oh hey, it’s may // mental stuff

Oh hey, it’s May. 

Would you guys look at that? Time is flying by. 

Anyway, I’ll be posting some videos after I post this. Uh ok sure. 

............. hmm .....................

As each day passes and I’m alone with my thoughts, the more I convince myself that my body and brain are cursed. 

Viewers: “cursed” yeah ok sure, whatever you say, pfft-

Cursed as in: being broken or somewhat broken in some specific areas. working incorrectly. being flawed. being damaged. being sick. 

... but saying “cursed” and that I’m a “fool” is more fun. ha, ha, ha. :•} 

I’m starting to get pretty concerned. There’s so much wrong with me. I am concerned. :’} 

.... I probably should seek out a doctor for my ~cursed body and brain~ stuff. Like, you know, telling them what’s been going on. 

Hey, here’s a wild thought. Maybe I like actually need in-person therapy (not just using a bunch of online resources through websites and apps) and perhaps medication too. But for what/which types? I don’t know for sure. But like.. hmm. I’m doing so badly these days, omg I’m barely functioning, it’s gotten so badly and I thought I’ve gotten better and “mentally healthy” or whatever but actually no I’m not, I’m falling apart— 

......... uh umm. heck. off to another topic!

I kinda hate myself. Like a lot. I hate these thoughts, they make me seem like such an asshole, and I hate them so much. 

So as you all should know, I’m in college/university. I live in a dorm with a roommate. 

yadayadayada ya know-

Here’s a vague-ish(?) reason why I think my brain (more specifically, my thoughts? well, thoughts are in/from the brain. so uh-) is cursed. 

Wait, let me repeat that. 

Here’s a reason why I think my brain/thoughts are cursed (aka- bad, toxic, unhealthy). 

(explicit language and sensitive content mentioned ahead) 

I know, in the logical and rational parts of my brain/thinking, that I really don’t and shouldn’t feel anger and hatred towards my roommate. Let me make something clear. I know I’m not full of rage and hate. I don’t actually hate her. 

But, idk, it’s like the irrational, impulsive, emotion-driven parts of my brain/thinking do. And I don’t like it. I shouldn’t feel this way but I do, and it’s not like I can just say the shit that’s in my mind because it’s full of shit and you just can’t say stuff like that out loud—

I hate these thoughts. They’re ugly and so uncalled for. :( :/ 

I don’t know why I even have this feeling that’s like an impulse of hate. 

I mean, hey, maybe it’s just annoyance and stress. Maybe I’m just annoyed and stressed. 

But these feelings and thoughts I have towards this one person in particular feel slightly different than anyone else in my life. So, well, it makes it hard to pinpoint exactly.. what’s going on with me, so to speak. 

It’s kind of like this: (@ roommate)

My rational thoughts: It’s okay, you’re chill, sometimes you do things that annoy me and you don’t tell me just about anything in advance since you just about never communicate with me... but in the end, I’m not truly angry at you and I don’t hate you, I wish the best for you, that stuff you’re interested in is nice and it’s cool you’re so passionate about something, and you’re generally a nice person....

~ vs. ~ 

My irrational/impulsive/maybe intrusive? thoughts: I swear to god, I fucking hate myself so damn much, I can’t stand this shit, why the fuck are my ears so focused on you and everything you do, it’s like everything you do I hear with such an intensity, I hate how my senses are so intense and focused around you when I bet you’re not doing the same about me, are you even aware that I also live here? because I doubt it, I sometimes wish I could go deaf temporarily not to deal with you, fucking hell I hate my ears, I know you’re not being loud but to my ears every sound you make is so damn loud in my ears and it’s painful I swear to fucking hell it hurts. (. . .) I hold so much anger inside of me, I think it’s going to overflow and I think I’m going to snap one day and it’s going to be ugly, I have a special type of anger towards you, to be blunt, I hate you, I hate you so much, you could at least fucking tell me when you have to wake up at 4 am on a weekday, what the hell, do you even go to class?, I never see you go anymore, why the hell am I thinking about you so much, I fucking hate my damn self, how can you stay in bed all day?, do you even leave the dorm some days? it’s a weekday geez. (. . .) I don’t give a fuck anymore, I hate you, stop making any noise, hearing you breathe loudly, hearing you cough, hearing you blow your nose, anything for that matter, annoys me so much, I hate it so much, shut up! just shut up!, I swear I’m so close to feeling my ears bleed, it hurts so much, just don’t breathe, don’t cough, sometimes it’s a little more bearable but other times it’s not, actually I guess I’m sorry and don’t know why I’m targeting you specifically, god I hate myself and I don’t think I even believe in god anymore, and maybe that’s why my mind is so cursed, I sometimes have thoughts of attacking people that annoy me for simple things like breathing loudly, sometimes I get the random thought of imagining what it would be like if I had to fight everyone or just one person in a closed space, I am full of rage and I want to fight everyone!,, everything I’m listing here is “soft” because I actually can’t list the worst of my intrusive-like thoughts, and yes I know what those are, and yeah the thoughts I get are like that, but I don’t dwell on them for too long, but I get them pretty often and they bother me,, ok I’ll cut it here. 

and the result is me feeling even more like shit than I already do. 

I feel like shit. I hate myself. 

Those are blunt statements. Those are true statements. 

These days I’m not that sure whether I’m actually a good person or not. 

I don’t think I’m a good person. 

I feel like shit and I hate myself, and my reasons for doing so are completely justified. I can push the blame off myself. It’s my fault. 

Now I bet nobody wants to comment. Hell, what could anybody say? 

Screw it, I’ll just say it. I’m going downhill at full-speed as it is.

I’m still slightly convinced/have the beliefs that I: 

- have no actual successful future. 

- never had, and never will have, any truly close best friends irl (so I can see them in person and not just through a screen).

- am a weirdo who never was, and can never be, “normal”. 

- won’t live past my 20s.. if I survive till then.

- will never get a job. 

- am a burden/useless/worthless/a waste of space in any circumstances. 

- am unlovable. (not really in the romantic way, more towards the line of thinking “nobody likes, or will ever, like me and mean it.”)

- will possibly attempt suicide at some point in my life.

- have a possibility of dying by suicide. 

- will probably end up trying to kill myself in the next few years at least if life continues being this way. 

- am being lied to when people say they “care about me” and bonus points if it’s from a family member. 

- am pathetic. 

- am too weak- I’m weak for wanting/needing help, I’m weak for convincing myself that I don’t need any help and can go through this on my own. (I’m weak either way.) 

- will end up being an addict (if I’m not one already).

... fuck. I want it all to Stop, but it Won’t. It Won’t Stop. 

I don’t even care about trying anymore. The anxiety I used to have when I didn’t do something isn’t there anymore. I just don’t care if I fail. I’m on the road to failure, and I can’t bother to give a damn. I know I should care. Hey, that shit’s important! But I just don’t care. And at the same time, I don’t enjoy not caring. I hate it, actually. There’s a chance I’m failing my classes. I was doing so well last semester, but now I’m failing. And it’s completely my fault. I loathe myself. I know I should be doing that important shit, but I end up not doing any of it. 

*screams in my head* 

... also, I still get frequent nosebleeds. I got another one today. Every time it happens, it’s only from my left nostril. Almost every time I think the nostril is congested, it ends up being because of blood. It’s not a lot of blood, but it’s still blood nonetheless. 

My body as well as my mind are screwing me over. It’s not just in my head. It’s physical. It’s more physical now than ever before. 

I am not okay. 

.... sorry for the terrible 1st May post. I felt like I just had to get it all out. 

Videos are going to be posted after this. 

Bye now.