barely awake but posting now

The title is true, haha.

Why don't you post earlier then, Cutepups?

How about no?

Yeah, no thanks.

So anyway.. I'm so pumped for Chapter 76. Even more now.

All the POVs in that chapter.. they're all interesting as heck.

Just.. like.. damn.

I used to be so proud when I looked at the chapters I wrote last year, but when I look at them now, I see the flaws in my writing. And it annoys me because I thought I was so good back then. Well, that proves that improving and learning never stop. It's a never-ending process, that's for sure.

Here's the order of POVs in Chapter 76 that I currently have planned:

1. Ryen
2. Fierdan
3. Ardere
4. Dawn
5. Twinkle
6. Duke

But maybe I'll switch the order of Dawn's and Twinkle's. I'm not sure. All I know is that those would be the first three, and the chapter is going to end in Duke's POV.

As for the length of the POVs, most of them are going to be fairly long. Ryen's and Ardere's will be on the shorter side, and Fierdan's and Twinkle's will be on the longer side. Dawn's and Duke's will also be pretty long, but not as long as the POVs of those other two.

There's just so much happening.

I had other story writing hiatuses, but I think the longest one was between Chapter 51 and 52.

I call Chapter 51 the end of "season 1" and Chapter 52 the beginning of "season 2".

And now I'm calling Chapter 76 the beginning of "season 3".

Season 3.. I feel like that's the season in TV shows when the plot progresses more and things get more serious and darker. Not for all shows of course, but I feel this way about a few shows I watch/ed.

Sh*t goes down in the second half of the 70s arc. Sh*t goes down in my story's "season 3". Sh*t gets real.

I love my characters. I really do.

Love seeing my character kiddos grow up in their character development. I'm so proud of how far they've come. :')

Too many moments in upcoming chapters are gonna pain me.

It hurts already. Gosh.

Ok bye. <3

~ Cutepups (who feels way too many emotions when thinking about Chapter 76 POVs- especially Fierdan's like omg this guy...)

pfft but why

Hi lol I'm back at it again with the late night posting.

Geez.. I'm a disappointment.

When I fall asleep later, I wake up earlier. I woke up so early. 4:30. Thanks, brain.

Asdfghjkl idfk where I'm going with this post.

I randomly thought of Fauna throughout the day. I'm annoyed at myself for never drawing and posting a picture of her yet.

I thought of her so much that now I have such a vivid image of her in my head. Wow, what a beautiful girl. Perfection.

Twinkle and Fauna.. wow, I realized that in recent chapters I made them become so savage. Like, you go, girl.

Savage sisters.. omg lmao.

I'm gonna hate myself later.. lol.

I also thought of Google Translate. And I thought about how the story would be like in different languages.

So then there I am doing something (idk what, just some boring thing) when suddenly I'm thinking of my cursed story characters speaking in another language than English when the words translate to another language.

And so, my hell brain decided to come up with one of those Fauna and Fierdan scenes in Cincernum.. but the writing is dubbed (wtf does this say) so they were speaking German (I think? I don't even know German lmao wtf but I finished this one show recently and what the actual fuc-- :>).

What the hell is wrong with me? :"D

It was so weird. What a weird thought. I'm weird.

Byee :^).

~ Cutepups (who sold their soul to their characters in a backstreet alley)

update-ish

Hi. I'm probably gonna finish typing this post after midnight (it's 11:50 right now), and it's a school night. But do I care about that? Not really.

I mean I could've typed something up a little earlier, but then I obviously didn't. And so, I'm typing this now when it's nearly midnight and when I'm lying in my bed in the dark. Yep, what a time.

Without further ado, the actual post content!

..... yeah. we get it. o kay.

-------------

First off, I've gotta come clean. For around a week now, I haven't been actively checking Blogger (notifications, this blog). I mean I still have been keeping this bad excuse of a blog as an open tab, but I haven't been looking and reading my own posts and notifications as much. Oh and by notifications, I really mean comments. I know I've gotten new comments, and I know I haven't replied yet. Honestly, I don't check for comments as frequently anymore, and so I don't read them as soon. And also, replying decently.. hmm.

For the entire month so far, I feel like I've been so distant on here. It might not seem that way to you, but it does to me. I notice my own inactivity. And no, I have no real excuses.

