feelings: empty, void, ???

... yeah idk what to title anything anymore. 

I don’t know when I’ll create more cartoon avatars on that design game. I want to make avatars of Calliah and Ryen and Fierdan’s parents. So that would mean Calliah, Z, and their mother. So.. yeah. 

The title here is how I feel. I think. Empty. Void. ??? (idk what I’m feeling anymore) 

Personal-wise, I wrote this in a dA journal (//swears//): 

For a while (a few weeks?, a month?) it feels that I'm only capable of writing creative writing stuff.. that sounds good. That has any quality whatsoever. 

Writing essays is so hard for me now. Like.. I can't do it. Everything I try to write for an essay sounds like absolute fucking shit. My sentences are all shit. (Can you tell from reading my journal and blog posts?) It feels like my brain is breaking and I don't know what to do about it. It's too late, it's too late, it's way too fucking late. I fucked up this semester so badly. I'm trying to write the essays, but it literally feels like my brain won't let me. (I also didn't finish and hand-in essays on time.) I can write poetry, yeah, but anything else? Like, stuff for classes? No. Nothing I do is good enough. I can't even write a decent essay anymore. I have final papers to do. But it's like I can't write essays. This is gonna kill me. I swear I'm a master of self-sabotage. I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know...

IDK WHAT TO DO 

but I don't want to die. Not really feeling that way. I also don't know how to label my emotions.

_{... and I'm pretty sure I struggle with executive functioning. for quite a long time. it's never gotten as worse as it's been during this semester. I'm doing so bad, holy shit--}

——————

UpDaTeS yAY 

I have my first final today. At 4. 

Eeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh

I also have papers to do. 

Oh noooooo

My brain machine broke :( 

Aaaaaahhhhhh noooooooo

(umm wtf was that?)

(idk, don’t mind me) 

I’m barely functioning and that’s the tea. *thinks of taking a sip of my Snapple I have on my desk but doesn’t because now I’m In Bed* 

My brain goes through so many moods and feelings in a few days. It’s wild. Take a break. Stop thinking. Fall into a coma. Go out and have some fun. 

I’m writing this dumb post while I feel like I’m zoning out and can’t read and process any words. (huh, what does this say?). 

The other day, I had a nightmare dream that ended with me dying a graphic death. So ah. Ok then. 

White flames. Ooh ahh. Shoot me with your gun, man in the pink suit. Burn me in the white fire. Exorcise me ‘cause I’m a demon. Human? Nah. I’m worse than that. 

What’s up, y’all. I’m Shannon, I’m 19 (in 9 days), and I lost the ability to read and understand what words mean. 

In other news.......

I realized that maybe I’m not so different from my characters. And by that, I mean Duke/Fierdan. And by that I mean how violent and messed up they are. 

Like hey. Oh dang. 

Me, the other day: *becomes so angry over a minor thing that I spend the majority of the day having unwanted disturbing thoughts of violence that escalated to thinking of murder* 

Like ok. How about you chill, edgelord brain fuck?

Stop being so edgyyyyyygayyyeyyeye >:( 

Me: Haha, I’m nothing like my OCs! Fierdan, who? Can’t relate. 

Irrational Emotion-Driven Thoughts: hello—

Me: ... oh. 

Arrest me for Thought Crimes. I think of Bad Things. lol hehe XD 

Actually, please don’t. 

Gaaauurrrgggaaaaurghgh >:U 

New Violence Mode comes with Unwanted Violent Thoughts that are So Unnecessary 

Unlike my characters, I haven’t killed anyone. Don’t worry. Do not fear. 

Thinking of violent actions that would result in murder sure is something new than the old way of doing things which was thinking of suicide. so uh...... progress? wait, no. 

....... What the FUCK does anything in this post say?!

IDK. IDK ANYTHING. 

Is it time for a MENTAL BREAKdown??????? 

Or do I just need to get some sleep and panic whenever I think of my life? 

I ruined a lot of stuff so I deserve to be tossed in pink suit man’s white flames 

Thanks, brain fuck. 

I can’t read what any of this says. My mind is so blank right now. 

Tell me what any of this means. I don’t think anyone except me will be able to understand. 

Give it a shot. Give me a shot. 

I’m not drunk. Or high. I’m a dehydrated person who feels oh so low. 

At least that’s what my body thinks it feels like. idk if they’re being honest. :/ 

I deserve to die but I won’t. Fuck that. 

.......... yeah, i’m really not okay. lmao. 

i’m not ok

like at all

but that’s ok

........ i need help. 

(idk what to do, idk what to do, idk what to do,)