these songs are gifts

But before I go into that...

Hello! It's finally the weekend! I've been even more tired than I already had been! I already have an essay due on Monday! And a math quiz that day! Wow! Ugh!

Some days this week I've just been too tired to type up posts. Yeah, sometimes I'm actually not in the best mood to post. I made a journal on my dA last night though. Um.. I also have little interest and motivation to do really anything, and when people also don't comment, it makes me more unmotivated to post things as often. It's hard for me to find the point in doing lots of things nowadays.

Want more cruddy info about my life and mental-related shiz? Then read my dA journal. I'm too lazy and a bad person to rephrase it on here. Oh, you don't know my dA and/or don't have an account? Too bad.

Ok? Ok.

This weather is gross. It's September and it's still between 90 - 110 degrees Fahrenheit. It's too hot for this time of year. Hot weather is gross. Oh and the humidity. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

The kitchen light is working again. Yay. Uh.. still don't feel safe using the toilet in my bathroom, though.

I turned one of the sketches in my sketchpad into this corrupted drawing. It's so creepy weird. I don't even know how to explain it. It's a different type of drawing..? Different color scheme? I might need to put a warning before I post it. Just in case. Because those parts might look like they're blood. A creative type of gore..? Haha yeah.

In real life, well, life isn't that fun and interesting. Life sucks. Ok. It's hard to be happy.

I hate my current profile pic. But I hate my current art even more.

I got my problems. :^)

Anyhow, onto the songs!

I've been feeling (both emotionally and physically) bad and all those other negative words a lot recently. Especially because of things going on irl. That directly affect me.

Bad things have happened. So, of course, I've been feeling like crap.

But to make my days at least a little better, I've found these other songs by Paradise Fears. If you don't already know (not like anyone already knows anyway), the song "Battle Scars" is one of my all-time favorite songs. And, man that song is so beautiful.

Well anyway, I've discovered these two other very short songs that relate to the "Battle Scars" song.

Listening to these songs for the first time was like a cleansing. Like yes, songs totally can give me the will to live.

Yay, freaking, yay.

Here, I'll give some links. Sure, there's a religious aspect in somewhere. But still. Motivational song. Makes me more positive. Life-saver songs.

Intro: https://youtube.com/watch?v=sxP4Xgu3QJU

Reprise: https://youtube.com/watch?v=YI5i8FZihJQ

See? Two very short songs. If you're also feeling down, then I suggest listening to them. There are other songs by them out too.

I love these songs so much. <3

Bye.

gets more bitter as each year passes

Um.. yes.

Gotta keep this post short.

Ok.

I had the rest of my classes today (spanish, history, gym, physics). They were alright. Had to do this one question/one answer ice breaker (that's the word!) for two of the classes. It wasn't that bad.

Overall, today was kinda better than yesterday. The morning before school was better too.

Unfortunately, the classes and room numbers lunch times schedule thing changed. So I don't have the same lunch time with said friend.

Haha, there's me sitting with mutuals. Eh whatever.

I think I posted around this time last year that I felt stupid (I mean I still do, it was because of a lack of honors classes). Well, this year I'm taking honors.

*totally isn't masking a fake identity to fool that I'm somewhat smart*

...... pfftpfsh nah

Wow, last year's goal has been reached. Yay.

Anyway, it's true. It's like I get more bitter and all those unhappy feels as each year passes.

Beginning of freshman year me was so.. uh, no apathy to start. And, well, more energy. And fear (darn you anxiety). My posts were still up best and positive.

Then go on to the beginning of sophomore year me. Still had some sense of caring so much. Not yet apathetic at times. Not as excited for high school; more tired of it. Still made happy posts with energy. But then vented a few days later. Well ok then.

And then there's me now. Apathetic more often; not bothering to care as much for things I should. Tired of school already. Doesn't make happy and energetic posts that much if not at all anymore. Disappointed lots of people. Problematic and suffering in my head due to my cruddy self 24/7. More dead inside than ever before. Finds it harder to smile. Likes to sleep but finds it hard to fall asleep. Also hates naps. Bitter and has no hope for the future and future things. Too socially inept. Just.. there.

Yeah, things have changed.  Yeah..

High school changes people. Ok it does things to you. Bad things.

People in high school being consistently happy. Ha, I don't trust people who are stable mentally and physically throughout high school.

I don't trust a lot of people anymore.