Skits.. I haven't made another one of those in a while. I can't come up with any ideas on how to continue a New Year's Day skit, so I'm just gonna ignore what I said back then and skip doing that.

However, this was the only skit thing I came up with recently...:

[In school hallway at the end of the school day]

Duke: *sighs, speaking out loud to himself because he's.. him* Waiting to hear back from colleges is stressful. *sighs*
Brock: *has suddenly appeared behind Duke, places his hand on Duke's shoulder* What if we end up going to the same college? ;)
Duke: *gets spooked and annoyed* Ah.. *steps away from Brock* That's not happening.
Brock: *calling after Duke* Oh, just you wait and see!
Duke: Hell no!

.... yeahh.

I can only think of skits being about school stuff that's vaguely happening to me. Since that's like, the only thing that's happening in my life.

I'm so stressed for college, kill me.

About college, I have hope that I'll have an actual future. I forgot if I said it before, but I got accepted. And now I have two college acceptances. Which means I'll be going to college. What the heck.

Oh and those were my two favorite schools that I applied to. Yeah woo.

But they're small, non-state universities, and not that "hard" to get into. But, y'know, I'm really not ambitious at all, so getting accepted to a school is.. a good feeling. It validates me that I'm not a total failure. Ayy.

And so, that's why I quickly wrote that poem in the last post. I felt so good and full of light and everything good and life was good and I felt happy. I'm also trying to be more positive in this new year, so writing something like that was a start.

(I know the second sentence in that paragraph isn't a real sentence or whatever, but I don't care.)

I'm also annoyed because I keep on having unhappy dreams, I only got five hours of sleep (well, for yesterday- it's 12:30 now lol), and I'm not even half as happy as I was when I wrote that poem in the previous post.

I literally can't stay genuinely happy for more than three days at a time. Do you know how exhausting it is? It's exhausting. I'm so tired of this crap. Can I be happy and love life for more than a day? Apparently not. I hate this body. I don't even like being happy for long because that makes my body feel more energized (even if I'm not doing anything physically active) and I wear down and get so tired a lot faster and easier. It's annoying, ugh.

Uh.. my hands feel weird. I hate this, too. What the hell is with my hands? Geez.

I'm working on (fixing up) some drawings. They have Duke in them. Of course they do. I'm always out there, drawing my fire emo boy, in my free time.

By that, I mean I don't draw that much in my free time nowadays, but when I do, it's probably of Duke or Fierdan.

Uh.. I want to draw Dawn better because my last drawing of her was such a disgrace. I mean it still is. It's still disgraceful. Yeah eww.

Fun fact: It's 12:40 now, and I kid you not.. I heard this bird shriek like a little dinosaur right outside my bedroom window. It startled me. What the heck was that?

I'm gonna hate myself for staying up this late. Oh well. Screw it.

Well haha ha, bye!

~ Cutepups (the name, C'pup, has been stuck in my head.. what is this? stop being a loser fool who's trying to be punk and cool, @ me. stop it. yikes. go sleep, stupid.)

PS: Life is a heckin--

because i feel alive.

i'm looking at my past self again 

and that person staring back at me

the person who i was

during this past fall

this past october and november 

i think it's ridiculous that

that was me

because i only see a stranger in the mirror.

just a few months ago

and a few weeks ago

i could only write personal poems

full of my own version of

pain and sorrow

and i was hurting

everything hurt

because i thought i had to die.

i think it's ridiculous how hopeless i was

and how often i thought of dying

before 2018 could even begin

to be quite honest

i'm laughing right now

i think it was stupid of me

to have wanted death

so badly

because i don't want to die anymore.

i want to live

and i don't want to die

before the summer

since i'm full of hope now

after realizing i have

a long list of reasons to stay alive

i'm starting to appreciate living more

i don't want to die

because i feel alive.

the art of burning in the cold

despite the cold, 
i'm burning.

life is harsh now,
but we have to hang on to see spring. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

started this as a description for my tumblr blog, lol. but i also like it and think it sounds poetic.

i kinda want to start writing short poems. 

it's ironic that when it's freezing outside and i'm outside, it feels like i'm burning. 

life is cold and harsh in winter. will it get warmer and better in spring?

i hope so. don't give up. don't lose hope. 

