it’s my parents’ wedding anniversary. I wasn’t going to add the word “wedding” at first, but I did it anyway. 

There’s a funeral in the morning. So.. there’s that too. 

She died the day after my birthday. Huh. Oh. :( 
(no, not anyone close-close) 

So many funerals. Lots of funerals. 

I could write a lengthy, depressing as hell speech now, but I’m not feeling up to it anymore. I spoke it in my head, but I don’t feel like writing it down.  

Oh and as for the title, it’s what I’m saying to Thelma as I’m petting her and booping her nose. She’s a sleepy kitty. :3

I found a typo in my last post. But I also don’t want to edit the post again. :T

Rant/Vent ahead:

———————

Ok so. I, myself, personally, don’t have PTSD. So like, I’m so critical and down on myself for somehow ending up creating a story with most of my main characters having/likely going to have PTSD. I don’t even remember how I ended up where I am. 

But, dang...

I’m trying not to fall into using mental illness stereotypes into my writings. And it’s come to the point that what I hear people irl say.. well, it makes me feel defensive and annoyed as hell. 

So, this happened:

family member: being in that traffic caused me to have ptsd 
me, right after hearing that: *is so annoyed and fed up with people treating ptsd/anxiety/depression/mental illnesses/autism casually disrespectful, like I don’t even have ptsd and I’m probably not autistic myself but the comments said family member have recently said about those kinds of people make me feel a bad mood alright* 
other family member: *says like a joke* maybe we should get you some therapy 
my mind: absolutely loses it, omfg screw this family, fuck everyone, fuck this place, i swear to god—

notes- my memory is trash now, so I’m paraphrasing what I remember them saying. 

and here are some phrases I’ve found online:

• depression is more than just “sad”
• anxiety is more than just “fear”
• autism is more than just a stereotype 
• bipolar disorder is more than just “mood swings”

mental illnesses are complex and I don’t get why people can’t wrap their minds around that! people making jokes about mental illnesses and/or the symptoms that accompany them annoy me so fucking much!!! 

make a joke about ocd? fuck you. make a joke about ptsd/triggers? fuck you. think depression is just “feeling sad” and refuse to learn more? fuck you. only think people count as autistic if they can’t function in their daily lives which leads to you dehumanizing people on the autism spectrum one way or another? fuck you. not thinking someone is serious when they tell you they’re suicidal and want to die because it must be a joke? fuck you. think social anxiety is the same thing as being shy? fuck you. ignoring when someone finally finds the courage to say right to your face that they believe they have depression and are suicidal and should get therapy and not doing anything to actually help your child? fuck you. Fuck You!! 

personal experience. heh eh..

I don’t tell my family anything. What’s the point? They downplay what I tell them. One family member that I directly talked to about my mental health shit (read above) and my romantic and sexual orientations completely forgot that whole long conversation we had. 

You promise you listen and care about me! But you don’t fucking listen! Important shit I tell you just flies out of your ears! 

I don’t even know how to even start a Serious Conversation About Myself with my family. 

Here’s something:

I am Not Straight. It still baffles me that people think I’m straight. Nothing about me is straight. 

I can’t grasp myself living in the future. I don’t experience romantic or sexual attraction. I don’t see myself as the type to get married (to a husband of course because gotta keep it straight of course *sighs*) and have my own kids. I’m so terrified of how I’ll live in the future and how I’ll survive on my own every damn day. 

I fucking told you to your face that I’m aro and ace! I hate (real-life) romance! I’m not the romantic or sexual type at all! 

Getting married isn’t on my bucket list! I’m going to die alone in the next five years or so by suicide because I’ve had suicidal ideation for literally years! g o d !!!!!!

I literally don’t deserve to live. I deserve to die. I deserve death. I HAVE TO DIE. 

Like no shit I’m not happy. I seriously have to die very fucking soon. I really don’t deserve to live. 

GGGGGOOOOOOOOODDDDD

You say something like there’s no reason to live in the future if you don’t get married and have kids because then you’ll have nothing to live for? Fuck you to hell and back. (different family member). I still remember what you fucking said. Maybe that’s why I’m so uncomfortable and awkward around you. 

I’m aromantic. I’m asexual. Respect my identity or you’re dead to me. And would you look at that? You’re dead to me, family. 

And don’t get me started on gender stuff. I know for a fact that no one in my family is going to be willing to listen and understand, so I’m not going to bother ever bringing that up with them. 

Yes, I like to wear feminine clothes sometimes! Yes, I like the color pink! Yes, I like to wear dresses and skirts sometimes! I know that! 