Because, well, the concept that some people are truthfully happy and don't feel like a fail just about 24/7 is so fake to me. Like I just don't understand.

People can still smile and laugh irl? At people's jokes? And just things in general? Wow, what a concept. Another wild concept is actually having friends to talk to. Ha, ha.

Approaching people and talking to them. Like, that's so scary. Social expectations.. scary. Society.. scary.

I always feel hurt either emotionally, physically, or both. Ha, ha.

Gotta go now. Bye.

ugh

Couldn't think of a better post title. Whoops.

My body is aching. All day ache. No break from the pain train.

School just started, and I'm already stressing out so much. These classes. They're gonna be stressful. Especially the advanced ones. And then the other new classes.

And how it's junior year. And, uh, stress. And college preparation stuff. And future plans.

Don't know if I can handle this. I feel sick and stressed already, and it's only been the first day.

I'm pretty much friendless. I have nobody. Ugh, life sucks. Everyone else with their friend groups. Then there's me. Ha, ha. My one friend who actually cares about me enough to message me still ended up not having the same lunch time as me. I swear, we better have the same lunch time tomorrow. Lunch was bad today.

Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh.

Oh and before all that school stuff. Ok so. It's pretty much confirmed that my dad hates me now.

He's been hating me a lot more recently it seems. Well at least he's happier with talking with my siblings than me. Because, like everyone else, they are more successful and overall better people than me.

Meanwhile I'm probably a worthless piece of garbage. It kinda shocks me how I'm alive and this old. Life is scary, and I'm very scared of everything.

Yay for misery! :)) (: ((:

So I woke up real early this morning after less than 5 hours of sleep. I go to my bathroom. And what do I see? The water in the toilet bowl very high  and water pouring onto the floor.

What a nice pleasant morning. Pfft, hell no.

Since the kitchen is underneath my upstairs bathroom, the water somehow leaked into the kitchen ceiling and the table. Oh and the kitchen light is messed up now. Broken perhaps, I don't even know.

So now we have no kitchen table we can eat at and no light.

Oh and the best part? How my dad decides to yell at me (this is going on at 6 something in the morning) and saying it's entirely my fault. Haha, everything's my fault nowadays. I screw up every freaking thing. Ah yes, of course. Of, freaking, course. Yeah it's totally my fault the toilet broke. And ruined part of the kitchen.

*eye twitches* Life is fantastic, and I totally don't want to not exist for a very long time! :)) Oh but that's wrong.

Half of my iPad charger went missing, and my phone charger is just about broken now.

Life is great! :'))

I'm probably not gonna be allowed to get a new charging wire for a while if things are like this. If my parents know my charger barely works anymore, they're gonna enjoy watching me unable to use my phone. They keep on threatening to take my phone away.

Haha, it's not that my entire life and the reasons I live are on my phone and on internet stuff. Ha, ha.

I literally can not picture myself as a "properly functioning" adult. I think that, they think that, pretty much the world thinks that.

That's so great. :'))

Anyway, onto actual school stuff.

So, since I'm not taking band this year, my first block class was somewhere else. My class, language arts class, ended up being in a journalism classroom. And it's not even really a typical classroom. Yeah, weird. Took me forever to find even though it was out in the obvious.

Then I had my two elective classes back to back. Forensics is in the same classroom where my chemistry class was. Ah, those memories.

Oh and the project I've been typing about? It was for my AP elective. Because, you know, gotta trick the college people that I'm smart and took smart people classes. An AP class. Man, that's gonna be tough. Learning all about that art history. Art is cool; art museums are neat. I visit art museums a lot. I like art, history's pretty alright too. So why not. Whatever. Good credits. Smarts.

Gotta put in some advanced classes while I still can. Even though in reality I'm probably the stupidest person there.

I have no level of self-esteem. Yay! (:

Then the day ends with math class. The terrible sequel to the algebra series, Algebra 2.

It's terrible because I hate math with a burning passion. My brain just does not work well with math. So I'm stupid here too. But clarify it as an algebra class? Oh hell no, I definitely hate math a lot more now.

Geometry wasn't that bad honestly. I remember how I was so stressed at the start of last year because of my teacher. But, honestly, I like geometry way more than algebra.

Oh and this year I have the same teacher who taught me Algebra 1.

Is there any hope left for me? I'm getting more and more hopeless as each day passes. :)) 

Obviously, I have the other half of my classes tomorrow. First day of school- part two.