[copy and pasted from my deviantart]

uhh heyo

Hey, I'm here to make a short post before midnight. 

Haha oops, I'm starting to regret how I worded things in the last post. I dunno...

Maybe I shouldn't have spoiled the book. But I didn't state the book name, so.. idk.

About books, I'm reading some of those. Reading.. wow, that's pretty cool. It's a lit activity, if you get what I mean.

Lit.. literature.. books.. something referring to something cool.... yeah uh, puns. 

Lately, I've been watching Netflix more frequently. I'm watching shows. Yeah lol. Nice distractions. 

Uhhhfffgrrghhrmmmm,,,,,,,,,,

The weather is wild. It was so warm today. Temperature increase of nearly 50 degrees from a few days ago. And it's gonna drop back in two days. 

Weather.. what the heck. Planet destruction, hmm? 

And now for my brief talk about my story characters. Well, kind of.

A and D are four letters apart. 

(So far I guess? I'm bad at determining their ages, ugh) There is a four year age gap between Ryen and Fierdan.

Their birth names start with the letters, A and D- not R and F.

Wow guys, aren't I a clever writer fool? :^) 

What else...?

Oh, I know, my drawings of Duke. I'll talk about that.

For a large portion of my drawings of Duke, I feel like I draw him more androgynously and not masculine enough (?). Until I drew him in future scenes after Taurel cut and shaved Duke's hair off do I think I'm actually drawing him as a guy and not something like an androgynous girl (? I'm wording this badly) who's trying to be male but isn't born male (?).    

I have other characters who are supposed to be androgynous-looking. Duke isn't one of them. And yet, I keep on drawing him more like that than those other characters.

Cutepups, why are you like this?

In other words, I think Duke looks afab in some of my drawings of him, but he's not that. So I'm looking through my drawings of him like huh. 

By Duke drawings, I'm referring to a bunch of them I made last year when I drew human Duke with his very dark brown hair at its longest point in the story. But even if I cover the parts of the drawings that make his hair look long, he still looks too feminine.

Duke isn't supposed to be the feminine one, dang it. 

Fierdan though? Oh hmm, it's complicated.  

I kinda refer to pre-Fierdan as a femboy. Because.. reasons. Yeah, those things.

(It's because pre-Fierdan Danny was such a gentle boy with barely any stereotypically masculine traits. He liked doing stereotypically feminine activities- such as wear bright/soft colors and play with flowers- and the only friend he really ever had was Dawn. Like honestly, there is such a change in pre-Fierdan Danny to when he's been under the name of Fierdan for years. They're like opposites, honestly. Z (his dad) would pity pre-Fierdan Danny so much, call him weak, and he would purposefully mock Danny by saying his name like the female equivalent of it- saying Daniel more like Danielle- just because Danny wasn't tough and insensitive like boys were "supposed to be like" or some crap. Z is the worst lmao. He sucks, end of discussion. Let my precious Danny boy be happy, Z sh*t.)

And no, he's not trans. Yeah ok. Z only referred to him more femininely to mock him for being weak for not being the most masculine-like boy. Gender roles.. gross.

Duke, however, didn't really do any stereotypically feminine activities when he was a very little kid. 

At some point, Fierdan thought of Duke being the idealized version of himself (?). 

... yeah hbbbrghh bye. 

~ Cutepups (who doesn't know how to actually word things) 

*fingerguns outta here* 

Book and Shook

Hi, yes, hello.

I thought of this quote a few hours ago. Will I actually include it in the story? I'm not sure. 

"I am the [Duke] Fierdan. I am the creator and the destroyer of worlds- the worlds of places and of people."

(The Duke is in brackets because that word is optional. It also works for Fierdan, so not just Duke.)

In totally unrelated news, I forgot to tell you guys something yesterday. I got a 100% on my math quiz. 

Perfect score. In math. Wow.  

I also spoke up in math class, so I could fix my mistake on the board before the teacher went over my math problem with the entire class. I made sure I wasn't a stupid fool. Go me, yes, woo.

Once again in totally unrelated news, I finished a book yesterday. 

Did I ever post something about this elemental magic book I was reading? In like, September? Well, I finished the book now. 

And.. damn.. the ending left me so shook. I'm still shook. Omg.. wow.