But.. fuck.. I feel so disconnected from my body. These parts shouldn’t be here. I don’t want these. I Never wanted these. Being aware/remembering my chest will never be flat makes me feel like shit. I’ve never felt “connected to my womanhood” ever since I’ve hit puberty. I never “celebrated” from getting my period or for having boobs. If I could get rid of a body part, my reproductive organs (especially my uterus?) and boobs are on the top of my list. They don’t feel like they Belong to me. They don’t Belong here. They should Go. I’m annoyed so often that my chest can’t be flat. The only time it doesn’t bother me as much is when I’m in a dress. And I like dresses, actually. I never felt connected to being called a woman. Ha ha ha! What cis girl has stuff like this playing in her head? What girl thinks about this type of shit? I don’t fucking know. 

I hate having boobs. I hate even typing it out. I hate having a uterus and ovaries. I’m not that much of a fan of having a vagina either. I hate typing this out. Fuck.

I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it 

I hate having a body!!!!! 

Oh and I figured out why my birthday didn’t really feel like my birthday? I didn’t have a birthday cake. 

Everyone in my family didn’t bother to buy or bake a cake for my birthday. They all forgot. 

I’ve been looking forward all day to blowing out candles. I’m petty as hell. I’m still bitter over this. Well, if that isn’t obvious enough. 

And only my siblings gave me gifts. Something other than a card. Oh and my grandma too. 

And then there’s my mom. Who, for days ever since I came home, pestered me into buying her a Mother’s Day gift. (Well, more than one item, so gifts?). And I gave her the gift(s) she wanted and wouldn’t stop pestering me to buy her.

Yet you totally forgot to have a cake for my birthday when you know that’s the best part about my birthday for the past few years? 

Yeah, yeah. Just forget my birthday while you’re at it. I know you and the rest of the family fucking hate me and doesn’t genuinely care about me! Thanks for supporting my negative thoughts that I really believed were irrational, but apparently there’s some truth to them after all! 

When you realize that the truth is that no one honestly cares about you, that shit hurts. It hurts being the most forgetful person. Everyone ends up forgetting me. Even my own parents, apparently! 

And on top of all that bullshit, my mom has made it pretty clear that my brother is her favorite child. Who is the middle child. And whenever I bring this up to any friend irl, they downplay it/refuse to believe it. 

Oh, the middle child? That’s the ignored child, not the favorite one. And when I tell people about it in regards to my family, they don’t think it’s a thing that happens. Or it’s weird. Or that can’t happen. 

But I swear to god it’s happening here. 

Everyone I’ve discussed this with so far has only invalidated me. What the hell!!!

I know for a fact that she hates me and loves my brother a lot more than me. And for a while. For several months. At least. 

That shit fucking hurts!! 

I also feel like I can’t trust most people, if anyone, in my family with actually listening to me and treating me seriously. 

No shit I don’t tell you anything deeply personal and intimate about me. I have no right to trust you. You gave me no effort on why I shouldn’t Not trust you. 

You don’t deserve to know a thing about me. 

Beyond the surface level. Oh wait. You refuse to look at something that’s striking you in the face. 

Oh and on top of everything else I said, my mom loves to “play the victim” and purposefully guilt-trip the rest of my family over little things (some that happened months ago). 

It gets on my fucking nerves!!!!!

I AM ANGRY ABOUT ALL OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!

NONE OF YOU IN THIS HOUSE DESERVE TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME. 

And part of my family is lowkey demonizing addicts and believe they don’t deserve love and shit like that. 

....... ....... ......... 

Fuck everyone and everything. Because my sex-averse, sex-repulsed ass is just that horny. 

————————

boop shwoop shnoop 
oops 

bye. ///////// 

2 comments:

  1. Haha join the club, CPups. As far as I'm concerned all of us deserve to die. :)

    *would love to add my own comment and personal thoughts on gender and stuff but that's gonna be like dozen pages of incoherent nonsense that I can't even explain so.. I guess I wont say anything to save us all the trouble*
    *but everything you said up there? AGREED.*

    Dang. No birthday cake? Here, *passes along a sparkling sugar pink frosted cake with 19 candles on it* It may not be real but hey you deserve one because DANG IT Birthdays are important! <3

    *Inhale* Dude, your family SUCKS.
    Like... THEY'RE ALL DOUCHES. What the heck! Family is supposed to be supportive and like, the people you go to first if you have a problem!
    *throws hands in the air* ?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *insert that meme or Vine that has a guy saying "you got me there!"* I guess we all deserve to be mortal beings and have a death date, but.. I didn't really mean it that way when I wrote this post.

      "personal thoughts on gender and stuff but that's gonna be like dozen pages of incoherent nonsense that I can't even explain" oh Mood. Same. I feel you.

      Aww, thanks! ;w; <3

      Yeah :/ they suck sometimes. especially with all this stuff that happened.

      Delete