Oh yeah. In none of my classes today did I end up having to do those awkward introductory games. I guess that's a plus. They're kinda fun when other people say stuff, but that feeling of fun gets ruined when I have to say stuff.

Haha, I ruin everything. And how everything's my fault. Wow! (:

I have no hope left that tomorrow will be way better. Maybe slightly better. But not a whole lot. I gave up on expectations like that a long time ago.

Ok I'm so tired of life and everything.  

Sad Pup out!

(That's me. Cutepups is sad. As well as slowly growing to become dead inside.)

:^D 

..

Probably gonna be away from here and other online things for a bit.

I messed up. I messed up really, really badly.

It's entirely my fault. I'm such an idiot.

Gosh.. I hate myself a lot right now.

School starts tomorrow. Stupid me thought it starts a few days later. I was wrong. So wrong, so stupid.

11th grade.. great.

Don't be surprised if I don't make new posts daily for a while. I'm busy on weekends now too. And I have to do a lot of schoolwork. Yes, even though school hasn't officially started for me yet.

Of course when the school year kicks in and all that, I'll have a lot of schoolwork I need to do. And on top of that, SAT class homework too.

rip me rip

*frantically wishes myself good vibes for the first days of school*

Goodbye.

here comes a post

Hello. ^-^'

The Dairy Queen ice cream was yummy, haha.

Um.. well.. the past few days I've been stressed and scared of lots of things. And that day was bad. Very bad. When things that involve me get bad emotionally, the chances of me being physically sick are higher. Words people say can hurt a whole effing lot.

Ok. Ok.

But Sunday, the actual day, was better. At least kinda.

The book I have to read is hecka conplex. Confusing in a way. Since it's a memoir (I think so anyway), it doesn't really have a single ongoing plot. There's a lot of small plots. And of course, I'm never that interested in the required summer reading books I have to read for school. Eh, a bunch of people are like that though.

Went to the movies. Wow, that movie. Wow, violence. Wow, wow.

Haha, the post title. I've been listening to "Here Comes A Thought" (another Steven Universe song) a bunch of times. Mm, that's a nice calming song. Good indeed.

Pfft, here comes a post. Such a creative title. Smh.

Ah, I like mental health apps. They're nice. Been on the few I have for a little while yesterday.

Oh and those B vitamins. Those are good. Vitamins are good. Uh.. yes.

I woke up so early (idk like 2 hours ago).. what the heck.

I'm starting this SAT prep course next Sunday. Ugh, test prep.

Today's Labor Day. That's good I guess.

Um.. I'm tired. I know, wow, what a shocker.

Um.. Teen Idle is also stuck in my head. I haven't even listened to that song for so long until yesterday. But yes.. yes. Marina is great.

Oh.. right. The 6th AJ cake I posted about? Well, I found out from another blog (that's actually an AJ blog lol) that I only did half the steps. Pfft, I'm not even good enough at AJ cake steps. //shot

I clicked everywhere on the cake though when I did it. And several times. Nothing changed after that step for me.

Why AJ, why you do this.

Haha, funny thing. Funny for me anyway. So, haha, posting personal things on here is kinda like therapeutic (idk if that's even the right word) when I'm actually typing things out. Letting out feelings is good. But when I'm done typing, ugh, I regret it and feel more uncomfortable.

Oh well, still gonna do it anyway.

How wonderful it is when my brain likes to replay all those bad things people that I'm close to have said to me. Psst, it's not wonderful.

*replays that Steven Universe song*

Heck.

I should end this post.

send me positivity and i'll love you forever

Hello! How was your day? Saturday was terrible and way worse than these other past days! :'))

This Melanie Martinez song has been stuck in my head for several hours now because I have found the lyrics relatable. Especially because of some events from Saturday.

Cuz I just do.

I'm a f*cking crybaby. Ah yes. Very true. Much truth.