Was it such an unexpected plot twist? Well, not the most unexpected.

But, but, but! 

It reminded and inspired me about my own story I'm writing (aka Twinkle's Story, that's what I mean).

I was reading the ending and I was like, "That's what I plan on doing to Duke. Kind of."

But in the book, it's more similar to a horcrux (from Harry Potter), probably. Yeah, those things. Yikes.

The difference between Duke and the main character in the book is that it started when the book character was an infant (so already born), while for Duke, it starts when he's a fetus (so, unborn).

Viewers: Fetus? What are you talking about?

Me: Yeah. Before Duke was actually born, so fetus Duke.

Viewers: What?

Me: Fetus Duke. :)

Viewers: Dang. :/

I really shouldn't spoil the book, but how can I explain it? Oh heck. 

In the book: Main character finds out that his soul is this very evil person. Main character finds out he's the new version of this evil person, so the evil person is continuing to live and idk, be immortal or try to be.

And so, me being obsessed with my characters called Duke and Fierdan, reading that got me thinking. I got exhilarated. Yeah. Wow.

Okay, I'll explain it. 

In my story: Towards the mid-beginning of the story, Duke suddenly meets Fierdan, and then later, Soulless. Fierdan- being Soulless controlled so he's evil and intimidating af in his partly ghost form- tells Duke that he's also bleeding even though he caused someone else to bleed and not himself because Duke attacked Fierdan and he's bleeding as well because he's Fierdan. (I worded that sentence terribly, but oh well.). By the Night of the Black Flames, Duke has started to get vague memories of Fierdan but in his same perspective. For a while, he believes he's Fierdan's reincarnation. So do some other characters. At this point, Fierdan is only known as a ruthless killer who killed lots of innocent people. So, Fierdan is like the very evil person, right. And Duke is like the second living version of Fierdan, right. Well, living in the physical world (not heaven or hell/Cincernum). 

The book character has his memories blocked of him being the evil person, which reminds me of how Duke had his memories blocked of how he relates to Fierdan. 

In Cincernum, Soulless made Fierdan long for immortality (even though he came back to life after he first died, smh). And so, Fierdan used dark magic (really complex stuff) to create this small unidentifiable thing that's basically a permanent fusion of Fierdan and Soulless. 

About that, risks had to be made in order for Fierdan to create that. Fierdan, in Cincernum, had to give up and lose a body part (or more than one? haven't decided yet) in order to input his half of the fusion. 

The thing Fierdan and Soulless made together wasn't actually Duke himself. It was just what would be Duke's soul. 

Calliah has some phantom blood, so Fierdan- in his wicked cool ghost-like form, but also with Soulless in his head- decided to use her baby (fetus) as the perfect vessel to insert the (what's actually very small) thing that appeared when Fierdan used his cryptic, dark magic to permanently combine a part of himself and a part of Soulless together. This made Duke, well, be Duke. From his outer appearance to more inner stuff. 

That's how Duke looks and acts so much like Fierdan. Almost as if he's Fierdan's reincarnation. If Fierdan didn't put that cryptic thing through Calliah's body and into her unborn baby, then Duke wouldn't be Duke. He would be a completely different person in every way just about.

But once inside what would be Duke's body, the Fierdan and Soulless parts divided. So that resulted in Duke's outer appearance looking like Fierdan (ever since the Night of the Black Flames at least) and him having memories and connections to Fierdan. The core of his soul is purely Fierdan. The Soulless part, however, is his immunity (?) to physical pain and how it's hard for Duke to die. It's what makes Duke non-human. The part of his body surrounding his soul (one part being over his heart) is what Soulless dominates more than Fierdan.

It's late, I'm tired, this is worded badly.

Calliah and Eternal's baby wouldn't be Duke if Fierdan didn't intervene. So that's how Duke is Fierdan 2.0 I guess. Duke is basically the result of the direct small Fierdan-Soulless fusion thing being inserted into an unborn baby, and that unborn baby being the vessel in order to give life to that fusion thing.

Maybe I should draw it. Yikes lmao.

I'm probably so far-fetched in relating the book main character to Duke and Fierdan. Pfft.

I've been typing this whole post quickly, so I didn't think of how to word anything any better. 

Yeah. Whoops.

Well, bye for now.

~ Cutepups