Can I just go?

Um.. hey guys. Cutepups here with another post. Yeah... ;n;

The truth is ever since last night and today (typed this before midnight technically), I've never felt that happy in what feels like such a long time. In Real Life. On internet stuff (especially earlier today), not as great. So, um, the truth.

So, the "you" I kept on saying in my last post. Well, um, I was pinpointing one person in particular when I said that "you" hurt me. No, "you" did not comment on that post. Yes, I know "you" knew the hidden message I meant in that post. Yes, I saw what "you" posted on their site/s. Yes, I know I shouldn't feel guilty about this- I just do (me being an overly sensitive and emotional blue puppy). No, I won't explain the meaning of all this- I just can't (read the comment sections on some of my posts and you might understand). No, I'm not gonna tell you guys who "you" is (if you guys don't know already). If you guys know who "you" is, don't refer to their real internet name/s in the comments here. 

To be honest, I don't know exactly why I feel this way only specifically for "you". I mean other people used to/still do criticize my works. I mean I (used to) get hate messages. 

But, like I said, I really don't know anymore. Over the past month, some things "you" told me hurt me more than the harsh criticisms and messages I (used to) get. But I don't get it. "You" and I are close online friends, and I know "you" is just there to support me by trying to help me improve. I know "you" never bullied and threatened me. Maybe I feel more hurt due to what "you" said because we've been with each other for so long now (practically ever since I started this cruddy blog).

All in all, I really don't know why I'm like this. It's like I screw up everything I do. Or at least try to say. I try to make a post saying how I'm feeling better without blogging as often and without putting all you guys who are my friends (but in reality, still strangers to me) on my highest pedestal. But of course me being me, I screw every damn thing up.

"You", if you're even reading this, I could just say I was exaggerating when I said you hurt me. More than a harsh critic, more than a troll hater, more than my IRL friends who I thought secretly saw me as an invisible burden. But I would just be lying again. Because it did (and still does) hurt. I don't know what happened to you, to me, to us. I really don't. I don't know what happened to those days when we were both happy to read what each of us had to say. "You", you're right. Your depressing feelings have made me feel depressed (to an extent- it's not just you). You entwined me in your own sadness making me isolate me from the people I (used to) know always truly care about me. To me, it feels like part of our friendship faded to dust. I still question if it's worth believing you really are my friend (I want to believe, I really do), but I'm not completely sure anymore. It's as if you're either hurting me, or I'm hurting you. This cycle of pain seems to never end. 

I'm like my characters. I'm like Duke, like Fierdan. I feel like I'm gonna explode one day, and do.. do something really bad.. something I'll regret. I look calm and "normal" on the outside, but on the inside, I'm really not. I'm falling apart internally. I'm questioning every damn thing about me. I put my feelings of pain, of sufferings, into Duke and Fierdan. I hurt them so much because I bring my harmful feelings out through them. They display my pain that only I know about. That's why I connect to my characters so much, especially them. All the main characters in TEO display a certain part of my character as a person. I make their lives so painful because it distracts me from wanting to hurt myself. I exaggerate on their sufferings because it comforts me in comparison. It makes me seem not as effed up inside as them. When I hurt them, it's a way I vent. I don't write down how Duke and Fierdan are. How they're a part of me. I simply can't write it down in words. I can't speak about all this out loud. I just keep all of this trapped and locked deep inside of me. Okay, now do you get it? I post about Duke and Fierdan in the ways I do for my own sake. They make me feel like I'm not alone. They're that hidden part of me, that dark part of me. 

I can be totally fine sometimes, sometimes I can just be falling apart. But I know I'm okay, even when I'm not.

Another reason why I'm taking this hiatus. This is why. ^^

I eff up everything. I do IRL, I do online, every damn thing. I hurt either myself or you guys in the process. Most of the time without you even knowing. Either that, or I just allow you guys to hurt me. It's either or, there is no in-between. There is no mutual middle ground. I'm at a constant battle with myself, and "you" has recently joined it. I know this is all so pointless, but I just can't stop. I don't know how to. I always somehow screw up what I have to say. I can't seem to say anything completely right anymore. Anything that doesn't hurt me or you in the future. But I can't. Everything hurts either me or you now. Mostly me, sometimes you, sometimes the both of us. Especially "you" and I.

Please... Tell me... Please...

Can I just go? Far, far away from all this? This hell I created? 

Can I just go away from "you" and the rest of you guys?

Can I be truly happy online and IRL again?

Can I know who I am again?

Can I just go?

~ Cutepups