: ) emotional manipulation and being yelled at and when he's basically saying how i have no hope for living a successful future because i'm an introvert and have anxiety like mm wow those avpd symptoms irl *cough f*cking cough* idgaf if my words are offensive i am a bad person and everything is my fault, get on with the program. and yeah omfg i know i'm something along the lines of "depressed" (oops gotta put that in quotation marks to not offend anyone even though my doctor says it might be so that i have that and was almost gonna get help but oh no change of plans not gonna do that anymore mm ok). like ok, telling someone with depression symptoms both mentally and physically for quite a few+ months now that they're ruining their own future and that all they say is "bull f*cking sh*t" does not help at all. ok. no. it doesn't help. and when that person gets intrusive thoughts quite often that are about death and dying because i have literally no plans for the future and have no talents and college is soon and 0/10 on social skills sure helps when he says i'm ruining my life and future in all ways possible. mm so helpful. good job but also screw you ok screw him. oh and then making us go into dairy queen like no big deal not like i just yelled at my daughter and made her feel more like sh*t and a hopeless failure. like yes it's all cool not like you might've just pushed me into having a f*cking anxiety attack. but since it's a public place i gotta hide and make it quiet or else people will start staring at me. oh wait my nose was running and my eyes were red. ha ha ha. oh and then bring her into this because she was trying to help me and getting mad because i'm texting my sister since we're talking about nice fun things. like wtf omfg. like no sh*t i'm not like them. wow wow it's pretty f*cking obvious. and get pissed off at us before because i was reading my summer reading book for school. thought you wanted me to do that lmao. oh and then after dairy queen just drive home and laugh at the tv like whatever glad to know you're happy while me and her aren't and had the chances of having good days being shattered. that's just f*cking fantastic. *slow claps* : )

:')) *screams*

It's this song. Crybaby. I'm one. Are you one? Nice, nice.

rip me end me

You seem to replace
Your brain with your heart
You take things so hard
And then you fall apart

You try to explain
But before you can start
Those cry baby tears
Come out of the dark

Someone's turning the handle
To that faucet in your eyes
You pour it out
Where everyone can see

Your heart's too big for your body
It's why you won't fit inside
You pour it out
Where everyone can see

They call you cry baby
Cry baby
But you don't f*cking care
Cry baby, cry baby
So you laugh through your tears

Cry baby, cry baby
'Cause you don't f*cking care
Tears fall to the ground
We'll just let them drown

We'll just let them drown
Cry baby, cry baby

You're all on your own and
You lost all your friends
You told yourself that
It's not you, it's them

You're one of a kind
And no one understands
But those cry baby tears
Keep coming back again

Someone's turning the handle
To that faucet in your eyes
You pour it out
Where everyone can see

Your heart's too big for your body
It's why you won't fit inside
You pour it out
Where everyone can see

They call you cry baby
Cry baby
But you don't f*cking care
Cry baby, cry baby
So you laugh through your tears

Cry baby, cry baby
'Cause you don't f*cking care
Tears fall to the ground
We'll just let them drown
Cry baby, cry baby
We'll just let them drown
Cry baby, cry baby
We'll just let them drown

I look at you and
I see myself
And I know you better
Than anyone else

And I have the same faucet in my eyes
So your tears are mine

They call me cry baby
Cry baby
But I don't f*cking care
Cry baby, cry baby
I laugh through my tears

Cry baby, cry baby
'Cause I don't f*cking care
Tears fall to the ground
I just let them drown

Cry baby, cry baby
I just let them drown
Cry baby, cry baby
We'll just let them drown
Cry baby, cry baby
I just let them drown
Cry baby, cry baby
We'll just let them drown

rip me end me

Anyway, I'm thinking of making a comfort box one day. If I ever become motivated and determined enough to actually make one, that is.

I just really like the idea of it.

If you don't know what a comfort box is, this page should be helpful at explaining what it is.

http://www.selfcareumbrella.com/art-therapy/make-a-comfort-box-2/

Yeah ok. Oh and this post title? Mm yes. Send me positivity things and I will love you forever.

Ew gross I'm sounding needy. F*ck frick ffffffffffffff

lol i was thinking of making a post complaining about my way-too-thick hair this past morning

rip that post idea

rip all my wasted potential

rip for that guy who never knew my commercial skits

rip my self

rip

It's September (meh)

Hi welcome back to my cruddy blog. :^)

I can't stay on here too long. I'm probably gonna end up making this post pretty long though. Ha, ha.

I was very stressed and on the verge of tears when I made that last post. I'm still very stressed. Been feeling pretty bad about some stuff. That school stuff I gotta do. This morning too. Parents just love to state the obvious when I already know it's completely my fault and I'm a shif person. I've been working on the project part of the huge amount of summer work a lot earlier today. I'm the one to blame since I signed up for that class. :'))

Oh and it's great when I'm trying to sleep and my stomach starts aching as well. Yay. :'))

I had this dream last night, but it wasn't that much of a bad dream. Now that's something different. It was about me being in this irl meet-up where I met the small group of my online friends. One of them had this twin. He was like the leader. I was confused because I didn't know any of them had a twin brother. Then we all hung out downtown. It was pretty cool. Then we went to one of their houses, but it vaguely reminded me of my grandma's house. Then I got separated from the rest of the group. I woke up sleeping in a diver's position on top of this couch. When I woke up, this old lady was teaching me how to dive. Then the rest of the group came to the room we were in. Uh.. I don't remember the rest.

But then I had this other dream that I was sleeping in my actual bed. And in that dream I was dreaming about the blog post I made yesterday. I was thinking I made that post at 12 am, but I actually didn't. Then in the dream, I thought I woke up at 7:30 am, but it turned out to be 4:12 am but also pm.

Wait a sec.. is it called lucid dreaming when you're aware that you're dreaming about dreaming? Hmm.. interesting.

Oh man, I only have a week of freedom left. Until back to school and more sadness. And, ugh, those awkward tell-the-class-interesting-facts-about-yourself-and-summer for the first two days of school. Man, I hate those. There's nothing interesting about me. My summer too for this year.

I'm so scared to start school because I'm not done with my summer assignments yet. :<

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I totally forgot why I had it up, but I decided to check it out. So, hehe, I have some blogging tips for you!

Me: *smiles awkwardly at computer screen and who might also be on the verge of tears yet again today*
Viewers: *slowly clap*
Me: *puts thumbs up directly in front of computer screen*
Viewers: Who even is this blogger... *smh*
Me: I'm.. well.. I don't even know. This blog is a mess.
Viewers: *booing at me*
Me: *has two thumbs up and who might be crying*

So anyway, on the very top left corner of my blog there is this link that says "Best Blogger Tips". I forgot when and why I have that up there, but my guess it's because of some other gadget widget thing. Uh.. I'll add a picture to show what I mean.

I underlined it. It's a link. If you click on those words (Best Blogger Tips), it brings you to this: http://www.spiceupyourblog.com/. I used this site a few times in the past to help me with widgets and such, but I think it also has some blog savvy tips. Perhaps it could help you come up with blogging ideas and ways to become a better blog writer. If I'm not a current wreck then I would take that site's advice. Maybe I would in the future if I have the time and effort to. 

Here are some articles on there that might interest you too (pfft I didn't read any of them either yet): http://www.spiceupyourblog.com/2014/07/6-habits-of-professional-writers-and-bloggers.html#.V8jTvfkrLIU , http://www.spiceupyourblog.com/2014/06/5-ridiculous-blogging-advices-you-must-ignore.html#.V8jUd_krLIU .

There ok I tried to be a helpful person.

*cough * *cough* *sneeze*

I think the time clock gadget isn't glitching as much, The playlist won't show up as often now though. Ugh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I also went on AJ today.

AJ is 6 years old! (code is ajbday6)

Here's it in my den with the clicking steps. I don't know if there's a clicking step I missed. Nothing happened after I was clicking a lot of times. Well, this is what I got at least.

1

2

3

Haha, I kept on making the pictures bigger, I think it's meant to describe the excitement Precious has about the cake. Perhaps the white stuff is made of marshmallows..? Precious sure would love that. 

If you didn't know, I used to make that wolf avatar, who is called Precious (Cutepuppy), be a loony and marshmallow-obsessed wolf. 

But as I've grown older and more (*viewers are booing at me*) I didn't put much effort into making Precious as silly and ridiculous. She's more calm nowadays I guess. (*viewers are booing*)

I also totally forgot about the Summer Carnival. I took some pictures. ;) 

Wow, the accuracy! That's so me! That sad drama face relates to me so well.

There's this evolving sloth stalking me (er, Precious) in a plan to sneak attack. Scary, am I right? Sloths in general look creepy.

Wow, what a time at the carnival. Fun, fun for all! 

Not like I have time for fun, I gotta continue to suffer as I work on my summer work. 

Boo, school.

Ugh, I'm still stressed and scared. *slow claps*

I'm not sure or anything, but I might be forced to go on hiatus. But since I usually blog late at night, nothing's gonna change hopefully. 

Except if I just don't want to blog for a while.

*shrugs*

........

I'm not sure if anyone has caught on, but I tend to use the other green signature when my posts are more serious/I'm feeling lots of negative emotions and they're directly affecting me then and there. Not all of the time, but most of the time. This post seems more positive (ish), so I decided to use the other one instead.

Well, now you know.